Login with:

Facebook

Twitter

Tumblr

Google

Yahoo

Aol.

Mibba

Your info will not be visible on the site. After logging in for the first time you'll be able to choose your display name.

Counting down the days to go

Ready

'FUCK THIS! NO! NO! DON'T YOU DARE! UGHH!' I threw away the controller and leaned back on the couch, frustrated that I had lost again.

'I told you I was good.' Amy laughed and gave me a smug look.

'You didn't tell me you were THAT good.' I shook my head, staring at the screen where she had beaten me for the fifth time in a row.

'Oh come on. Don't be a sore loser.' she smiled at me now and I couldn't help but smile back, forgetting about the game.

'I'm not. But I'm hungry.'

'Veggie burger?' she asked and I nodded. 'Loser buys.'

Amy and I were friends. And absolutely nothing more than that. Immediately after that first day she had spent on the bus with us, we had started hanging out. She was pretty, yes, but I didn't feel attracted to her. We had a lot in common and I could talk to her about comics, art, movies and music, just like I could with the guys but it was a breath of fresh air to share my thoughts with someone who had a perspective I wasn't familiar with and who wasn't familiar with mine. So we continued to spend time with each other, getting on like a house on fire. She was a lot younger than me, only 18 and I saw her like the little sister I never had. I didn't know whether she felt the same way but we had fun for the remainder of the tour.

Of course the guys teased me about her, constantly trying to encourage me to 'take a shot'. Everyone but Mikey. He knew that their half-hearted attempts to talk me into hooking up with Amy were simply being ignored by me. He knew that as much as I tried to forget about Lana, there was one thing I wouldn't do in order to achieve that - replace her. Was she even replaceable? At times I doubted it. I felt shitty then, convinced that I would never be truly happy without her, convinced that there would never be a girl like her in my life. Then I felt stupid, like it was the idea of 'the one' that I was holding on to, not actually 'the one'. I couldn't make sense of anything these days but instead of trying desperately to figure it out, I just accepted it. Whatever happened, happened. There was no point in trying to control it.

'So, I was hoping that I could maybe visit you in New York once I start college.' Amy said, slurping her slushie.

I was surprised but had no problem with it.

'Yeah, sure. You're welcome to come around when I'm home. But that won't be until after Christmas. We're pretty much touring non-stop 'til then.'

'Oh bummer. Well, we could spend the holidays together.' she said.

Truth be told, I was kind of looking forward to not doing anything for a few weeks. Maybe a couple of obligatory days with the family and then just me, the couch or the bed, some horror movies, some books and comics. No shaving, no tight pants, no eyeliner, no responsibilities. Hermit Gerard - the Holiday version.

'Not sure yet.' I simply replied, lighting a cigarette.

'Frank said Mikey's gonna be away with his girlfriend and you'll be all alone.' she made a sad face and I send a telepathic death threat to Frank for not keeping his mouth shut. I needed a good excuse but right now, I couldn't think of one.

'Well, it's still like...two months 'til Christmas? A lot can come up.' oh if only I'd known just how right I was.

*

There was nothing worse than realizing that you are spending time with someone who makes silence awkward. Mateo and I were on our way to his parents' house in Dieppe and had covered most of our topics of conversation in the first ten minutes of the over two-hour long drive. Which wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes, two people didn't have to talk all the time in order to create a connection. But then, there were these moments of silence which made every word or sound seem like a failed attempt to establish that connection but causing tension instead.

I could feel him looking at me, probably trying to figure out what to say to improve the mood but I stared out of the window instead, pretending to be interested in the passing scenery. Sometimes, being and interacting with someone was so easy, it didn't require a lot of verbal communication. I had this kind of relationship with CĂ©lia, sometimes with Greg, when my mother was absent. I had had it with Elena. And with Gerard.

But I would be happy, I told myself. This weekend, I would be happy.

Mateo's parents were as sweet as I pictured them. The moment I was introduced to them I could tell where he had it from. Although Mateo wasn't as crazy religious as his parents, he was even more polite than usual, choosing his words carefully. It was their way of life and they were aware of the fact that not everyone shared it and, unlike many people as traditional, almost old-fashioned as them, they accepted it and didn't expect others to agree with it. So although I automatically slipped into the role of the prim and proper middle-class girl from Paris, it was more of a reflex response than a requirement.

'So Lana, Mateo told me you lived in New York for a while. Wasn't it scary? I heard it's literally not safe enough to walk anywhere at night.' Mateo's mother, Carla, said during dinner.

'Oh, it's not that bad. I mean, obviously I lived in a nice area but I never felt threatened or anything like that. But it's just completely different. Fast-paced. Hectic. Loud. Bright. I liked it though.'

'Are you planning to go back sometime?' his father asked and the question made me tense up for a second.

'Umm, I don't know. I can't say. But there's still a lot to see and do.'

'Do you have a lot of friends there?' now I could tell that Mateo was getting slightly uncomfortable.

'A few.' I needed to change the topic. 'Most of them are in Paris though. That's where my life is now.'

'Aww, that's nice.' Carla said and I nodded.

After dinner, Mateo's mother showed me one of the guest rooms which she had prepared for me. I still felt awkward and like I didn't belong. Talking about New York had made me thoughtful. My life there had been so different. Not even because of the cancer, I had been a different person altogether. I couldn't pinpoint how, I couldn't even think of examples, I just felt it in my heart. All of a sudden, I realized what it was: I felt about New York how I used to feel about Paris. I missed it.

*

'I think we have Thanksgiving off. Yeah. But I haven't talked to Mikey yet.' I was on the phone with my mom, something I had tried to avoid for weeks because I knew how guilty she would make me feel for not calling more often.

'Gerard, we haven't seen you in almost three months. That's not acceptable. Why don't you come over today?'

'It's my only day off, mom. We're flying to LA early tomorrow morning. I really need to catch up on some sleep.' I heard her sigh, feeling horrible but I just couldn't stand the thought of doing anything.

'Okay....I see. But honey, please try to be here for Thanksgiving. You know how important it is to me. And your father.'

'I'll try my best, mom, I promise. Love ya.' I hung up and stretched my legs on the couch.

Why was everyone stressing out about the holidays anyway? It was fucking October. We still had a tour in Europe, Canada, another one in the US followed by a short one in Australia to finish before we could even think about having time off. And to be honest, I didn't even want to have time off. Before my last trip to Paris to see Lana, I had counted the days because my plan was to spend at least a few weeks with her before going back to work. Now, everything was different. The plans had changed. In fact, I had no plans. Other than the ones I had used as an excuse for Amy wanting to visit me instead of going back to Chicago at the end of her fall semester.

I still enjoyed hanging out with her but lately I had gotten the feeling she was becoming slightly too attached. Maybe it was just her age or the fact that she was about to move here by herself. Or maybe I was the only one who shared her interests. But spending time with her had gotten slightly exhausting. She was a lovely girl but I was the type of person who needed a lot of time to myself. Even when I had stayed with Lana, there had been days when we had just not talked a lot, when I had been lost in my thoughts and she had been lost in hers and eventually our thoughts had connected again, waking us from our daze. Amy would just elbow me in the ribs or wave her hand in front of my face until I paid attention to her again and I gave it to her, since I didn't want to be rude. My days off were sacred to me and I wanted to make the most of them.

I grabbed my notebook again and continued to scribble lyrics. In the last few weeks, a concept had started to emerge and although I wasn't sure whether I was consciously or unconsciously steering it in this direction, I liked it. It was my own personal conversation about the things I was most scared of. And it felt good to get it out of my system.

*

'That's not what good catholic boys do.' I giggled as Mateo sneaked into my room in the middle of the night.

'I know. My parents would be so disappointed.' he got into bed next to me, pulling me close. 'I'm so glad you came.'

I felt obligated to kiss him so I did and it seemed to surprise him as I pressed my body even closer to his, my hand slipping under his shirt to caress his shoulder. I tried to stop thinking the very moment he rolled on top of me, concentrating on the feel of his lips on mine. Feeling him grow hard against me made me feel anxious but I covered it up by smiling softly into the kiss. He still hesitated, looking at me as if to question me, as if to question my feelings and my intentions. It made me feel uncomfortable and I didn't want him to realize, so in order to distract him, I reached into his pyjama pants to wrap my hand around his erection. He moaned against my skin as he kissed my neck and I did my best to focus, desperately waiting for the shivers, the goosebumps, the butterflies, wanting it so much it hurt. My mind was racing but I couldn't make sense of anything anymore, I couldn't decide whether I should stop, admitting to myself that I didn't actually want it, admitting to him that I didn't actually want him, or not. So I tried my best to ignore it as I continued to touch him and he kissed me more deeply, with more urgency, as he pushed more and more fabric out of the way.

And then, I made the biggest mistake. I thought about Gerard. Imagined it to be him on top of me, him I was touching, him who was kissing me. It was the only thing I could do to stop me from pushing Mateo away or asking him to stop. The only thing I could do in order to enjoy it. Although he tasted different, smelled different, felt different, with my eyes pressed shut I was able to pretend.

But suddenly, he stopped. I opened my eyes as he removed my hand from him and sat up.

'What's wrong?' I asked carefully. Had he noticed that I had been thinking about someone else?

'We can't do this here. Not under my parent's roof. It feels wrong.' he replied, a smile on his face. I was relieved.

'Oh. Umm, sure. Yeah, you're right.' I muttered, buttoning up again.

'Plus, you're not ready anyway.' so that he had noticed. But being the gentleman that he was, he acknowledged it with acceptance. 'And that's okay.'

Why was it so hard for me? I had literally jumped Gerard, not questioning the fact that I was letting him take my virginity even once, on the contrary, I wanted him to have my everything, I would have let him do whatever he wanted with me. And now, with Mateo, I was acting like the biggest prude, like I had so much to lose. What was it? Had it been really just physical attraction with Gerard, had that made me act so recklessly? Maybe this was so much more than that and that's why I was so scared.

'I am ready. I want to be with you.' I whispered, wrapping my arms around his neck and he smiled, kissing my shoulder.

Notes

happy saturday everyone and thanks for reading :)

Comments

I love this story!

Jackie Jackie
4/11/18
@the_girl

I should hope so x.0
@xxstraightjacketxx
they have Freckles, that's enough
the_girl the_girl
11/19/13
@the_girl

they might want a pet magui.. but with magui comes great responsibility ;)
@xxstraightjacketxx
lol why would I put gremlins into their house?!
the_girl the_girl
11/19/13