Stay With Me

I pulled the keys out of my bag, the jingle of metal against metal ringing out in the quiet hallway. I searched for the right key, finding the only silver one and sliding it into the gold lock. The door opened with a small click and a light push. The minute it was opened I could smell food wafting from the kitchen. The TV was on, my ears registering a loud male voice shouting about betrayal while a woman sobbed. I shut the door behind me before leaving my keys on top of the small plastic table to my left. The apartment was nice and warm compared to the cold autumn air outside which necessitated a heavy coat to beat the chill. I shrugged my coat off and hung it on the coat rack just beside the desk. Frank’s leather jacket was there, informing it he was there if the TV and smell of food had gone unnoticed by me. With a deep sigh, I walked into the large open plan living area and kitchen.

Our apartment was cosy, painted in warm tones, with a plush suede couch that was a joy to sleep on if I was so inclined. The living room floor was wooded with heating pipes underneath making it a dream to walk on bare footed during the winter when the heating was turned on. The fire place had a few ornaments on it, given to us by Frank’s mother as a house warming present. There was a large mirror above it, which I used to do my make up in the morning so Frank could use the bathroom. My cosmetics joined the ornaments on the white mantle piece; letting everyone know a woman occupied the place. The forty inch TV was a good indicator that a man lived there, which was hooked up to surround sound speakers and game consoles. There were a few framed picture scattered around the living area of the two of us, all of them featuring us with matching smiles. We looked happy and in love in the pictures, and it always made me smile when I took the time to analyse the pictures. I turned to face the kitchen, finding Frank in the middle of making dinner. The place was spotless as always in the aftermath of Frank’s cooking. We were opposites in that way. Anyone coming in after my attempts at cooking would think a nuclear explosion had taken place as bits of food would be everywhere and the pots and dishes were piled next to the sink. Cleaning definitely wasn’t my forte, which made Frank’s neatness a blessing. If I left a mess, he would clean it up. He didn’t even say anything about it anymore; it was just part of our routine now. Frank’s back was turned to me as he bent down to check whatever he had put into the oven. I saw a glass of wine on the counter. The red colour revealed it was wine, something I refused to drink. He was stressed if he was drinking wine; it was one of the few things that helped him unwind at the end of the day. It was a reminder of what I had put him through over the last few days. I had been selfish to the extreme without any consideration for Frank and how my actions would affect him. The fact that I only realised that now made my stomach churn with guilt.

‘Hey’ I spoke over the volume of the TV my voice, getting his attention.

He stood up sharply in surprise and faced me, letting me take the sight of him in. He wasn’t a tall man, standing at five foot four but it was something I loved about him. When we made love we complimented each other perfectly height wise, giving me an extra sense of comfort as it contrasted with Nick’s six foot frame which had always towered over me and smothered me. His skin was very lightly tanned due to his Italian heritage, and covered in tattoos. I loved every single one of them as they added to his individuality, giving me a physical reminder of just how perfect he was. His smile was boyish and easy going, and never failed to make my heart skip a beat. His dark chocolate brown hair was falling into his big brown eyes, the length was long enough for me to run my hands through it when we kissed or whenever I just wanted to be close to him. The white shirt he wore hid his toned body from view much to my displeasure. He worked out and it showed, his muscles were hard to the touch. There was a scar on his nose from the nose piercing he had in college, matching two other scars along his bottom lip. He resented getting rid of them for work, but he was realistic enough to understand that he would never get a decent job if he kept them. His large brown eyes were my favourite part of him though; they were so full of expression and framed deliciously with dark lashes. If we ever had children I wanted them to inherit his eyes. They showed the good person he was; he was kind, honest and so full of love and compassion that it put other people to shame.

‘Hey…how did it go?’ he asked, leaning his back against the counter and grabbing his glass of wine.

The action gave the appearance of ease and nonchalance but I know it meant the opposite. He was wound up, ready to pounce if he heard I hadn’t gone. I could see the careful way he observed me, searching for any sign of guilt. We rarely fought but when we did they were intense and one of us normally resorted to yelling, namely me.

‘It went well, I think’ I answered truthfully.

‘What did you talk about?’ he asked, still watching me.

‘Just stuff, about my mom and dad mostly’ I was deliberately vague.

He nodded but his expressive eyes told me he knew I wasn’t being completely forthcoming. I hated lying, but I wasn’t ready for the fallout I knew was ready to happen when he found out. More than likely he wouldn’t believe me. Even if he did, the outcome still wouldn’t be good. He would be angry that I kept it from him; angry that it had happened; angry that Nick to this day went unpunished for what he did. I wouldn’t just be Grace to him anymore; I would be Grace the rape victim. His view of me would change, and that frightened me enough to make me hope I would never have to tell him. That was if he believed me. The chances were that he wouldn’t. Nick was charming, warm hearted and generous to the people who didn’t know what a monster he was underneath the façade. While I hoped that Frank’s love for me would be in my favour, there was a chance that it wouldn’t be enough to convince him I was telling the truth.

‘Come here’ he stretched his arms out wide, waiting to envelope me in their warm embrace.

I didn’t hesitate to close the distance between us; in fact I was eager to. The last few days had taken their toll, and opening up to Nina had left me feeling more vulnerable than before. I wanted the comfort they always brought me when I didn’t feel like myself. They were safe and the scent from his body only made me want it more. It was a pure, simple pleasure to have them around me, holding me tight while I pressed my cheek against his chest and listened to his steady heart beat.

‘You’re still not going to tell me why you did it, are you?’ his voice was filled with pain and a little frustration.

‘I’m just not ready to yet…there’s so much you don’t know, so much I haven’t fully come to terms with yet. I need time to get my head around it before I can tell you. I’m not going to do it again though, I promise, and I love you more than anything else. Can that just be enough for now?’

He didn’t answer me straight away. He let out a low sigh, before resting his chin on the top of my head. His arms tensed around me, betraying his anger at my words. I thought he wasn’t going to answer when the words left his mouth in barely more than a whisper.

‘It’s enough for now.’

I hugged him tighter, secretly afraid that I would be forced to tell him the truth one day. The thought was enough to make me break out in a cold sweat that covered my entire body. It was something I was determined to avoid indefinitely.

‘What did you make for dinner?’ I changed the subject.

‘Lasagne, is that okay?’

‘It’s perfect’ I uttered, my words muffled as I snuggled against him.

Notes

Thoughts?