The One of Mine

When I got inside and went up into my room I realized that Gerard had left his French books on my desk, so the next day I gathered his things and went over to his house to give them back.

I knocked on Gerard’s door and Mikey answered with a huge grin. “Hi Leigh, want to see Gerard?”

“Yes please.” Mikey let me in and led me down to Gerard’s room. There he sat on his bed, sketchbook open in front of him, looking focused on the art he was creating. I entered quietly as not to disturb him or make him mess up, but when he stopped to change pencils I spoke. “Hey Gerard.”

He looked up to me with a start, obviously having just startled him by breaking to silence that had previously filled the room. “Oh, hey Leigh,” he said after he recovered from the unexpected visit.

“Sorry, bad time?”

“No, it’s fine,” he said, putting down his sketch book and coming over to me. He stood in front of me and looked into my eyes again before tentatively leaning in and planting a soft kiss on my cheek. He pulled away and looked down to gauge my expression and judging by how I must have looked, Gerard was pleased. He smiled again before leaning in once more and kissing my lips. He brought his hands up to hold my face, but mine were occupied with holding the books.

Gerard didn’t try anything like he did the previous night, it was just a simple kiss. It was the kind of kiss you give someone as if you’d known them forever, not too gentle but not overly engaging; it was the kind of kiss that you gave someone to show them you cared, as opposed to you just wanting to get in their pants.

He pulled away and broke the kiss, ending it after just the right amount of time. It wasn’t too short, but I would still kiss him again. I smiled to him and he to me before he dropped his gaze to the books in my hands. “Oh, yeah,” I said as I noticed him avert his eyes. “You left these at my house yesterday.” I handed over the books to Gerard and he took them. He gave me a quizzical look that I didn’t quite understand until he removed the bottom notebook and looked at it. “This isn’t mine.”

He was holding one of my writing notebooks, something I’d never even let anybody look at. He set down his French books on his bed but kept a hold on my journal. “Is this the writing you were talking about?” he asked looking down at the cover.

“Yeah, it is,” I said as I reached out to try and take it back, but Gerard pulled it up against him again.

“Could I-?” he asked, not finishing his sentence, but I still knew what he meant. He wanted to ready my notebook, see my true feelings, and although Gerard had already gotten to know a lot about me, I wasn’t sure if I was quite ready for him to know everything.

“You won’t like it,” I said shaking my head, a hint of seriousness in my tone. “It’s not very happy stuff.”

“Leigh,” he started. “There is nothing that can be in this notebook that can make me stop lo-” he paused as I waiting anxiously for him to finish his sentence. I could have sworn he was about to say . . .

“That can make me stop loving you.” I couldn’t believe what I’d just heard. Did he mean it? Did Gerard really love me?

“You love me?” Gerard’s cheeks flushed a little upon hearing my question. There was no denying or covering up what he had just said and we both knew it. I looked into his eyes expectantly, awaiting his response. “Of course.”

To have the feeling of someone loving you brings about a wide range of emotions. I was happy to hear the words, yet scared as to where they would lead us. I was shocked to know what Gerard really, felt but empowered to let him know the same. “I love you, too.”

The words slipped out of my mouth with a level of ease I never thought possible. Considering the fact that I never thought I’d use those words in my entire life, I felt oddly liberating having said them. It was in that moment that I realized I’d been holding onto them for so long, that I had loved Gerard for longer than I would let myself believe. “Read it.”

I pushed the notebook back into Gerard’s hands and he looked down to it. He looked at me once more as if to ask, are you sure? I nodded to him before sitting down on his bed, pulling him along with me. He looked at the notebook and slowly opened the cover before quietly and stoically beginning to read its contents.

It was an older book, written back in New York. It was filled with some of my most macabre and depression entries, and it would be a lie to say that I was totally fine with Gerard reading it, but something in me knew that he needed to.

I sat silently beside him as he flipped through page after page, reading the sad poems and delving into the short stories. I didn’t expect him to read the whole thing, there was a lot packed in there, so after about a half-hour he looked up. “Leigh,” he said with sad eyes. “I had no idea. I didn’t know you were this sad.”

I shook my and replied, “But that’s just it; I was that sad. But you’ve changed everything. You’ve change . . . me. I mean, I’m still not a ray of sunshine or anything but, knowing you is the best thing that ever could have happened to me.” Gerard just sat there and listened to me speak and when I was done he responded, “I’m glad to have met you too, and I want you to be happy, but I can’t do everything.” I looked to him, waiting for him to continue. “You should tell you mom.” That scared me.

I couldn’t tell my mom, I couldn’t break her heart. I knew deep down, somewhere inside me, that it was best to let her know, but I couldn’t do it; not alone. “Leigh, I’m happy that you’re happy, and I’m happy that I’ve been a part of that, but you need your mom, you can’t hide from her forever.”

I hated it, I hated that Gerard was right. He had been amazing to me thus far and he had done everything to get me this far from my self-hate, but without my mother, I didn’t know if I could stay away for good. It had been so long, and in truth, I missed my mom, and as hard as it would be, I needed to tell her. “Will you come with me?”

Gerard sweetly smiled to me and wrapped his arms around me. “Of course.”

***

My mom was home when Gerard and I entered the house. I guess I was going to do this sooner than I planned. We walked into the kitchen to see her reading over a report. I cleared my throat as we entered and my mom looked up. “Oh, Leigh, Gerard, how nice to you.”

“You too, Ms. Nolan,” Gerard responded before nudging my arm, hinting me. I wasn’t sure if I was ready, not yet. I didn’t know where to start. There was so much I needed to tell my mom but getting it all out was the most difficult part. I froze up and didn’t know what I was doing, I’d forgotten how to speak and what I was even doing here.

Gerard grabbed my hand and I looked up to him. He gave me a supportive look, telling me that he was there for me, that no matter what he’d make sure everything was okay. “Leigh, is everything okay?”

I turned my head back to face my mother. It was really the first time I’d seen her in weeks and I could see the changes the stress of her new job had brought about. Her eyes were redder and her hair was lazily thrown into a sad ponytail. This would just add to my mother’s stress and I didn’t want to burden her.

But then I thought to myself, I can’t keep living like this, I need my mom. I took in one last, deep breath, squeezing Gerard’s hand for support.

He was there for me all night while my mom and I talked it out. There were tears of sadness and tears that told me she was glad I’d finally come to her. Gerard held my hand and dried my eyes. It was a long night of letting things go and accepting change. I felt good that I’d finally done this for myself, and I was grateful that Gerard had been there for me from the very beginning, from the first time I’d ever seen him. I was finally free; the wall was gone and I’d finally let two amazing people in on my life.

I didn’t know what I’d expected going into this. I wasn’t sure if my mom would be sad or angry or upset or disappointed, but when all was said and done I was glad that I’d finally spoken up. My mother, after getting over the initial shock, decided it was best to sign me up for therapy, which I didn’t fight her on; if this is what it took to get better, then it’s what I had to do.

She must have thanked Gerard a million times for helping me through everything, though he seemed quite content with all he’d done. My mother finally saw what he did, and I was finally going to be okay.

We’d gotten far that night; it was the biggest step I’d ever taken but I couldn’t have possibly done it without Gerard holding tightly onto my hand as I forced myself to say, “Mom, I need to tell you something.”

Notes

Well, this is it. It's been real, but the story must come to a close eventually. I'm not sorry that the ending is shitty; this story is one of my firsts, written a few years ago, in he early days of my writing 'career' and I wanted to keep everything as it originally was in order to preserve it's integrity.
Anywho, as promised there is another story up, it's called Forever is a Long Time . . . Here's the link, cause I'm too stupid to insert it: http://www.mychemicalromancefanfiction.com/Story/27342/Forever-is-a-Long-Time/
Hope you check it out and let me know whatcha think.
Also, thank you to everyone who has read this story, whether it was from day one, or you've just started it, it means a lot!!