The One of Mine
What's the Worst That I Can Say?
My mother wasn’t there when I got home. Her new job was more demanding than her last with crazy hours and long shifts. She loved it though. My mom had been a physical therapist back in New York but had studied for years to become an orthopedic surgeon and when she got the position, we moved to New Jersey. I was happy for my mom and proud of what she’d accomplished but I still missed her sometimes. Ever since we’d been in New Jersey it seemed like I saw less and less of her.
It wasn’t a new feeling though, coming home and being all alone. Even if my mother was physically there she’d never be emotionally. I could never open up to my mom and let her in. She would never be there for me when I needed someone to talk to and she could never pick me up when I was feeling down. It wasn’t her fault though, it was mine for never letting her. I didn’t let her be there for me or cheer me up because I never opened up to her, so even if she was actually there it didn’t make a difference, she might as well not have been.
I went up into my room and set down my bag. It was still pretty warm out and by the time I’d gotten home, I thought I was going to die of heat exhaustion. Like always, I had to wear long sleeves to school and I was burning up all day. A few people had asked, “Aren’t you hot?” and I would lamely reply, “No, not really,” or, “I thought it would be cooler today.” No one pushed any further, they just accepted my weirdness and didn’t think much else of it.
When I got home though I couldn’t wait to take off my sweater. It was so hot in my room without my mother home to keep the house below freezing and I couldn’t take another minute of it. I pulled off my shirt and threw it in the corner leaving me wearing just a red tank top. Finally I was able to breathe a little. I normally didn’t wear tank tops at home unless I was sure I was alone. I didn’t want to risk having my mom come in unexpectedly and seeing my scars. Just in case though, I kept a zip up hoodie I could easily throw on quickly if I heard someone come in.
Since it was the first day of school my teachers didn’t give us much homework, just a few forms I needed my mom to sign. The day was long and boring. I barely said two words to anyone all day; well, except for Gerard. I thought back to our discussion in the art room during my free period. I still couldn’t believe I’d said so much to him, in fact I could barely stop talking. The only real reason I did was because he started walking toward me. It made me really nervous when he did that and I had no idea what he was thinking.
I didn’t know why Gerard tried so hard, why he kept coming back and trying to talk to me when I’d made it so obvious that I didn’t want to be around him. He’d come around out of nowhere, throwing himself back into my life, ruining my summer’s work of trying to free myself of him.
I sat down at my desk and pulled out my notebook. I hadn’t written much in the past few weeks because every time I wrote I feared it would be about Gerard. It was around mid-August was when I first noticed him popping into my stories. I’d added him into one story and at first it was just his name but soon evolved into me describing the character as Gerard. He had the same dark hair, same hazel eyes, and same captivating smile as Gerard did. I scrapped that story.
There was no denying that I was attracted to him from the moment I first saw him, but he would never know that. Gerard would never know about my feelings for him, how I’d actually wanted him in my life. I had always pushed people away but something about Gerard wanted me to pull him close and open up to him.
But then again, something else told me to stay away. All of my past experience would flash before my eyes and remind me of how in even the seemingly best of situations, things would always turn out wrong for me.
I liked writing about him though; if I couldn’t actually have Gerard, it was still fun to pretend. I’d write myself into the stories, changing my name God forbid anyone ever found my work, and make Gerard my boyfriend. I’d set us up in seemingly unrealistic situations with unrealistic outcomes. Every scene would be perfect. My life would be totally different in my stories than it actually was in reality. This Leigh, sometimes called ‘Megan’ or ‘Jane,’ was never sad, never picked on, and she certainly never cut. She had her dream boy and to be honest, sometimes I was jealous of her, but I tried to keep in mind that she was only a character, someone I’d simply made up.
In the middle of writing a sentence, I heard my window creek open. I turned quickly to see Gerard climbing in and sitting, not so gracefully, on my bed. I quickly grabbed for my hoodie and threw it on covering my arms before anything else. “Hey,” he said plainly as if he hadn’t just broken into my room. “You changed your outfit. I like it.”
I just stared blankly at him for a moment still trying to recover from the sudden presence of my neighbor and the near heart attack I got from trying to get my hoodie on in time. “How was the first day?” I couldn’t believe him. How did he even get up here and why did he bother to do it?
“Fine. How did you…?” I asked with obvious confusion and a hint of terror from his abrupt entrance.
“Oh,” he began. “The ladder on the side.” He pointed out the window as he said this as if to show me where the ladder was. I didn’t like that Gerard had just come into my room unannounced. I didn’t have my arms covered and if my sweatshirt wasn’t right beside me, he would have seen just how much of a freak I was.
Though I normally didn’t care much for what others thought of me, you’d be right if you guessed that it was different with Gerard. I wasn’t totally sure of my feelings for him yet but keeping everything as neutral and platonic as possible was best until I could figure myself out first. For right now though, I was mad at him. He came so close to seeing my scars and I couldn’t imagine what would happen if he knew.
I hadn’t really known Gerard for too long, and I hadn’t spoken to him that much, so I didn’t really know what he was like. He could be totally understanding about my scars, telling me that it was okay and swear his secrecy, never to let anyone else know. Or he could be like everyone else I’d ever met.
He’d find out about my cutting and run off to tell the whole school how much of a freak I was. Even Clare, my “best friend” back in New York, had freaked out when she saw the scars, running around telling anyone who’d listen that ‘Leigh’s an emo freak who tries to kill herself,’ which wasn’t true.
Though I cut, it was never to kill myself, I just wanted a release and physical pain was easier to deal with than emotional trauma. But Clare never understood, so why would Gerard?
He waltz over to me and looked over my shoulder and down at my desk. I quickly and urgently closed my notebook which was opened up to a page beginning with the words, ‘Gerard’s perfect hair lay over his perfect hazel eyes.’ I really hoped he hadn’t seen what was on that page; I would have been devastated if he found out how I felt, especially if it was from looking at my own writing.
“Oh sorry, bad time?” he coyly asked.
“Well kind of,” I said coldly. “Why did you just come in here? That’s not okay, you know.” I was a little upset that Gerard had just barged in without warning. If I didn’t have my emergency hoodie and scar cover-up plan at the ready, I could have been in deep shit. But, at the same time, it was nice to be alone with Gerard, despite how awkward I was around him and how mad at him I was now.
“I didn’t mean to…interrupt. What were your writing?” he asked.
“Nothing.” I kept my answer short but not so sweet.
“Okay, you don’t have to tell me,” he said with a slight chuckle and sideways smirk you just knew he used to act all innocent and cute. “I just wanted to say thank you, officially anyway. You know ‘cause what you said to Conner this morning was really rad of you, and pretty badass.” Keeping his smile, he gave me a wink, nudging my arm at the ending of his sentence, which made me withdrawal a little more.
I knew what affect Gerard’s touch had had on me in the past I didn’t want to go into la-la land again. It was hard enough to focus on Gerard’s words without falling into the hypnosis that was his angelic voice while I was in the real world.
I had actually almost forgotten about the exchange I’d had with the jock, supposedly named Conner, from this morning. I didn’t really think much of it after it happened because I was trying to forget about my lame comeback.
“Don’t worry about it.” I stopped, intending to end my response there but then finding myself ranting. “It just sucks, you know.” I blurted out rather unexpectedly catching Gerard by surprise. Although I didn’t talk to people much, I still had thoughts and I hadn’t really had the opportunity to share them in a while, so I guess I was just seizing the opportunity. Now I felt compelled to explain myself and for whatever reason, I did. “It seems like all the good people have to get shit on. It’s like those jackasses can’t find anything better to do than rag on…” I stopped myself when I looked back up to Gerard.
My eyes met his as he stood there looking at me. His expression was one of slight surprise mixed with something close to happiness but not quite as strong. “She speaks.” He semi-jokingly stated with a smirk and a little bit of a laugh. I looked down at my hands, trying to hide the probable flush of my cheeks, and to my surprise a smile. But this smile was different than those of ones I’d conjured in the past few years. This one felt… real.
“What was that?” he asked. I wasn’t sure what he meant so obviously my response was one of confusion. “What was what?”
“You just…smiled.” I caught myself there, wiping away whatever remnant of a smile might have still be left. Something about him mentioning it made me insecure about it, like it was a bad kind of surprise for him.
“You know, Leigh, I’m not gonna bite you. Why do you try so hard to avoid me? I’ve known you for like two months, I’ve only spoken to you a few times. Did I already do something wrong?”
I felt bad that he needed to ask this. I didn’t like the fact that I made Gerard feel down, especially since he obviously already went through so much shit of his own. But it’s not like I tried to make him feel this way, I didn’t know how to handle myself around my own mother, let alone a totally attractive and entrancing semi-stranger.
“No, you didn’t.” I left it at that, letting Gerard think what he wanted with that information. He looked down at his feet and nodded his head a little showing that he understood the topic should be left alone. Naturally the mood was instantly made awkward with neither of us speaking or looking at each other, although that may have actually saved us some awkwardness.
Suddenly a thought popped into my head. I debated whether I should ask, but the curiosity was killing me. I kept my eyes down but managed to quickly breathe out the words, “So, why didn’t you just ring the doorbell?” Though I wasn’t the best talking partner, Gerard didn’t seem to make it too hard. In fact, he may have been the easiest person to talk to I’d met in a long time. Plus, I really was curious about his method of entering my house.
He smirked in preparation for his sly answer. “Oh, it’s more fun this way. Plus there was the odd chance that I would have scared you,” he sighed and shrugged his shoulders before finishing his explanation. “But I guess that didn’t work.” I felt it again, my lips starting to pull up into a smile. I tried my best to fight it back but it was clear Gerard saw. He could tell I was lightening up, but I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. I didn’t want him to think he’d won, that I’d just be his friend now and everything would be all fine and dandy. If that’s what he had in mind, he’d be sorely mistaken.
“You’re smiling again.” He teased slightly.
Once I heard what Gerard said I tried my best to stop. I tried to keep my face stoic; I didn’t want to give away to Gerard how happy he made me. Sure he was probably the one person on the planet that could get me to talk even if only a little, and admittedly, I felt something close to comfortable around Gerard, but showing emotion was still so new to me.
“No. Don’t stop.” Those three little words broke me just enough. I felt my lips pull up again until I smiled at Gerard, though he still couldn't see. I kept my head down so he wouldn’t see it as much but still, he knew. It wasn’t much, a weak smirk at best, but for me it was a big deal. It was the closest thing to a smile or happiness I’d felt in years, and Gerard seemed to like it.
While it was a nice moment, there was still a slight awkwardness in the air which Gerard broke by saying, “Well, anyway, I just wanted to say thanks, and also invite you over? Friday, my house? You could come and meet some of my friends. Their pretty cool, at least I think so. Scary movies, punk rock music…what do you say?”
Wow. Gerard just invited me over his house. On the one hand I could say yes and get to spend time with Gerard. But on the other hand my conscious was telling me ‘no,’ that spending time with Gerard wouldn’t be good for me and would only end up proving to be a mistake. So instead, I gave the ‘best’ answer I could come up with.
“We’ll see.”
Gerard just nodded and gave me one final, notably weaker than usual smile as he pulled open my door. “Okay, hope you’ll decide to come though, you won’t regret it.” Yeah right. “Guess I’ll see you tomorrow then.” He said as he gave me one final smile and, if I’m not mistaken, a wink, before leaving my room and me to my thoughts of what had just happened.
For someone normally so antisocial, boy was I in deep.
It wasn’t a new feeling though, coming home and being all alone. Even if my mother was physically there she’d never be emotionally. I could never open up to my mom and let her in. She would never be there for me when I needed someone to talk to and she could never pick me up when I was feeling down. It wasn’t her fault though, it was mine for never letting her. I didn’t let her be there for me or cheer me up because I never opened up to her, so even if she was actually there it didn’t make a difference, she might as well not have been.
I went up into my room and set down my bag. It was still pretty warm out and by the time I’d gotten home, I thought I was going to die of heat exhaustion. Like always, I had to wear long sleeves to school and I was burning up all day. A few people had asked, “Aren’t you hot?” and I would lamely reply, “No, not really,” or, “I thought it would be cooler today.” No one pushed any further, they just accepted my weirdness and didn’t think much else of it.
When I got home though I couldn’t wait to take off my sweater. It was so hot in my room without my mother home to keep the house below freezing and I couldn’t take another minute of it. I pulled off my shirt and threw it in the corner leaving me wearing just a red tank top. Finally I was able to breathe a little. I normally didn’t wear tank tops at home unless I was sure I was alone. I didn’t want to risk having my mom come in unexpectedly and seeing my scars. Just in case though, I kept a zip up hoodie I could easily throw on quickly if I heard someone come in.
Since it was the first day of school my teachers didn’t give us much homework, just a few forms I needed my mom to sign. The day was long and boring. I barely said two words to anyone all day; well, except for Gerard. I thought back to our discussion in the art room during my free period. I still couldn’t believe I’d said so much to him, in fact I could barely stop talking. The only real reason I did was because he started walking toward me. It made me really nervous when he did that and I had no idea what he was thinking.
I didn’t know why Gerard tried so hard, why he kept coming back and trying to talk to me when I’d made it so obvious that I didn’t want to be around him. He’d come around out of nowhere, throwing himself back into my life, ruining my summer’s work of trying to free myself of him.
I sat down at my desk and pulled out my notebook. I hadn’t written much in the past few weeks because every time I wrote I feared it would be about Gerard. It was around mid-August was when I first noticed him popping into my stories. I’d added him into one story and at first it was just his name but soon evolved into me describing the character as Gerard. He had the same dark hair, same hazel eyes, and same captivating smile as Gerard did. I scrapped that story.
There was no denying that I was attracted to him from the moment I first saw him, but he would never know that. Gerard would never know about my feelings for him, how I’d actually wanted him in my life. I had always pushed people away but something about Gerard wanted me to pull him close and open up to him.
But then again, something else told me to stay away. All of my past experience would flash before my eyes and remind me of how in even the seemingly best of situations, things would always turn out wrong for me.
I liked writing about him though; if I couldn’t actually have Gerard, it was still fun to pretend. I’d write myself into the stories, changing my name God forbid anyone ever found my work, and make Gerard my boyfriend. I’d set us up in seemingly unrealistic situations with unrealistic outcomes. Every scene would be perfect. My life would be totally different in my stories than it actually was in reality. This Leigh, sometimes called ‘Megan’ or ‘Jane,’ was never sad, never picked on, and she certainly never cut. She had her dream boy and to be honest, sometimes I was jealous of her, but I tried to keep in mind that she was only a character, someone I’d simply made up.
In the middle of writing a sentence, I heard my window creek open. I turned quickly to see Gerard climbing in and sitting, not so gracefully, on my bed. I quickly grabbed for my hoodie and threw it on covering my arms before anything else. “Hey,” he said plainly as if he hadn’t just broken into my room. “You changed your outfit. I like it.”
I just stared blankly at him for a moment still trying to recover from the sudden presence of my neighbor and the near heart attack I got from trying to get my hoodie on in time. “How was the first day?” I couldn’t believe him. How did he even get up here and why did he bother to do it?
“Fine. How did you…?” I asked with obvious confusion and a hint of terror from his abrupt entrance.
“Oh,” he began. “The ladder on the side.” He pointed out the window as he said this as if to show me where the ladder was. I didn’t like that Gerard had just come into my room unannounced. I didn’t have my arms covered and if my sweatshirt wasn’t right beside me, he would have seen just how much of a freak I was.
Though I normally didn’t care much for what others thought of me, you’d be right if you guessed that it was different with Gerard. I wasn’t totally sure of my feelings for him yet but keeping everything as neutral and platonic as possible was best until I could figure myself out first. For right now though, I was mad at him. He came so close to seeing my scars and I couldn’t imagine what would happen if he knew.
I hadn’t really known Gerard for too long, and I hadn’t spoken to him that much, so I didn’t really know what he was like. He could be totally understanding about my scars, telling me that it was okay and swear his secrecy, never to let anyone else know. Or he could be like everyone else I’d ever met.
He’d find out about my cutting and run off to tell the whole school how much of a freak I was. Even Clare, my “best friend” back in New York, had freaked out when she saw the scars, running around telling anyone who’d listen that ‘Leigh’s an emo freak who tries to kill herself,’ which wasn’t true.
Though I cut, it was never to kill myself, I just wanted a release and physical pain was easier to deal with than emotional trauma. But Clare never understood, so why would Gerard?
He waltz over to me and looked over my shoulder and down at my desk. I quickly and urgently closed my notebook which was opened up to a page beginning with the words, ‘Gerard’s perfect hair lay over his perfect hazel eyes.’ I really hoped he hadn’t seen what was on that page; I would have been devastated if he found out how I felt, especially if it was from looking at my own writing.
“Oh sorry, bad time?” he coyly asked.
“Well kind of,” I said coldly. “Why did you just come in here? That’s not okay, you know.” I was a little upset that Gerard had just barged in without warning. If I didn’t have my emergency hoodie and scar cover-up plan at the ready, I could have been in deep shit. But, at the same time, it was nice to be alone with Gerard, despite how awkward I was around him and how mad at him I was now.
“I didn’t mean to…interrupt. What were your writing?” he asked.
“Nothing.” I kept my answer short but not so sweet.
“Okay, you don’t have to tell me,” he said with a slight chuckle and sideways smirk you just knew he used to act all innocent and cute. “I just wanted to say thank you, officially anyway. You know ‘cause what you said to Conner this morning was really rad of you, and pretty badass.” Keeping his smile, he gave me a wink, nudging my arm at the ending of his sentence, which made me withdrawal a little more.
I knew what affect Gerard’s touch had had on me in the past I didn’t want to go into la-la land again. It was hard enough to focus on Gerard’s words without falling into the hypnosis that was his angelic voice while I was in the real world.
I had actually almost forgotten about the exchange I’d had with the jock, supposedly named Conner, from this morning. I didn’t really think much of it after it happened because I was trying to forget about my lame comeback.
“Don’t worry about it.” I stopped, intending to end my response there but then finding myself ranting. “It just sucks, you know.” I blurted out rather unexpectedly catching Gerard by surprise. Although I didn’t talk to people much, I still had thoughts and I hadn’t really had the opportunity to share them in a while, so I guess I was just seizing the opportunity. Now I felt compelled to explain myself and for whatever reason, I did. “It seems like all the good people have to get shit on. It’s like those jackasses can’t find anything better to do than rag on…” I stopped myself when I looked back up to Gerard.
My eyes met his as he stood there looking at me. His expression was one of slight surprise mixed with something close to happiness but not quite as strong. “She speaks.” He semi-jokingly stated with a smirk and a little bit of a laugh. I looked down at my hands, trying to hide the probable flush of my cheeks, and to my surprise a smile. But this smile was different than those of ones I’d conjured in the past few years. This one felt… real.
“What was that?” he asked. I wasn’t sure what he meant so obviously my response was one of confusion. “What was what?”
“You just…smiled.” I caught myself there, wiping away whatever remnant of a smile might have still be left. Something about him mentioning it made me insecure about it, like it was a bad kind of surprise for him.
“You know, Leigh, I’m not gonna bite you. Why do you try so hard to avoid me? I’ve known you for like two months, I’ve only spoken to you a few times. Did I already do something wrong?”
I felt bad that he needed to ask this. I didn’t like the fact that I made Gerard feel down, especially since he obviously already went through so much shit of his own. But it’s not like I tried to make him feel this way, I didn’t know how to handle myself around my own mother, let alone a totally attractive and entrancing semi-stranger.
“No, you didn’t.” I left it at that, letting Gerard think what he wanted with that information. He looked down at his feet and nodded his head a little showing that he understood the topic should be left alone. Naturally the mood was instantly made awkward with neither of us speaking or looking at each other, although that may have actually saved us some awkwardness.
Suddenly a thought popped into my head. I debated whether I should ask, but the curiosity was killing me. I kept my eyes down but managed to quickly breathe out the words, “So, why didn’t you just ring the doorbell?” Though I wasn’t the best talking partner, Gerard didn’t seem to make it too hard. In fact, he may have been the easiest person to talk to I’d met in a long time. Plus, I really was curious about his method of entering my house.
He smirked in preparation for his sly answer. “Oh, it’s more fun this way. Plus there was the odd chance that I would have scared you,” he sighed and shrugged his shoulders before finishing his explanation. “But I guess that didn’t work.” I felt it again, my lips starting to pull up into a smile. I tried my best to fight it back but it was clear Gerard saw. He could tell I was lightening up, but I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. I didn’t want him to think he’d won, that I’d just be his friend now and everything would be all fine and dandy. If that’s what he had in mind, he’d be sorely mistaken.
“You’re smiling again.” He teased slightly.
Once I heard what Gerard said I tried my best to stop. I tried to keep my face stoic; I didn’t want to give away to Gerard how happy he made me. Sure he was probably the one person on the planet that could get me to talk even if only a little, and admittedly, I felt something close to comfortable around Gerard, but showing emotion was still so new to me.
“No. Don’t stop.” Those three little words broke me just enough. I felt my lips pull up again until I smiled at Gerard, though he still couldn't see. I kept my head down so he wouldn’t see it as much but still, he knew. It wasn’t much, a weak smirk at best, but for me it was a big deal. It was the closest thing to a smile or happiness I’d felt in years, and Gerard seemed to like it.
While it was a nice moment, there was still a slight awkwardness in the air which Gerard broke by saying, “Well, anyway, I just wanted to say thanks, and also invite you over? Friday, my house? You could come and meet some of my friends. Their pretty cool, at least I think so. Scary movies, punk rock music…what do you say?”
Wow. Gerard just invited me over his house. On the one hand I could say yes and get to spend time with Gerard. But on the other hand my conscious was telling me ‘no,’ that spending time with Gerard wouldn’t be good for me and would only end up proving to be a mistake. So instead, I gave the ‘best’ answer I could come up with.
“We’ll see.”
Gerard just nodded and gave me one final, notably weaker than usual smile as he pulled open my door. “Okay, hope you’ll decide to come though, you won’t regret it.” Yeah right. “Guess I’ll see you tomorrow then.” He said as he gave me one final smile and, if I’m not mistaken, a wink, before leaving my room and me to my thoughts of what had just happened.
For someone normally so antisocial, boy was I in deep.
I LOVE the way you've executed this one. It's done perfectly and characterization is just...magic. If you publish anything THIS SHOULD BE IT.
4/7/14