The hardest part of this

I was standing in front of the mirror, confused by the man who was staring back at me. Was that really me? That man, in the suit, about to get married?

There were no doubts. I had never been so sure about anything in my life. What I couldn't make sense of was the fact that I was the man Lana had chosen. And, not just when she'd said yes to my proposal, no, she had chosen me the minute we first met. Looking back, knowing that familiar look in her eyes now, that sparkle, I should have known, even then, almost three years ago, she had loved me. Maybe not in the way she loved me today, maybe in a way that was foreign to me, especially when I had still been a mess, but still. And thinking about it, I had felt the same way. Although she was convinced I was bullshitting when I told her that I thought she was pretty, even bald, pale and skinny, in her wheelchair, I knew the truth, I knew that she had always been the most beautiful girl in the world to me. Inside and out. I could watch her puke and I'd still have the same love and affection for her that I felt when I was kissing her, holding her in the most intimate embrace. Would she ever believe me?

'Damn, you look good in that suit.' Mikey stepped beside me, making me snap out of my trance.

'I better, it was mad cheddah.'

'Lana looks so gorgeous in her dress as well.' he grinned and I glared at him, feeling jealous for a second before I remembered she was about to become my wife.

'You've seen her? Traitor. I wanna see her too.' I made a sad face and he put his arm around my shoulder.

'Soon.' he glanced at his watch. 'Half an hour. You nervous?'

'Nah. Just feeling the butterflies. But I always do. What about her?' I asked.

'Same. She just can't stop smiling.'

I sighed, looking at myself again. I was the reason she couldn't stop smiling. Being that special to someone was something I had never thought I'd achieve. Especially because I always thought I'd be invisible. Now, I was the most important person to someone as amazing as Lana, the centre of her universe. Me, Gerard Way, the guy hiding behind his sketchbook in the very last row of the classroom.

'I wish grandma was here.' I muttered, absent-minded while straightening my waistcoat and fixing my skinny tie for the hundredth time.

'Bet she's up there feeling real smug 'cause she called it from the start.' Mikey laughed and I had to agree with him.

She had played matchmaker pretty well. Although I was fighting her efforts all the time, just rolling my eyes at her, not taking it seriously, now, all I hoped for was that she somehow knew her plan had worked. That Lana and I were together. That she had succeeded in her mission, her very last mission.

My parents entered the room, my mom already crying. I knew she had just been to check in on Lana too.

'Don't! I can't take anymore!' I said as she hugged me, patting my back.

*

I knew the second my mother entered the room, politely asking Célia to leave, what she was about to say. In a way, I didn't want to hear it, not now, not on my wedding day when everything and everyone was already as emotional as it could get. There was just too much going on for me to deal with my mother now, like the fact that DUH, I was getting married, but she insisted. And I had seen it coming.

'Lana, honey. You look absolutely beautiful.' she started and I thanked her, forcing myself to give her an encouraging smile. I wanted to get this over with so I could focus on my upcoming walk down the aisle.

'I'm so proud of you. And I know...this is gonna sound like such an odd thing to say, coming from me, but I wish we were close enough so we could have a typical mother-daughter conversation. Like, I could give you advice, tell you about married life, something like that. But you and I both know that it would just be to avoid the obvious. That all I really want to say is that I'm sorry.' I could see her eyes watering and it surprised me. I had never heard my mother talk like that. It seemed like she had really given a lot of thought to what she was saying. 'I'm sorry that I wasn't the mother you needed me to be.'

There it was. Finally. She acknowledged it. As annoyed as I was that she had chosen this moment to tell me, I was also grateful. After all, I had waited for her to say this for years. I was silent, not knowing what to say and not wanting to interrupt her.

'I can't promise you that I'll ever be the mother you need me to be but I can promise you that I will try my best, if you let me. Your strength has always intimidated me in a way because I knew that I could never handle the things you've handled. I admire you, Lana. I admire you for who you are, that you're so different than me.' she reached out to take my hand and I let her.

Although her words didn't affect me in the way they should have, most likely because I had been more or less prepared for them, they made me think about, made me aware of, my inability to ever be a mother myself. Even though my mother was convinced that I was nothing like her, she'd had the biggest part in making me the person I was today. And all I wanted was to do the same thing for my child one day. I knew Gerard didn't care or he did a very good job at pretending he didn't, in fact, he had already read up on adoption online, but I couldn't help but care. I had tried to keep these thoughts away, especially today, but whenever I looked at Gerard, thinking about my future with him, our future together, there was something missing. Maybe it was stupid to think that way, or maybe everyone in love felt like this, I wasn't sure. All I knew was that that I wanted nothing more than to have a baby with Gerard one day, a little boy or girl that had both our features, that I would carry in my belly for nine month, a little person we both created together. We would never have that.

'Are you okay Lana? It's almost time.' I hadn't even realized that Greg had opened the door.

'Yes. I was just...thinking.' I said, letting go of my mother's hand. She looked at me, worried, I could tell, but I gave her a weak smile. 'I'm ready.'

Was I? I didn't have second thoughts. And I knew that eventually I would get over the fact that I couldn't have children with Gerard. We were together and I was almost completely healthy again and that was all that mattered. I shook my head as if to chase away the negative thoughts and turned to look into the mirror again. I would never not want to be Gerard's wife. Still, I needed to make sure. Just one more time. I darted out of the room, not hearing what Greg yelled after me.

*

'Lana, he's not allowed to see you before the wedding! It's tradition!' Mikey said, talking through a crack in the door.

'Fuck tradition, it's important!' obviously she was ignoring him and I moved closer. 'Baby?'

'Ugh, Mikey, back off. We'll talk through the door so I won't see her. Chill. And swerve.' I pushed him aside, trying my best to resist the urge to peek through the door. 'Is everything okay? You're not gonna bail on me right?'

'No! I would never. I just...' I could hear her ruffling the fabric of her dress nervously.

'Lana...you just what?' I pressed, not able to handle the weird feeling in my stomach that her obvious anxiety caused.

She sighed and the fumbling around stopped. 'I just wanted to make sure that you still want this.'

'What? Why would you even ask this? Of course I still want this!' what was this about?

For a moment, she seemed to listen closely for any sign of doubts in my voice. I knew she was worried about not being able to have children. I had seen the sad look on her face whenever she saw a pregnant woman on the street or we happened to come across something to do with the topic on TV. That, paired with the way she hesitated now, as if to make sure I didn't regret asking her to marry me. Which I would never. And yes, it was something we would miss out on, I was sad about it too because I'd give everything to have kids with her, the traditional way, to watch her belly grow, to feel it kick inside of her, to hold a son or daughter in my arms for the first time, looking for similarities in our faces. But just because I couldn't experience all that with her didn't mean I didn't want to be with her or marry her.

'You know how hard I'm trying not to yank open this door right now? I can't wait to marry you. I thought I've made that pretty clear.' I laughed softly, in hopes that it would make her feel better. And it worked.

'You have. I guess...I needed to hear it one more time.'

'LANA!' I heard Marie shout down the corridor and Lana gasped.

'I see you in a few minutes.' I said and she pulled the door shut and I could hear her racing back down to her room.

'Everything alright?' Mikey asked as I leaned against the door with a sigh.

'Yeah. Just Lana being Lana.' I replied, shaking my head.

I knew it was probably a conversation with her mother that had made her paranoid all of a sudden. Although I could only roughly imagine what Marie had said to her, their relationship was obviously complicated and I didn't blame Lana for letting her make her feel uneasy. My mother had done the same thing. She liked Lana but she was worried about me, marrying a 'sick' girl, suspecting the wrong reasons behind it. Obviously, she didn't dare to say it to my face but I knew nonetheless.

'Your Lana.' Mikey smiled and I abandoned the thoughts, smiling back at him.

*

He loved me despite all my imperfections. All my MANY imperfections. All the complications, no guarantee that they would ever go away. It still seemed so unbelievable. Like it was happening to someone else, not me. As I sat in my chair at the dressing table with Célia fixing my hair and make-up one last time, I remembered how I had felt the first time I met him. Every other guy would have ignored me, not out of spite but out of pity. But Gerard, Gerard had looked at me. Although I was ugly. Although I was sick. Although I was giving him grief, not making it easy for him to like me. He had looked at me, he had never looked away, although it would have been so easy for him not to see me.

He had always seen me.

In a way it was funny because while I was trying to make him see how perfect he was, I wouldn't let him do the same. But we would get married in just a few moments. I would have to learn to accept the fact that he wanted ME.

It was a beautiful day. The sun, which had been shining all day although the air was crisp and cold, was just about to set when my mom and Cél lead me downstairs, where Greg was already waiting to walk me down the aisle. The house had been decorated just the way we had agreed on, subtly, with white flowers - mostly daisies, white bows and big white candles in glass jars.

We had only invited a few people but they filled the house with so much love that it felt like the biggest celebration ever.

'How is he?' I asked Greg as he held out his arm for me.

'I'd say he's very eager to see you and marry you.' he smiled and I felt the urge to just sprint down the hallway into the living room where I knew Gerard was waiting.

'Let's do this then!' I pleaded, tightening my grasp on him.

The next few moments felt like a dream. It sounds cheesy but it really did. The moment I laid eyes on Gerard, watching him lay eyes on me, I didn't register anything or anyone else in the room. He looked gorgeous but that was both an understatement and an implicitness. Most importantly, he looked happy, confident, no sign of doubt in his eyes, giving me the same undivided attention that I was giving him. Greg hugged me and kissed my cheek before putting my hand in Gerard's.

'Thanks dad.' I took a deep breath as I saw the tears welling up in his eyes, threatening to encourage my own.

Greg sat down next to my mom, taking her hand and I smiled at them before looking back at Gerard, who was also smiling through his happy tears. I was about to marry this beautiful man.

We both repeated the minister's words almost automatically, not really listening to him because we knew it anyway. I didn't even realize I had started crying until Gerard reached out to wipe away a tear from my cheek and I leaned into him to thank him.

I felt like the luckiest girl alive when he said 'I do.' and his smile when I said it too was the brightest I had ever seen.

We were married. Husband and wife. Was this real? I was afraid to blink, afraid to move, afraid to breathe but I did it anyway, with Gerard holding my hand, everything seemed easier and less scary. My lips were glued to his, still not caring about the other people in the room. Why should I? Surely, no one could blame me for being so focused on my husband.

'My husband.' I said out loud, smiling into the kiss. 'I love you.'

'I love you.' Gerard whispered against my lips, making my skin tingle.

And what had seemed so hard in the past, was suddenly so easy.

Notes

SIGH this was the last chapter...but there's gonna be an epilogue

Please let me know what you thought about this. The whole story in general. If you have any suggestions or criticism - let me know too!