The hardest part of this

I had already parked the car and we were sitting in silence. Lana was staring out the window and although I didn't want to hear what she had to say, I wanted to hear something. Anything.

This wasn't an easy decision to make. Only a few weeks ago I had written a statement, letting the fans know that I couldn't go on tour or record the next album because of Lana's illness and now I was already thinking about writing another one, this time, letting them know I was never coming back.

'I won't let you do this. And you know it. If you quit the band, the wedding's off. As easy as that.' she looked at me and I could tell she was actually serious. 'I get that I'm important to you and I love you more than anything else for making me your priority. But that doesn't mean that you can just quit doing what you love doing. Get a new manager if Brian's being an asswipe. Talk to the label. I'm not gonna be sick forever. And you said it yourself, I can work from home IF someone's interested in my scripts. So I can come with you on tour. You won't be leaving me behind.'

Everything she was saying made sense. And was doable. But what Brian had said and the way he had acted, as if my plan to get married was simply a 'bad business decision' and nothing more, it made it seem so pointless, with a bitter aftertaste.

'What if we want to start a family though? What then? Do I also need permission for that? Do I owe everyone an explanation for what I want to do with my life? It shouldn't have to be like this.'

She sighed, her eyes avoiding mine. I could tell she wanted to argue with me, point out that we couldn't have children anyway and the truth was, it hurt me just as much as it hurt her and that was exactly the reason why I still wanted her to know that I wasn't giving up that easily. An adoption process was long and difficult but it was definitely something I was willing to go through. Even though I wasn't so sure whether or not she was.

'It is like this though. And you knew it would be like this when you signed that contract. Remember why you did it in the first place. Not for yourself, not for the guys or for the label. You did it because you believed that what you were doing meant something. And it still does. You can't forget that just because one person let you down or because you have something else in your life that means more to you now.' she was talking about Brian and herself.

'And if it's too difficult for us? If we can't do it?' I asked, not ready to admit that she was right just yet.

Lana leaned over to kiss me, her hands wrapping around my neck.

'We've been through worse. I'm pretty sure we can do it.'

*

Although Célia was tired from the long flight, she insisted on seeing the top five possible wedding dresses to help me chose the winner. So we sent the boys back to the apartment without us and went to the boutique where I had found the dresses, all in the same romantic, flowy style, some embroidered with flowers, most of them strapless.

'Gerard is gonna cry. I know it.' she gasped as I stepped out in my personal favorite. a dream in ivory silk. 'Fuck, I'm gonna cry, okay! I'm already crying.'

'This one then?' I asked and she nodded, wiping away a stray tear.

'It's my mom's and Donna's favorite too.'

'I still can't believe you're getting married! It's so crazy. And only a month after he proposed!'

'I know. But we just didn't want to wait. I mean there's no point in waiting. Although I told him again and again to think about whether or not he really wants to do this.' I admitted, looking at myself in the big mirror.

Despite the lack of make-up and styled hair, I really looked like a bride. The only thing missing was Gerard at my side, in his suit.

'He loves you. He doesn't care about anything else.'

'That's what worries me.' I said, walking over to her.

'Oh come on. You're just the same. And that's how it's supposed to be. That's why I knew that Mateo and you weren't working. You were thinking too much, you weren't carefree. Or reckless. In a good way. Gerard makes your wild side come out, God knows you tried to stop him from doing that long enough.'

'Umm do I have to remind you that YOU were the one who talked me into dating Mateo?' I raised my brows at her and she shrugged.

'I honestly thought you would be better off with him. But that was before I got to know Gerard and before I got to know you with Gerard. Plus, I don't regret talking you into trying with Mateo because in the end, it helped you realized how badly you wanted Gerard.'

I smiled, knowing how right she was. Things had been easy with Mateo and things were often complicated with Gerard. But that was due to the fact that we were so crazy about each other. We both had our skeletons but we would still dig a hole to bury them for each other.

'Well, a week from now, I'm gonna be Mrs Gerard Way.'

'Doesn't that sound fancy.' Célia clapped her hands and got up to scurry me back into the changing room to help me out of my dress. 'I wonder if Noah is ever going to ask me.'

'He will.' I turned around to hug her. 'Once you actually gonna learn to deal with his snoring.'

'Or he gets surgery for it.' she smirked.

*

The conversation with Lana still lingered in the back of my mind as we sat in our favorite diner where we had taken Célia and Noah for dinner. I felt kind of stupid for considering to quit the band just because Brian disagreed with me getting married. It wasn't like me to give up that easily when things were getting complicated. And thankfully, Lana hadn't let me.

At the end of the day, I had taken a lot of risks. I had poured everything I had into this band, blood, sweat and tears and even though I knew what the choice would be if it came down to it, it didn't come down to it yet. So I called Ray as I stepped out for a cigarette, telling him about the conversation with Brian and he agreed that he had been out of line.

'But dude, don't worry about this now. You're getting married in a few days! Concentrate on that and nothing else. We'll get together after your honeymoon and figure something out.' he said.

He reminded me why I had decided to call him up, that fateful day in October 2001, to ask him if he wanted to start a band. He reminded me that the music was the only thing that mattered. And if for some reason certain people wanted to make it about something else, there was no room for them on our crew. As supportive as Brian had been, I was tired of negotiating with him. The only decision worth making was the one we, the band, made, for the sake of our music.

Lana grabbed my hand under the table as I returned and I smiled at her, letting her know everything was alright.

'So we were just discussing the fact that you decided not to have a Bachelor or Bachelorette party. That's totally lame. But okay. Just know that you're still not allowed to spend the night before the wedding together. I'm taking Lana to the Hamptons the day before and you are gonna stay here with Noah. If you wanna invite some strippers over, that's okay. We might invite some over, too.' Cél said but Lana just shook her head at her.

'I never ever saw a stripper.' Noah said, sounding content with that realization.

'You're not missing much.' I replied, gaining a shocked look from Lana. 'What? I'm in a band!'

'I should have let you quit when I had the chance.' she joked and I put my arms around her, playfully pulling her against my chest.

'You two make me sick.' Célia sighed, rolling her eyes.

*

'So, strippers huh?' I teased as we entered the apartment.

'Don't judge. That was back in the dark days.' Gerard said, pulling off his beanie.

'I would never judge. I'm just surprised that you weren't into it.'

'Why? Do I seem like the type of guy who's into strippers?' he gave me a crooked smile.

'I can't really tell what you're into. Well, I know a few things but not all of them.' I smirked, walking past him into the living room.

It was true. Even though we would get married in a few days, there were a few sides of Gerard that I knew were there but had never seen. One of which was his kinky side. I had seen glimpses of it but I could just tell there was more to it. And I was more than excited to discover it. Maybe he felt the same about me? Or maybe he would bring out things in me that I didn't even know existed, like he had done before.

I turned around to him, seductively pulling off my scarf, letting it fall to the floor. He wolf-whistled, following me into the bedroom.

'Pick a song.' I said and he seemed confused.

'A song for what?' he asked, walking over to the stereo.

'What do you think?' I smiled and he blushed immediately.

'Oh. Don't you wanna wait 'til our wedding night?'

'For our wedding night, YOU'RE gonna strip for ME.' his mouth fell open and for once, he couldn't think of a sassy comeback.

Instead, he took a CD, put it in and skipped the tracks to find the one he wanted. A second later, 'Skin on Skin' by Queens of the Stone Age was filling the room with even more sexual tension. I smiled at his perfect choice before pushing him down on the bed where he popped himself up on his elbows, watching me in anticipation.

He was more impatient than I had thought, grabbing my arm and pulling me onto his lap before I could even take off my dress.

'Hey, I'm not done yet!' I protested put he ignored me, his mouth finding the zipper at the front of my dress, pulling it down with his teeth.

'I'm just speeding things up a little.' he giggled, letting me go again as he exposed my black underwear.

'Naughty.' I said, getting up but staying close, continuing to move to the music, Gerard's eyes fixated on me.

'Who's talking.' he reached out to touch me but I slapped his hand away playfully.

We kept playing this game a little longer and it gave me the biggest kick to make him blush, gasp, sigh and eventually grow hard in his pants while I slowly undressed. Eventually I was only in my panties and he was adorable, watching me with widened eyes, like a kid in a candy store. Again, he grabbed me, this time pulling me next to him on the bed, his hands roaming over my body immediately.

'Are you done now?' he asked, raising a brow and I nodded. 'Good. 'Cause I can't wait to take that last piece off.'

And then, he took my breath away, slipping his hand into my panties, kissing me hard. I was in heaven.

Notes

I'm having such a bad case of writer's block right now and it's annoying because for the first time in MONTHS I actually have time to write. Like, a LOT of time. But I just can't seem to do it.

Luckily, I pretty much finished the next chapter (which will be the last one btw) and the epilogue chapter but still...I've had such a great idea for a new story but every time I sit down to start writing, my mind goes blank.

Any tips on how to deal with that? I've had it before and I literally didn't write for YEARS. I don't want that to happen again, obviously!

Hope you enjoyed this chapter and thanks for the sweet comments :)