The hardest part of this

'Honey I'm hoooooome!' I yelled as I stepped into the apartment, shaking off the cold and wet from outside. 'Hey Freckles! Where's mommy?' I greeted our dog, petting her head and she barked before running off again towards the bedroom.

'Lana?' I called, standing still to wait for a reply, but nothing. Weird. Her keys were still in the little bowl on the dresser where she always left them, her coat and boots untouched next to it.

I took off my own shoes and jacket, setting down my bag by the door. I had just been at a morning meeting for our upcoming Project Revolution tour and had finished an hour earlier than planned, giving me time to stop to pick up a late breakfast. It was Lana's day off so maybe she had fallen asleep again. I brought the food and beverages into the kitchen before sprinting down the hallway, ready to throw myself into bed to wake her up. But the bed was empty.

My eyes wandered to the open door to the bathroom, finding Lana there, leaning against the doorframe, her head in her hands. It was only then I heard her sniffing.

'Baby what's wrong?' I darted over to her, panicking when I saw her face. 'What's wrong?'

I put my arms around her, pulling her against my chest and she held on to me tightly, sobbing into my shirt. What was happening? Everything had been fine when I left this morning. She had smiled at me, had told me she loved me, had told me how excited she was for our upcoming trip to Paris for our first wedding anniversary. And now, she seemed devastated, shaking in my arms.

'I...I've been throwing up all morning. I don't know what's wrong. I'm so scared...what if...what if I'm sick again? What if....oh Gerard.' her voice broke and I could feel her pressing against me desperately as my own fear took a hold of me. Shit.

'Honey...why didn't you call? You know I would have been here in a heartbeat.' I cursed myself for being away when she was feeling so ill.

'I was scared...I thought...I was overreacting. Maybe I've eaten something wrong. Or it's the flu. But my stomach just hurts so badly.' I let go of her to look at her, stroking her cheek to calm her down.

Her face was alarmingly pale and what was even worse was the panic in her eyes. I knew that look too well. It was the same one she'd had back in Paris, when she had told me her cancer was back. I shook my head in an attempt to get rid of these scary thoughts, trying to make her do the same.

'Hey...hey...it could be anything. And maybe your stomach just hurts from throwing up. We don't know, let's not assume the worst, okay? Your last check-up was only like what? Ten weeks ago? And everything was fine. It's probably something else, don't be scared, okay? Let's get you to the doctors, have them take a look. Hmm?'

I talked to her as calmly as possible, knowing that if she realized I was actually panicking, it would trigger even more tears. Of course, our first thought would be that the cancer had come back yet again, it was only understandable given her medical history. Dr Miller had given her the all-clear about a month after our wedding but neither him nor anyone else had the guarantee that it would stay away for good this time. Naturally, my worst nightmares threatened to become reality but the most rational thing to do was to get her to a doctor to see if there was any other reason for her nausea.

*

I had calmed down a little when we arrived at the clinic, thinking about what Gerard had said. My blood work had been better than ever at my last check-up which made the possibility of it being cancer again relatively small. What had I eaten last night? Gerard and I had ordered Thai, maybe that was it? We always ordered from the same place and I had eaten the usual. And if it really was the food then why wasn't he sick? Could it be just a stomach flu? The nausea had come out of nowhere, without any warning and I spent all morning throwing up. Now I was feeling slightly better although my stomach hurt and thinking about the food I had eaten last night was still making me kind of queasy.

The nurse gave us a form to fill out and Gerard had to do it for me since my hands were shaking. He looked at me, obviously worried, as I handed him the pen, but smiled his encouraging smile that I knew all too well.

'Last name?' he asked and I rolled my eyes at him.

'Way.' I smiled weakly, knowing he was just trying to cheer me up.

We had been married almost a year and it seemed as though our honeymoon period would never end. We were still so crazy about each other, or even more, actually. Although it had been hard at first, having him leave to go on tour with the band when I couldn't come with him but I kept myself busy with work, writing more again and also giving private ballet classes. We had adjusted to our new life with ease and I loved every second of it. We had even looked up various adoption agencies to find out what our options were once we decided to take the next step. But if I had cancer again, everything would change. Who would give a kid to a sick woman? Would I even be able to beat the illness for a third time? How many times did I have to go through this? Maybe I only had a couple of weeks left? No, Lana, no, I told myself. You are overreacting. This could be anything.

He kept my hand in his while we waited and finally, just when my anxiety was threatening to come back, the nurse showed us to a bed, letting us know that the doctor would be with us shortly while pulling the curtain shut. A few minutes later, a tall woman with short grey hair joined us.

'Mrs Way? I'm Dr Sanderson.' the woman said and I nodded, extending my hand to shake hers. She greeted Gerard and then started to ask me all sorts of questions, while checking my blood pressure which was pretty low.

'You've been sick all morning? Any dizziness, fainting? Problems with your vision, like seeing black dots?' she asked, taking a blood sample.

'Just dizziness. I felt like passing out at one point but it's a little better now.' I answered and Gerard frowned. I hated myself for getting him so worried, again.

'And it says here that you're in remission from lymphoma, your last check-up with Dr Miller was ten weeks ago. Any other discomfort lately?'

I shook my head. Nothing. Actually, I had been feeling better than ever. Full of energy, my appetite had been great, I had finally reached the weight that I'd had before the cancer.

The doctor told me to lay down and lift up my shirt, before she started palpating my sensitive stomach.

'Let me know where it hurts.' she said and I winced almost immediately causing her to stop.

'Okay, we're gonna have to do an ultrasound. It could be your appendix or a cyst and I don't want to rupture anything. I'll be back in a few minutes.' she got up and left the room, leaving me unsure about whether or not I should feel relieved just yet.

*

Was it bad that I actually wished it was her appendix? Even though she would have to undergo surgery and stay in hospital for a few days, it would be over and done with, leaving nothing but a tiny scar. Nothing to worry about, nothing serious. Either way, I didn't like seeing her in pain.

'What if it's a tumor?' Lana whispered and I shifted towards her in my chair.

'Lana, shut up. It's not a tumor. Don't even think that.'

'But what if?' she replied, despite the look I was giving her.

'Well, then we'll know in a few minutes and we can do something about it.' I grabbed her hand again harshly, squeezing it a bit harder than necessary.

The doctor came back, rolling an ultrasound machine next to Lana's bed, turning it on.

'Okay, let's take a look.' she pressed the probe on her belly which made Lana gasp.

It was quiet in the room for what seemed like an eternity. Dr Sanderson moved over Lana's stomach carefully while looking at whatever she was seeing on the screen. Lana's eyes were fixated on some point on the ceiling, avoiding mine in order to hide her fear. I could still feel it in the way she held my hand, her thumb pressing down on the back of it as if to make sure I didn't let go. I held my breath, worried by the way the doctor was furrowing her brow.

'It doesn't seem to be your appendix.' she finally said.

'I knew it. It's a tumor right?' Lana said, closing her eyes.

'Lana...' I groaned.

'It's not a tumor but...' Dr Sanderson replied, still concentrating on the picture in front of her.

'BUT? But what? Oh God, there's something there. I knew it!' Lana cried out, crazy panic showing on her face and in her voice now.

'Honey, calm down.' I moved closer, putting my hand on her head, stroking her hair.

I couldn't help but feel frightened myself. If it wasn't a tumor, what could it be? And why was the doctor acting so strange? Was she actually smiling now? What the fuck?'

'There's something there, yes. Definitely.' her smile widened even more. 'Something's growing but it's not a tumor. Why don't you have a look?'

She turned the monitor towards us and all I could see was some black and grey shapes. I actually had no idea what I was looking at. And why was this good news? I was confused. Lana was staring at the screen and her mouth slowly opened in shock.

'Umm what exactly are we looking at?' I asked, feeling stupid. I was obviously missing something.

'Is that? No, it can't be.' Lana muttered but the doctor nodded.

'This right here, that's your uterus. And this-' she pointed at a little potato-shaped thing in the middle. '-is your baby. You're pregnant.'

*

What?

Did she just say? Pregnant?

That couldn't be. How?

I was so shocked I couldn't even react at first. Unable to say anything, I stared at Gerard, then back at the monitor. Then, I reached out, my fingertips touching the image on the screen while my other hand hovered over my belly. There was a baby? Inside of me? Inside my body, which had been fighting against me for so long, as if it didn't even belong to me? I couldn't make sense of it. Not because several doctors had told me that my chances of having a baby were practically zero but because I couldn't believe such a hostile place would be able to create and hold such a fragile little thing - new life.

Even though the evidence was right in front of me, even though a doctor had just confirmed it, it just couldn't be true. It was impossible. I couldn't be pregnant. I couldn't get pregnant. I hadn't even had my period. In years. Ever since I started my first cancer treatment.

'W-what?' I stuttered, still looking at the screen. She might as well just told me that there was an unicorn in my belly. Well, there basically was.

'A baby?' Gerard's voice cracked as he jumped up from his chair in order to take a closer look.

'Indeed. See that little flutter here?' the doctor pointed at the screen and I also squinted to make out the tiny movement. 'That's the heartbeat. And it's strong and healthy. Congratulations.'

Gerard gasped and looked at me again with the same shocked, incredulously yet overwhelmed expression that I knew I was displaying.

Next thing I knew he had me wrapped up in his arms and I was sobbing as I held on to him so tightly it took both our breaths away. We were gonna have a baby. Our own, biological child. And it was growing inside my own body. My sobs turned into laughs and Gerard let go of me in order to kiss me, again and again.

-

Our daughter, Elena Lee Way was born on November 1st 2007. She was tiny due to the fact that she was a few weeks early but completely healthy and beautiful, with a head full of dark hair and the biggest, bluest eyes I had ever seen.

Being pregnant had been wonderful. I almost felt bad for enjoying it so much, knowing that I should be feeling like a bloated, grumpy whale. After the morning sickness had passed, my energy came back full force, as well as my appetite. I was glowing. Gerard started fussing even more and I loved it, being clingier and more loved up than ever. We had so much sex that anyone would have thought we were still trying to get pregnant.

We went to childbirth classes and Gerard even insisted on coming to antenatal yoga class with me but it resulted in being kicked out for 'disrupting the class' because we kept having laughing fits and also couldn't keep our hands to ourselves. We then continued to do our own version of 'yoga' at home which was a lot more fun anyway.

I adored my huge belly and we would spend hours just feeling and listening to the baby's movements. I could tell Gerard loved showing off his 'pregnant wifey' but at the same time he was very protective over me and the 'peanut'. As if he didn't make me feel special enough already.

And then, she arrived, turning our lives upside down. In the best way possible.

Watching Gerard cradle her in his arms was a sight that always brought me close to tears. The way he looked at her, the way he cooed over her, the way he compared her face to mine and sang us both to sleep, just like he'd done when she had still been inside of me.

I looked at him as we lay in bed, Elena asleep between us, and for the first time ever, I saw my illness as a blessing. If it hadn't been for the cancer, I would have never met him.

If it hadn't been for the cancer, I hadn't been so lucky.

Notes

~*~*~THE END~*~*~

WHO CRIED?
I did while writing. But dammit they deserve to be happy and they deserve the perfect life together, right? RIGHT?

I really didn't want this story to end. But I never want a story to end. I always grow attached to my characters. SIGH. I love Lana and Gerard and I hope you did to. And I hope you loved this ending as much as I did.

Anyway, I'm working on a new story already but I don't know when the first chapter will be up. Hopefully in a couple of days.

Thank you all for reading!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS :)

xoxo