I spent that entire class period along with the rest of my day thinking about Gerard. Something about him changed the moment that guy had targeted him. He was brought to level grounds with me, suffering through the daily struggles of high school bullying. Gerard was a victim. Gerard was like me.

I barely heard a word any of my teachers said. All that was on my mind was Gerard. He distracted me when he wasn’t even there; I just couldn’t stop thinking about him. Even when I somehow managed to focus on something else, it would only be for a mere minute at most because Gerard would somehow find his way back into my thoughts. It was brutal really, having to constantly shove him out of my mind, clear my head of him so I could at least pretend to be getting something done. But it was no use, I couldn’t cope.

When the bell rang for lunch I was naturally dismayed. I didn’t want to go and sit alone at a lunch table while the other kids stared disapprovingly at me, and on the off chance that someone might try to get me to join them, I’d only have to go through the awkwardness of slowly revealing the dark, creepy girl that I was. To avoid all the animosity I chose to spend my lunch period where I usually did in my old school; the bathroom.

Today was one of those days that I didn’t want to eat anyway. There was something about the reality of just how harsh it was to be the new kid that made me feel sick. Just having everyone staring at me was enough to make me want to throw up. That, and because sitting in a nasty bathroom stall didn’t particularly spike my appetite.

The time was passed the best way I knew how. I dug out my pencil case and took the blade out of my pencil sharpener. I never actually used it, considering I preferred pens, so the only reason I actually bought it was to feed my addiction and get a quick fix whenever I needed it. I slid the blade through my arm and watched the blood converge on my skin. I sat and watched it gather in a little pool for a few minutes, loving the sight of my worries and problems taking the form of the red liquid and exiting my body. The first drops hit my shoes and made little splatters around their landing spots. Just a few more stains on my shoes and another memory permanently scarred on my arm.

With about half the period left I decided to get out of the bathroom. I waited as some freshman girls prettied themselves up, staring into the mirror and giggling before finally leaving. I rinsed off the blood, watching it flow down into the sink before patching up my battle wounds and tugging down my sleeve. I walked out of the bathroom completely normal with no indication of what I’d just done. That might have been my one of my favorite parts about cutting; as long as you didn’t say anything, no one would ever know. Sad to think there could be an upside.

I still didn’t want to sit alone at lunch so I avoided the cafeteria and walked around the school to try and locate my next few classrooms instead. I made my way from room to room trying to remember how to get to each location as I found it. I’d found my science class and went on to see the art room next.

Once I found it I saw that it was empty so I took a few steps inside to take a look around. I wasn’t the best artist, but I loved to make art. Although it would ever top the feelings I let out while writing, art was one of those releases where you could pour your emotion into a painting or sculpture and no one but you would know what it really meant. Almost everything I’d ever made looked like it had been done by the hands of a dyslexic kindergartener but I didn’t care; I loved to create and the feelings I got from doing it. I might even say that if I sat down and sketched, sometimes I lost the need to cut, but that didn’t happen often enough.

I walked further into the room and examined the work of various students, some very talented and some just as bad as I was. Still, I loved observing the pieces, wondering what kinds of emotions lied behind each brushstroke, each impression in the clay.

My eyes scanned a row of paintings until one caught my eye. It was dark with black paint taking up the majority of the canvas. The painting depicted a boy and a girl looking like they were just about to kiss, each with blood covering their faces. The girl was pretty and the boy was handsome, but not in the usual way. There was something different and almost macabre about their looks that which made them beautiful.

Each brush stroke looked effortless and precise, like who ever had made them hadn’t faltered once while creating their masterpiece. Every detail was perfect and clean, but there was still a chaos to the picture. The foreground was clear, just a bloodied couple; but the background was more hectic. Those brushstrokes were messy and frenetic, but they still seemed to fit into the painting.

Suddenly, I felt someone behind me. “Decided to spend your lunch period in here, huh?” I turned quickly to see Gerard standing there, looking over my shoulder at the same painting. His eyes met mine, a subtle smile across his lips, and neither of us said anything. I wondered if he’d followed me in here and how long he’d been watching me. I got that nervous feeling again, that uncomfortable and unfamiliar self-conscious feeling Gerard always gave me.

“Like it?” he asked plainly, nodding to the painting of the boy and the girl. I did like it, I thought it was the most beautiful piece of artwork I’d ever seen, not just coming from a high school standpoint. It was good enough to be a professional painting, worthy of being in a gallery. If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought that it was some rare, one of a kind, totally priceless piece of art that was created by a master artist with decades of experience.

But it wasn’t. It was made by Gerard.

As I looked back onto the painting, my eyes were drawn downward, landing on the curvy and slightly messy cursive that spelt out ‘G. Way.’ At first I couldn’t believe it; maybe it was a coincidence that someone would have the same first initial and last name as Gerard. There was just no way in hell that a high school boy possibly could have produced such a gorgeous work of art, but my doubts were disproven.

I spoke up, probably the first time I’d ever done so on my own accord. I was a little surprised with my sudden change in confidence, although around Gerard I seemed to act differently, so it wasn’t that big of a shock. “I do, it’s really...” I had no words to describe it. It was dark and beautiful, macabre and depressing, but yet I couldn’t get my mouth to express any of these thoughts.

With all these thoughts racing around my head, I blame not thinking straight for what I did next. “Did you paint it?” I wasn’t sure why I’d asked him that, why I’d kept the conversation going. I was more relaxed around Gerard, I didn’t feel like he had anything against me, or thought I was a freak. I barely ever said two words to him yet he’d still come back to me, still wanted to talk to me. He wasn’t going to give up so easily with me like I was willing to do with him. No one had ever tried this hard for me; it was so new to me, and I kind of liked it.

“Yeah. It’s not my best work but...” He looked down at his feet, crestfallen by his own creation. I was a little disappointed to hear that; actually, I was angry. Angry that he would think less of himself in any way. How could he think that his work wasn’t up to some bullshit par?

I could barely stop myself before the words fueled by ire and frustration spilled out of my mouth. Avoiding eye contact I rambled on, “What? Gerard, this is beautiful. It’s dark and deep yet simple and thought provoking. I was just…” I stopped and looked up when Gerard stepped toward me. It was one thing to talk to him, but to be so near to him made me witless. I completely lost my train of thought as he walked one, two steps closer to me.

Normally I would have instinctively backed away, but my instincts were changing and it was because of Gerard.

I’d barely known him at all and he already had me stumbling over myself. I was clumsy in love, but I had to hide it. I couldn’t risk any emotion getting past the wall, I knew that once a little slipped, the rest would come pouring after. I couldn’t handle that, not alone, and it’s not like I had anyone to help me. I would be alone for the rest of my life with no one there for me when I needed them. That’s why I kept everything inside, so I wouldn’t need anyone.

“Leigh?” There were only inches left between Gerard and me. I could hear his quiet, shaky breathing above the silence of the room. Or was it mine? I wanted so badly to walk away, to free myself from the awkward situation. But I couldn’t move. I was trapped by Gerard both mentally and physically; sure I could have stepped around him but since he was fucking with my mind so much, it made my feet a little stupid too. I couldn’t bring myself to look at Gerard either. I was frozen solid where I stood and I thought nothing would be able to make me move. Then the bell rang.

I was thrown out of my daze and reality came back to me once again. Kids started to enter the art room and Gerard stepped away from me without another word. I stood there for a second before I was finally able to control my feet and make them walk forwards and out of the room. I looked back one final time to see Gerard walking the opposite way down the hall.
I hated him, I hated the effect he had on me. He made it difficult to stay away, avoid a friendship. He didn’t see it but being around me would only hurt him when he met the real me and saw my very real scars.

Notes

*I do not own the rights to the painting mentioned in this chapter (the Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge cover.)*

In all honesty, this isn't my favorite chapter. The writing is sloppy and my thoughts are all over the place, but I tried and tried to edit it and after a week of reading it over and over and rewriting and fixing it, I figured that this is as good as it's gonna get. I've just been super busy lately with college apps and general school work, but I hope you'll enjoy it anyway. I promise that the rest of the chapters are definitely better than this atrocity. See ya next week!!!