Stay With Me

I left the office at the end of the hour, feeling lighter and less afraid then when I stepped inside. The guy I met in the waiting room had been right. I felt a sudden gratitude towards him, because I knew if it wasn’t for him and his words of encouragement I would have been too terrified to speak as honestly as I did. I would have frozen up in my fear and not gotten any relief from the hour I spent with Nina. I wanted thank him. I stood in the waiting area for five minutes, hoping to see him come out. If anyone had come in I would have looked strange, anxiously fidgeting with my coat but I was too busy focusing on other things to worry about it. So what if they thought I was weird, if they were coming in here that meant they were too in one way or another. It was a comfort to realise that I probably wasn’t the craziest person who came in. Maybe I wasn’t alone in my suffering; maybe there were others who could understand my pain. The reason I was standing here right now like a stalker waiting for a man I didn’t know was because a part me wanted to believe that maybe he could understand me, or at least have gone through something so terrible himself that he could empathise. So I waited, like an idiot in the empty cold room for as long as I could stand it. My patience wore thin after that, knowing my luck he was probably already gone. I had made an appointment for the same day next week so I could thank him then assuming he kept to the same time every week. I fastened my coat and made my way out of the building with brisk steps, fully aware that Frank would probably be anxious to hear how it went. I wasn’t ready to tell him what I had revealed to Nina but the fact I was willing to go back would hopefully reassure him that I was on the right path. I walked down the narrow wooden staircase that would take me to the front door of the building, and to my delight and trepidation I could make out a figure standing in the doorway, smoking a cigarette. He was busy watching the busy street so he didn’t notice me as I stepped down the stairs with lighter steps. I took my time walking towards him, using the time to take his features in again.

He was a very handsome man I decided. His skin was pale in an ‘I’m not sick, I just never see the sun’ kind of way. It suited him though; any tan would have marred the beauty of his skin in my eyes. His hair stopped just below his ears, curling at the bottom which suggested it was overdue for a cut. His lashes were long and dark, framing his large eyes. His posture was terrible; he hunched his shoulders slightly making him appear an inch or so smaller than he was. He was casually dressed, but he still looked well in his jacket and jeans that fit his frame perfectly. He wasn’t skinny by any means but he didn’t appear to carry any extra weight. He looked healthy as he leaned against the door frame. From his side profile I could see just how pixie like his nose was, perfectly straight and small. His jaw line was quite soft, almost feminine but it made him more beautiful. He would never suit a beard or a moustache; his face was far too young and boyish to ever pull it off successfully. I enjoyed my secret staring far more than I should have. It went beyond curiosity; I suppose creeping was a better word for it. I shouldn’t let myself get so drawn in but I rarely took notice in members of the opposite gender so when I did I really took notice. I would be lying if I said I didn’t find him attractive. He was pale with dark skin and dark eyes; by virtue of being the opposite of my blond haired blue eyed tanned stepbrother he was automatically my type. He made my blood race the way Frank did when we first met. He still did even after six years, especially when he roamed around our apartment shirtless and gave me a good view of the myriad of tattoos that littered his body. I wondered if this guy had tattoos, maybe some hidden in places that only someone intimately acquainted with him could see.

I deliberately treaded the last step with a heavy step to draw his attention to my presence. It worked; he pivoted to watch my descent from the last step and my slow, anxious steps towards him. I could make out the colour of his eyes now; the hazel irises were guarded and observant as he eyed me with curiosity and possibly nervousness too. He threw his cigarette out onto the street with a careless flick of his wrist, not caring where it landed. He didn’t appear to be as calm as he was in the waiting room. I wondered if it was because of me that he was looking so insecure and vulnerable. I mentally slapped myself at the thought, whether I made or nervous or not didn’t matter. I had a boyfriend I loved dearly who was good to me, and I was loyal to him in every way. The fact that I found this stranger so attractive and enticing made me sick with guilt when I thought about how Frank would feel if he knew.

‘Hey’ his soft voice broke the silence when I reached the door.

‘Hi’ I looked at my feet when I spoke to him, too self conscious to meet his eyes. It was a nervous habit I had learned to break but in times of severe nervousness I still found myself reverting back to it. Whether I wanted to or not, this guy definitely made me a little nervous. If he made me nervous it meant that I would care what he thought of me, which was the last thing I needed. I had enough people to try and please in this world without adding someone else to the list, especially not a guy who was attractive and seemingly nice. My expectations of this guy were going to be too high for him to meet if I gave him the chance to get to know me.

‘How did your first session go?’ his tone didn’t change, the slight edge to the softness was endearing to me.

‘Good, actually. I actually wanted to thank you… for calming me down earlier. I came here thinking that I’d go in for one session and never came back but you’re right about Nina. She’s good…so, thank you’ I ended awkwardly, lifting my head a little in an effort to not appear to anti social.

‘No need to thank me, like I said it wasn’t too long ago I came here for the first time. My brother literally had to drag me into the waiting room, but now I’m glad he did. It was the best thing I’ve ever done. I’m sure it’ll be the same for you too.’

‘I hope so.’ I fixed the bag strap that was resting on my shoulder in a nervous fidget.

I’d forgotten about the white bandage that covered my wrist, accidentally exposing it when the sleeve of my coat rose up from the movement. When I caught him fixating on my wrist I took a quick glance. I quickly lowered my hand back down to my side but it was too late. He had already seen, and the sympathetic expression on his face made me feel ashamed and embarrassed. Upon seeing my reaction he tried to act as though he hadn’t noticed but we both knew he had.

‘I should go. Thanks again’ my voice went up in pitch as I brushed past him, hoping to never see him again.

‘Wait!’ he rushed after me, forcing me to stop in my tracks as I stepped onto the street.

I stood impatiently, desperate to get away from him. His face betrayed the conflict going on in his mind before his hand reached into his pocket to retrieve his wallet. He opened it and pulled out a small white card, handing it to me with shaking hands. I took it off him cautiously, reading the black italic print with narrowed eyes.

Gerard Way
Artist & Illustrator
B.F.A
The bottom of the card had a cell phone number in bold print.

‘That’s my card. If you ever want to talk you can reach me at any time.’ His spoke quickly, worried about my reaction.

I tore my eyes away from the card to look at him. He seemed like a nice guy, but I knew from the past that appearances could be deceptive. I had no intention of calling him to find out.

‘Thanks’ I waved the card a little, giving him a little smile in an effort not to be rude.

‘Maybe we could meet for a coffee sometime?’ I could hear the hope in his voice, mixed with a little fear. His body language betrayed his feelings as he scratched the back of his neck and flushed a little while he waited for my answer.

I held in the sigh that wanted to escape. I hated being put in a position where I had to say no, but I wasn’t going to say yes and give him the impression I was available.

‘Em, I’m not sure my boyfriend would appreciate that.’

‘Oh’ he spoke dejectedly, making me feel like shit.

I gave him an awkward smile, showing my obvious discomfort. His eyes were downcast for a moment as he tried to regain a bit of composure before he looked at me again, his cheeks even more enflamed. I felt bad for him, I truly did but it was better disappointing him now instead of leading him on. I didn’t have the heart to do it, especially not to someone who was making a point of reaching out to me.

‘Well, the offer still stands. If you ever need to talk don’t be afraid to call me. Sometimes it’s good to have someone to talk to.’ He gave me a weak smile to cover up his awkwardness, trying to save face and recover from the rejection.

I nodded quickly.

‘Thanks….bye Gerard. It was nice meeting you.’

I took one last look at him before turning around and walking down the street, hailing a cab while forcing myself not to look back at the figure who was still watching me as I got inside the yellow car.

Notes

Thoughts?