Stay With Me

I woke up suddenly, my eyes snapping open before I was fully aware of the fact I was awake. My eyes landed on a digital clock, with its bright red digits reading ‘11:00 PM’. After a short delay I soon remembered where I was, and who I was with. Gerard’s arm was hugging my waist, holding me close to him. His chest was snug against my back, giving me no space at all. It took a few minutes of me laying there, my mind strangely blank, and my body relaxed, before the full weight of what had happened hit me.

I’d cheated on Frank, the guy I had loved since I was nineteen, with a guy I’ve known for a few weeks. I wasn’t even sure how far my feelings for Gerard went.It was something I’d refused to let myself dwell on. Now, I had no choice but to confront them. I could feel his even, soft breath tickling my shoulder blade, his nose leaning in between my neck and shoulders. His body was so warm against mine, his arms made me feel safe, and the scent of him made my blood race. My attraction to him was undeniable, and he was the most genuine person I’d ever met. He had reached out to me; he wanted me, even after I had rejected him. He wasn’t easily scared away, he wasn’t bogged down in the details of my past. He accepted it; embraced it, even. Even more than that, he understood it, in a way that few others in this world could. We were both the product of someone else’s hateful violence and depraved sexual desires. We both bore the scars, even if only one of us bore them physically. It was painful to think that our connection stemmed from something so tragic and downright miserable, but I supposed tragedy was a stronger bond than anything else in this world. We both knew what it was like to hide a part of ourselves from the outside world, to create a mask that was glued on so strong that it never slipped, never faltered and never let the outside world know what was truly going on in your mind. At least, that was true for me until recently. I felt the mask slipping away, opening my internal struggles for everyone, namely Frank, to see. There was no reason to hide with Gerard, and that was a downright scary thing, when secrets and ignoring my past were ingrained in my psyche.It was something I had grown accustomed too, and it wasn’t the most pleasant experience to have someone rip that ability from under your feet, without warning or so much as an apology.

Did I make Gerard feel like that? Had I been able to destroy the mask he’d worn for most of his life, the one that had covered his hate, anger and self loathing for so long? Was I worthy of that claim, even? It didn’t feel like it, not when I was still so uncertain about the road that was ahead of me now. The consequences of what I’d done would be far reaching, not just affecting me, but Gerard and Frank. It was a situation where at least one of us would be hurt, broken and defeated. Yes, I wanted Gerard, but was running straight into his arms the right move for either of us? I couldn’t believe that it was. I needed time to think things through, to properly inspect my feelings before I dragged him down even further. Then again, was there much more I could do to hurt him? A cold shiver ran down my spine, suddenly fearful of what would happen when I left. Not just in respect to me and Frank, but Gerard as well. I couldn’t give him anything more than a vague promise of sorting my shit out, and how would he take that? The last time I had walked away from him, the gaunt figure he’d portrayed in the following days had torn me to shreds inside whenever I let my mind linger on it. This time would be no better. He claimed he loved me, and his words all screamed need and desperation. Was that something I could handle? My own baggage was so fucking heavy, and I had no idea if I could take on Gerard’s too. He seemed to be together on the outside, and he was certainly more adjusted than I was, but he was still a recovering alcoholic. Was he strong enough to handle my admittedly brittle mental disposition at present? If I were more stable in my own recovery, if I were further along the road and more assured that I would make it through the next while in one piece,and find the real me again, it wouldn’t even be an issue. His issues weren’t insurmountable, and maybe mine weren’t either, but could two people trying to put the broken pieces of themselves back together, two people battling their demons while trying to function in the world with all the demands it threw their way, could they really try to build a relationship on that kind of foundation? We both deserved more than going into a relationship with no forethought, and no positive assurance that we could ever be stable. When the fact that I was still in a relationship with someone else, someone I dearly loved even if he didn’t love me anymore, was taken into account, I couldn’t see any way a relationship between us would lead to anything but disaster, at least not until I let myself grieve for the love I was about to lose.

I blinked, my unfocused eyes starting to sting from their aimless staring into space, registering the time was five past eleven. I needed to get out of here and face Frank, and the inevitable shit storm that was going to happen. I knew I wasn’t going to tell him about this; there would be no need to. This wasn’t the reason my relationship was finally taking its last breath, and throwing it into Frank’s face would be nothing more than spiteful, and a distraction from the real issues at hand. My only real struggle was whether I should sneak out, without waking Gerard, taking the coward’s way out and avoiding the uncomfortable conversation that would follow, or if I should just face the music? I squirmed a little, trying to ease the uncomfortable nervous butterflies fluttering in my stomach. I held my breath, deciding to risk moving his arm off me without waking him. The minute my hand touched his arm, his arm tightened around me. I was suddenly aware that his breathing wasn’t as even as before.

“Trying to escape without saying goodbye?” his voice wasn’t bitter, but if he wasn’t so sleepy and I-just-got-fucked sounding, I’m sure he would have.

“I didn’t want to wake you,” I lied instinctively.

“Liar,” he muttered against my shoulder blade, not loosening his hold on me one bit. He planted a gentle kiss on the skin, and it made my stomach flip, something that caught me completely by surprise, and I couldn’t contain the little gasp that escaped me. I felt him smile against my skin.

“I have to go,” I whispered, as though the low volume would lessen the impact of the words.

“Don’t. Stay with me.”

The softly spoken plea was sincere, and right then I wanted nothing more than to just stay there in his arms and pretend that everything was okay. That I hadn’t just cheated on Frank, and that I was okay, and that there wasn’t a world of pain waiting for me back in my apartment when I went back. I didn’t want to face what was about to happen. If I could have stayed right there, if the world could’ve stop moving and let me enjoy the safety and affection I felt in that moment, I would have. But every moment, good and bad, has to end, and that moment was no exception to that rule.

“I have to go home sometime, and sooner will be better than later. You know that.”

He sighed dejectedly, knowing I was right.

“Are we going to talk about this first?” he asked hopefully, looking for any delay he could find.

It was my turn to sigh. I rolled onto my back, looking up at Gerard’s face. I let myself take in his handsome features for a split second; like his stunningly long, dark eyelashes, his prominent cheekbones, and his large hazel eyes, which were arrested on my face with intensity that was almost breathtaking.

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” I admitted, aware that now wasn’t the time for lies and vagueness.

“Are you going to pretend like this didn’t happen?”

“No,” the answer flowed from my lips before I fully comprehended what was going on in my head. He relaxed when he heard my answer, though, a little satisfied by my honesty, at least. Maybe he felt like it was making headway, and I supposed it was.

“So, what now then? Am I going to be your little bit on the side while you make up your mind? ”

He looked regretful when the words were spoken, afraid of hearing an answer to the question that he didn’t want to know.

“Gerard,” Suddenly his lips were on mine, preventing me from replying. It was a short kiss, though, one that left me a little breathless in its wake, but I continued on anyway.“I don’t know what’s going to happen. All I know is that I have to face Frank before I can give you any kind of answer. This wasn’t part of my plan, Gerard. None of this was.”

“I understand. Just…just promise this isn’t the last time I’m going to see you, that you’re not going to walk out of here without a backward glance, and pretend this didn’t mean anything?”

I swallowed, his words tugging at the part of my heart that didn’t want to leave him. I had never been in this situation before, where my heart was in conflict with itself. How could I be in another person’s bed, wishing I could stay in their arms, while it was also still aching for the man I’d left back in the apartment we shared. I was never a romantic, in any great sense, but the thought that I could want two people, that my heart could ache for two people, was a concept that seemed wrong. I knew this wasn’t a meaningless quick fuck; I wouldn’t have given into such a base need, unless there was something more to it. I wasn’t going to deny it to myself anymore, or to Gerard, but that didn’t fill my heart with joy, or ease the guilt I felt. In fact, it intensified it. I could justify it to myself as much as I wanted to; I could tell myself this was Frank’s fault for not being able to deal with my issues, that if he hadn’t forced me into that tiny, dull waiting room, none of this wouldn’t have happened., but the bottom line was that it didn’t matter. Everything that had happened, had happened, and it was only now that I was beginning to fully understand that I couldn’t just hide from the mess I’d created anymore. My mind felt clearer than it had in a long time; I could think more rationally somehow, as though by giving into a desire I wasn’t fully aware I had, it made things a little more obvious.

I shouldn’t have run away from Frank the way I did. I could see that now, as much as I didn’t truly regret what I’d done with Gerard. I should have stayed with Frank, and yelled things out with him if it was necessary. I shouldn’t have let my thoughts and emotions stew and fester, or allowed Frank so much time to over-think what I’d told him. That was my fault, and mine alone. I could see it clearly. I spent so much time running, from myself and my past, that it was an automatic habit. It was a cycle I had to break, beginning now. That included running from Gerard as well. Right now I had to deal with the broken fragments of my life with Frank, but I would have to come back, and face whatever the consequence of this would be. I couldn’t stop the wry smile that tugged the corners of my lips when Nina crossed my mind. Would she be happy with my epiphany? I wondered how she would take the recent events, would she keep her professional mask on, or could I shock her into revealing her real thoughts? I didn’t realise I’d let a tiny giggle out, until I saw Gerard looking at me with a look that told me he was concerned for my sanity.

“Sorry, I’m just thinking about Nina…Monday’s session is going to be interesting,” I chuckled, unable to stop the little giggle.

“Grace,” he was using his soft voice again, and it brought my attention back to the here and now, and what he had asked me.

“I can’t really promise you much, or anything, really, except that I’m not going to run from this. Just- just give me a bit of time to deal with Frank first.”

There was a flash of hurt when he heard Frank’s name, which was quickly covered up by the resigned expression on his face.

“Okay. You need time. That’s okay. As long as I know this isn’t going to be brushed under the carpet, that’s okay.”

I so badly wanted to comfort him right then, to take away the sadness that glazed his eyes. I couldn’t, though, not then. Right then, I had to get up and go back home. I wondered if it would be home for much longer. I sat up reluctantly, searching the room for my clothes. I could feel Gerard’s eyes on me while I retrieved my jeans and underwear, and I blushed when I remembered how my top and bra had been discarded in the sitting room. I scurried into the sitting room, quickly finding them on the floor. My arms were shaking so hard, it was impossible to clip the strap on my bra. I struggled, for the first time since I was a twelve year old with my first bra. I didn’t hear Gerard come in, dressed in a baggy top and boxers, but I did feel his hands brush my hands away and do the job in two seconds.

“Thanks,” I muttered, slightly embarrassed.

Suddenly his arms were on my waist and lips were grazing my shoulders softly, which was more comforting in nature than sexual. Accepting that I had to go home, and wanting to go, were two different things, and the closer I got to it, the more I shook with fear.

“Call me if you need me, okay?”

I nodded, before I stepped away from his touch and finished dressing. I gave him a small smile, unsure of what to say. He followed me to the door, biting his lip, as though he was struggling with his thoughts. He didn’t say anything, though, instead he surprised me by wrapping his arms around me and taking my lips hungrily. I didn’t have it in me to stop it, and I don’t think I wanted to stop it either. When we eventually broke apart, he pressed his forehead against mine¸ his hands clutching my hair, and his breath tickling my face. We stayed like that for a while, neither of us willing to be the first to break the moment. I bit the bullet and gently tugged his hands free from my hair, and with one last quick meeting of our lips, I walked out the door, trepidation seeping into every pore when I hailed a cab to take me home, which was frightfully quick. My heart was starting to pound harshly in my chest, so hard it was painful, and I was surprised it wasn’t bursting through my chest cavity.

My key slipped into the lock smoothly, unhindered by my nonstop shaking. I took a deep breath, trying to steady my uneven breathing, and walked inside, ready to face Frank. It was an undeniable anticlimax when I realised Frank was nowhere to be seen. The television was still on, as were all the lights, but no Frank. It stung me a little; while I hadn’t walked out to make him worry, the fact that he wasn’t concerned enough to stay and see if I would come home seemed to say it all. I could still feel Gerard on me, I could smell his aftershave lingering on my skin, so I decided to go into the shower and wash, hoping it would wash away the hurt and guilt that wanted to swallow me whole. I took my time under the piping hot water, letting it sting and burn the skin until it was red. The pain on the outside was distracting the pain on the inside. I was trapped in my own thoughts of despair, trying to figure out what I would say when Frank eventually came home. He was probably in a bar somewhere, drowning his sorrows, or perhaps celebrating the fact that he was finally about to get rid of me. I was so captivated by the different scenarios in my mind, from the blazing row where things were said in the heat of the moment and possessions got destroyed, to the quietly packing my bags and leaving while Frank watched, unwilling to stop me from walking away, that I didn’t hear the front door open, followed by Frank’s panicked shout. He must have heard the shower running, because all of a sudden I could feel a draft invade the room, making me shiver.

“Grace?”

I jumped, and almost slipped, from the fright. I turned the shower off immediately, and pulled the shower curtain back a little to reveal a dishevelled looking Frank at the door, who was pale with panic. I quickly grabbed the towel and wrapped it around myself before stepping out of the tub.

“Where were you? I was looking everywhere for you, I was so fucking worried.”

He didn’t wait for me to give him an answer before he pulled me into his arms, squeezing me tightly. I held in the tears that threatened to fall, and let his arms embrace me so tightly it was hard to breathe.

“Where were you?” he asked, his voice tight with suppressed emotion.

“I went to a friend.” I didn’t elaborate any further.

“I was so fucking worried,” he repeated, more to himself than anything else. I could feel his heart pounding in his chest, and his breathing was still a little uneven.

“Sorry,” I whispered, meaning it more than he could ever know.

“Why did you run away like that?”

He sounded so confused, so hurt, which only made my blood simmer dully with anger.

“You rejected me. You looked at me like- like I was a fucking broken toy. You don’t want me anymore, and it’s okay. I get why you don’t, it’s not your fault, really, but- ”

“Of course I fucking want you. I wasn’t rejecting you! I just wanted us to talk, instead of papering over the cracks. I didn’t want to fuck and then try to pretend nothing had happened.”

I didn’t know if I believed him, and I was too tired to have the talk I knew we needed to have. Too much had happened, and I couldn’t handle anymore right then. For one night, I wanted to feel his arms wrapped around me the way they used to.

“Can we just go to bed? I’m so fucking tired, Frank. I just want to sleep. Can we just sleep like we used to? We can talk tomorrow, but can we just go to bed now?”

“Okay. But we’re talking this out tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow,” I muttered, wrapping my arms around him and closing my eyes, wishing that 'tomorrow' would never come.

Notes

Hey guys,

Thanks to all the readers/subscribers and commenters. You guys rock.

Lyra