Stay With Me

"Shit, Grace, wake up!"

I felt a hand shake my shoulder roughly; waking me up harshly from the dreamless nap Id been taking. I turned to lie on my back, trying to remember where I was. I could see tree branches above me, which were looking bare in the autumn weather. Why was I outside? I felt a wet drop land on my cheek, which I wiped away instantly.

"Grace, we have to go. You were right about the rain!"

I sat up and looked to my right, where I saw Gerard packing up his stuff in a panic. I was still a little dazed from the sleep I'd been abruptly taken from. I felt another drop fall on top of my head, shocking me into action. I stood up clumsily, stumbling in my sleepy state. I managed to find my bag when Gerard wrapped a hand around my wrist.

"Cmon. My place is just around the corner."

We broke into a run, and once we left the shelter of the trees we were pelted with the rain. I was soaked within seconds and I cursed Gerard for not listening to me earlier. I knew it was going to rain but no, he just had to finish whatever the hell he was doing and now I'll get pneumonia and die, knowing my luck as of late. I was too focused on keeping up with him to really take in what direction we were heading in and my lack of fitness hit me again after a couple of minutes of running. I could hear Gerard huffing in front of me, signalling that he wasnt faring much better than me, making me feel a bit better about myself. He wasnt lying when he said he lived around the corner from the park. We reached the destination within five minutes of leaving the park, which was a rundown looking apartment building. It looked more like a house on the outside; it was the intercom beside the door and the labelled buzzers that gave it away. I didnt count how many apartments there were but it couldnt have been more than six or seven. Gerard rooted around his bag for a couple of seconds before procuring his keys and with cold, shaking hands he opened the door and pulled me inside. He slammed the door behind us before leaning against the wooden barrier to the outside world, gasping for the air he desperately needed. I bent forward, leaning with my hands on my knees in an effort to ease the stitch from earlier that returned with a vengeance.

"I told you it was going it was going to rain" I couldn't stop the words tumbling from my lips breathlessly. He turned his attention to me, his hazel orbs meeting my eyes. Instead of firing some smart ass comment back at me or defending himself, he just started laughing. I didn't know if he was laughing at me or the situation but either way it was infectious. It didn't help me to recuperate the badly needed oxygen back into my system but it felt so good to just laugh. It seemed like forever since I had an honest to goodness, full body, oxygen depriving, stomach cramping laugh. It turned into a vicious cycle; I was laughing because of him, and my laughing only encouraged him. When he finally had enough he stood up straight and motioned for me to follow him. We climbed two flights of stairs to get to his floor, which only had two apartments. He let me inside first and I was instantly met with a chill of cold air. I was soaked straight through, and coupled with the less than warm temperature of his apartment, I found myself shivering the moment I walked inside.

''The sitting room is just down the hall'' he told me, trying to get me to move again. I could see the light peeking through the door at the end of the hall. I hoped the room would be warmer than the hallway, and I thanked the heavens when I opened the door and felt a wave of warm air hit me. I walked into the middle of the room and watched Gerard as he shrugged his messenger bag off his shoulder and onto the ground beside him. He bent down immediately and took his sketch book out of the wet bag, along with the camera. The camera looked pretty dry from where I stood, and Gerard placed it on the floor once he gave it a quick inspection. His sketchbook cover wasn't so fortunate; I could see watermarks marring the swirl of colours. The pages inside, which I couldn't see, must have been unaffected by the water. He placed it on top of a radiator to dry but otherwise he didn't seem too concerned over it. The slightly warmer temperature of the room didn't stop my shivering, which Gerard finally noticed now that his sketchbook was deemed safe and he was able to focus on me.

"I'll get you some dry clothes to change into." He spoke somewhat distractedly and rushed out of the room. I stood aimlessly in the room, afraid to sit down or move about in case I got more of his stuff wet. The room was pretty messy; there were two canvases set up in front of the large window that was the source of natural light for the room. In between the canvasses was a small table which held an assortment of paints and brushes. The green carpet surrounding the area was covered by a large white sheet, which had one or two spots of dark paint on it. His couch looked more like a bed with a crumpled, used looking blanket hanging haphazardly from its frame. The TV remote was sitting on top of it, and on the ground in front of it a used mug and a bowl with milk swimming at the bottom were carelessly left to be trampled on. The TV, a flat screen which was half the size of the one I had at home, was opposite the couch and placed neatly on a TV stand, which doubled as a storage space for his rather extensive DVD collection. I was about to take a closer look when the sitting room door opened, letting in a cold breeze from the hall. He was now wearing dry clothes, though his hair was dripping wet. He had a bundle of clothes in his hands, which he promptly handed over to me.

"These are a bit old but they're clean. The pants might be a bit big but they're the smallest pair I have."

''I'm sure they'll be fine. Where's your bathroom?"

"Uh, first door on the right. Ill put your clothes in the dryer, they'll be done in no time."

"Thanks" I muttered, suddenly feeling awkward.

The situation felt a little surreal. I was in Gerard's apartment, soaking wet and about to get changed into his clothes. I was about to go into his bathroom and essentially get naked. The realisation that I would be stripping off a few meters away from him was a panic inducing thought. The fact that I was here, alone with him in his apartment, where nobody knew where I was or who I was with, was overwhelming and frightening. I all but fled to the bathroom to hide the fear that threatened to start a panic attack. I thought I had gotten over my aversion to being alone with men; I hadn't felt this kind of reaction in years. I made sure to bolt the door the second I was in the bathroom. I slid down to the floor, clutching my bent knees as I fought the anxiety attack that threatened to consume me. I shut my eyes tightly, hoping that by blurring out one of my senses I could get my emotions under control. I started to count numbers in my head, aiming to go for as long as necessary until I felt more in control of myself. It had taken me by surprise and even when I counted to seventy nine and felt a little calmer I was extremely rattled by it. I couldn't help but wonder if I had regressed by ten years. Was this the start of things to come? Nina was supposed to help me deal with me issues, she was supposed to help me move past the stuff from my past but it seemed like the time spent with her was nothing but a waste of time. I was locked in a bathroom with a frazzled mind and a racing heart that was only beginning to go back to its normal rhythm. Was it normal to trigger like this, without warning or provocation? Deep down I knew the reason why it had happened. The last time I had been completely alone with a man other than Frank, he had pushed me against a wall and put his hands in my underwear. I hadnt thought much about the incident, not since I had started seeing Nina. I had been focusing more on the abuse I had suffered as a teenager, and of course my suicide attempt. The attack triggered the trip down memory lane but I had disconnected from it. It was merely a final straw in a long overdue meltdown, and as such I hadn't given much thought to how I felt about it. It was obvious to me now that it had left its mark. I was raging that with one act, Nick had brought everything to the surface, including my old phobias. Gerard was a friend; he was helping me, and I knew I had nothing to fear from him. He had never given me any reason to believe that he would hurt me, or that he had ulterior motives. He was a good guy, just like Frank. I sure as hell wasn't about to let Nick ruin yet another friendship on me. He had done enough damage, and I had fought too hard to let him win now. I embraced the anger swimming in my veins. The anger was good; anger meant I had something to focus on other than panic. It got me off the floor and though I was still shaking, I was far calmer. I picked up the clothes Gerard had given me and finally inspected them. The t shirt was rather large, and due to my short stature it was more like short dress. The sweatpants he gave me were a faded grey colour. I doubted that he wore them very much and I imagined they were stored at the back of a press, forgotten about until a dire moment of need necessitated for them to come out of its hiding place. I stripped of my top and bottoms, a difficult enough task due to the fabrics clinging to my skin in their wet state. I grabbed a spare towel he'd left folded up neatly on the edge of the bath and dried off the excess water which irritated my skin. I debated whether I should take my bra off or not. It was just as wet as my top but the idea of walking around Gerard's apartment without it seemed a little inappropriate. The lacy fabric was unpleasant to wear when wet so, my discomfort outweighed the awkwardness. I could hide it inside my top when putting my clothes in the dryer. He would be none the wiser. I left the bathroom and went back to the sitting room where Id left Gerard. He was searching through his DVD collection and unaware of my return. I cleared my throat, gaining his attention and a smile.

"Hey. I was thinking maybe we could throw on a movie while your clothes are in the dryer?"

"Sure. What were you thinking?"

"I'm thinking Fellowship of the Ring. Any objections?"

"Nah, that sounds good. Wheres your dryer?"

"Oh, its down in the basement. How about you set this up and I'll throw them on?" He stood up and walked over to me, his question more of a demand as he took my clothes out of my hands and handed me the DVD box set.

"I'll be right back" He was out of the room in a flash, and I prayed that he wouldn't notice the bra. I was blushing at the thought against my will, which I hoped would go away before he came back. The main menu had just on the screen when he returned, and a quick inspection of his expression didn't give anything away.

"Do you want a coffee before we start?" he asked, picking up the abandoned mug and bowl left on the floor.

"Yes please. One sugar and creamer if you have it."

He returned with two steaming mugs, clearing the small table with his paints for us to use.

"Man, I haven't watched this in forever. Its such a good movie!" I exclaimed, handing Gerard the remote for him to press play.

"Me neither. This is long overdue."

He pressed play and the conversation stopped. We were both too engrossed in the movie to deal with idle chatter that would only distract from the cinematic awesomeness on the screen. We occasionally quoted the lines in time with the movie, making us giggle like school girls. The three hours spent watching the movie passed by in blur, but the good kind of blur; the kind where you forget about everything bad in the world and just lose yourself in the fictional world being played out on the screen. It seemed so normal to sit on Gerard's couch, in Gerard's apartment, in Gerard's clothes, like it was nothing out of the ordinary. The fear I'd felt earlier was forgotten about like a fuzzy dream. I couldn't remember ever being this comfortable around someone before in such a short period of time. I refused to think about the implications of what that meant; it was a road I refused to go down. It wouldn't matter if it meant something deeper anyway. I love Frank and that was enough. The movie finished and within seconds Gerard was on his feet. It made me wonder if he had ADD or something. He fidgeted a lot and couldn't keep still for any period of time.

"Your stuff should be dried now. Ill go check them."

He was out of the apartment in a flash. I didn't move from my spot as I was far too comfortable. My eyes were drooping when I heard his front door slam shut and I was too tired to even jump in fright. I didn't move a muscle until I felt something warm and soft landing on my face. I groaned in annoyance, before pulling my now dried clothes off my face. Gerard was standing in front of me with a smile on his face, as though throwing clothes on me was fucking hilarious. Maybe it was from his point of view but, for me it was nothing short of mildly annoying.

"Asshole" I croaked, throwing my head back and resting it on the back of the couch to look at the ceiling.

He giggled and flopped down on the couch beside me, leaving what felt like no space in between us. I turned my head to look at him, surprised to see that he was looking at me. I lifted my head up as a wave of awkwardness filled the air. He was far too close to me. I didn't know if it was intentional, or if he just had a different sense of personal space than I had but, either way, it wasn't welcome. I was about to create more space between us when I felt his hand cup my cheek. My brain froze for a split second in shock, before alarm bells starting screeching in my head. This wasn't good. I was going to move away, I swear I was but, the seconds that I had hesitated must have been interpreted as approval to Gerard and he took the opportunity to seal his lips over mine. They were warm, soft and surprisingly gentle. I should have stopped him then; I should have pushed him away and told him that I wasn't interested. I didn't though. The sexual frustration Id felt over the last few weeks came to the surface. Instead I encouraged him by returning the pressure, and things spiralled from there. His hand travelled to clutch at my hair just as I felt his teeth gently nip at my bottom lip. I gave him what he wanted without resistance and he didn't hesitate to turn the kiss into something more passionate by adding his tongue to the kiss. It didn't take too long before I found myself lying down on the couch with Gerard on top of me. His hand was exploring under my top, cupping my breasts but he made no move to divulge me of it. My own hands were fisted tightly in his hair, all sense of thought lost to me. He broke the kiss, only to quickly attach his lips to my neck which earned a pleasurable groan from me. Our hips were grinding against each other, like we were a pair of high schoolers with out of control hormones. The hand that was up my top started to trail a path down my stomach, stopping short of the top of my pants, teasing me mercilessly. They lingered there, stroking the sensitive skin. It felt like an eternity before they finally found their way underneath and stroked me over my underwear.

Then the reality of what I was doing hit me. This wasn't Frank. I shouldn't be doing this. It was a though a switch had been turned on in my mind, allowing me to fully see what I was doing.

"Wait, stop."

Panic was evident in my voice, causing Gerard to jump off me as though I'd electrocuted him with my words. I scrambled off the couch immediately, landing on the floor in a heap. The only sound that filled the air was our laboured breathing as we stared at each other. Gerard's expression was almost painful to watch; he looked hurt and wounded, while I imagined my face was nothing short of a picture of shock and confusion. I couldn't look at him anymore. I grabbed my clothes and ran to the bathroom, tears falling down my cheeks as I locked the door behind me. I threw Gerard's clothes to the floor, flinging them far away from me as possible, as though they were tainted by what I'd done. I dressed faster than I'd ever dressed before. I didn't care if it was still pouring out of the heavens; I had to get out of the apartment. My plan was to leave without saying another word to Gerard. The burgeoning friendship was now destroyed. A line was crossed and there was no way to fix it. Unfortunately for me my bag, which included my house keys, were still in the living room. With a feeling of trepidation, I left the safety of the bathroom to grab my stuff. Maybe if I was lucky Gerard would have the sense to not be there.

I entered the living room and found Gerard was still there, pacing the room in anxiety. I didn't say a word as I made a beeline for my bag which was resting on the floor beside the couch.

"Grace wait" he pleaded, his voice stricken with angst.

"I've got nothing to say to you Gerard. It was a mistake, and I think its best we leave it at that."

I shouldered my bag distractedly as I fought against the need to break down into tears. I grabbed my still damp coat but I didn't even attempt to throw it on. I tried to scurry out of the room but Gerard followed me out into the hall.

"Grace, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it, okay. I just...would you just listen to me for a minute!"

He grabbed my wrist, jerking me to a halt in the middle of the hallway.

"I'm sorry" he continued, his hazel eyes glassy with tears and I found that I couldn't look away. I just...ever since I met you I cant stop thinking about you. You're in my head all the time. I spent so long wishing I was dead. I had so much anger and hate inside me, and I wanted nothing more than to just fall asleep and never wake up again. Then I met you and I feel like I have a reason to wake up in the morning. You're the only person I've ever told my darkest secret to and you didn't even flinch. You're the only person who's ever understood what I want through. I know you have a boyfriend, and I've been trying so hard to push my feelings aside and deny the truth but its getting harder every time I see you. I love you. So fucking much, and it hurts because I know you'll never be mine. Even though he doesn't make you happy, you'll never leave him, not for me."

I didn't have any words that would comfort him. He wanted me to say I loved him too, or to give him some hope that something could happen between us. Sorry would be useless and meaningless. So I didn't say anything. I ripped my arm out of his reach and shook my head at him, telling him my answer without saying the words. I didn't stay to hear anything else. I walked out of the apartment, shaking like a leaf as I flagged a cab down in the pouring rain.

Notes

So...Who saw that coming? Was Grace right to run away like that?

Thoughts are always appreciated.Thanks to everyone who had commented so far.

Lyra xx