Stay With Me

“Grace?”

Nina looked at me, clearly concerned at my obviously distressed state. She was leaning forward in her seat, as though by closing the physical distance between us she could somehow reach me. I’ve been here for about five minutes, but all my answers were short and to the point. My problem was that I wanted to talk about what had happened about as much as I didn’t want to talk about it. Everything was going wrong in my life and I didn’t know what I was clinging onto anymore. Nina looked at me, her eyes wide and earnest, begging me to open up and explain the events that caused my sleepless night. My problem wasn’t with the likely possibility that Nina would judge me for what had happened with Gerard, and not telling Frank about it. I mean, of course it’s a little part of why I’ve been hunched on the familiar couch, nobody likes admitting that they did something so utterly horrible, disgraceful and socially unacceptable. The real problem was saying the words out loud. If they were spoken, it was real. The words would be an admission of guilt, an acknowledgment that I had betrayed Frank in the worst way possible in a moment of pure abandonment, and hurt Gerard in the process.

I had seen Gerard come in just as I was entering Nina’s office, and the sight made my stomach drop and my eyes water with sickening shame. He hadn’t shaved, and his clothes were a mess. His hair probably hadn’t seen a brush in the day and a bit since I’d walked out of his apartment without a backward glance, another thing that I couldn’t help but hate myself over. His eyes were bloodshot red and raw, to the point where I was surprised he could open them at all. I obviously wasn’t the only person who hadn’t slept in the hours since the incident. When his eyes locked on mine for the brief seconds I saw him, the hot pain and anger were visible in the normally kind and relaxed hazel orbs. They were accusatory, blaming me for the anguish he felt, whether it was justified or not. I had to accept that I was the bad person in this situation; I was the unintentional villain in the story and I had no idea if I could fix it, or even if I should try. Maybe Gerard would pick himself up quicker if I continued to stay away from him and leave him in peace. I really needed to believe that. Guilt never rested easy on my shoulders and now I had more than I could handle in a lifetime. Frank was still in shock from the news I had dropped on his lap without warning the previous night. It wasn’t surprising that he hadn’t slept the night before either. He had wrapped his arms around me all night and held me close to his chest,but his mind hadn’t been there. I had tried to talk to him, to get some sort of reaction from him, but I couldn’t reach him in the daze he had let himself get lost in while he processed the new reality of who I was. I didn’t know how he felt about it all. All I knew for certain was that my fear would come to pass; already something had changed between us. I couldn’t explain it, but I just felt it in the air between us, it was thick, heavy and it was going to smother us until all the air and fight was taken from our lungs. Frank had no idea how he should react, but when he eventually figured it out there was no way things would go back to the way they were before I started this chain of events that led us to where we were now. I could feel the distance between us stretching even further every slow, aching second, and I feared one day I would wake up to find he wasn’t there at all. The panic was making my heart race, and I had no idea how I managed to get through work without any fuck ups. My head wasn’t in it, because my heart felt like it was being ripped out of my chest, leaving me to bleed out dry with no one to help me.

“Grace, you’re obviously upset about something. I’m here so you can talk about these things.” Nina sighed, frustrated with me. I couldn’t blame her. It was only a matter of time before she got sick of me too.

“I nearly slept with Gerard, who told me that he loved me, and instead of telling Frank about it, I told him about Nick. Everything is a mess and I don’t know what to do.”

I have to admit, I felt a certain amount of shameful pride at managing to stun Nina into temporary speechlessness. Her jaw visibly dropped with a comic effect and it took a few seconds before she gathered her bearings and responded in a professional manner.

“How about we start at the beginning… What happened with Gerard?”

“We spent time together on Saturday, just hanging out, you know? We went to the park, and he gave me a camera, because I told him how I used to take photos as a child with my dad’s camera. He told me that he wanted me to find something I could be passionate about, and he meant it. He said he wanted to teach me. Afterwards, I went to his apartment, we watched a movie, and I don’t know. I was just so frustrated with Frank! He’s been so distant lately, and it’s been weeks since he touched me, and he got me worked up before he left and it just…Gerard kissed me and it felt good to actually feel wanted. He didn’t look at me like I was broken, and he didn’t touch me like I was fucking fragile or something. It just happened and I know it shouldn’t have happened but it did. I stopped it before it got too far, then he told me that he loves me out of fucking nowhere. I told him it wouldn’t happen and I left. I was going to tell Frank about it when he came home yesterday, I tried to. But I was so fucking scared, because I knew, I just know he would leave me if he found out. Even though I stopped it, he wouldn’t forgive me. He knew something was wrong, though, and I panicked and it just came out about Nick, because I had to tell him something. I didn’t plan on telling him, and now I think I’ve lost him anyway. He hasn’t spoken since then, and I feel horrible that I dumped this on his lap because I was afraid of telling him about what I’d done. I mean, I made one mistake and now I could lose everything, and I just thought that maybe it was better to keep him in the dark instead of ruining everything because I couldn’t deal with the guilt.”

Nina was silent the entire time I rambled, letting me get it all out without interruption. She was still confused as fuck, trying to hang onto every word that spilled from my mouth, It was difficult for her to make sense of it all, but once I had started I couldn’t stop. I only wanted to say everything once, and I figured this was just like a band aid. Do it quickly, and it will hurt less. Of course, I knew it was a lie really. The truth always hurts, every fucking time, and the truth was that my recent actions showed me to be the worst kind of human being there was. I was a coward; a hideous, selfish coward who still lived in a bubble of fear, where only the source of my fear had changed. My childhood fear of Nick had transferred into a fear of myself, and the knowledge that I was responsible for my actions. Nobody else was at fault for the way that I fell so easily into Gerard’s embrace or for not telling Frank what had happened.

“So, you put your infidelity down to sexual frustration then?”

I wanted to hit Nina right then. Her tone was so condescending, full of unspoken speculation.

“Yes.”

“Grace, there’s no point in coming here if you’re not going to be honest. I’m not here to judge you, I’m here so that you can talk about how you really feel. Don’t waste my time and your money by doing otherwise.”

I glared, wishing I could say that it wasn’t true, that there wasn’t more to what happened than just pure sexual frustration. It was a lie, though, a lie that I wanted to bury in the sand, deep down so that even I wouldn’t see it anymore.

“I…” I swallowed nervously “I don’t know how I feel about Gerard. I love Frank with all my heart, but Gerard…he doesn’t make me feel so fragile. I kept a mask on with Frank, he never knew the real me, the one that’s full of anger and hate and secrets. I kept all of that buried because I wanted to be happy with him, but things have been tough ever since…that night. Now the mask is gone, and he’s slipping further away from me every day. Gerard has only ever seen the real me, and he never judged me for it.So, yes, there’s something there. He’s attractive, he’s smart, and he’s funny. There’s definitely a connection between us, but I don’t know how far that goes. I don’t want to know. I have no intention of talking to him again, anyway, so it doesn’t matter anyway, does it? I made a mistake out of frustration, and it’s not one I’m gonna make again. I want to make things work with Frank. I want us to be happy again. I just want things to go back to the way they were before I fucked up.”

I sounded desperate and pathetic, even to my own ears. Nina’s composure was back to her normal, neutral self. She appraised me with her narrowed eyes, sitting up straight and gazing at me with a stern look.

“Grace, have you told Frank about how he makes you feel? Have either of you tried to make a positive step to get past this rough patch? You told me he’s tried to talk about it, but you haven’t reciprocated. You made a start yesterday, so maybe now is the time to do that.”

I bit my lip and nodded.

“Do you think we’ll make it?”

My voice cracked as the words slipped out, desperate and pitiful. I felt like I was clutching at straws, hoping that just by her saying so, things would be okay with Frank, even if it took some time to get there. I could bear it of I knew we’d be okay in the end. The idea of a future without Frank was absolutely fucking terrifying and beyond real comprehension. A future without him just didn’t seem right.

“I can’t give you any certainties, Grace, I can only give you advice. Before things can work themselves out, you have to figure yourself out. You’ve spent so long hiding behind a façade, and because of that you’re only beginning to deal with your issues now. The foundation of your relationship wasn’t necessarily a lie, but you’ve hidden a part of who you are. Your relationship with Frank is at a crossroads right now, and the decisions you make now are going to affect what direction you two go down. You’ve told Frank about Nick, and that’s a good start. It’s a big step, and I’m proud of you, but things will never go back to how they were. Once you open up it’s difficult to move forward unless you remain open and honest. You and Frank can get past this as long as you reach out to him. If you want things to work you need to start communicating. You’ve been using Gerard to provide the emotional support you’ve been afraid to seek from Frank. It’s natural to attach yourself to someone who has a similar background, it’s what makes support groups so successful. How do you feel about breaking off contact with Gerard?”

“It sucks, just like it would with any other friend. He was there for me more than most of my friends, he cared. I just feel so guilty. He doesn’t have much contact with other people since he gave up drinking and I hate that he mightn’t have anyone to talk to now, someone that he can be completely honest with. He looked terrible when he came in, like he hasn’t sleep. I don’t want to abandon him, especially if he’s going to hurt himself, but I’m doing the right thing, aren’t I?”

“Certainly. If you feel that a friendship with him will be emotionally draining on either one of you, then of course you need to step back. He’s a big boy who’s responsible for his own life and how he decides to run it. Don’t confuse guilt and sympathy with obligation.”

I replayed the words in my mind, hoping it would relieve some of the pressure in my chest. I wanted them to erase the uncomfortable ache that came to the surface when I saw Gerard. Her words should have been my absolution in regards to Gerard. He could take care of himself and it wasn’t my business if he had a hard time accepting that I didn’t return his love. It didn’t take away the nagging feeling in my gut, the one that kept replaying the desperate words he spoke before I had walked away. It didn’t take away the doubt that I felt, that I’d been overly harsh. The sense of obligation to try and fix things, to at least end things on a better note wasn’t easy to shrug away. He deserved closure, I owed him that much.

By the time I left the office I’d decided to at least talk to him once more. I wanted to ease my conscience, and that could only happen by having one last conversation with Gerard. I needed to know that he would be okay, that he wasn’t going to do something stupid because I’d been callous. I didn’t know if he’d even want to see me, the way he’d looked at me when he came in suggested that I wasn’t his favourite person at the moment. Not that I could blame him, he was perfectly entitled to be angry with me. I could only hope that he’d push it aside and listen to me. The waiting room felt too stuffy for my liking, it was claustrophobic and tense, so I decided to wait outside the building for him. I was anxious the entire time, and after five minutes of waiting I was afraid that I’d missed him. I was considering going back upstairs to check when he finally came out, a cigarette already lit and ready to go. He stopped, gazing at me with that intense, penetrating look that only he could give. His blank expression gave nothing away, letting me squirm.

“I thought maybe we should talk?” I eventually ventured, cringing inwardly when I couldn’t keep the discomfort out of my voice.

“Now you wanna talk?” His response wasn’t angry or accusatory. It was strangely void of any emotion, and it only made me flush with shame.

“I know I reacted badly, I accept that. You have every right to be angry at me.”

“I’m glad I have your permission to be angry.”

I sighed, quickly realising that I wasn’t going to get anywhere. If he didn’t want to talk, there was nothing I could do. I was extending an olive branch, and if he didn’t want to take it that was his choice.

“Fine. You don’t want to talk, that’s okay. I just…I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean to hurt you. You were a good friend and I’m sorry for my part in what happened. We made a mistake, one I regret, but I really wish we could still be friends. It’s all I have to offer, but you’ll always have my friendship, if you want it.”

He raised an eyebrow at my response, but the anger that flashed in his eyes made me flinch.

“You know, I had a lot of time to think over the last couple of days. I replayed what happened in my head a million times, over and over, trying to see how I could have picked up the signals so wrong, that I was stupid for thinking that maybe you could feel something for me too. Here’s the thing though; I don’t think I did. You wanted what happened just as much as I did. You feel something for me too, you just don’t want to admit it, and that’s why you freaked out. If you really loved your boyfriend you would never have let it happen, and you certainly wouldn’t have run away the way you did. You think that might make me feel a bit better about it, but it doesn’t. It makes it all the worse, because you’d rather be in a relationship with a guy who doesn’t even make you happy anymore than give yourself a real chance with someone who actually sees the real you. You’d prefer to run scared and act like I mean nothing to you. So, you can take your higher moral ground and keep it. Go live a miserable life with the guy you pretend to love. See how happy a lifetime of lies makes you.”

His words were vicious and they cut me like a thousand knives pressed against my skin. They physically wounded me.The pain in my chest was real, and I didn’t know how I managed to keep breathing as the words were flung at me with venomous contempt. He wanted to hurt me, to cut me open and expose me, and he achieved it. I didn’t even notice the tears that leaked from the corners of my eyes. His anger seemed to fade momentarily, the look of pain and regret fleeting, before he shook his head and left me standing there a broken mess.

Notes

So, here's the next chapter guys, posted a bit later than planned. I hope you enjoy it anyway, and please leave feedback!

Lyra