That summer passed slowly and uneventfully. I’d finally made it to the store and picked out some deep red paint which now covered my walls. The color peeked through what little parts of my room weren’t covered with all of my old decorations. I finally had the feeling of home again, even if everything wasn’t exactly the same. It almost gave me hope that things wouldn’t be so bad, but of course that feeling didn’t last very long.

I spent most of my days in my bedroom either writing or reading. There wasn’t much else I could do. I didn’t have any friends to do anything with, so I figured that I would seize the opportunity to start a few new stories and clean up and edit some old ones. I enjoyed my solitude, no one distracting me. Just me, my notebooks and Microsoft Word was all I needed to make myself 'happy.'

As the summer came to a close, I began dreading the inevitable; school. I would start my eleventh grade school year in less than a week and I was not a happy camper about it. I had met one senior who was to be my ‘Big Buddy’ of sorts. It was a standard practice at this new school for all new students and incoming freshman to be paired up with an older student to show them the ropes. My guy’s name was Paul and he seemed cool enough. We hadn’t really talked much, only once when he had given me a tour of the school. It was a nice change to be around someone who didn’t know about my past and had nothing to judge me on, but still, I had no intention of keeping Paul around. I’d last seen him about two weeks ago and it was likely to be the last time I’d ever see him at all.

My mom had tried to get me out of the house on numerous occasions saying that I needed to get out and that I couldn’t spend my whole summer locked away from society. I begged to differ.

I gave in every once in a while, tagging along with her to the store or joining her to get our nails done. It wasn’t so bad, but when she suggested I go over and ask Gerard if he wanted to spend the day with me was when I drew the line.

I wasn’t going to go over and voluntarily spend time with Gerard; doing that would be the biggest mistake of my New Jersey life. Making friends with Gerard now would only make things tougher later on when he decided I wasn’t someone he wanted to hang out with. I’d been through it a hundred times and didn’t want to make it a hundred and one.

As my last few days of freedom passed I couldn’t help but worry. Sure, at this point I couldn’t have given any less of a fuck about what other kids thought of me, but for some reason I was still nervous about the first day. In my old school I was always known for being the weird emo freak who just kept to herself and suffered through all the bullying that was thrown at her, but here in New Jersey no one knew that.

Essentially I’d be a nobody like in New York, the only difference now being that in New Jersey, I was a nobody with potential. No one knew of all the shit that I’d gone through in the past or my reputation that I had built. I could have been anyone. It was likely that every social group in the school would try their hardest to suck me into their lame vortex, but not if I could help it. This school would probably just end up being the same as my last, where I’d sit alone and keep up my wall, letting no one in.

Before I knew it, the time had come to see if I was right.

My alarm clock beeped loudly at six in the morning on my first day of school, but I was already awake. Along with self-harm I also suffered from insomnia. It wasn’t generally too bad but it got worse before big events, such as the first day at a new school in a new state. I tapped the ‘off’ button silencing the shrill beeping as I swung my legs off the bed. The floor was cold against my feet probably because my mother kept the house the same temperature as Antarctica. I didn’t mind much considering I always wore sleeves anyway, but sometimes it got to be a little much, even for me.

Most girls would wake up the morning of the first day of school and rush to get everything done. They’d shower and dry their hair before styling the shit out of it making sure every single strand was held perfectly in place. They’d cake on loads of makeup in an effort to look supermodel gorgeous without a single flaw on their pretty little faces. They would finally tear apart their closets and drawers searching for the most perfect and pretty top to pair with their skin tight, curvy jeans before throwing it on, tugging at every crease.

I was nothing like those other girls.

I slowly made my way to the bathroom and got in the shower. I didn’t take very long and when I got out, I barley cared enough to dry my hair, so I didn’t. I didn’t mind letting it dry on its own, in fact I kind of liked the bit of curl my hair had to it. I didn’t care too much about what I wore seeing as I didn’t have anything too impressive anyway. I pulled out a black and white stripped tee shirt, long sleeved of course, and threw it on along with some black jeans. I felt like it would be almost unfair to try too hard on the first day, lying to my teachers under the impression that I could actually give a fuck.

I slipped on my black high tops, not bothering to tie them. I could see all the little droplets of blood, all oxygenated to varying shades of brown and red. No one would know if it was blood or dirt and I was sure that no one would care. I gave myself one final look in the mirror and thought, this is as good as it’s gonna get.

With about ten minutes left before I planned to leave for school, I went downstairs to see if my mom was up. She’d always loved being awake early in the mornings. I don’t know why anyone would. I walked into the kitchen to find her sitting on a stool at the counter reading some article in a home décor magazine.

“Good morning, Leigh. How’d you sleep?” My mom didn’t know about my insomnia or that on any given night I’d only get between three and five hours of sleep if I was lucky, and she’d be disappointed to hear that the previous night I’d only gotten two and a half. So I lied. “Great, thanks.”

“Are you ready for your first day?” she asked.

No. “Uh yeah. I think I’m just gonna walk to school today.”

“Oh, what’s his name? Gerard? He offered to take you in the mornings, he’ll be here any minute.” What? When was she going to tell me this? Gerard was going to drive me to school? Why? I was so committed to not speaking with him, not even looking at him, and now I’d be forced to ride into school with him, and not just today, but every morning. I knew that he wouldn’t just sit there and accept the awkward silence, he’d try to start conversation and I didn’t want to participate. Even though I hated talking to people, I wasn’t rude and hated making people feel disliked even more, probably because that’s all anyone had ever done to me. But still, I couldn’t fathom spending the mornings with him and having to survive his presence.

Maybe Gerard would be different though. Maybe he wouldn’t be as much of a Chatty-Cathy as I thought he’d be. He’d tried to make conversation when he’d come over when I first moved to New Jersey, but maybe he got the hint, figured that I wasn’t very talkative and would leave me alone.

My thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door. My mother nodded to me, looking up from her magazine, hinting that I should get it. I slumped my shoulders a little and audibly sighed causing my mother to scold me. “Leigh, be nice. This is a very sweet thing for Gerard to do and you should be more gracious about it.” I straightened back up and continued my walk back to the door, rolling my eyes when I was sure my mom couldn’t see me anymore. I prepared myself to see Gerard, grasping the handle and pulling open the door.

The remainder of the summer had been good to him. He was the same Gerard I’d met those few months ago, but somehow he seemed different. He looked a little older and more mature. He was thinner and leaner than when I’d last seen him, his features in his face standing out more than previously.

Over the summer I hadn’t seen Gerard at all. I told myself it was for the better; shake off the feelings before I got too attached. I figured that not seeing him would only make my feelings for him dissipate, fade away as if they’d never existed, but now seeing him again only made everything come crashing back to me.

For a little while after meeting him, I’d spend entire days just thinking about Gerard. I recalled every one of his perfect features in vivid detail. I’d hear his angelic voice play over and over again in my head as if he were sitting right next to me again. I really started to get worried though when one day I found myself writing a story, naming one of the characters after Gerard. It was a classic boy meets girl, they fall in love, blah, blah, blah, kind story and, for whatever reason, I found myself envisioning the girl as…well, as me.

It was undeniable at this point that I’d fallen for Gerard. I never wanted this and I had always assumed that someone like me could never possess it. It was always one of those unattainable things, something I would never have, not even in my craziest dreams. I wasn’t the kind of person that deserved this, the kind of person who fell in love. It scared me because unlike any old friendship, love and crushes weren’t so easy to shake; once you were in, it was hard to get out. But still, no matter how difficult it would be, I’d shake my feelings for Gerard Way, but he definitely didn’t make it easy.

He stood there obviously waiting for me to say something, but took his own initiative instead. “Hey Leigh, haven’t seen you in a while. You ready for school?” I just stood there, not really knowing what to say. Conversation starting and participation weren’t my strongest abilities and around someone like Gerard - strapping, handsome and generally good-looking - they only seemed to grow weaker.

I suddenly started to feel…warm. Not warm like the room was hot, actually only my face was warm. Oh god, was I blushing? I felt my face heating up like I had a fever or something and I wondered if Gerard could tell. I prayed to God to make the room colder, or create a miraculous breeze outside, or something! I didn’t want Gerard to know I liked him.

He started smiling. He knew. He tried to hide it at first, the corners of his mouth tightening a little as if he were concentrating really hard on something, but he couldn’t hold it in forever.

His perfect lips pulled into a huge grin as he let out a soft chuckle, and not just any grin either. This one was a little devious, like he was completely aware of what was going on inside my head. I looked away quickly, only adding more awkwardness to the situation. Still looking at my shoes, I managed to mumble out a quick, “Yeah, I’m ready.”

He took advantage of the situation, teasing me a little. “Well it’s nice to see you too. Hey, it’s kind of warm in here, I think we should go outside.” I looked up at him and glared my eyes right to his gorgeous face. I was a little pissed that I hadn’t even started school yet and there was already one person taunting me, and not just any person, my extremely attractive next-door neighbor.

I ignored his little comment as I followed him outside. Gerard opened the passenger door for me, a sweet gesture that almost made up for his teasing a moment before. I still didn’t want to talk to Gerard though, not like it was really in my plans in the first place. His attitude only gave me more of a reason not to speak to him. It only made it easier to stay away from him, to not get attached. After all, if he was going to give me shit, there was no way we’d get along, problem solved.

I looked back to Gerard and instantly my eyes met his. For all I know twenty years could have passed, but all I could do was stare into his eyes. I could now see that they were a clear, deep hazel, the flecks of gold and green reflecting in the morning sunlight. My eyes didn’t move from his and I found him looking at me as well. He just stood there, unmoving, his eyes not faltering.

The awkwardness was broken when Gerard said, “Uhm, so we should get going.”

“Right, thanks.”

I climbed in the passenger seat, Gerard shutting the door after me then walking around and sitting in the driver’s seat. For a moment we both just sat there, neither of us really sure what to say. I wasn’t sure why he was acting so strange; he wasn’t the awkward one in this situation.

“What about your brother?” I suddenly asked noticing the absence of the younger Way boy.

“What?”

“Mikey. How’s he getting to school?”

“Oh, he’s still in the middle school, so my mom drives him in.” Gerard answered. There was really nothing more to be said about it. Mikey wasn’t there because he didn’t go to our school, end of ‘discussion.’

We found ourselves once again not saying a word, the only sound keeping our ears from ringing was the car’s engine quietly humming. I had never felt strange about not talking before considering it’s basically what I’d spent my whole life not doing. I gave the ‘talking’ thing a go and stuttered out, “So, are we, uh, gonna go to school then?”

Gerard’s attention snapped back from whatever daze he was in and brought his eyes in front of him. He looked out the windshield for a moment before realizing that a car has to be put in drive before it can be driven, so he changed gears and pulled away.

Naturally the car ride to school was uncomfortable. Neither he nor I said a word to each other and I got that strange feeling again; the feeling that I should say something. But before I did I thought to myself, if you start talking to him you’ll only end up getting attached, save yourself the heartache down the road and keep your mouth shut. So I did just that, I ignored the uncomfortable silence and kept quiet. Gerard wasn’t my friend and I would do anything to keep it that way.

When we got to school - which didn’t take long, ten minutes tops - we got out of the car. Gerard started to walk inside but stopped when he realized I wasn’t next to him. He turned around to see me staring blankly at my schedule. I didn’t know where any of my classes were considering I’d only ever been inside the school once before. My first class was in the B wing. This school had different wings? I felt Gerard’s presence beside me as he walked back and looked over my shoulder at my schedule.

I wanted his help in finding my class but I didn’t want him to think I was going to be this friendly to him all the time. I didn’t want to talk to him, I didn’t want to look at him, and I didn’t want to be near him. But still, as Gerard looked over my schedule I realized that it was only a matter of time before I was late to my first period class on the first day at a new school. I sucked it up and figured I’d rather talk to Gerard for two seconds than walk in late to a room and be that weird new girl everyone stares at.

“Uhm, could you…?” I heard Gerard chuckle a little; he probably knew exactly what I was going to say.

“Yeah, we actually have first period together so, let’s not be late.” He gave me a sly grin to go along with his sarcastic comment as he stepped passed me and headed once again into the school. I rolled my eyes as I followed a few steps behind him. I couldn’t figure it out. I didn’t know why I was so intrigued by him sometimes yet other times I wanted to punch him.

He was snarky and jaded, yet he could also be mysterious and entrancing. I hated it, but at the same time I couldn’t seem to get enough.

How was I supposed to distance myself from Gerard when every time I tried, something about him would pull me right back? I’d only talked to him twice in my entire life and for some reason I couldn’t keep myself composed either time. I stuttered awkwardly over my words and lost my focus. I liked to think that was just a side effect of my antisocial personality, so that’s what I told myself.

I watched Gerard as we walked through the halls, making sure I didn’t lose sight of him or get lost in the sea of teenagers. As we approached room 217 in the school’s B wing Gerard stopped and waited by the door to make sure I was still there. Once he saw me catch up to him he entered the room with me tailing behind. We entered the room and I could feel the stares. Every head picked up and I could feel everyone’s eyes on me, silently judging the new girl, predicting how I’d be.

When people started to realize that I’d come in with Gerard, the stares switched from curious to uninterested, and even a little repelled. Gerard’s mom had said that he wasn’t the most outgoing when we all first met, but I think what she really meant was that he was an outcast. He didn’t have many friends, didn’t talk to very many people. He wasn’t the first kid you’d go and sit with or partner up for a project with. He was like…me.

It was in this moment that I realized that Gerard and I had more in common than anyone else I’d ever met in my life. He’d probably been through some of the same shit that I had over the years. He’d probably be the one person I’d ever known who would be able to understand me. But still, even that wasn’t enough to get me to open up to him. I just couldn’t make myself take that risk.

I silently took a seat in the back of the class room, as far away from my new classmates as possible. Gerard sat so that I had a clear view of him from my seat, a little in front and slightly to the left of me. I found myself staring at him as I thought of how similar we were. I examined his features and now that I was looking closely, and we were in a school setting I noticed something different about Gerard.

Sure I’d only known Gerard for one summer, barely. I’d only seen him twice during that whole time, but I already knew every detail of him. From the day I’d first met him, every one of his stunning features became burned into my memory. I could effortlessly recall everything about him, well his physical features anyway. I knew all of his characteristics, every curve of his face by heart. I’d committed Gerard to my memory, and now that I was an expert on his being, it was easy to tell when something wasn’t right.

Normally Gerard had a sort of confidence to him, he sat up straight and held his head high, but here in class, surrounded by dozens of our teenage peers, Gerard seemed less self-assured. He slumped in his seat a little and glued his eyes to his notebook where he started to drag his pen across the paper. From where I was sitting, it looked like he was doodling some kind of dark, macabre drawing of God knows what. I always heard that people doodle their emotions, a theory I believed to be true considering most of my doodles consisted of sad girls with tearstained faces. I wondered if this applied to everyone; if it applied to Gerard. I wondered if he was feeling what he was doodling, if he was as sad as his picture was.

Some of my predictions of Gerard were proven true shortly after my minds barrage of thoughts. A big, jerky looking jock decided to make Gerard his victim for the day. He waltzed right up to Gerard’s desk and snatched his notebook away from him in one smooth, callous motion. Gerard didn’t even fight for it back, he just kept his eyes down and took it.
“Well, what has the little artist drawn this time?” he said just barely loud enough for those around him to hear, but not the teacher. Gerard just kept quiet, eyes down.

“She’s pretty. Pretty pathetic. Who draws this shit?” the jockey guy asked Gerard, not really expecting an answer. “I mean really? You have nothing better to do than to doodle your fake little emo girlfrie – Oh; I see it now. She’s not fake.” As he said this last part his eyes landed right on me.I tried not to react too much, keeping my eyes forward, but still feeling his gaze upon me. I could see him starting to walk over to me, dropping Gerard’s notebook and doodles onto my desk in front of me. I didn’t move my gaze though, I refused to look this ass-hole in the eye.

“Hey, honey. So what’s a pretty girl like you hanging around with a freak like him?” I felt anger start to boil inside of me. I wasn’t normally one to take insults or comments to heart, especially when they weren’t directed toward me, but when he called Gerard a freak, I almost flipped a shit. I took in a deep breath, trying my best not to make it too audible, I didn’t want to start something. Then I felt a hand on my chin and the jock guy lifted my gaze up to him. I slapped his hand away and glared at him, hearing soft ‘oos’ from my classmates around me. Through gritted teeth I answered his stupid question, and my response not only shocked me, but just about everyone else in earshot.

“He’s not a freak. You’re just an ass-hole who can’t appreciate the wonderful person he is. Fuck off and don’t talk to me or Gerard ever again, got it?” My facial expression remained stoic and unchanged. I showed no emotion, something I’d become very good at. The rest of the class on the other hand just sat there, mouths ajar, gaping at my retaliation. I kept my jaw clenched and my eyes locked on the jock guy. He started to form a comeback but just stormed off when he couldn’t think of a suitable witticism. I stared at him as he sulked back to his seat, mumbling to his friends who were more than eager to laugh at his failed attempt to bum out someone’s day.

When I was sure he was done with his dumb little antics I glanced over at Gerard. He was staring back at me with a new look, one I’d never seen on him or anyone I’d ever known before. I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was; apprehension, admiration, appreciation? I couldn’t see why he’d be apprehensive toward me, every time we’d ever talked, he’d been the one to start the conversation. I didn’t see what in me he had to admire and appreciation?All I did was speak the truth, make another person hate me, another person avoid me.

I kept my eyes on Gerard for longer than I thought. I just took him in. I memorized all of these new features. He kept his gaze on me as well and when it was apparent that neither of us were going to look away first Gerard mouthed to me, thank you. That’s when I averted my eyes. I’d never really done something for someone else before. It’s not that I don’t ever want to help people, it’s just that normally I wasn’t close enough to anyone to be able to help them; I mean, I wasn’t close to Gerard, but I didn’t have any reason to let him get shit on either. I knew what that felt like, and it sucked.

I guess it was because I had sat exactly where he was sitting, not literally of course. I had been that kid before, sitting in class minding their own business, getting called out by some ass-hole about my dark drawings. Sure, I wasn’t nearly as good or detailed as Gerard, but most people knew a skull when they saw one.

This got me thinking; that guy had said that Gerard’s drawing was of someone. He didn’t actually say it, but you just knew he was about to say ‘girlfriend,’ and then he looked at me.
I still had Gerard’s notebook in front of me but I didn’t want to look down, it wasn’t for me to see, it wouldn’t be fair. Still though, I couldn’t keep my gaze from dropping to my desk and slowly flipping open the notebook. I tried to stop but my curiosity was too strong.

There she was, or there I was. It wasn’t exact but it was definitely me. He had captured every detail, my hair in my face as I sat staring ahead of me, ignoring everyone around me. He even drew what I was wearing, it was obvious that it was me. There was something a little off about it though; even though I was certain the drawing was of me, it didn’t look right. The girl in the drawing was…pretty, every detail perfect and precise. Gerard exaggerated the picture; there was no way that he was trying to be precise, otherwise it would have looked worse.

As the class began and the teacher droned on about the course and supplies we’d need I couldn’t help but find myself staring back and forth between Gerard and his notebook and the drawing he’d made. She really was gorgeous; the girl in the drawing didn’t have one flaw, but the girl she was supposed to be did, she had many. Gerard only saw what he wanted to; he didn’t know that under those sleeves held a battle field of more scars than I could even count anymore. He didn’t know that behind that stoic face was a numb, lifeless girl who had more sadness and emotion than one person should have and couldn’t show an ounce of it. And he never would.

The bell signaling the end of the period snapped me out of my thoughts. Gerard quickly jumped up and headed to the door and I found myself rushing to catch up with him. He hadn’t gotten more than five feet down the hall when I caught his arm. I repressed the shivers and chills that I got from the contact of our skin. “Uhm,” I didn’t really know how to be the initiator of a conversation and it was apparent. “I, uh, you…Here’s your notebook.”

Gerard just faked a smile and took it, tucking it under his arm and turning to walk away. Don’t say a word, just let him go, I thought, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to just see him go.
“It’s really good.” I called after him. He stopped walking and paused for a moment before tentatively turning around, validating that I was, in fact, talking to him. I just stood there, probably looking as terrified as a deer in headlights. Gerard began toward me again, his face softening as he approached nearer to me. I felt my heart start to race a little as the distance shortened between me and this perfect boy. “Really?”

I swallowed hard, trying to find my words. “Really.”

“Thanks, it was just a stupid doodle though.” Gerard’s eyes moved away from mine. I knew he had drawn me and I didn’t know why, but the one thing I was sure of was that it was me. I wondered if Gerard knew, if he suspected that I was aware of exactly who was depicted in his drawing or if I thought it was just some random chick. But if he did know, did he think I was vain for liking it?

Why did I care what he thought anyway? Why did I take initiative to talk to him? My plan was slipping away, I was getting close to Gerard, but I couldn’t stop myself. I couldn’t help it.
Gerard chimed in again, breaking our silence and lightening the moment a bit. “Well I don’t want to make you late again. Let’s see where your next class is.” I shakily regained my composure and handed Gerard my schedule, our fingers brushing for just a moment during the handoff; a moment that felt like an eternity. He looked the page over and gave me directions to my next class, even though we didn’t have it together. I thanked him and went on my way, turning back once to see Gerard just barely slip out of view.

Notes

I didn't realize it until I went to edit, but this chapter is SUPER long, so sorry about that. Hope you'll all like it anyway. Send me feedback if you wish, I love hearing from everyone, and thanks for reading! See ya next week ;)