The hardest part of this

I could feel my mind slip into a haze as I looked into her eyes which were already filling with tears and I had to try my best not to start crying myself as I opened the box, revealing the ring.

'Will you marry me, Lana?' the words came out shaky and in a whisper but I knew she had heard them when she covered her mouth with her hands in shock.

It was impossible to tell how many seconds or minutes passed but it certainly felt like eternity. Lana was just staring at me, tears rolling down her cheeks, her eyes wide. Although I didn't want to rush her into answering, it was torture to wait for her reply. Finally, after taking the ring out of the box, she took a deep breath.

'Gerard...' it sounded like she was about to tell me what I didn't want to hear at all.

'Lana, I know what you're about to say and please, don't. You should know by now that I don't want to hear any of that. Because I don't care. I want to be with you, no matter what happens tomorrow or next week or next month or next year.' I meant every word of it. I didn't care. The right here and right now was what mattered.

'I can't.' she muttered and turned away, crying into her hands.

'I want to be your husband. And I want you to be my wife. I love you.' I said, moving closer to her and putting my arms around her.

Of course she had doubts. Of course she was scared. And so was I. We didn't live in a perfect world, we didn't have the perfect relationship and we weren't perfect people. This was all new to us and yes, maybe it was too soon. But I knew that I would never love anyone as much as I loved her and that I wanted nothing more than to marry her. See that ring on her finger. Make her mine and be hers.

'I'll never be able to have children.' she looked at me again, her bottom lip trembling. 'Don't you want children?'

'I want you.' I replied, cupping her face with my hands. 'And we can always adopt. Or dress Freckles up and pretend she's our child.'

'Don't joke about this! Don't you want your OWN children? What kind of wife would I be if I can't give you that.'

'Don't be silly, Lana. Stop talking like that and just say yes.' I kissed the tip of her nose and pressed my forehead against hers, closing my eyes.

Please, I thought, please say it. Or at least tell me that you'll think about it. But please don't say no. My heart would break.

*

I remembered the evening in the park just a week ago, the realization I'd had when I had looked at Gerard, the way my heart had fluttered when I thought about the possibility of marrying him one day. Never in a million years I would have thought that the day to decide would come so soon. That he would actually pull out a ring and ask me. Now that it was happening for real, I couldn't think straight. But did I really have to think? I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. No matter how short the rest of my life would be. And he wanted the same thing.

'Yes.' I finally breathed, tears falling again. 'Yes, I'll marry you.'

He opened his eyes, just as shocked as I must have looked at him when he had asked the question. For a moment, he seemed to search my face for any signs that I could be joking or lying but when he couldn't find any, he simply kissed me, almost desperately.

'You'll marry me.' he repeated and I nodded, my heart exploding as the biggest, the brightest smile lit up his face.

When Gerard placed the ring on my finger I felt like fainting. It was beautiful, simple, like all my jewelry, yet special, just perfect.

'It belonged to my grandma. She gave it to me the last time I saw her.' he said and as if I hadn't cried enough already, I felt like bursting into tears once more.

I kissed him again, my hand wandering under his jacket to feel his warmth, pulling him close to inhale his scent. As scary as this was, it felt right.

We arrived back at the apartment and I had never dragged him into the bedroom and undressed him so quickly. Gerard looked almost stunned as I climbed on top of him, kissing him hungrily but he sat up and grabbed me, burying himself deep into me before I could even prepare myself. He made me orgasm in no time, but slowed down as I tried to catch my breath.

'Fuck, you're so hot when you cum, you have no idea.' he sighed, kissing up my jawline.

I almost passed out as he continued to move inside me and clung on to him as another wave of pleasure shock my body, his eyes staring into mine, the biggest smile on his face.

There it was. One of the many reason why I loved him so much. That sparkle in his eyes when we made love, when he realized how much I enjoyed it. The way he made me feel special, like my pleasure was the most important thing to him. Even when I tried to give him his, he wouldn't let me, instead his hands moved over my body, finding my clit, rubbing there gently until I was at the brick of yet another orgasm.

‘Third time’s a charm.’ he whispered in my ear, making me giggle and moan simultaneously before he released at the same time, our foreheads sticking together with each other's sweat, kissing me breathlessly.

*

'I can't wait to marry you.' she told me in the dark, our bodies still entwined.

Her words made the butterflies in my stomach do flips and I blushed as she kissed the corner of my mouth. Just like she had kissed me the first time, on the ferris wheel, the day we went to Coney Island. Weirdly enough, it seemed like only yesterday. That night I had gotten my first taste of her and had become an addict. The only addict I would always be proud of being. Now I could feel the ring on her finger as she put her arm around my waist and I knew she was just as addicted to me. And I never thought that I could ever be 'the one' for someone. I had always been screwed up, had spent my childhood and my teenage years being dragged from therapist to therapist by my mom, basically begging them to find out what was 'wrong' with me. That was probably why I always thought I was too flawed for somebody to truly love me. Or that I would always end up with someone who just wanted to fix me for their own good. Lana had forced me to fix myself and that's why I would never blame her for leaving. Especially because after all, it was the only way we could be together again.

Now, I wasn't 'wrong' anymore. I was right for someone, I was right for Lana. I felt so incredibly lucky.

'Let's do it soon. Because I can't wait either.' I said.

'After I'm done with the treatment.'

'I don't care, I'm ready. I'm ready to do it tomorrow.' I meant it.

She laughed, kissing my chest. 'After the treatment. If we're lucky it's only gonna take a couple more weeks. Plus, we have to get Célia and Noah here. They'll never forgive us if they're not here for it.'

I was happy with that. A couple of weeks was better than months or even a year. I had expected her to want to wait longer, given the fact that we were only just starting to have a real and serious relationship after everything that happened. But I was more than glad that she didn't want to wait.

'I haven't told anyone yet. But I think we should tell your parents and mine together. Invite them over for dinner or something.'

'This is so weird!' Lana giggled and I had to agree.

I had never seen myself as the domestic, traditional type of guy. Actually, if there was any way I could avoid this, I would prefer to just whisk her off to a church or ordained minister and get married without telling anyone so no one would make a fuss. But although I knew Lana liked it simple, I still wanted to give her a proper wedding. I wanted to do all these things traditionally, all these things I thought I would never do.

*

It was weird. Being engaged. Being engaged to Gerard. A few weeks ago I had been convinced that I had lost him forever, had almost chosen another man, simply because I wanted to get over him so badly, so desperately. And now, staring down at the ring he had given me, listening to him talking to his mother on the phone, I still couldn't grasp the fact that it was all real. Even though I had no idea how it was possible, I was even crazier about him now that he was my fiancé. Fiancé. Just referring to him as that in my head gave me goosebumps.

At least my hair wasn't falling out. Yet. Every time I washed or brushed it, I got all paranoid, checking if I was losing more than the normal amount. I had to finish two more rounds of chemo before another check-up to see if it had worked and then, in order to keep the cancer in remission or even possibly cure it, I would start with the antibodies. Dr Miller had given me a folder full of information on the treatment and although I didn't understand half of it, it sounded promising. At least the side effects weren't as bad as the ones from the chemo and most importantly, they wouldn't be as long lasting. Of course I was still thinking about the worst case scenario, how couldn't I? But Gerard made me feel good about it. He made me feel normal. He kept me grounded and made the bad thoughts disappear as soon as he realized I was dwelling on them. Yes, he was excellent husband material.

We invited our parents for the following sunday but made it sound like a random dinner invitation. Gerard told Donna and Don that I wanted to thank them for having me over on Christmas Eve and I told my mother and Greg that Gerard wanted to get to know them better. I was slightly nervous about him and Greg meeting for the first time, especially since we were planning to drop the engagement bomb too. But if there was someone I trusted to make this evening less awkward for us, it was Greg.

And I was right. Thanks to my step-father, the evening was relaxed and fun. He seemed to take a special interest in Gerard's art, telling him he should just concentrate on that for a while. For the first time I even witnessed my mother opening up a bit more than usual and I was happy to see that she took a liking to Gerard's parents. Still, when it was time to give them the big news, I was sick to my stomach with nervousness. I had taken off my ring before they arrived and now, under the table, I was putting it back on my finger.

'You're ready?' I whispered to Gerard and he smiled broadly.

I cleared my throat and after making sure everyone was looking at me, I brought my hand to my cheek. My mother immediately gasped and I blushed, giving Greg a knowing look. I knew he was thinking what I was thinking.

'So I get to walk you down the aisle after all.' he grinned and I nodded, caught a tear that had escaped my eyes.

Notes

of course she said YES! :)

as always, thanks for reading! next chapter will be up on saturday