Stay With Me

Our walk to the coffee shop was silent. I tried to get my head together, fighting to pull my thoughts into some kind of tangible train of thought that I could express. The main problem was that I had no idea what I wanted. I knew Nina was right about taking a break from both men, as much as I hated to admit that she was right about something. It wasn’t as simple as she made it out to be, though, for one very practical reason - I lived with Frank, and I had nowhere else to go. Sure,I had friends, but none which I would want to encroach with my problems. Even besides that very valid point, I had no idea of how I would explain it to Frank. Telling him about Gerard didn’t seem like much of an option, at least not if I wanted any chance of holding onto the relationship. It would be a point of no return for Frank, as well as a slap in the face. The truth was, I had no intention of ever telling him. Wrong as that may be, I couldn’t bring myself to hurt him like that, if I could avoid it. Of course, it goes without saying that I shouldn’t have slept with Gerard in the first place, but I couldn’t change my past actions. Any explanation I gave Frank would have sounded contrived, and he would have taken it personally. He would have thought that it was his fault, that he had done something wrong, when the problem was me.

Then there was Gerard. He was quickly becoming a crutch, someone I could rely on, and I couldn’t quite decide if that was a good thing or not. I didn’t know if my feelings stemmed from gratitude, mixed in with lust and familiarity, or if there was something real there, something that could turn into more if I gave it the chance. Getting some distance from him might have helped to clear those feelings up, but yet the thought of shutting him out, of not having him there;of the possibility that I would be missing out on something that could have been amazing, stirred the easily recognisable feeling of panic in my chest.

We got our coffees and sat at a table, shrugging our coats off, while I anticipated what way our conversation would go. It was hard to tell what Gerard was thinking, what he felt about our current situation now that he had a bit of time to think about what we had done. I wondered if he still thought I was worth it, if he was still willing to put himself out there for someone who couldn’t seem to make up her mind. The guilt I felt over my behaviour hadn’t lessened. In fact, acknowledging that I had feelings for him only served to increase it. I cared about him, and he definitely deserved better. He deserved more than me, a person who was definitely taking more than I was giving in our relationship. I didn’t want to hurt him. Whenever I was with him, part of me wished I could let go of Frank, and just be with him. I wanted to be what he deserved, I wanted to make him happy, and be there for him as much as he was there for me.

“So…” Gerard started awkwardly, with an adorable shy smile on his face. God, I felt like an awkward teenager, and it appeared Gerard felt the same.

The situation just felt so absurd. I was a grown woman, who should be able to face a guy I had consensual sex with, but I certainly didn’t feel like it. The giggle couldn’t be helped, which must have been infectious,since Gerard joined in. I’m certain it was a strange sight for others to see, watching two people giggling like a couple of school girls. It died away, though, and a tightly coiled tension took its place.

“I was worried about you.”

I couldn’t meet his gaze, guilt again clawing at my insides. Maybe I should have texted him, let him know that I was okay, but how on earth would I have worded a text? What way could I have told him that I hadn’t told my boyfriend that I’d cheated on him, and I still hadn’t decided what I was going to do. It was an awkward conversation to have, and one that deserved to be done face to face.

“Sorry,” I muttered shamefully.

I could feel his gaze on me, probably trying to read my body language to gain some insight into my current thought process. I took a sip of my scalding coffee, wincing when the boiling liquid hit my tongue with a biting sting.

“You’re not leaving him.”

The lack of emotion behind the statement was more upsetting than if he’d roared at me in anger. I risked a glance at his face, and it certainly didn’t help me feel any better. To a passerby, it was deceptively unreadable. It appeared emotionless, or perhaps somewhat apathetic. I knew better, though. I could see the raw hurt behind his eyes, a lost glaze clouding his hazel eyes.

“I…I haven’t decided anything.”

“Did you have a nice little reunion when you went home? Leave out the part where you fucked someone else? Did you screw him too when you got home?”

“Stop it!” I snapped, hating just how nasty his tone was. It was vicious, and it didn’t suit him one bit. His eyes were wide with barely contained anger. I supposed I shouldn’t have expected anything else from him, but it still hurt to see him so hurt. I bit my lip, determined not to let his lashing out get to me. He took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair in agitation.

“Sorry,” he spoke, not sounding sorry at all.

“We talked things out yesterday. Things aren’t as…final, as I thought.”

“So, what happened between us is just null and voided, huh?”

“No,” the word came out of my mouth with a little cry.

“Then what, Grace?”

“Nina…Nina thinks I should take a break. From both of you. She thinks I need some space to sort my feelings out.”

Gerard slunk back in his chair, visibly relaxed a little.

“And what do you think?” he asked, bringing his cup to his lips.

“Taking a break isn’t…it’s not really an option. I don’t have anywhere else to go, and…”

“And what?”

“I still love him, Gerard. Even if we’re going through some stuff, that doesn’t mean my feelings for him have disappeared. We have history, and that means something. Then there’s you. There’s something between us, and I’m not going to lie and say that I don’t feel something for you, because I do. What happened between us, it meant something. I don’t know what this is, or what it could lead to. Maybe it could be amazing, but…it’s not as simple as leaving Frank and riding off into the sunset. Discarding the fact that I love Frank, there’s a real chance that we won’t work. Even you have to see that?”

“Anything can work, if you try hard enough,” he countered.

“Maybe, but you have to see that this isn’t easy for me.”

“Oh, and it’s just a bucketful of fun for me. You think I want to be in love with someone who’s in a relationship with someone else? You think it’s easy for me, seeing you cling onto a failing relationship, because you’re too scared to let go, when I know I could make you happier? You’re afraid to take the risk, because deep down, you don’t think I’m worth it.”

“This has nothing to do with your worth, Gerard.Don’t you dare try to bring it down to that! This is to do with me trying to figure out what the right thing to do is. Maybe from your side of things, it’s an easy solution to just break it off with Frank, and disregard our past. You see the bad parts, but I know the good parts. He still loves me, and we have far more good memories than bad…I don’t want to make a decision I'll regret, and right now is not the best time for me to make any major decisions.”

“So what am I supposed to do? Sit around while you make up your mind?” Gerard scoffed.

“What you decide is up to you, Gerard. I don’t expect you to wait around, and if you want to walk away and cut off contact, then that’s your prerogative, and I respect that. I can’t ask anything of you, and I won’t.”

“God, you’re unbelievable. You think you can just say that, and it makes it okay. I can’t just switch off my feelings, and we both know that the minute you come calling, I’ll be there, because I can’t help myself.”

“Then don’t answer the phone,” I snapped, frustrated. “Take some goddamn responsibility for your own actions. You told me how you feel, when you knew I was in a relationship. You kissed me. You came on to me. Shit, you act like a victim, but you knew exactly what the situation was. It was wrong of me to call over to you, but you could have closed the door in my face, and you certainly didn’t have to kiss me. I’m not going to feel guilty, because you can’t control yourself. You are not putting that on me.”

My words were met with silence, and I didn’t even feel bad for saying them. I was tired of feeling bad about myself, and I was sick of feeling guilty. Gerard’s face was hard as stone, and I knew he was seething that I was right about everything. I wasn’t a bad person in this. I may have taken advantage of him, but damn it!He allowed me to do it. I wasn’t a villain in this, and part of the fault lay with him.

“Fuck, I wish I didn’t want you,” Gerard choked out, his hand gripping his cup so hard that I was certain he was going to break it.

“The feeling is mutual, believe me!”

I wanted to get up and leave, end it right there before I felt even worse about myself. Gerard was supposed to make me feel better about myself, not cut my character to shreds. Yes, I was selfish, but so was he. He could have left me alone. He wanted me, even though he knew I wasn’t available and he made the first move.

“I should go. This conversation isn’t going to get us anywhere.” I sighed.

“Don’t!” he grabbed my hand, his eyes boring into mine pleadingly. What he was asking for, I don’t know.

“We’re only going to go around in circles. You want me to do something that I just can’t do, and something I’m not sure I want to, or will do. I need time to figure it out.”

“Okay, then we won’t talk about it.”

I watched him with a weary gaze, wishing things were different. I wanted to be the bigger person and walk out of there, and just leave it at that. I couldn’t, though. He was looking at me, holding my hand with his delightfully rough hands, and I couldn’t help but remember when those hands had explored every inch of my body, as had his amazing lips. I shivered at the memory, awareness of how close we were running through my heated skin. It didn’t help that he was staring at me with lustful hunger, and all I wanted right then was to forget everything we had just talked about and screw him senseless. The electricity was palpable between us, and I knew he was thinking exactly what I was thinking.

“Do you wanna go back to mine?”

I nodded before I fully comprehended what I was doing. All I knew was that I wanted him. We abandoned our drinks, which were cold by then anyway, and we made what was becoming a familiar trek to his apartment. The second the door closed behind me, his lips were on mine, and I was relieved of my coat his hands were roaming over my clothed breasts. My hands went straight to his belt buckle, clasping the metal before working on his zipper. His hands found their way into my panties, stroking my clit with a soft caress and forcing a moan from my throat. His fingers hooked around my panties and pulled them down in one fluid motion, while I pulled his erection free from his jeans. He hitched my dress up around my hips and grabbed the back of my thighs, lifting me up so I could wrap my legs around his hips. He entered me in one, long, achingly slow thrust. I could feel every inch of him, and it clouded the rest of my senses as he began a slow, steady pace. It was pure heaven, being so close to him, being so connected with him, and just surrounded by him. He was all I could smell, all I could feel, and his breathless moans were the only sound I registered. His lips nipped at my earlobe, instantly causing me to tighten around him with a moan so loud that next door certainly would have heard it. Nothing else mattered during those blissful, pleasure-filled, unadulterated lustful minutes. When I reached my peak, I came hard, clutching and scraping at his back and screaming his name.

I didn’t think about Frank once during those minutes.

Notes

Hey guys,

As always, thanks go out to the readers/commenters/subscribers, and I hope you enjoyed the chapter.

Lyra