Stay With Me

I heard Frank’s key slide into the keyhole and the melodic clanging of metal against metal that signalled his return. I should have been happy to see him again. I should have been off the couch the very second I heard the familiar sound of the door opening. It should have been a happy reunion after spending a couple of days apart to sort our heads out and try to fix the damage I caused to our relationship. As he walked in the door I should have been pouncing on him with delirious excitement and pent up sexual frustration. I probably should have been dressed in something sexy, like a short dress or a mini skirt that barely covers the scandalous lingerie underneath. Right now, I should have been aching for him to fuck me against the door as an “I missed you so much/ I’m glad you’re home/ I’m so sorry for being such a fuck up” present. But that was not the case.

The reality is that I was glued to the couch, dressed in the pyjama’s I’d worn since I came home drenched from the rain. I hadn’t moved from said couch since I’d showered, dressed and planted myself on the piece of furniture. The television was on, with its bright screen and slightly too loud sound but I wasn’t paying attention to anything it had shown. I haven’t slept all night, and it had taken everything in my power not to take some action to block out the anger and self hate that swam in my veins. I thought about buying some alcohol to drown out the guilt and shame but I knew there weren’t enough bottles of vodka in the world that would help me forget. I even briefly considered picking up the razor again, until I remembered that Frank had thrown all of them out and all I had was hair removal cream to keep myself hair free. Anyway, the last time I resorted to using it as a coping measure it had caused more problems than it solved. In the end, I decided that I deserved everything I was feeling; I didn’t deserve a reprieve from the pain. I should suffer for my sins. I had done the one thing I never thought I would ever be capable of, and it was hard for me to process. I had always been a loyal person and now I had to explain to the person I loved most in the world that I had done the unthinkable. I didn’t even know how I could begin that conversation. I had caused him so much pain and anguish already, and now I was going to put the final nail in the coffin that had become our relationship. The thought that I was about lose Frank was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. I would go through every night with Nick again just so that I wouldn’t have to feel what I’m feeling right now. I knew he wouldn’t forgive me. Frank had seen his own parents go through a messy divorce due to infidelity, resulting in a difficult childhood for him as he went from house to house every few days and dealt with two parents who couldn’t stand to look at each other or be in the same room without snide comments being thrown around. It had scarred him emotionally and the effects could be seen to this day. Frank had never quite forgiven his father for his mistake even though they have a close relationship. I knew that Frank would let go of almost anything, but not this. It would break his heart, and his trust in me. Frank was a crutch for me and I honestly wasn’t sure if I could survive without him.

“Hey baby” he greeted me, a smile plastered on his face as he threw his bag down on the ground upon his entrance into the sitting room. His skin was slightly paler than usual and I could see his eyes were red rimmed and bloodshot from his trip. His clothes were a little worse for wear and his dark hair was messed up from all the travelling. His smile faded quickly as his intuition kicked in and registered the sight in front of him. He knew as well as I did what my reaction should have been to his arrival. His large eyes blinked as he surveyed the scene, his brow furrowed in confusion as he tried to make some sense of it. He was thinking about how he should approach the situation, and what words he should use to avoid triggering another breakdown. I could tell he was still a little under the influence of drink, and possibly something else, and his brain was working a little overtime to try and figure it all out. He had no idea what I was about to tell him. That was a scenario that didn’t even enter his mind. He trusted me and had absolute faith in me and my fidelity to him. In all our time together he had never had any reason to doubt me or my love for him. It was killing me inside to know that I was about to rip that trust apart with a few words. A few minutes of weakness and stupidity were about to take away the best thing that had ever happened to me and I knew that I would never ever forgive myself for it. I couldn’t even think about Gerard without wanting to tear my skin off. I wasn’t even angry at him; the blame for this was solely on me. I couldn’t think about him because I would only feel more guilt over how I had left him. Frank was my concern right now and how I was going to break it to him. The pain in my chest was getting sharper with every passing second and I knew that if I waited any longer it would burst out of me.

“Grace, what’s wrong? What happened?”

He stepped closer to me, his face etched with concern and I snapped. The tears that I’d been suppressing since yesterday couldn’t be contained anymore, and I started sobbing with every ounce of pain and suffering in me. Frank was sitting beside me within seconds, wrapping his strong arms around me for what would probably be for the last time. The thought made me cry harder, and my hands reached out to clutch his t shirt in distress.

“Sush, baby it’s okay. Whatever it is, it’s gonna be okay. I’m here now.”

The words were spewing from his lips with a loving caress but it didn’t do anything to calm me down. Instead it only caused me more pain as he tried to soothe me, when I knew I didn’t deserve his warm embrace or his calming words. After ten minutes of trying to talk to me he realised that his words weren’t helping so he just held me and let me sob it out. I held onto him with the tightest hold I could muster, knowing that this was going to be the last time.

‘Only if you tell him.’

The thought hit me suddenly. It hadn’t even crossed my mind that I couldn’t tell him what had occurred. My past was one thing to hide but otherwise I had been open and honest for the most part (if I excluded my friendship with Gerard). I had kept Nick’s abuse a secret because I didn’t want his view of me to change if he managed to see past Nick’s façade and believe me. It was in the past and it couldn’t be changed whether he believed me or not. Nick would never be punished for what he did, and I had no desire to drag my mother and stepfather into a situation they couldn’t fix even if they could believe that Nick was a monster underneath his expensive clothes and good looks. Nothing good or positive could come out of the revelation. Much like the situation I was in now. Would be it be wrong to keep one more secret? My head started spinning as I considered whether it was morally acceptable to not tell him. I had no intention of betraying him again. I would be destroying what we had over one stupid, silly, thoughtless mistake. Both our lives would essentially be destroyed because of my actions. In a strange sort of twisted way, telling him was immoral and cruel. I would be throwing everything we had together back in his face. I would only be telling him to relieve myself of the guilt that overwhelmed me; it was a selfish act when I looked at it from another point of view. I would hurt him just so I could tell myself that I was an honest person. I didn’t even realise I had stopped crying as I battled with my conscience over what was right. Surely, in the years to come, it would fade into a blurry memory and what had happened with Gerard wouldn’t even matter anymore.

“Baby?”

Frank’s low voice reminded me that he was here. I had to make a choice, here and now, on whether I should tell him or not. I couldn’t breathe while I weighed the decision. Honesty would lead to both of us being miserable and unhappy. The lie would leave me with the weight of the betrayal on my shoulders alone. Frank would be blissfully unaware of what I had done. He would be happier if I kept it to myself.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what that was about” I lied, curling my face into his chest in the hope that he wouldn’t see through the lie.

I was met with silence but I felt the muscles in his arms tense.

“Are you sure?”

“It was just a bad day. I was missing you and I just…got overwhelmed. I’m okay.”

He let out a long suffering sigh. I panicked, suddenly afraid of an argument breaking out. I pulled his face to mine, kissing him with urgency in the hope that I could distract him. It worked, and within minutes we were on the bed, with Frank on top of me. His mouth never left mine while he was in me but his kisses were rough, just like his short, frantic thrusts. It was far from unpleasant but I could feel the undercurrent of anger in his movements and it worried me. It was over far too quickly and the tension was still thick in the air as we lay beside each other, trying to steady our breathing. I waited for Frank to cuddle me like he normally did, but with a sinking heart I realised he was lost within his own thoughts.

“We can’t go on like this Grace.”

The words had an instantaneous effect on me. My heart stopped beating and all the air I’d struggled to regain left my lungs.

“I want to help you, but I can’t when you keep on lying to me” he continued, either unaware or uncaring at the pain the words caused me.

“I’m not lying” I pleaded pathetically, and even I wouldn’t have believed me.

Frank sat up, towering over my still lying form. His eyes were blazing with intensity and I knew I was in trouble. I had pushed him to a breaking point and I wasn’t sure if I could fix it.

“You tried to kill yourself Grace. One day everything is fine and the next, I find you in the bathroom in a pool of blood. I try to talk to you about it but all I get is a brick wall and resistance. I hoped that getting you to talk to somebody else would help but I just feel like you’re pulling away from me more and more every day. You don’t come home after your appointment with Manning and whenever I ask where you’ve been you won’t answer me. You’re on your phone all the time texting god knows who and you barely speak two words to me anymore. I had to stop myself from checking your phone just so I could get some insight into what the hell is going on with you. I’m trying to deal with this but I can’t when you don’t give me anything to work off. How much longer am I expected to sit on the sidelines while you drift away from me, huh? What is it you want from me?”

“Frank, I’m sorry, okay? I’m just dealing with some stuff right now-”

“That’s what I’m talking about right there. What is it you’re dealing with? What the hell is so terrible that you can’t confide in me? We’re supposed to be in this together but now I feel like it’s you versus me.”

The tears welled up in my eyes when I looked at his face. I didn’t realise until then that he was hurting just as badly as I was. He thought I didn’t trust him. The worst part was that he was right. I didn’t trust that he would believe me, or that he would stay with me after I told him the horrible truth about who I really was. I was tired of the lies just like he was. I had held it back for so long, and I realised now that I was going to lose him if I didn’t tell him what happened with Nick. I was in a lose-lose situation, and there was no perfect outcome or scenario no matter what I did. If I denied that anything was wrong any longer, he would walk out the door. If I told him about Gerard, he would walk. If I told him about Nick…maybe, just maybe, he would believe me. Maybe it wouldn’t change things. That was all I had now. Maybes, hard choices and guilt. I swallowed the lump in my throat and shut my eyes tightly. I couldn’t speak the words while looking at him. My tongue felt dry, trying to prevent me from saying the words I never wanted to say to Frank. I had spent the last few years avoiding this and now that it had come I found it impossible to speak. My heart was palpitating with fear and I was vaguely aware of that my entire body was shivering. Nothing about this was fair right now. I only had myself to blame though, and that was the hardest part to swallow. This moment had been brought about because of my own weakness and cowardice. I had failed to fight Nick as a child. I had failed to fight him as an adult. I had let the failure consume me and I reacted accordingly. Now I had to deal with the consequences of having Nick get the best of me once again.

“Nick used to abuse me when I was younger.”

The words hurt my throat. It was as though they were laced with poison, designed to hurt and infect. Frank stilled, his face dangerously neutral as he took in my words.

“What kind of abuse?”

“Almost every kind you can think of…emotional, sometimes it was physical. Mostly it was sexual. Every night he’d come into my room and do whatever it was his twisted mind could come up with.”

“How long did it last for?”

I didn’t want to go into any more details but I had opened the gates for questions. There was no point in avoiding it now. His curiosity was natural, and though I wanted to scream that the details didn’t matter, I knew they did. Not to me, but to him. He needed answers.

“It started when I was twelve and it lasted until he went to college. I never told anyone about it. He told me nobody would believe me, and he was right. He was this perfect golden child, and I was the poor, screwed up child who had issues because her dad had topped himself rather than deal with his problems like a man.”

“Grace, I-”

“For years I was okay. I met you and everything was okay” I continued, desperate to get it all out now. “Then the night of my mother’s party…he followed me when I went to the bathroom. He…he tried to hurt me again. I felt so fucking weak, like I was twelve years old all over again. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to admit what had happened. That night changed something in me. I feel like he finally broke me. He finally won and now I’m going to lose you.”

I felt Frank’s hands pulling me up and into his lap, where he held onto me tightly without saying a word. He was quiet and though his actions seemed comforting and reassuring, I knew they weren’t. His embrace seemed detached, and his silence told me all I needed to know. I was going to lose him now. Or worse, he would feel compelled to stay with me.

“I’m sorry” his voice was choked with emotion when he finally spoke. “I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you. If I’d known…fuck, I shook that fucker’s hand and talked to him about football and all this time…I’m so fucking sorry.”

I felt tears land on my cheek that weren’t my own. My own barely contained sobs broke free as we clung to each other, and in that moment I knew things would never be the same between us ever again.

Notes

Hey Guys,

So I hoped you enjoyed the chapter. How do you think Frank will handle Grace's revelation? Was Grace right to not tell Frank about what happened with Gerard? Feedback and opinions are always welcomed!

Lyra

P.S, a big shout out to pixiewayro for taking on the role of beta for my stuff for now. Hopefully from here on in you'll see less stupid mistakes due to careless/impatient typing!