Stay With Me

When I walked into the office itself, finding that it was rather…homely I suppose was the right word. There were two small couches, but both were old and worn looking. Not necessarily dirty or in disrepair, but it was the kind you’d find in your grandmother’s house. I barely had time to take in the warm brown tone of the wallpaper, in contrast to the light brown wood desk that was situated close to the window. Beside the desk stood a large, metal file cabinet that made me apprehensive when I looked at it. Would I be a file in there too, something to be pulled apart and dissected like an equation that needed to be solved? How could I talk to somebody who probably just saw me as nothing other than pay check? She wouldn’t care, not really. My problems, my past, they didn’t affect her. They didn’t give her nightmares, or haunt her every waking moment. Why am I even here?

‘Take a seat, please’ I was instructed kindly by the doctor, which I followed wordlessly.

‘So, Miss Cassidy…’ the doctor spoke as she sat down and made herself comfortable on the couch opposite me ‘…My name is Doctor Manning, but I’d prefer it if you called me Nina. I spoke to your boyfriend on the phone this morning. He seemed rather…concerned for you.’

I nodded blankly at her, before realising she was probably waiting for me to say something. Fuck, how am I supposed to do this?

‘I um…I…kind of…attempted suicide on Friday night.’

The words felt strange out of my mouth. In saying them, I was finally admitted what I did. It made it all so real to me. By keeping silent I’d avoided the harsh truth of what I had done and what it meant. I had tried to end it all, and somehow the gravity of the situation was only hitting me now. If I had succeeded I would be dead right now.

‘That’s a pretty drastic step. I can see you’re nervous, but I’m here to help. I’m not going to force you to speak to me or tell me anything you don’t wish to talk about, but in order for us to work together it would be a great benefit to you if you open up. It’s not something I expect is going to happen today, but while you are here today I would like to perhaps start the ground work. Perhaps you can just tell me a little bit about yourself?’

‘Okay’ I took a deep breath.

‘Um, well, my name is Grace obviously. I’m twenty five. I work here in the city as a legal secretary. I live with my boyfriend Frank. My father died when I was twelve, and my mother remarried shortly afterwards. I did okay in school I suppose, I never caused any trouble. I have a group of friends that I see regularly so I’m a social person. Uh…I’m not sure what else to say, really.’

‘Okay, we’ll start from there. Tell me about your boyfriend.’

‘Frank? He’s…amazing. I met him when I was in college, we hit it off straight away but I was hesitant about getting involved with him at first. He kept on hanging around though, and eventually I said yes when he asked me on a date. That was six years ago.’

‘You obviously love him, I can tell by the smile on your face’ she observed with a smile on her face.

‘I do, he means the world to me.’

‘Young love’ Nina said, the smile still on her face. ‘You said you were hesitant at first, why is that?’

I didn’t answer straight away. The silence lingered for a few seconds before I broke it.

‘I didn’t think that I was good enough for him. I still don’t.’

‘I’m sure that’s not true.’

I shook my head in denial.

‘No it’s true…he doesn’t know how dirty I am. He doesn’t know the truth about me.’

Nina seemed to hesitate before she leaned forward slightly, her expression suddenly serious.

‘What is the truth Grace?’

‘That I’m broken…dirty.’

‘Why would you think that?’

‘Because he told me.’

‘Frank?’ she asked in confusion.

‘No’ I shook my head ‘Nick.’

‘Who’s Nick, Grace?’

‘My stepbrother.’

Nina stilled, and I could practically see her brain clicking as some of the pieces fell into place for her.

‘Grace…did your brother, stepbrother I mean…did he hurt you?’ her voice was quiet, as though she was talking to a caged, frightened animal that was ready to attack. She wasn’t far off the truth as the adrenaline started pumping through my body, going into fight or flight mode. I was absolutely terrified of the way she leaned in closer to me, the way her kind eyes were boring into mine as she saw the truth in my body language. I wanted to run, my hands gripping the couch in panic and desperation. I didn’t want to say it; the words were too painful to speak out loud. But for once, just once, I wanted to let someone know what had happened to me. To let someone in, let them know why I was the way I was. I wanted someone to believe me. Something inside me shut down, protecting me from the words I was about to speak.

‘He raped me, nearly every night, for four years. I was twelve when it started.’

The words were cold, detached. They didn’t sound like they had come from me, but the nod of understanding Nina gave me let me know that I had said it.

‘I’m sorry Grace. I’m sorry you went through that.’

It wasn’t the words that set me off, but the tone of empathy behind them. I broke down in sobs, as I felt a dam somewhere in my mind burst as I finally spoke the words I held inside for long. I finally heard the words I needed to hear for the last thirteen years. She pushed a box of tissues towards me but made no other move to comfort me. She understood that I needed to calm myself down before I could continue; any move on her part would just make me cry harder. It took me the best part of ten minutes to calm down enough to be able to speak again.

‘Did your mother know about the abuse?’ Nina asked gently.

‘No’ I shook my head slowly ‘My mother and I didn’t have the best relationship. When my father died we drifted apart. It got worse when she remarried. I started lying a lot to get attention, just about small things really but I was afraid she wouldn’t believe me if I told her. I didn’t want to ruin her happiness either. George, my stepfather, he was good to her and me. She deserved to have someone who made her happy.’

Nina nodded, leaning back on her couch.

‘Do you still think she wouldn’t believe you if you told her now?’

‘I don’t know…we don’t speak too often so it’s hard to judge.’

‘Do you still see your stepbrother?’

‘Until last weekend I hadn’t seen him in close to four years.’

‘I assume seeing your stepbrother is connected to what happened last Friday?’

‘It was my mother’s birthday party, it was just a small one in her house…Nick cornered me when I went to the bathroom. He…he put his hand up my dress, told me that he could still have me any time he wanted. My stepfather interrupted so he didn’t get any further but it just made me feel so worthless. Even after all these years he can still get to me. I couldn’t fight him off.’

‘It’s not your fault Grace. He cornered you unexpectedly, and assuming he’s a fully grown adult he had you at a disadvantage.’

‘I should’ve been able to fight him off, I should have hit him, bit him, done something but I couldn’t. I froze, and I felt like I was fucking twelve years old again.’

‘Grace, you were frightened. People react in different ways when confronted with something they find distressing. Some will fight for self preservation, and some of us freeze. Your reaction was normal considering your circumstances. Don’t be blaming yourself for that.’

‘Maybe you’re right, but it still angers me that after all these years he still has power over me. He can hurt me, and I’ll never be able to be able to live my life without the fear he’ll came after me. It’s why I tried to…do what I did…on Friday. I just wanted it to end. I wanted the pain, and the fear, and the misery to go away. I just wanted it to go away.’

I ended up crying again, but this time I didn’t try to hold them back. I didn’t try to stop them, or shorten their duration. For the first time in my life, I let myself cry all the tears of pain that had been built up over the years. I let myself wallow in the misery, because as I sat there I realised that Nina didn’t mind if I cried. Nina wasn’t angry, or distressed, or annoyed over my tears. She didn’t threaten me with violence if I was too loud. She didn’t make me feel bad for being upset. She let me be free to express my emotions the way I needed to. Looking at her through my tear filled eyes, I realised that she was offering me something that had been withheld from me for a very long time.

She was offering me freedom to be myself.

Notes

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