The hardest part of this

The next day, while Lana was receiving another round of chemo, I wrote down my statement. I didn't want it to be all melodramatic or emotional, instead, I tried to keep it heartfelt and to the point.

'What are you writing?' Lana asked, looking at me curiously.

'I'm not talking to you yet.' I replied, trying my best not to smile.

'Why? Because I gave you a hickey?' she said and I blushed, wrapping the scarf I was wearing tighter around my neck.

'A hickey? My neck look like it's been attacked by a fucking vampire.' I still tried to sound like I was mad at her when really I wasn't.

'Poor baby. You want me to lick your wounds?' she teased. I enjoyed playing this game. It was sexy. And of course I couldn't admit that when I had looked into the mirror this morning, I had been massively turned on by the sight of my 'wounds', remembering all the things we had done.

'No! I have work to do. Keep reading, bloodsucker. I bet it's Twilight or summin.'

She ignored my comment and continued to watch me type on my laptop. 'So you are sure about this? You really want to cancel everything?'

'Yes.'

'What if I'll be sick for longer than just a few months? What if this doesn't go away? Or at least not as quickly?' I looked up at her again.

'I'll take as much time off as we need.' I'd even quit the band for good if there was no other way. But I didn't dare to say that out loud.

She sighed, staring up at her drip for a while before taking my hand. I was surprised by the gesture but felt relieved. Maybe she had finally accepted that she couldn't fight me on this. And that she also didn't have to.

'Ever since I got over my issues, I've been giving you my best. Not because I wanted to prove something or because I am too proud to create something mediocre, no, because you deserve my best. I never told you but the reason I'm still alive and able to do that today is because there is someone I love very much. She literally saved my life. She reminded me of what my best was and she still does, every day. The circumstances have changed and now she's the one who needs me to do exactly that for her. I could continue but my heart wouldn't be in it because my heart is with her. For that reason, I won't be able to come on tour with the guys for the next couple of months and we postponed the recording of our new album. I can only hope you understand and that you still be there when I return.

Lots of love
-Gerard'

Without even bothering to reread what I had written, I clicked 'post'. It was honest and not about what sounded good or what someone wanted to hear. When I saw that the message was showing up on the page, I turned off my notebook, grabbing my bag to get out the MTG cards.

*

I didn't want to read what Gerard had written on the band's website. I felt like it was private, something between him and the fans. Whatever it was though, his phone wouldn't stop beeping for the rest of the afternoon and the few times he didn't ignore it and actually checked it, the messages seemed to be positive.

The nausea wasn't as bad this time but I was tired and couldn't stop shaking. After taking a hot shower, I huddled up in my big fluffy robe and a blanket to sit with Gerard while he was drawing. I had always been so fascinated by his talents, all so raw and unpolished, I liked that.

'Why have you stopped writing?' he asked while still concentrating on his sketch.

I was somewhat surprised by his question, I had never really talked to him about it.

'Why do you ask?'

'Because...I know it's something you used to do. So why have you stopped?'

'I don't know. I thought about going back to film school but I can't now. So what's the point?' I replied and he finally looked up.

'Why can't you? And the point is that you should never stop doing what you love.'

'What if I loved killing people?'

'That's the exception I guess.' he giggled but was serious again immediately. 'No but really. Lana, you should just apply. Or send someone your screenplays. Maybe you don't even need to go to film school, my guess is you're already good enough.'

'Your guess? You haven't even read my screenplays.' I pointed out.

'Let me read one then.' he put his pencil down and crossed his arms as if to challenge me.

I thought about it for a moment. Gerard was insanely talented, so skilled with words and expressing things in just the right way, in a way that moved people. What if he thought my writing was boring or pretentious? What if he hated it? Or even worse, what if he just pretended to like it so he wouldn't have to hurt my feelings.

After a moment of silence I got up and went into the guest bedroom where I had stored by finished screenplays for now. I grabbed one of them and returned to the living room with it where I handed it to Gerard.

'You gotta be honest though.' I said and he nodded, leaning back and opening the script.

*

It almost felt like falling in love with her all over again. Her writing was profound, intense, almost shocking but in the best way possible. At times I found myself thinking that it provided a new side of her that I had yet to discover, something only accessible through her words. I tried to find a flaw, just so I would sound more sincere, knowing that she would assume I was bias but I couldn't. The only downside was that she was clearly not able to see the upsides, that she was totally oblivious to her talent.

'Are you hungry yet?' she asked me, forcing me back to reality.

'Hmm?'

'Would you like something to eat?' she asked again.

'Sure. Hey...this is amazing. And if you don't send it in, I will. I mean it. There's no way this is going back into some box to catch dust.' I put down the script, watching her cheeks turn red.

'But...what's the point, really? Even if someone wants to work with me, I can't right now.'

She was right, obviously. But I felt as though she was using it as an excuse and I wouldn't let her.

'Most writers work from home anyway. It's like with my comics, I just send the stuff to them, maybe go to a meeting or two every once in a while. You can do this. Don't wait for the right timing. Fuck that. Do it now. '

I didn't exactly know when I realized that I wasn't just talking about her screenplays or my comics anymore. But all of a sudden, what I had just said applied to so much more than just that. Ever since that Christmas Eve when Lana had appeared in my mom's kitchen, ever since she had told me that she wanted to be with me, I had promised myself to enjoy every single moment with her as much as I could. Not because I was scared of losing her again, no, because it was the only way with Lana. There was no half-assing it. Our relationship, even our friendship, had always been intense and that was exactly how it should be.

Looking back, there wasn't an exact moment. And when it happened, it didn't feel like a sudden revelation or epiphany, it was more like an elaborate plan coming together. When I searched through my boxes after dinner, to find the one thing I needed to complete my mission, I felt triumphant, ecstatic even and I had to control myself not to do it there and then.

*

The next day, Gerard talked me into going shopping with him. I felt alright so I didn't mind although the weather was terrible and more suitable for a day in front of the TV or in bed. But he insisted and so we walked down the streets of Manhattan under a big umbrella shielding us from the snow.

'What do you even need?' I asked him and he smiled coyly.

'You are funny. Since when do you go shopping when you NEED something?'

'I'm a practical woman.' that was only half true, I did enjoy shopping just like any other girl but I was more of an online shopper, hating the crowds on the streets or in the malls.

'Well okay. I need a suit for starters.' he said.

'A suit? For what?' I was surprised and curious.

'Umm, you know, just to have one. Doesn't every guy need a good suit?'

I guess he was right. I just never took him for a guy who wore suits. Although I was certain he would look incredibly hot in one. Still, when he stopped in front of Dior, I raised my eyebrows at him.

'Dior? You need a Dior suit? Just to have one?' I said as we walked in but Gerard seemed to ignore me as he approached one of the staff.

'I'm here to pick up my suit? Way.' he told the guy who gave me a weird smile before rubbing his hands together, telling him he would be right back.

I knew something was up, especially when I noticed that Gerard was getting nervous. And there was no way he would just buy a Dior Homme suit like that, shit was expensive and Gerard wasn't into wasting a lot of money on something he didn't actually need.

'You're not taking me to some award show, right? Because I really can't stand those. Unless it's the VMA's. I like the VMA's, they're always fun to watch. But they're in August....hmm.'

'No award show. But you do need a dress.' he replied, biting his nails, looking around impatiently.

'For what?'

The guy returned with Gerard's suit, already neatly packaged in one of their fancy boxes. He whispered something to him and Gerard smiled politely and nodded, before turning around to me. We left the store and jumped into a town car but as I grabbed the bag to catch a look at the suit, he stopped me.

'Don't peek!'

'Okay, can you please tell me why you need a suit worth a couple of thousand dollars. Where are we going?'

He sighed and I knew he was ready to give in and tell me.

'A wedding.' he said and I rolled my eyes.

'Why didn't you say so? I love weddings! Who's getting married? Mikey? Oh my God it's Mikey, isn't it? And you're gonna be his best man! That's so exciting! I have to get a new dress. Well actually, I have so many I've never worn and I fit into them again, at least I hope so, I've lost a couple of pounds again but whatever. Ahh, I'm so happy!' I freaked out and he started laughing, shaking his head at me.

'It's not Mikey. And you do need a new dress. A white one, actually.'

'I can't wear white at someone else's wedding, silly. White's only for the bride.'

'Well...then we have to make sure that you are the bride.' Gerard said, pulling out a little black jewelry box and I literally stopped breathing.

Notes

!!!!!!!!!!

*screams internally and hopes you do too!*