I could hear hushed voices and noises coming from inside Lana's apartment and then finally, the door opened.

'Gerard! What are you doing here?' her face looked flushed and she tried too hard to sound excited. 'I thought you wouldn't be in Paris 'til tomorrow?'

'I took an earlier train. Wanted to surprise you.' I replied, not able to hide the disappointment in my voice when she made no move to let me come inside.

And then, I found out why.

'Hey!' a guy stepped next to Lana, looking at me curiously. 'I'm Mateo. And I'm out of your way. I'll call you tomorrow?' he said to her and she nodded shyly.

He leaned down to kiss her cheek and I could tell that it made her feel even more uncomfortable. As he left, I saw that he was wearing his shirt inside out. Something weird happened then. I felt a numbness that I hadn't felt ever since I've gotten sober.

'Umm sorry, you wanna come in?' she moved aside now but I wasn't sure whether I still wanted to.

'You know what? Maybe I'll come back in the morning. I seem to have caught you at a bad time.'

'No, no not at all. We were just...he was just about to leave anyway.' she said.

What was I thinking? Of course, this guy, he was the reason for her weird behavior lately. It was too obvious now but I had been too blind, too stupid to see it. It had finally happened. She had met someone else.

'Was he?' I wasn't even sad or mad about the fact that she had moved on. I had encouraged her to, several times.

Lana was quiet for a while, a distraught frown on her forehead.

'I wanted to tell you. But I didn't want to do it on the phone. I'm sorry.' she said and I gave her a weak smile.

'It's okay. Don't worry about it. And don't be sorry. I'm happy as long as you are happy.' I replied, surprised by my own words.

Could I have sounded any more like the liar that I was? I wasn't even telling her what she wanted to hear, I was telling her what I wanted to feel but didn't. Why couldn't I just man up and be honest? Let her know that it was NOT okay because I loved her, because I didn't want her to be with anyone else, because I was here for one reason and one reason only, to tell her that I wanted to be with her. But no, I didn't. Once again, I listened to my stupid head, demanding I'd keep my mouth shut and walk away.

'Gerard...' of course she knew I was lying. There was no way in hell she hadn't figured me out.

I gave up. Although her eyes were begging me to stay, I left.

And on the taxi ride to the hotel, I typed out at least ten versions of a text to her, all of them childish, bitter, even hurtful, overdramatic, telling her that I would leave and never come back if it would make her happy. I didn't send any of them.

*

'I wasn't lying when I said I wanted you to be happy. And I don't have the right to stand in your way. I didn't even have the right to come back after everything that happened. We have to let go. And we should have done that a long time ago.' his text read as I awoke to the sound of my phone vibrating the next morning.

At first I was convinced this was a bad dream. I sat up in my bed, staring at the phone, confused, reading the words over and over again. It didn't hurt at first. Because I knew he was right. Of course he was. But then I couldn't help but think of the time we had spent together, trying to rebuild our relationship, a friendship that we could have had, basically until we were ready to be more than friends again. And I had been so sure of it, so sure that we could do it, that we both wanted it enough to make it work. Had I been wrong? Was there not enough left to salvage? Had we been pretending AGAIN?

That thought made me angry. Realizing that we had in fact, not been moving forward but just been repeating the same mistakes over and over again, made me furious. Not at Gerard, not at myself, just at the fact that we had been so obviously fooled.

'But I want you in my life.' I replied, trying my best not to sound like a butthurt child.

'Same. Desperately. I think that's the problem. Always has been.' his next text said and I sighed. Why was he being so complicated? Why wasn't this easier?

'I love you.' was all I could say.

'I love you.' he replied and that was that.

We let go. For now? Forever? I wasn't sure. Was it even possible to temporarily let go of someone? Once you let go, they slip away, right? And no, it wasn't as easy as that, ha, I wish. In fact, it had been easier the first time around. We hadn't been able to be together. Now, it almost felt as if we didn't want to be together. And why? I didn't know. But as much as I had tried to deny it, for the first time in months, I acknowledged the possibility that it probably simply wasn't meant to be. I also acknowledged the possibility that I should have acknowledged this a long time ago.

I turned off my phone and pulled the blankets over my head, fighting the tears. I stuck my nose into the pillows, trying to find a hint of Gerard's scent in them although I knew it was impossible because I had washed and changed them countless times since the last time he had been here. I gave up, sighing and closing my eyes, attempting to go back to sleep for a while. But nothing. Unable to help it, I began thinking about Gerard again, wondering what I'd do or say if he was next to me, wondering what he'd do or say. If I let him touch me. If I let him kiss me. If it would change anything. I thought about the last time we had made love, without knowing it would be the last time. I mumbled his name to myself before I fell asleep, making myself promise not to think about him anymore once I'd wake up again. This was it. Like the last piece of cake before starting a diet.

*

I left Paris thinking that making this decision was the best thing to do. For Lana and for myself. We both needed time to figure out what it really was that we wanted. I wanted to give her a chance at being happy. Experience something uncomplicated without constantly worrying about whether or not it was 'right'. Of course it was right. She wasn't mine. She never had been.

The guys didn't dare to ask questions about what had happened. Even Mikey knew better than to be nosey and share his wisdom with me. I wasn't in a bad mood or sad about what had happened. But it made me think and ultimately, I brought my thoughts to paper.

We started another headlining tour in the US and I turned into a total workaholic. When we weren't playing, I was writing or jamming with Ray, recording rough demos of songs. After the show, instead of going out with the others, I became a bus hermit, drawing and sketching, completely lost in my own world. I was working on my own comic, something I always dreamed about doing, ever since I was a little boy. My goal was to complete a few first drafts during our time off and send them to a few publishers. Under a pseudonym, since I didn't want anyone to be bias or refuse to work with me because of my already tight schedule. Most publishers had very strict deadlines and the fact that I was in a band could probably make them skeptic as to whether or not I would be able to deliver on time. But first things first, I wasn't even close to being finished and the band was more important to me anyway.

'Hey Gee, you mind moving your stuff? We got an extra passenger tonight.' Ray got on the bus, harshly bringing me back into the real world after I had spent hours sketching.

'Yeah.' I just mumbled, frustrated and tired all of a sudden.

'Cool. This is Amy. She's been traveling with Reggie but their van broke down so they had to rent a new one which is smaller, means Amy has to ride with us 'til they get their shit together.'

I had met Amy but had never talked to her simply due to the fact that I was pretty much keeping to myself these days. But she seemed nice.

'Yeah. Cool. Hi.' I said, trying to sound polite.

'Hey. Thanks for having me. Wow, did you draw that?' she looked at the pieces of paper in my hands and I nodded. 'These are amazing. Remind me of Richard Case's stuff.'

She had me at Richard Case. I raised my eyebrows and could feel myself blushing at her compliment, Case was one of my favorite artists and although I had my own distinctive style, also one of my biggest influences. Without even thinking about it, I handed her my sketches and she sat down at the table, starting to look through them.

'Well, I'm off to bed. I guess you can ask Gerard in case you need anything.' Ray said, eager to get out of our way.

'Okay night.' I just mumbled and sat down next to her.

That night, we stayed up until 5am, just talking about comics and art and not once did I think about Lana. Not even when I finally went to bed, still hyped about the fact that I had so much in common with Amy.

*

'So, I'll see you tomorrow?' Mateo asked as we said goodbye at the Metro station.

I was surprised. Surprised that he wanted to keep seeing me despite of what happened with Gerard, despite the fact that I had confessed to him that I still wasn't over him completely. He deserved better than being the rebound guy, the second choice, the next best thing. Mateo was an amazing guy and we had become very close. Although I still wasn't 100% ready to commit, he understood and didn't put pressure on me, on the contrary, he told me he'd give me all the time I'd need, as long as I was honest about my feelings. That was the least I could do, so I obviously agreed.

My feelings. They were hard to describe these days. Of course I still thought about Gerard. There wasn't an on/off switch for it and as much as I enjoyed it when I didn't think about him, because I was happy, carefree, confident that I was doing the right thing, that I was strong enough to move on, all these things were shattered once I caught myself thinking about him again. Especially at night which was difficult because all these thoughts, haunting me in the dark, were much more intense and there was nothing I could do to distract myself. Eventually, I asked Mateo to start sleeping over and I couldn't deny that I was using him to make it easier for me. It wasn't right. It happened for all the wrong reasons. At least at first.

'When's the last time you've been to Normandy?' Mateo asked me. We were shopping for a birthday present for his mother, who he was going to visit this weekend.

'Umm...must have been a teenager. Why?'

'Well, I was thinking...you should come with me to visit my parents.'

There it was. The sentence I had dreaded. I had made a point in keeping it casual, making it clear that I wasn't ready for something serious and he had been happy with it.

'Mateo...' I started but he held up his hand.

'I know. I know. And before you say anything, I told my parents that I would maybe bring a friend. A friend. So don't worry. I'm not planning to introduce you as their future daughter-in-law.' he said and I swallowed hard.

'Well great. But I know how parents are. Especially mothers. I'm sorry, Mat, but I can't. I'm not ready for something like that.' I tried my best not to hurt his feelings but he looked sad nonetheless.

'Lana, I promise, I won't make you feel uncomfortable. My parents will respect our relationship. Friendship. Whatever you want it to be. And it's only a weekend.'

I immediately felt guilty. He was doing so much for me, accepting the fact that I was still in love with someone else, respecting the fact that I wasn't ready to take the next step. And I couldn't do him this simple favor? I was being so selfish.

'Okay. Okay. I'll come. As a friend.' I looked at him sternly but he had me wrapped around his finger as he smiled happily.

Maybe I was ready to take the next step after all.

Notes

since I know I won't be able to update tomorrow, you'll get an early one :)