In a way, I was glad that Lana hadn't picked up that night. It made me rethink my decision. Yes, I would quit the band in a heartbeat for her. Although she would never ask me to do it, on the contrary, she would probably fight me and move back to the States just so I could keep doing what I loved. I was too aware of that and I didn't want her to give up her life in Paris for me. Maybe we just had to try harder.

So I called her every night, talking to her about everything, sharing every little detail of my life on the road with her. I told her I missed her, I promised to come and visit as soon as I could and I encouraged her to do the same. Sometimes we would even have little phone-watch sessions, where we would simultaneously watch something on the internet or the TV and pretend we were next to each other, commenting and joking about what we were seeing. It was fun and for an hour or so, I forgot that she was actually thousands of miles away from me. And at first, she had seemed excited, but then, half-way through Warped Tour, around mid-July, something changed. Our conversations were gradually getting shorter, Lana didn't talk as much anymore and would sometimes tell me she had to go in the middle of a conversation. Sure, she had other stuff to do, just like I did too and we didn't always have a lot to talk about, especially since we were talking EVERY day but even then we would tell silly jokes or discuss some trivialities just to hear each others voices. That stopped too. I knew instantly that she was keeping something from me but I didn't ask her about it. I didn't have the right to. If there was something she didn't want to share with me, I couldn't feel offended. We were friends and she had a life, thank God. As much as I enjoyed the time she dedicated to me, to our friendship, I didn't claim it in any way and neither did I expect her to stop whatever she had going on to make more time for me. After all, I wasn't able to do that either. All I wanted for her was to be happy.

'Alright guys, listen up. I got the rough schedule for the beginning of next year.' we were on our way to Detroit, having only 15 dates of Warped Tour left. Brian had been on his laptop all morning while we were sleeping in our bunks but now we were in the lounge, waiting for him to tell us the plans for 2006.

'Bring it.' Frank mumbled, still half asleep.

'Okay, we come back from Oz December 19th, then you start your Christmas holidays. We'll probably start pre-production on the new record in February and March, but we're leaving room for a few short notice shows just in case. Life on the Murder Scene is released at the end of March. We're obviously doing some promo for that. Then it's off to the studio in LA in April. We need to be done with recording and post-production by August. There are rumors they wanna book you for Reading and Leeds festival next year, that means that all the other big European festivals are most likely gonna want you too. We have to be ready for that.'

'Dude, that's a year from now. Why are you shitting yourself.' Mikey groaned, rolling his eyes.

'Because, this isn't Eyeball anymore. Warner needs us to deliver. You know the deal.' I told him.

'Anyway, we also return to Europe next month but the schedule will be tight. One day off in Paris though.' Brian looked at me, winking and I felt uneasy thinking about seeing Lana again. I was probably thinking about it too much but I still couldn't shake the feeling off of me.

*

'Didn't he say so himself? That he doesn't want you to be alone? You guys are friends, you can date whoever you want!' Célia threw her arms in the air and I sighed.

'Yeah he said that. But still. There was always this...silent agreement that we would...you know. Wait for each other.'

'Well that's bullshit. Lana, you're too young and too hot to wait for a guy that might never return to you for good. I mean what's gonna happen? He's in a band. He'll always be on tour, or recording, or busy with...I don't know, musician stuff. And what about all the groupies?! Why should he have his fun and you can't?'

'He doesn't have groupies. Gerard's not like that.' I said. I knew that for a fact and it wasn't me being naive.

'Whatever. Fact is, you guys are not going to be together. Not unless you move back to New York or he quits the band. You're friends, fine. But girl, you need to move on. I mean it. When's the last time you got laid?' she refilled her glass and stared at me, waiting for an answer.

'Umm...when I was with Gerard.'

'So, what? Almost two months ago? Lana, that's crazy.'

'No...' I almost didn't want to say it. 'Last time I was with him. In New York.'

'Are you fucking shitting me? Are you saying that you haven't had sex in two freaking years?' I nodded.

Célia's eyes widened and she got up, clearly frustrated with me.

'Listen-'

'Lana. No. No. No. No. Does he have a magic penis? Did he put a magic penis spell on you that prevents you from letting any other penis near your vagina? Did he?' was she waiting for a serious answer? 'Thought so. And do you honestly think that HE hasn't boned any other chick in two years? Believe me, you might get by without it but he's a guy and he wouldn't survive. So what in God's name are you waiting for?'

She had a point of course. And although I felt sick to my stomach thinking about the possibility of Gerard being with another girl, in two years, he probably had been. Even though back in February, when we had seen each other for the first time since I had left New York, he had told me that he hadn't been with anyone else, he could have lied. Or maybe he couldn't even remember. After all he had been drunk for a whole year after I had left before getting sober. I knew he wasn't into One Night Stands but he sure was into sex. He was too good at it to simply not do it. He wasn't mine. Looking back, he had never been mine. I didn't even have the right to be upset about it.

'I don't know. I guess I'm one of those boring people who have to love someone in order to sleep with them.'

'Well, Mateo won't be your date-friend forever. He's gonna want more. In all seriousness now, Lana, he's a good guy. And he's HERE. Not just for two days every couple of months, he's here 365 days a year. He really likes you. And I know you like him too. Isn't that enough for you? Have you thought about the possibility that maybe, Gerard is holding you back? That you could be perfectly happy with Mateo if you just...let him go?' she was trying to talk sense into me, I could feel it. But I looked down at Freckles, who was asleep at my feet and I couldn't even think about letting go. It wasn't as easy.

'But I love him.' I muttered, almost afraid to say it out loud.

'If you love something, set it free.' Célia replied, sitting back on the couch.

*

We spent the last two weeks of Warped doing interviews for the DVD and MTV. It was fun talking about the beginnings of the band and what brought us together as well as the inspiration behind the music and life on tour. But they also made me talk about my depression and addiction again and I tried my best to explain it in a way that would make sense to other people, especially kids dealing with the same shit. I wasn't ashamed of the issues I had, after all, I had learned from them and it had changed me, thankfully for the better. Maybe others could find some hope in that.

I celebrated my one year anniversary of being clean and sober. Ironically on this tour, the one I had spent completely drunk and high last year, to a point where I couldn't even remember half of it. We also celebrated my grandma's birthday and Lana remembered both important dates, calling me, and although there was still something different, something odd I couldn't quite make sense of, all I wanted to think about was seeing her again in just a few weeks.

'Are you gonna be in Paris during our time off?' my brother asked me. It was still a couple of months until then but he was already planning a holiday with his girlfriend and naturally he was curious about Lana and I.

'If she wants me to.' I answered, again, feeling weird talking about her.

'What's that supposed to mean? Of course she wants you to. She's crazy about you. That's like, your chance to get her back.' Mikey said, looking at me sternly.

Should I be honest? Tell him about the fact that something had changed? He'd probably just call me paranoid but I had to tell someone.

'Dunno if that's possible.' I sighed. 'Mikey, she's been kinda weird on the phone. I think something's up. And it made me think, maybe it's not good that I'm so invested in her. Maybe I should have moved on by now.'

'I do admit, it's kinda messed up that you haven't screwed any other girl since Lana. But whatever dude, just don't come crying to me when it falls off or something.' I rolled my eyes at him. 'Just...make a move next time you see her.' he added, trying to be serious again.

'We are friends. We agreed that we can't be more than that right now.' I told him.

'Fuck that. That was like 500 years ago and that was a bullshit idea. I'm telling you, you gotta make a move so she knows you still want her. Like, WANT her, want her. Otherwise she's gonna move on.' my brother's choice of words made him sound like a teenager but I knew that he had a point.

As scared and worried as I was that Lana would push me away, as complicated as it would be if we decided to be more than friends again, I had to do something before it was too late. And after all, we both knew we wanted more anyway. Why be cautious and waste more time?

So I arranged to leave for Paris right after our show in Zurich, arriving just after 2am to surprise her and give us some extra time to spend together. Whatever it was that made her act distant, we would be able resolve it. And then no more to-ing and fro-ing, I'd tell her how I feel once and for all and just kiss her. We'd find a way to make it work.

*

Mateo held open the door for me and I blushed as our eyes met. Maybe I would regret inviting him up to my apartment at this hour, especially after these kisses we had shared earlier in the intimate booth of the restaurant. At first I had felt guilty, had thought about Gerard, wishing it was him. But after a quick escape to the bathrooms where I had composed myself, I had decided to forget about him for just one night. Célia was right, what was the point in waiting for him, especially if the chances that we would ever be together again were so slim. At least for now, I had to live my life and not stand still and look behind me.

This would most likely be easier if we were tipsy but neither of us had had something to drink, me, for obvious reasons and Mateo because he didn't feel like drinking by himself. Like my mother, he assumed that it was due to the medication I was still on and I wanted to keep it that way. He sat down on the couch, petting Freckles who had gotten up from her bed as soon as she had heard me opening the door.

'Are you sure she doesn't mind me staying here?' he winked as I sat down next to him. Immediately his arms were around me, pulling me close. It felt nice but again I had to ban every comparison to how Gerard's touches had made me feel. So different.

'I'm sure she's okay with it.' I replied and kissed him before my mind could wander off.

He was a wonderful guy. Worked at a museum, had a big family, four sisters and two brothers, all very close to each other and his parents had been married for almost 40 years now. I hadn't met them yet but he was constantly talking about introducing me to them. It was something I wasn't ready for and I had told him. And while he pretended to be okay with it, I could tell that it was important to him. He was very traditional. Fun but old-fashioned. We had been on several dates now and today, for the first time, he hadn't said good night at the door. I knew it had something to do with me as well, always hesitating until now. But talking to Célia had changed things. Slowly but surely I had tried to distance myself from Gerard, at least a little bit. It wasn't easy but it was necessary right now. Being friends meant that we both had the right to see other people. There hadn't been any promises.

I could feel his warm fingers reaching for the zipper of my dress at the nape of my neck and his touches caused goosebumps. My stomach made a leap and for a second I thought about stopping him. I had only ever been with Gerard. And he had set the bar pretty high. What if I was only meant to be with him? The voice in my head laughed at me, laughed at my naivety, what a romantic fool I was. He had taken my virginity, not stolen my heart. Why was I being such a chicken about this? I could be with other guys, I belonged to no one.

Finally, I managed to dismiss my doubts, making room for nothing else but the comfortable warmth Mateo's kisses caused to rise in my stomach. I took his shirt off and was about to give in for good when the sound of the doorbell interrupted us, like the sound of an alarm clock waking me from a dream.

'Ignore it. Probably just some bored teenagers.' Mateo muttered against my skin but I pulled away.

'I'm just gonna check.' I got up and fixed my dress, much to his regret. 'Hello?' I said, pressing the button on the intercom.

Nothing.

'See?' he had gotten up and took my hand, pressing his lips on mine for another kiss. Just then, there was a knock on the door.

I pushed him away, turning around again to look through the spyhole. Fuck.

'Lana?' I heard Gerard's voice on the other side of the door, followed by another knock.

Notes

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