Stay With Me

“So, Grace, how have you been?”

Nina had that fake smile plastered on her face again. Then again, maybe it was genuine. It didn’t really matter, I suppose, either way. She leaned forward, grabbing her bottle of water on the table that filled the space between us. I waited, watching her unscrew the lid and bring the bottle to her lips. I don’t know what it was about Nina, but something about her just brought out the bitch in me.

“I fucked Gerard.”

It took every ounce of self-restraint I had to not laugh when she choked on the water, her eyes going wide as she coughed and spluttered.

I never said I was a nice person.

She recovered quickly, coughing up the last of the water before she gave herself a few seconds to get her breathing back in order.

“How did that come about?” she asked, faking neutrality to disguise her plain curiosity. Eyes don’t lie, though, and I could see she was more alert, more focused on me.

“Short version is that Frank rejected me, I walked out and went over to Gerard’s. One thing led to another.” I shrugged nonchalantly, trying to hide how shit I felt over my actions.

“Okay, let’s go back a step. What happened between you and Frank?”

I paused, biting my lip. I really didn’t want to go over what happened. It filled me with humiliation when I thought about it; I was only human, and the fact that Frank had rejected me, even if it was for a good reason, still hurt. Plus, the fact that I had clearly overreacted, and made a mistake as a result, was still a sore point. I wasn’t proud that I was now officially a cheater. Frank definitely deserved better than that, especially when I wasn’t even certain if I regretted it.

“We were…making out, and about to have sex, when he just stopped. He looked so scared, like he wanted to run away, and it just got to me-”

“Why?” Nina butted in.

“Because it felt like he confirmed my reasons for not telling him. I mean, up until recently we always had a really good sex life. We connected sexually, we have similar drives, similar desires. I always felt like he wanted me, in every way possible. I spent my teenage years beyond terrified of the idea of being sexually desired, I was so certain that every guy would be like Nick. That they would just take, that they would act like I was a doll that just had to take it. Then Frank came along, a guy who cared about me, and it didn’t seem so frightening that he wanted me in that way when I realised he wouldn’t hurt me. He taught me that it could be good, that it could be special and intimate, and not just a mindless act of aggression or violence. I didn’t feel humiliated, or degraded. I actually enjoyed it, and more importantly, he wanted me to enjoy it for me, and not as a way for him to prove I was a whore. It felt like it cancelled out everything Nick did and said. If Frank didn’t see me like that, then Nick was wrong.”

“So, when he stopped, you felt as though he didn’t see you for you anymore?” Nina asked, eyebrow raised.

“I guess so. Nick always said nobody would want me, that I was nothing but a cheap, broken whore. When Frank pushed me away, and he looked at me like he’s seen a ghost or something, it just reinforced everything Nick had told me. That was why I kept it from him, because I was afraid that even if Frank did believe me that he would only see a victim, something that was broken and tainted. I never wanted to see him look at me like that, I never wanted him to treat me like it defined me, or my sexuality. Maybe at one stage it did, but Frank changed that. Frank made me see it wasn't dirty, that it wasn’t wrong.”

“What did Frank say when he put a stop to things?What explanation did he give you?”

“He didn’t give me one. I had to get out of the apartment. I just couldn’t stay there and listen to whatever lie he was going to tell me, so I walked out. I needed to clear my head, pull myself together, because I was so sure things were over.”

“So, you didn’t let him explain himself?”

“No,” I whispered, blushing under Nina’s judging eyes.

She sighed, but held her tongue.

“So, you went to Gerard?”

“I didn’t plan to. I was walking, and I just found myself there. Honestly, I wasn’t even sure he’d talk to me. He was so angry with me last time we spoke, but he let me up. I didn’t plan on sleeping with him,” I was defending myself, not fooled by Nina’s unaffected exterior; “I swear I didn’t. I just wanted to distract myself, you know? I wanted to not think about it for a while, you know? But I couldn’t stop thinking aboutit. Then he started hugging me, and I told him what had happened, and then he started kissing me, and I should have stopped, but it just felt nice to be wanted. It felt like forever since I last felt that.”

“Do you think the reason you went to Gerard’s apartment was in some way motivated by the desire for revenge, maybe? Frank didn’t want you, so you went to someone who you knew had feelings for you? A person you knew wouldn’t reject you if given the chance?”

“I don’t know. I want to say no, but I suppose maybe on some level it’s true, even if I wasn’t thinking of it at the time. Or maybe I’m just a whore.”

“You’re not a whore, Grace,” Nina spoke sympathetically, her eyes softening, “You were hurt by a perceived rejection by a person you love. Hurt makes us do things we wouldn’t normally do. You felt invalidated as a sexual being and your relationship is in a less than stable place right now, so you sought the validation from another source, a source you knew and trusted. Did you tell Frank?”

“No,” I admitted, flushing an even deeper shade of pink.

“Where do things stand between the two of you?”

I sighed, running a hand over my face in frustration.

“They’re…okay, I think. We had sex yesterday for the first time since I tried to kill myself. We had a long talk yesterday. He said he loves me, that what I told him didn’t change his feelings for me. He said he was sorry for not handling things as well as he should have, but that he wants us to work through it. He told me the reason he stopped me was because he wanted us to talk. He asked me all these questions, about Nick and what happened, and why I didn’t tell him. He told me he felt like I was pushing him away, because I won’t tell him what’s going on in here, or that I’m hiding something from him.”

“Do you think he’s right? Are you pushing him away?”

“If I wanted to push him away, I would have told him about Gerard,” I said dryly.

“So, you have the intention of telling him about Gerard?” Nina asked.

“What would be the point? It would only hurt him.”

“Do you plan on seeing Gerard again?”

“I promised him I would.”

“Do you think that’s wise?”

“I don’t know what the fuck I should do anymore. I know I have feelings for him, and there’s definitely something there. I just… I know I love Frank, and I still want him. I don’t want to lose him, but Gerard just…gets me. I don’t feel like I have to pretend to be okay around him. I don’t have to pretend to be anything but me. But even if I didn’t still love Frank, I don’t know if a relationship would work. He’s got his own baggage, and I’m barely keeping myself together right now. I mean, there’s no way things would work when the two of us are still trying to figure our own shit out. I mean…could it? Can two people, one a recovering alcoholic and the other who’s just a plain mess...Can that work?”

“It would be difficult, probably. It would depend on what stages the two people are at, what coping strategies both people have, and if they’re aware of what their issues are. There’s no clear cut answer, but it’s certainly not impossible. People can find comfort and reassurance in being with someone who can understand and relate to their issues. There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to compatibility and longevity in a relationship. At the end of the day, it’s all about how much you want a relationship to work. If people put in enough time and effort, and communicate, anything is possible.”

I leaned back on my couch, more confused than ever. I loved Frank, and heaven knows I didn’t want to let go of him. He still loved me, even after I had kept such a big secret from him. I knew that would change if I told him about Gerard; I knew we wouldn’t survive that. Gerard had wormed is why into my mind, and my heart. I knew that if I allowed myself, I could fall for him, hard. There would be no secrets with him, no deception. Sure, there would be a lot of baggage, but maybe Nina was right- if we were willing to put in the effort, we could make it work. In a way, maybe Gerard would be a better choice, but Gerard and I didn’t have history. We didn’t have memories, or inside jokes. We didn’t have a life together, or plans for a future.

“Tell me what to do?” I pleaded.

Nina pursed her lips, and leaned back, relaxing her back against the couch.

“I can’t tell you what to do, Grace. That’s not my job. What I can do, is give you advice and clarity. You’re in a difficult place right now, emotionally. It’s hard to make a decision when you’ve no room to step back and take perspective on how you feel. Do you think taking a break from Frank, and Gerard, would be an option?”

“A break?”

“Just to give yourself time to find some clarity. We tend to realise what we want when we’re not confronted with our options.”

“That’s kind of not an option. I live with Frank, it’s impossible to get space.”

“Alright. That’s a problem, certainly. You need to find a way to take a good, hard look at your feelings, whether it’s by writing them down, making a list, or whatever.”

“Maybe,” I agreed, wishing there was some magical answer to the predicament I’d gotten myself into.

I wasn’t surprised to find Gerard waiting for me when I left Nina’s office. His hands were in his pocket, his shoulders hunched in a way that made him look smaller than he was. He looked so nervous, so vulnerable, and I’d be an unfeeling creature if it didn’t tug at my heart. He didn’t notice me at first, he was so lost in his thoughts. His hazel eyes were unfocused, staring at the floor, but not really seeing. He heard my footsteps, though, and when he looked at me, I couldn’t help but blush when he smiled at me. It was a smile that made my stomach flip with excitement, a smile that reminded me of what had happened the last time I was in his company. There was a twinkle in his eyes, and for the first time since I met him, there was a little light of happiness behind them.

“Hey,” he greeted, almost shyly.

“Hi,” I smiled back, his smile seemingly contagious.

There was a little pause, before he broke the silence.

“Coffee?”

“Sure,” I agreed, still smiling as he lead the way out.

Notes

Thanks to all the readers/subscribers/commenters. You guys are awesome!

Lyra