The One of Mine

Once he'd seen my scars things had changed with us. He knew my biggest secret and he didn't hate me for it. He didn't shut me out or give up on me because of it; he helped me through it and never let me be alone. I liked that he was so caring and willing to share with me about his own life, but I still wasn't ready to show Gerard my writing. The scars were one thing, the reasons behind them were another.

He took care to avoid the topic of my scars considering he knew how much I hated to talk about it. Instead he was my distraction, spending time with me doing things with me that made me forget about cutting in the first place.

I think the greatest part was that I never asked for this. I never wanted Gerard to be so supportive or nice to me or even talk to me in the first place, but that didn’t stop him. Coming to Jersey I never even wanted to meet anyone or interact with people at all, but now that Gerard was in my life, I was glad he’d been so pushy.

Gerard kept my secret well; he never brought it up and no one else knew but him and me. It was the way I’d wanted to keep it from the very beginning, even before Gerard knew, and though I’d always tried so hard to push people away, I was finding that having Gerard as a confidant, if nothing else, was surprisingly comforting.

I didn’t really know what Gerard and I were; we’d gotten to know each other pretty well so that had made us good friends, but then again, we’d also kissed a few times, which made us . . .

We had no official title, but neither I nor Gerard were really big fans of labels anyway. We spent time together and hung out and that’s all that really mattered to us; what would a name for it mean to anyone anyway?

In addition to distracting me from the horrors of my own mind, Gerard had taken on the unofficial job of introducing me to New Jersey. Though I had been living here for nearly six months now, I’d barely ever seen more than the school and my own backyard.

“Let’s go somewhere,” Gerard said unexpectedly one Saturday afternoon. He’d come over earlier that day and we both sat in my room studying for a French exam the following Monday. I sat, legs crossed underneath me, at the foot of my bed with my textbook open and resting on my lap. Gerard had settled into the spinney chair at my desk, highlighting some words on a page in front of him.

“Like where?” I asked in response to his previous question.

“I don’t know. Want to go to the park?”

“Don’t little kids go to parks?” I questioned Gerard, not sure if I wanted to go somewhere with a bunch of children running around us. “Not this one.”

“I don’t know, we have to study for Fre-” I stopped mid-sentence. What kind of teenager spends their Saturday studying for a French test? “You know what? Yeah, let’s go to the park,” I changed my mind, closing my textbook in front of me.”

“Sweet,” Gerard said, standing up from the chair and grabbing his jacket. I threw on my coat and followed Gerard out. I’d never been to the park before so naturally I had no idea where I was going, so Gerard led the way to the park that was surprisingly close to my house, yet somehow I’d never noticed.

It was pretty basic; there was a slide, a merry-go-round, and a swing set where Gerard and I settled upon sitting down. We swung gently back and forth as the cold January air breezed through the chains. As Gerard had said there were no kids at the park; it was completely empty, save for two older men playing chess over by the picnic tables. “So why don’t kids come here?”

“I’m not really sure,” he replied. “Probably because it’s kind of dangerous.” I looked at Gerard with wide eyes. He was choosing to tell me this now? “Then why’d you bring me here? Shouldn’t we not be here if it’s dangerous?” Gerard smiled and looked over to me, his eyes immediately meeting mine.

“Don’t worry, Leigh. I’m not going to let anything happen to you.” This was why I felt safe around Gerard; no matter what he never let anything touch me. He’d protected me from the most dangerous thing thus far: myself, and I had no doubt that he’d keep me safe from anything.

I couldn’t tell you how long we sat on those swings for, but judging by the numbness in my legs and the way my fingers had cramped from holding on to the chains, hours had gone by. All we did was talk; about school, about music, about anything. I’d never in my life sat and conversed with anyone as long as I had with Gerard.

We laughed. I laughed, a sensation I’d almost forgotten existed; a sensation that I’d forgotten what felt like. My sides were hurting, my cheeks were sore, but still it kept on coming. It was painful, but it wasn’t the kind of pain I was used to and addicted to for so long; this pain felt good. This pain was the kind that lingered, and when you thought back to it, all you could remember was the good. It was a pain I’d been missing out on, one I didn’t even know could suffice.

Gerard and I sat on the swings, smiles plastered on our faces. Even if I wanted to, which I didn’t, I couldn’t stop the smiling. Gerard made me feel too good, and when I was around him, nothing fazed me. “You have a beautiful smile,” Gerard said unexpectedly as our conversation was starting to slow down. I didn’t let it drop, I kept up my expression, showing Gerard how truly happy he made me, a word I hadn’t been able to use in a while.

“You made it,” I answered him. He had. Gerard had been the only person in years to ever make me smile, starting with those few pathetic smirks to the beaming grin I had on now. Gerard had saved my smile; Gerard had saved me.

As we sat there looking at each other, something caught Gerard’s eye. He broke his gaze with me and looked up suddenly. I followed to where he stared to see dozens of little snowflakes falling from the sky. It had snowed before since I’d been in Jersey, but there was an era of magic to this snowfall. I watched as the little white crystals fell softly and gently to the ground. Gerard’s dark hair was soon covered in them, putting contrast between his raven black hair and the delicate little flakes.

“Maybe we should get going,” he said, bringing his eyes back to mine. The sun was starting to go down and the daylight hours of the too short winter days were fading. It would be dark soon and Gerard had already said that Jersey wasn’t safe during the day.

We stood from the swings and started walking back toward our houses. The ground was covered in a fresh coat of snow, making the path a little slippery. I wasn’t really afraid of falling, but I didn’t protest when Gerard reached out and took my hand either. I looked at our interlaced fingers before bringing my gaze up to his face. He just looked forward, not even pretending to acknowledge the fact that he was holding my hand. I chuckled lightly to myself and looked back in front of us, keeping my hold on Gerard’s hand.

When we got to our street, Gerard walked me up to my front door. It was still snowing and the light had almost completely faded. Gerard’s eyes were bright in contrast to the impending evening sky. “Thanks for spending the day with me,” he said, still keeping his hold on my hand.

“I had a lot of fun,” I answered. “Thank you, Gerard.”

Our eyes locked for a moment and I knew exactly what was about to happen. I’d seen that look a million times but somehow it was different now. Gerard’s eyes pondered deeply into mine, a calm look on his face. He dropped his gaze for just a moment downward and I knew what he was thinking. Okay, so maybe I didn’t know exactly what he was thinking but I’d like to think that my next move wasn’t that crazy.

I slowly reached my free hand up to Gerard’s cheek, sliding my fingers along his jawline. He did the same, bringing his hand up to my face and tracing along my cheek with his fingers. He ran his touch along my face and lightly brushed his thumb along my lips. I couldn’t wait any longer. I didn’t care what Gerard’s plans were; I had my own agenda.

Before I could stop and think about it, I was kissing Gerard. I stood on my toes as I leaned forward and placed my lips on his, gently at first due to my complete and utter terror at what I’d just done. Gerard and I had kissed before but this was the first time it actually felt real. I was close to just pulling away and apologizing before it got any further but just as I was about to, Gerard let go and brought up his other hand to hold my face, bringing me in closer to him. I relaxed a little knowing that he was taking this so well. I wrapped my arms around his neck and laced my fingers together behind his head.

He continued to brush his fingers along my cheeks as the kiss progressed. For only my third kiss ever, I thought I was doing pretty well until Gerard started to get creative. I felt his lips part slightly and then something wet on my bottom lip. It was his tongue and he was asking my permission.

I pulled away not knowing how to properly react to this. “What are you doing?” I asked trying not to sound completely terrified of his answer.

“Kissing you.” He replied smoothly, as if it was obvious, because well, it was.
“Yeah, I got that part, but what about the other thing?”

“What other thing?” Oh, like he didn’t know exactly what I was talking about.

“That thing with . . . your tongue. What was that?” He blushed a little and looked to the side, avoiding my eye contact.

“Oh, that,” he started. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it; you’re just so . . . I was moving too fast. I understand if you want to take your time. I don’t want to rush y-” But before he could finish his sentence, I silenced him with my lips. I still had my hands around his neck so it was pretty easy to just pull him back in and shut him up. I didn’t think Gerard was moving too fast. In fact, he had no idea how long I’d waited for this. I kissed him once, pulling away after a brief moment, but Gerard had other plans.

He pulled me back in again, kissing me once more. He slipped his tongue into my mouth successfully this time. I’d never done this before and I wasn’t sure how to, you know . . . kiss with your tongue, but thankfully Gerard knew this; after all, he was the only other person I’d ever kissed in my entire life. He was gentle and didn’t try anything too crazy with me and after we pulled away we just looked at each other, a silent mutual knowing of each other’s feelings.

And I had to say, it felt pretty damn good. He didn’t say anything but somehow I knew what he was thinking. We both just stood there, and despite not knowing what we were at this point, I did know one thing; Gerard was my everything and I could never let him go.

Notes

An update on a not-Friday!! Due to the fact that I had two snow-days this week, I was graced with unexpected time; time I used to finish writing a new story I had been working on. The One of Mine is coming to a close soon; but fret not kids, another tale awaits. I'll release the name along with the last chapter of The One of Mine; 'till then, happy reading!