Counting down the days to go
Just friends
I woke up to Freckles licking my face and when I finally managed to stop her, I realized that it had gotten dark already. After struggling to keep my eyes open for a while, I picked up the puppy, following the heavenly scent of food that was coming from Lana's kitchen. I found her there, cooking pasta.
'Wrong country.' I joked, my voice croaky from the sleep.
'Oh look at you, Robert Smith.' she smiled at me, pointing at my head. A look in the mirror revealed my more than disheveled hair. 'I hope you're hungry.'
'I'd eat Freckles' dog food right now, I'm freaking starving.' I put down the dog and she barked at me, obviously disapproving, and I attempted to somewhat fix the mess on my head.
'Let's avoid that.' Lana replied, stirring the pasta in the pan one more time before grabbing a plate. 'Here.'
It tasted delicious and was just what my exhausted, hungry body needed. After doing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen together, we played with Freckles and Lana was clearly proud to show off what she had taught her. As we sat on the floor opposite each other, rolling a tennis ball back and forth between us with Freckles chasing it, I realized that for the first time ever since we met, there was nothing keeping us apart. Yet we weren't together. And even that was okay, at least right now. Of course I was sad about it but I figured that letting it happen naturally, if it was meant to be, was the only sensible and healthy thing to do. I loved being with her. There was nothing forced about it.
We worked well as friends, that became clear during my stay. Although we spent our evenings watching TV in Lana's bed, I slept in the guest bedroom. There was no awkward tension between us, nothing we had to resolve or discuss. I missed her, wishing I could stay in her bed, hold her in my sleep but this was one of the things that had changed. For now.
'Are you ready for your second present?' she asked on my last day before I had to leave Paris. 'Get dressed, we're going out.'
I did as I was told, slipping into my boots as I watched her apply lipstick in front of the mirror in the hallway.
'Where are we going?' I wanted to know and she pulled a silly face at herself before turning around to look at me.
'You'll see.' she answered mysteriously.
And so we set off to the Metro. It was a nice day out, warm enough to switch the jacket for just a hoodie. A few teenagers recognized me on the train, asking for pictures and autographs and Lana decided to make fun of me for the rest of our ride. I liked it when she teased me like this because it gave away her true feelings for me, making her act like a teenager herself. And I sure did the same thing. Yes, despite the fact that we were good as 'friends', there was no point in denying that we were head over heels for each other, still.
*
I watched him curiously as we got off at Abbesses, waiting for a reaction as he looked around the station. He had the eyes of an artist and I knew that he had picked up the feeling of seeing something familiar although he had never actually been here before. He looked at me questioningly but I didn't say anything yet as I led him out of the station. We walked for about five minutes until we stopped at a cafe at a corner. Gerard still hadn't figured out where we were yet so we crossed the street and as we turned around to look at the cafe again, his eyes widened as he finally recognized the place. We were right outside the Cafe des 2 Moulins, the famous cafe from the movie 'Amelie' which I knew he loved as well.
'Oh that is so cool!' he smiled. 'Can we go in?'
'Sure! Let's have crème brûlée. It's supposed to be really good here.' I replied, happy about his excitement.
We sat in the cafe, of course in the most famous spot, right in front of the movie poster and I took out my camera, snapping a few shots of Gerard before he snatched it from me, returning the favor. After an hour of drinking coffee (Gerard), tea (me) and sharing a crème brûlée, we continued our journey, spending the whole day visiting locations from the movie. By the time we reached the carousel at Place Saint-Pierre, he was so hyper, smiling so hard that his cheeks must have been hurting. We climbed the steps to Sacré-Cœur located on top of the hill from which we could overlook Montmartre. After that, we skipped stones at Canel Saint-Martin - well we attempted to skip stones anyway and mostly failed due to the lack of the right, flat stones. Our last and final stop on our Amelie tour was one of the famous photo booths, where we took two sets of pictures, one for Gerard to keep and one for me.
'That was a perfect day.' he sighed as we got off the Metro back in Passy, just in time for dinner. We decided to stop and get crêpes, since he hadn't tried one in Paris before either. Both of us opted for the sweet version, Gerard choosing sugar, me going for my usual Nutella with bananas.
'I'm glad you enjoyed it. It's something I've always wanted to do, ever since I saw the movie. And when you told me that it was one of your favorites too, I knew we had to do it together. It took all the self-discipline I have to wait for you.' I grinned and he stopped to pull me into a surprise hug.
'Thank you.' he said, keeping his arm around my shoulders casually as we continued walking and eating.
Lots of first times with you, I thought to myself, blushing. Luckily, he didn't notice.
That night, he fell asleep in my bed and I simply couldn't bring myself to wake him and make him move. Freckles was curled up between us and I caught myself thinking how perfect it all could be if he didn't have to leave again tomorrow. I watched him sleep for a while, happy that he was happy, happy that he still wanted me to be a part of his life.
*
My flight departed at noon and I couldn't help but cry as I looked down on the city as the plane ascended, watching it grow smaller. I didn't know for sure when I could see Lana again, our schedule was filled until the end of the year and although there were a few stops in Europe planned, I had no idea whether or not I would have time to spend with her. These past couple of days had changed our relationship. We had started over and it had been just what we needed. But now I feared that we didn't have enough time to rebuild it all.
Understandably, I was in a bad mood as I met up with the guys to squeeze in a few hours of practise before the tour started. We were opening for Green Day on their American Idiot tour and it was a huge deal for us but I couldn't get excited about it. Even when I talked to Billy about the idea I'd had for our new music video, I remembered being much more enthusiastic when I had told Lana about it. The only time I was completely happy was when I was up on stage, looking at our fans, hearing them sing the words to our songs. It was then when I could forget about missing her, when I could forget about worrying about whether or not she would once again, wait for me.
April gave way to May and we played Bamboozle back in our home state of New Jersey but we didn't have time to see our friends and family, continuing the tour in the Upper Midwest and the Northeast with dates in Canada in between. After that we returned to California to do a few shows for radio stations and then it was already time to shoot our new video. I cut off all my hair and we all dressed up as soldiers, playing war on the beach. It was intense but so was the song and it worked together perfectly.
In June, we returned to Europe, stopping in Paris for a day and I invited Lana to a photoshoot we were doing, ironically in Montmartre, since it was the only chance to see her before I had to leave again. It felt rushed, wrong. She seemed distant, even when she ran her hand through my short hair, telling me she loved it, and I could feel myself acting distant too. Fuck, I thought. This was exactly what I had been so afraid of. Even though we had spent hours on the phone to each other before and after my brief visit, we needed more time. Time we didn't have.
Warped Tour started only a week after and I hadn't had the opportunity to get anxious about it. The first couple of shows seemed to happen almost automatically and I spent all my free time in the recording studio in the back of the bus with Ray. He was the only one who really understood me, the only one I talked to about Lana.
'Why don't you just tell her that you want her to move back to New York?' he said and I laughed, yeah if only it'd be that easy.
'Why don't I just quit the band?' I replied and he raised his eyebrows at me. 'Why should she make the compromise I can't make? I would never ask that of her. Just like she would never ask it of me. It wouldn't be fair. Plus, we're only just starting fresh.'
'Then what's the point?' he asked the question I was unable to ask myself.
'I love her.'
'Oh come on, Gee. And? This isn't some fairytale. You have to work for it. And if you only see each other for a few days every year, how is it gonna work? I hate to tell you but she's gonna meet someone else. You're gonna meet someone else. I know you like to think that she's 'the one' or whatever but you gotta take off your pink sunglasses and realize that it won't work. Face reality. Maybe it's just not meant to be.' that was definitely not what I wanted to hear.
That night, after the show, I called Lana. As I waited for her to pick up, I got ready to tell her. Tell her that she was more important to me than anything else and that all I wanted was to be with her. As a friend, as a boyfriend. I'd be whatever she'd need me to be. If that meant quitting the band, then that was the price I had to pay.
*
Shit. Three missed calls from Gerard. I had just finished an early ballet class when I saw that he had called. My students were in the locker room changing, so I decided to call him back although it was already way past midnight in his timezone. I wasn't even sure where exactly he was right now. Of course, he didn't pick up and I left a voicemail, apologizing for missing him and telling him to call me again as soon as he could.
The kids left, giving me an hour before my next lesson so I decided to go for a quick walk with Freckles, who I had brought with me to school today. As we strolled through the park I wondered what Gerard had wanted. I knew the band were doing Warped Tour right now and for a moment I got worried, knowing that he had been nervous about it. I remembered his wasted phone calls in the middle of the night the year before, slurring his speech, crying, screaming, telling me he was sorry over and over again. But no, he was sober. And I knew the guys were being supportive, in fact, they didn't even bring alcohol on the bus to make it easier for him. He was so sure about staying sober, not tempted by anything to go back to his old ways. So what else could it be?
'Lana?' a familiar voice interrupted my thoughts. Mateo stood in front of me.
'Oh hey!' I greeted him, still distracted.
'Sorry, I didn't mean to jolt you out of your daydreams.' he smiled and now I realized that he was holding a leash as well. As I looked down, I saw that a German Shepard was sniffing Freckles' hello.
'No, it's okay. I was just, thinking about something. Um, how are you? Is that your dog?' I asked.
'My brother's actually. I would never name a dog Nikita.' he laughed. 'But, I'm doing great. How about you?'
I warmed up to him a little bit, actually glad that I had someone to distract me for a moment. 'I'm fine. This is Freckles.'
'Noah mentioned you had a puppy.'
Oh. So Noah was still talking to him about me? That was weird. Since he knew that Gerard was back in my life. It was either him updating Mateo on my life or Mateo asking about me. Either way, it confused me.
'Hmm. Did he now.' I mumbled, already absent-minded again.
'I asked. I just...well, to be honest, I asked him if he thought that there was a chance that we could go out again some time.' dear God, what? We'd had one date. Set up by Noah and Célia and yes, it was fun, I enjoyed myself but, what was the point in giving it another try?
'Umm, I'm not sure.' I was about to tell him that I had a boyfriend now, tell a little white lie. Or that there was someone I was in love with. For some reason though, I didn't. 'Maybe. Not a date though. Just as friends.'
He smiled broadly and I didn't know whether I was happy with my decision to go out with him or if I regretted it. I definitely took the 'just as friends' part very seriously. There was no chance that it could be more than that, ever.
'Wrong country.' I joked, my voice croaky from the sleep.
'Oh look at you, Robert Smith.' she smiled at me, pointing at my head. A look in the mirror revealed my more than disheveled hair. 'I hope you're hungry.'
'I'd eat Freckles' dog food right now, I'm freaking starving.' I put down the dog and she barked at me, obviously disapproving, and I attempted to somewhat fix the mess on my head.
'Let's avoid that.' Lana replied, stirring the pasta in the pan one more time before grabbing a plate. 'Here.'
It tasted delicious and was just what my exhausted, hungry body needed. After doing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen together, we played with Freckles and Lana was clearly proud to show off what she had taught her. As we sat on the floor opposite each other, rolling a tennis ball back and forth between us with Freckles chasing it, I realized that for the first time ever since we met, there was nothing keeping us apart. Yet we weren't together. And even that was okay, at least right now. Of course I was sad about it but I figured that letting it happen naturally, if it was meant to be, was the only sensible and healthy thing to do. I loved being with her. There was nothing forced about it.
We worked well as friends, that became clear during my stay. Although we spent our evenings watching TV in Lana's bed, I slept in the guest bedroom. There was no awkward tension between us, nothing we had to resolve or discuss. I missed her, wishing I could stay in her bed, hold her in my sleep but this was one of the things that had changed. For now.
'Are you ready for your second present?' she asked on my last day before I had to leave Paris. 'Get dressed, we're going out.'
I did as I was told, slipping into my boots as I watched her apply lipstick in front of the mirror in the hallway.
'Where are we going?' I wanted to know and she pulled a silly face at herself before turning around to look at me.
'You'll see.' she answered mysteriously.
And so we set off to the Metro. It was a nice day out, warm enough to switch the jacket for just a hoodie. A few teenagers recognized me on the train, asking for pictures and autographs and Lana decided to make fun of me for the rest of our ride. I liked it when she teased me like this because it gave away her true feelings for me, making her act like a teenager herself. And I sure did the same thing. Yes, despite the fact that we were good as 'friends', there was no point in denying that we were head over heels for each other, still.
*
I watched him curiously as we got off at Abbesses, waiting for a reaction as he looked around the station. He had the eyes of an artist and I knew that he had picked up the feeling of seeing something familiar although he had never actually been here before. He looked at me questioningly but I didn't say anything yet as I led him out of the station. We walked for about five minutes until we stopped at a cafe at a corner. Gerard still hadn't figured out where we were yet so we crossed the street and as we turned around to look at the cafe again, his eyes widened as he finally recognized the place. We were right outside the Cafe des 2 Moulins, the famous cafe from the movie 'Amelie' which I knew he loved as well.
'Oh that is so cool!' he smiled. 'Can we go in?'
'Sure! Let's have crème brûlée. It's supposed to be really good here.' I replied, happy about his excitement.
We sat in the cafe, of course in the most famous spot, right in front of the movie poster and I took out my camera, snapping a few shots of Gerard before he snatched it from me, returning the favor. After an hour of drinking coffee (Gerard), tea (me) and sharing a crème brûlée, we continued our journey, spending the whole day visiting locations from the movie. By the time we reached the carousel at Place Saint-Pierre, he was so hyper, smiling so hard that his cheeks must have been hurting. We climbed the steps to Sacré-Cœur located on top of the hill from which we could overlook Montmartre. After that, we skipped stones at Canel Saint-Martin - well we attempted to skip stones anyway and mostly failed due to the lack of the right, flat stones. Our last and final stop on our Amelie tour was one of the famous photo booths, where we took two sets of pictures, one for Gerard to keep and one for me.
'That was a perfect day.' he sighed as we got off the Metro back in Passy, just in time for dinner. We decided to stop and get crêpes, since he hadn't tried one in Paris before either. Both of us opted for the sweet version, Gerard choosing sugar, me going for my usual Nutella with bananas.
'I'm glad you enjoyed it. It's something I've always wanted to do, ever since I saw the movie. And when you told me that it was one of your favorites too, I knew we had to do it together. It took all the self-discipline I have to wait for you.' I grinned and he stopped to pull me into a surprise hug.
'Thank you.' he said, keeping his arm around my shoulders casually as we continued walking and eating.
Lots of first times with you, I thought to myself, blushing. Luckily, he didn't notice.
That night, he fell asleep in my bed and I simply couldn't bring myself to wake him and make him move. Freckles was curled up between us and I caught myself thinking how perfect it all could be if he didn't have to leave again tomorrow. I watched him sleep for a while, happy that he was happy, happy that he still wanted me to be a part of his life.
*
My flight departed at noon and I couldn't help but cry as I looked down on the city as the plane ascended, watching it grow smaller. I didn't know for sure when I could see Lana again, our schedule was filled until the end of the year and although there were a few stops in Europe planned, I had no idea whether or not I would have time to spend with her. These past couple of days had changed our relationship. We had started over and it had been just what we needed. But now I feared that we didn't have enough time to rebuild it all.
Understandably, I was in a bad mood as I met up with the guys to squeeze in a few hours of practise before the tour started. We were opening for Green Day on their American Idiot tour and it was a huge deal for us but I couldn't get excited about it. Even when I talked to Billy about the idea I'd had for our new music video, I remembered being much more enthusiastic when I had told Lana about it. The only time I was completely happy was when I was up on stage, looking at our fans, hearing them sing the words to our songs. It was then when I could forget about missing her, when I could forget about worrying about whether or not she would once again, wait for me.
April gave way to May and we played Bamboozle back in our home state of New Jersey but we didn't have time to see our friends and family, continuing the tour in the Upper Midwest and the Northeast with dates in Canada in between. After that we returned to California to do a few shows for radio stations and then it was already time to shoot our new video. I cut off all my hair and we all dressed up as soldiers, playing war on the beach. It was intense but so was the song and it worked together perfectly.
In June, we returned to Europe, stopping in Paris for a day and I invited Lana to a photoshoot we were doing, ironically in Montmartre, since it was the only chance to see her before I had to leave again. It felt rushed, wrong. She seemed distant, even when she ran her hand through my short hair, telling me she loved it, and I could feel myself acting distant too. Fuck, I thought. This was exactly what I had been so afraid of. Even though we had spent hours on the phone to each other before and after my brief visit, we needed more time. Time we didn't have.
Warped Tour started only a week after and I hadn't had the opportunity to get anxious about it. The first couple of shows seemed to happen almost automatically and I spent all my free time in the recording studio in the back of the bus with Ray. He was the only one who really understood me, the only one I talked to about Lana.
'Why don't you just tell her that you want her to move back to New York?' he said and I laughed, yeah if only it'd be that easy.
'Why don't I just quit the band?' I replied and he raised his eyebrows at me. 'Why should she make the compromise I can't make? I would never ask that of her. Just like she would never ask it of me. It wouldn't be fair. Plus, we're only just starting fresh.'
'Then what's the point?' he asked the question I was unable to ask myself.
'I love her.'
'Oh come on, Gee. And? This isn't some fairytale. You have to work for it. And if you only see each other for a few days every year, how is it gonna work? I hate to tell you but she's gonna meet someone else. You're gonna meet someone else. I know you like to think that she's 'the one' or whatever but you gotta take off your pink sunglasses and realize that it won't work. Face reality. Maybe it's just not meant to be.' that was definitely not what I wanted to hear.
That night, after the show, I called Lana. As I waited for her to pick up, I got ready to tell her. Tell her that she was more important to me than anything else and that all I wanted was to be with her. As a friend, as a boyfriend. I'd be whatever she'd need me to be. If that meant quitting the band, then that was the price I had to pay.
*
Shit. Three missed calls from Gerard. I had just finished an early ballet class when I saw that he had called. My students were in the locker room changing, so I decided to call him back although it was already way past midnight in his timezone. I wasn't even sure where exactly he was right now. Of course, he didn't pick up and I left a voicemail, apologizing for missing him and telling him to call me again as soon as he could.
The kids left, giving me an hour before my next lesson so I decided to go for a quick walk with Freckles, who I had brought with me to school today. As we strolled through the park I wondered what Gerard had wanted. I knew the band were doing Warped Tour right now and for a moment I got worried, knowing that he had been nervous about it. I remembered his wasted phone calls in the middle of the night the year before, slurring his speech, crying, screaming, telling me he was sorry over and over again. But no, he was sober. And I knew the guys were being supportive, in fact, they didn't even bring alcohol on the bus to make it easier for him. He was so sure about staying sober, not tempted by anything to go back to his old ways. So what else could it be?
'Lana?' a familiar voice interrupted my thoughts. Mateo stood in front of me.
'Oh hey!' I greeted him, still distracted.
'Sorry, I didn't mean to jolt you out of your daydreams.' he smiled and now I realized that he was holding a leash as well. As I looked down, I saw that a German Shepard was sniffing Freckles' hello.
'No, it's okay. I was just, thinking about something. Um, how are you? Is that your dog?' I asked.
'My brother's actually. I would never name a dog Nikita.' he laughed. 'But, I'm doing great. How about you?'
I warmed up to him a little bit, actually glad that I had someone to distract me for a moment. 'I'm fine. This is Freckles.'
'Noah mentioned you had a puppy.'
Oh. So Noah was still talking to him about me? That was weird. Since he knew that Gerard was back in my life. It was either him updating Mateo on my life or Mateo asking about me. Either way, it confused me.
'Hmm. Did he now.' I mumbled, already absent-minded again.
'I asked. I just...well, to be honest, I asked him if he thought that there was a chance that we could go out again some time.' dear God, what? We'd had one date. Set up by Noah and Célia and yes, it was fun, I enjoyed myself but, what was the point in giving it another try?
'Umm, I'm not sure.' I was about to tell him that I had a boyfriend now, tell a little white lie. Or that there was someone I was in love with. For some reason though, I didn't. 'Maybe. Not a date though. Just as friends.'
He smiled broadly and I didn't know whether I was happy with my decision to go out with him or if I regretted it. I definitely took the 'just as friends' part very seriously. There was no chance that it could be more than that, ever.
I love this story!
4/11/18