Fallyn's POV

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I woke to the cars engine purring underneath me, still traveling like it hadn't stopped since. I was still in the station wagon, running away from all my problems and back to some of them.
Blackford.

There was almost a competition going on in my head now, what's worse thing at the moment.
Leaving the band behind in the middle of nowhere or going back to a place where everyone absolutely hates me and my best friend is buried. Basically no place is worse, they both hurt my heart and head equally and I didn't really want to be at either place.

I want to feel like I did when I woke up on the bus for the first time. I wasn't feeling anything for Frank yet but I was kinda happy regardless, I wanted that feeling back.
I don't want to be happy, I just want to be content, somewhere in the middle of the spectrum of ecstatic and depressed.

No matter what though my brain kept reminding me of how I felt when I was cuddled up next to Frank in that creepy, possessed hotel. I was happy, safe and it was a wonderful feeling I enjoyed, I needed to feel it again but at the same time I never wanted to see him again.

He might not realize it but I was head over heels in love with Frank Iero and it was the precise reason I left but a thought of how Frank would react was stuck in my mind.
He'd either decide I'd done the think that was best for me and left for my own sake, then there was the most likely response.
He'd try to stop me.

Frank was a determined person when he wanted and there was no doubt he'd try to find me.
I could only hope he'd never consider I'd go back to Blackford. I guess I told them how much I hated the place enough that they just might believe I'd never want to see the town again.

The people where nothing to brag about either.
'Come to Blackford, the town of rednecks, dipshits and kidnapped children! You'll never get to leave!'
That'd make one hell of a welcome sign.

Blackford was almost like a town in a horror movie, I could just imagine some house being haunted by the ghost of some pissed off spirit and everyone getting killed.
I wouldn't mind.
I'd actually applaud it.

I now sound like a psychopath of some sort but in reality I think anyone from Blackford is insane.
The sanest person I've ever met was Frank and even then he could have his crazy moments. But he was sane enough and sometimes it felt like he could keep me level headed.

I don't know what it's like to feel normal, my life's been weird from the get-go and people have always led me to believe I was a freak do I started agreeing with them. I've been called everything under the sun, spazz, loser, emo, weirdo, freak, goth, crazy...insert more cliché sayings by dumb high schoolers here.
It's actually sad that they can't come up with their own original insults but I guess originality is all old hat, copying everything is all the rage now. Unless it's for a good reason or completely worth it I never want to be known as a copier, I want to be creative and come up with my own new ideas all the time.
But no idea can honestly be new, there are millions and millions of people on this world and at least one of them will have had the same idea as you.

It might just be my inner pessimist talking but that's what I think anyway, so there you go, I'll never have my own original thought. Although I'd have to say that this recent stupid decision would be a first, I don't think too many people could say they've decided to go to a shitty town over living with My Chemical Romance.

The purring of the car engine came to a halt and I sat up, looking around to see what was going on.
The car had stopped outside a gas station and Rose had gotten out to fill up the fuel tank.

At first I was disappointed to find out that we weren't in Blackford yet, I'd been hoping to sleep until we were there. Then my eyes registered the gas station sign, we weren't as far from it as I thought, wewere two towns away now.

"Hey cool, you're awake. Do you want anything, cup of coffee?" I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and put the seat up.

"Uh, no. I haven't got any money," I told her, shrugging and leaning against the headrest.

"Alright, be back in a minute." She nodded and walked off, reaching into get jeans pocket as she went.

At the thought of food or even a cup of cheap gas station coffee my stomach rumbled.
I didn't eat much before I ran away from the bus, just a bit of toast and that was it. I think I have a couple of dollars laying around in my room at Blackford, I'll go to the local store and get something to eat once I'm there.

So is this where my life's going?
I'm heading back to my old town to live with the same awful people that never change.
I'll have to get a job too if I want to feed myself and have a place to stay.
Ugh, I'm sixteen, I shouldn't have to worry about stuff like this at my age.

Normal girls don't have to worry about these kind of things.They get to think about school, if their outfit matches their shoes, has their hair been curled properly.

I get to worry about getting a job and finding a place to stay, that's without counting I need to find out what the hell's going on with my dead best friend. Oh and I also need to remember the vampire rhythm guitarist who I'm very much in love with but can't be with because I'm a coward.

I'm afraid to love, I keep telling myself it's because 'I don't want to get hurt' and 'it's the best thing' but in reality in being a wuss. Sure I'll do a lot of stupid stuff all the time, getting up on a table and taking most of my clothes off for example which takes a lot of guts but I'm afraid to be in love with someone which is easy.

I'm afraid to have a reason to live but maybe that's what I need, I've never had a reason no matter how my life may seem to work out.
I think I might want one.

I sat up straight in the car, feeling my heart beat quicker.
Shit, what have I done?

I need to go back to the bus, I need to tell them that I'm sorry and I shouldn't have done it.
I need to apologize to Frank especially, he'd want to know that in safe wouldn't he?

What if they've moved the bus though? They could still be going back to Jersey but it doesn't mean I know where any of them live, Belleville is the most I know. I don't even have a street address or a house number.
I know, I could call them.

My hand went to my pocket. But I left my mobile in the snow so they've either found it or it's still in the middle of nowhere and by now probably ruined.

I feel sick, sicker than before. At first it had been regret, now it's the realization of the mistake I've made
Ugh, I can't even remember any of their phone numbers.
I've never had to call them so why should I have memorized their numbers?

This is the biggest fuck up of my life.

Notes