Stay With Me

My feet must have had a mind of their own, because my brain certainly wasn’t paying attention to where I was going. I wasn’t in my right frame of mind, and I knew it, even then. It was one thing when you anticipated the worst, waiting for it to unfold and unravel in front of your eyes, with fearful adrenaline that makes your heart race and skin moist with cold sweat. A lot of people believed waiting for the inevitable is the torturous part, when you’re anxiously standing on the precipice of disaster or danger, and in no position to do anything about it. Those people were idiots. Right then, I would have done anything to go back to half an hour previously, when I was still uncertain about the future of my relationship, and how my revelation had changed Frank, and his perception of me. Now I knew, and it was a crushing weight on my chest that wouldn’t ease no matter how long or far I walked. It was difficult to focus on anything, when everything that mattered didn’t seem important anymore. If Frank didn’t want me anymore, I had nothing. There was no point in surviving Nick’s abuse if I had nothing to hold onto. If Frank couldn’t look past it, nobody else would.

That’s a lie.

Gerard had. Gerard knew the dirty secret before Frank had, and yet he still wanted me, in spite of it. Why couldn’t Frank do that? Why couldn’t Frank realise that the abuse didn’t make me a different person from who I was before he knew the truth. He had verified my fears, when he should have smashed them to pieces, and reassured me that I had done the right thing by telling him. I may as well have told him about Gerard; at least then the relationship would have ended because of something I had control over. Any confidence I had in myself had vanished the second Frank pushed me away, and I doubted it could ever return. How could I ever live a normal life, with complete honesty, when honesty took away any normalcy I may achieve?

I wandered around aimlessly, needing to keep moving, even if my legs were aching and my feet were throbbing from the constant motion. It wasn’t until I saw the sun was beginning to set that I looked at my surroundings. The area was familiar, but I couldn’t place it at first. The buildings looked old and barely cared for, one or two were dilapidated and in need of knocking down. It was with a sharp intake of breath that it clicked in my mind that this was where Gerard had taken me. I recognised the building he lived in now that I was aware of where I was. I started to wonder if there was a reason that I found myself here. Was it fate gently nudging me, or nothing more than my subconscious want making itself known? I bit my lip, debating the options in front of me. I could have turned around and acted like I was never here. Gerard would have been none the wiser, and it would have avoided any uncomfortable interactions. Two, I could have gone to see if he was home, and maybe salvaged some part of our friendship, I so desperately needed right then. I was being selfish, and needy, and all the things I hated about myself, but I just needed some kind of comfort and reassurance that everything would be okay. That was what drove me to walk up to Gerard’s building and press his buzzer. I waited, my body tense and filled with knots that grew tighter every second. I stood there for a minute, then two minutes, before I accepted that he wasn’t home. Maybe it was fate’s way of telling me to leave him alone, to forget about him, and let him move on. I took a step back when the voice I recognised so well made me jump.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s Grace. Can I come up?”

Again, I waited. Only for a few seconds, but it felt so much longer than that when I was standing there, feeling like an idiot and questioning whether I was doing the right thing. I was certain that he was going to tell me to go away, when the door clicked, allowing me to enter the building. I was too hurt and angry with Frank to really think about what I was doing. Gerard decided to let me up, so I assumed he was willing to talk. Of course, he could have been inviting me up to vent his anger and frustration again. Even though my heart was palpitating in my chest, and my breathing was a little erratic, I climbed the stairs and found his apartment. I hesitated a second before knocking on the door, my hand shaking like a leaf. This was probably a bad idea. Scratch that, it was a bad idea. This was such a stupid move on my part, but I was there, so there was no point in running away.

The door opened, revealing a paint-covered Gerard. He looked a lot better than the last day I’d seen him. His eyes were still a little tired looking, but the haunted look that had plagued my memories was gone. It eased my guilt somewhat, but the blank expression didn’t take away the doubt that I felt that this was a smart move. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking during those first few seconds I stood there, but then I saw concern flicker fleetingly across his face. He hid it quickly, though; if I hadn’t been watching so intently, I would have missed it.

“Why are you here?” his voice wasn’t hostile, but it wasn’t too far off from it either.

“I dunno…”I answered truthfully, because I honestly didn’t know why I was there. I had no idea what to expect, but comfort was certainly not it. Maybe I just wanted to know that he didn’t hate me. He sighed, running a hand through his hair.

“You may as well come in,” he stated, stepping aside and letting me step over the threshold. I walked down the hallway and entered the sitting room. The smell of paint hit me immediately; it was overwhelming and a little dizzying. There was a canvas sitting on an easel, still wet from Gerard’s efforts. I didn’t get the chance to inspect it properly before Gerard came into the room and distracted me.

“Would you like some coffee?” He asked, his voice a little tight.

“Sure,” I respond.

“Take a seat. I just made some.”

I did as he asked, and took a seat on his couch. I couldn’t help but remember what happened the last time I’d been there, on his couch. I remembered how his body had felt on top of mine, how his lips had felt when they caressed my neck. I remembered his fingers grazing my skin as they wondered under my top and made their way down my torso. I shouldn’t have been thinking about that right then. It wasn’t going to help anything, and the last thing that I needed was to let my sexual frustration make itself known. I started biting my lip again, wishing the thoughts would just melt away. Then again, maybe it was better to think about that, than about Frank, right at that moment. It was better than the agonising pain that had settled in my chest.

“Here you go.” Gerard handed me the cup and sat next to me. I noticed how he wasn’t sitting as close as before. He was keeping his distance, which I was thankful for. I didn’t need physical comfort or closeness right then, at least not from Gerard. It would have just made it harder to push the memories away. I took a sip from the cup, hoping the scalding liquid would bring me back to the here and now.

“So, are you going to tell me what happened?”

Gerard’s dulcet tone broke the silence. I wondered whether I should tell him what had happened with Frank, or if it would have been selfish of me to unload it on him. Part of me argued that being there at all was selfish, so what was one more selfish act? I quickly ruled it out, though. It was a step too far, and it was the last thing I should have been talking about. I realised then that I just wanted a distraction. Distraction was what I needed. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to spill my guts again.It never seemed to do any good, anyway. It only led to consequences that I didn’t like, and I was so sick of consequences, bad decision making, telling the truth and hiding. I didn’t want to do any of that right then.

“Nothing,” I wished my voice had been more convincing.

“If you don’t want to talk, fine, just don’t lie.”

“Fine, I don’t want to talk about it. I know it’s really selfish of me to ask this of you, but I just need a distraction, and I think you’re the only person who can understand that. Right now, you’re the only person I want to be around.”

“You’re right, it is selfish.”

I thought he was going to ask me to leave, but he didn’t. He stood up and walked over to his DVD cabinet, and pulled out a random DVD. He switched on his TV and DVD player, and put the disc in. I couldn’t stop the smile the formed on my lips when I saw what it was that he had chosen.

“Fucking. A,” I grinned.

“Nothing beats Ghostbusters two.” Gerard returned the smile, sitting down on the couch again. He leaned back, remote in his hand, and set the movie up. I copied him, and leaned back, letting my body relax, and losing myself in the movie. I wasn’t as easy as I had hoped; I found myself wondering where Frank was, if he was looking for me. I thought about how close Gerard was, and how good he smelled, and how good a person he was for letting me in, when he had every right to turn me away. I didn’t deserve to have someone like him in my life. He was far too good a person, and he was an idiot if he didn’t see that he could do so much better than me. I didn’t deserve Frank either. I was as worthless and weak as I was as a teenager. I didn’t realise that I’d been crying until the movie was suddenly paused, and a pair of warm arms wrapped around me out of nowhere, pulling against a warm body. I couldn’t hold it in then. I broke down, yet again. It felt like it was all I did those days.

“Grace, whatever it is, it’s gonna be okay.” Gerard tried to comfort me, but it was a useless effort. Anything along the lines of ‘It’s okay/it will be alright/things will work themselves out’ was all one big lie.

“No, it won’t. Not this time,” I sobbed.

“I’m sure that’s not true-”

“No, it is. I told Frank about Nick, and now he doesn’t love me anymore. Not like he used to. He knows the truth, and now I’m just a victim to him. He’s staying because he's afraid of what I might do when he leaves.”

Gerard tightened his hold on me, so tight it was almost painful. He didn’t rush to tell me that I was wrong, or that it was going to be okay. He empathised, and that was all I needed.

“I’m sorry, Grace.”

“It’s not your fault. It’s mine. I lied to him all these years, because I knew I would lose him once he found out. I shouldn’t have expected anything different. It’s my fault for having the little bit of hope that things wouldn’t change.”

“It’s not your fault, Grace, and if he really loves you, he shouldn’t make you feel like you did something wrong. Okay, maybe you should have told him, but any other issues he has are his problem, not yours. If he can’t deal with it, it’s his loss for not realising what an amazing person you are to get through all that, and still be here to tell the tale.”

“It doesn’t feel like it. Sometimes I fucking wonder if it’s worth it anymore. It’d be so much easier to give up, and just fade into nothingness. I’ll never be able to hold onto anything. I’ve got nothing left to stay here for. I’m too broken to be put back together.”

Suddenly Gerard’s arms were gone, and his hands cupped my cheeks, forcing me to look at him. There were so many emotions in the look he gave me- anger; fear; desperation; and something else I didn’t want to acknowledge.

“Don’t you ever say that again, you hear me? If Frank is stupid enough to let you go, then he doesn’t deserve your tears. You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met, and you’ve gone through too much to give up now. You’re not broken; you’re not a thing to be fixed. You just need to realise that, and realise that there’s more to life than what you’ve set out for yourself. You’ve put yourself into this little box, where you could hide who you are from the world, so that you didn’t have to face all the things in the past that tried to pull you down. But you don’t need to hide, Grace. I see who you are, and the potential you have. You just have to start believing in yourself, and believe that you’re worth something.”

I couldn’t form any words in response. I swallowed, overwhelmed by the conviction in his words. There was a time when Frank used to make me feel like I was worth something, like Gerard was making me feel right then. His eyes were gazing into mine, holding the stare, and refusing to let me look away. I let out a shaky breath, wanting to believe everything that he had said. I wanted to believe that I was still worth something, that my existence wasn’t a waste. Maybe that was why I didn’t stop him when he suddenly pressed his lips gently against mine. It was a cautious kiss, one that was ready for rejection, but hoping for more. I didn’t give it a second thought when I responded, eagerly returning the kiss, and clutching the front of his raggy top with my fists. The kiss stayed gentle like that for a while, soft and undemanding, but inevitably it turned more passionate, with clashing teeth, a lot of tongue and breathlessness from its intensity. Gerard’s hands moved from my face to my waist, and suddenly I was on his lap, straddling him. The kiss broke, due to the need of oxygen, and the only sound that filled the apartment was our heavy breathing.

“Is this what you want?” Gerard asked, lust clouding his eyes, and in that moment I didn’t want to say no. I couldn’t say no.

“It’s what I want.”

The words broke the dam of his self-restraint. My top was all but ripped off me, followed swiftly by my bra. His mouth was on my breast, drawing a wanton moan from my mouth. My hips were grinding down on his lap, and I could feel his hard on straining against his jeans. My hands were gripping his shoulders; nails digging into his skin so hard that I was certain I left marks on him. He didn’t seem to mind, though.In fact, it seemed to drive him on. Suddenly I wanted more skin on skin contact, so I gripped the hem of his top and pulled it off him, throwing it on the floor with my discarded clothes.

“Bedroom,” Gerard groaned, his hands finally letting go of my hips and pushing me to stand up. His lips were on mine again, though, and his hands gripped the back of my thighs and lifted me up, so I could wrap my legs around his waist. He carried me to the bedroom, although I had no idea how he managed it when his lips never left mine until he placed me on his bed. He didn’t waste any more time after that. His fingers were pulling down the zipper on my jeans, and they were gone in seconds, along with my panties. I was panting by this stage, and I was more than ready for him. That didn’t stop him from kissing his way from my ankles to the apex of my thighs. I was whining and pulling on his hair, afraid that I would combust if he didn’t stop teasing me.

“Gerard, please,” I pleaded, just before I felt his tongue on me, running from my slit to my clit. I almost lost it then, my entire body was on fire, and I couldn’t take anymore.

“Gerard,” I whined, and he seemed to understand what I was trying to say. I watched him get rid of his jeans and boxer shorts, before he rummaged through the drawer of his bedside locker for a condom. His hands were shaking as he rolled it on, so much so that I was surprised he actually managed it on the first go. Then he climbed on top of me, his breathing just as erratic as mine. His eyes searched mine, silently asking if I was sure that I wanted this. I smiled, certain that I’d never want anything more than I wanted him right then. He pushed into me with one, slow thrust, and I didn’t even try to hold in the moan that came out of me. His lips found mine again, giving me a quick kiss, before he started a steady rhythm. All my worries, all my fears and anxiety melted away; the only thing I could process was how he felt inside me, how his scent invaded every part of me, and how warm and soft his bare skin was against mine. His head was buried against my neck, and every one in a while he would kiss and nip at the skin, which made the pit of my stomach clench even tighter. It wasn’t too long before I released around him, screaming his name breathlessly. He didn’t last much longer after I came, groaning my name and collapsing on top of me. I barely remembered him rolling off me, his chest heaving, as he tried to catch his breath. All I remembered was him wrapping his arms around me, my back to his chest, as my eyes closed, and I fell into a peaceful sleep for the first time in weeks.

Notes

So...who saw that coming? *giggles*

Are we all happy with the sexy times?

Lyra