Gerard and I had become rather comfortable around each other. Sure, we weren’t best friends and the kiss’s linger had still made the air a little awkward, but he was the closest thing I had. Ever since I’d met him, he’d been the only person I was able to open up to, even if only a little bit, and once I got over the initial freak-out, things actually hadn’t changed after the kiss.

It wasn’t awkward around Gerard, well not because of the kiss anyway, things for the most part had stayed relatively the same between us. It took a little while to get over myself and the fact that it was a one-time thing and Gerard had the best intentions, but I was glad that I did. I might actually say that we’d gotten…closer, which was strange to think of myself considering I wasn’t even close to my own family. It was odd to believe that I could be myself around Gerard, who only at the start of the summer, was a total stranger to me.

Though it was January and my mother started to turn the heat on in the house, I still wore my sleeves. I couldn’t risk having my mother walk in unexpectedly and see them. When she was out though, I took full advantage of it.

I sat in my room writing, seizing the opportunity the quiet afternoon had handed me. I began to feel warm and seeing as how my mom was at work I figured that a tank top wouldn’t kill me. I tossed my hoodie onto my bed and opened the window while I was there. I felt the cool January air fill the room. I took in the smells of winter; smoke from someone’s chimney and the cold snowy air as I went back to sit at my desk.

The top of my desk was covered in notebooks and pens, all scattered around with little order to the system. I flipped open the notebook containing my latest story ideas and picked up a pen. Reading a little bit of the previous pages, I became lost in my work. It was so quiet and so peaceful. I loved moments like these; no one to interrupt, just me and my thoughts.
I drowned out the rest of world, shutting out everything but my story. I didn’t even notice when it happened.

I didn’t always lock the door when I was home alone and Gerard had built this habit of popping in whenever he felt like it. I hadn’t even noticed when he had come in and when I did it was already too late.

I saw a hand reach down to my arm, fingers brushing over the obvious scars running up to my elbow. It took me by surprise and I was scared to face whoever it was that had found out my secret, but something told me before I even looked up that it was Gerard. I looked to him and stood up quickly not knowing what else to do. I pulled my arm against my body and out of Gerard’s hold. Gerard had a pained and saddened look on his face, something I wasn’t used to seeing when someone saw my scars; normally it was a look of pity or disgust.

“What happened?” he questioned, his eyes not moving from my arm held tight against my body.

“I…” I didn’t have any words, nothing to say that would explain what he had just so obviously seen.

“Why did you do that? What’s wrong, Leigh?” He kept asking questions that I had no answers to. I felt horrible that I couldn’t say anything. I wasn’t able to defend myself, and the cycle would start again. Any sort of relationship I had built with Gerard was likely to end now. I had messed up, I should have been more careful about letting my guard down, because now it was all going to blow up in my face.

“I . . .Nothing’s wrong. Just leave me alone.” There. Just end it now. Why even try to fix anything? Gerard wouldn’t get it anyway, he’d never be able to understand what I was going through. Sure, up until this point, things had been steady between he and I, but nothing would ever be able to fix this. He’d leave, free himself from me and never speak to me again. He’d seen my scars; no one ever wanted to stay my friend after that.

I tried to turn away, to avoid looking at Gerard. I didn’t want to see the look on his face when he told me that he didn’t want to be around me anymore. I didn’t want to be here anymore, not with Gerard. I walked toward my door, not caring that I didn’t have a jacket despite the cold weather. Gerard had already seen my scars and would probably tell everyone in school anyway, so why hide them anymore?

I grabbed hold of the doorknob and was about to turn it to leave when I felt his arms around my waist. He turned me back around to face him and pulled me into him. I didn’t even have time to register what was happening until I was pressed against his body. We were so close I could hear his heart softly beating in his chest. It was probably the first time I’d been hugged by anyone in years. I didn’t know what to do, but I didn’t need to.

Instinctively, I brought my arms up around his neck and pulled him in closer. He returned the gesture, tightening his grip of my waist while still remaining gentle. I started to feel my eyes brimming with tears. At first I tried to contain them, but once the first drop fell I was reminded of how good it felt to cry sometimes and I just lost control.

I wasn’t really sure why I was crying but I didn’t care, it felt good and Gerard just let me. I could feel him move one of his hands up to gently stroke my hair.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I –“ Gerard made me feel good without saying a word and I realized that he was the first person I was willing to fight for. He was the first person I couldn’t just let go of, I didn’t want to see him leave; I didn’t want him out of my life. I didn’t know what I’d do without him, so I had to at least try to stop him from hating me.

“Nothing’s wrong with you,” he said in a soothing and comforting voice causing more tears to flow from my eyes. No one was ever like this. When most people found out about my cutting they were either disgusted, scared or just plain uninterested. Gerard wasn’t like everyone else. He didn’t want to leave me, he didn’t want to fix me; he just wanted to make it better.

“Don’t say that, Leigh.” He continued. “I’m not going to judge you, if that’s what you’re worried about. It doesn’t change how I feel about you.”

"No, you probably think I'm insane now, as if you didn't already. I'm a freak, I get it. That's never gonna change."

He shook his head as he loosened the hug a little to look at me. I didn’t want to leave his arms, but he held me just as close as he stared into my eyes.

"You shouldn't think that's weird. It's normal to deal with things, I just wish you didn't have to do it like this."

I looked down, ashamed of my scars and the fact that they were even there. Sure, Gerard had said that but I knew that he didn't really mean it. There was no way he could honestly believe that this was normal on any level.

"It wouldn’t be untrue if I said that I didn’t already suspect it a little. I’m not blind, Leigh; I can see that you’re hurting, and I want to help you. I'm not gonna judge you based on your scars, they're there and nothing will change that. They don't bother me, but I don't like what's behind them; I don't like why you've done it. You're beautiful and amazing and wonderful and I want you to be able to see that. I see that."

In the middle of Gerard speaking I felt my eyes brim with fresh tears again. I tried to fight it off. I didn’t want Gerard to see my so weak. I tried in one last ditch effort to keep the wall up, but my tears fell and my barrier came crashing down along with them. The wall I'd spent so many years building was destroyed in that one moment.

Gerard took my face in his hands and wiped away my tears. He wrapped his arms around me again, pulling me in and letting me cry into his chest. He softly stroked my hair as I leaned into him, tears staining his shirt, his warm body and familiar scent offering me a comfort beyond compare.

I'd never been held like this before, like I was important. No one had ever made me feel like I mattered, no one except Gerard. He made me feel like I was the only other person on earth, the most important person in his life and it was in this moment that I realized something about him. He was special to me, I realized that Gerard was the closest person I had and, though I'd tried to push him away, he still stuck by me. He still cared and he never gave up on me, and now, when I needed him most, he was still right by my side.

I had kind of always had the feeling that Gerard would somehow find out about my scars, but I never expected this. I never expected him to be so understanding, so supportive, to sit there and tell me that everything was going to be okay. He wanted me to see that I was special to him, just as he was special to me.

It was in this moment that I realized that I didn't like Gerard; I loved him. All the voices in my head that had ever told me to get away were now chanting for me to pull him closer, to keep him by my side and never let go.

I pulled away just slightly, still in his arms but looking up at him. My vision was still blurred with tears but I could see Gerard looking down at me, waiting for me to say something, but I couldn't. I had no words to describe what was on my mind. There was nothing I could say to clarify my thoughts, nothing to let Gerard know what I was thinking, except for . . .

A kiss. I let go of my worries, my insecurities and my fears. Gerard understood me, he cared for me, he didn't judge me and I wanted to let him know just how much he meant to me. He was the one person I'd ever truly been myself with and he still hung around. He didn't think I was a freak or want out the moment he saw my scars. He fought for me, he tried to make it all better, which is more than anyone had ever done for me. I needed to let him know that he was amazing.

I couldn’t tell you what in God’s name had gotten into me, but I lifted my hand up to Gerard's face and placed it against his cheek for a mere second before I could change my mind. I closed the distance between our lips and shut my eyes. Gerard brought his hand up to my face as our lips touched and I took this as a good sign. I relaxed a little more knowing that he didn’t hate this. Sure we’d kissed once before but that was different, that one didn’t matter. I didn’t mean anything like this one did.

He kissed me back, gently and softly. His lips were warm and smooth, his motions careful and loving. I never wanted it to end but when it did I didn't lose the feeling, the feeling of being loved.

Gerard looked down to me and tucked some hair behind my ear. He moved him thumb across my cheek, wiping away my last tear. I needed not shed anymore because I had Gerard. He made every fucked up thing in my life all okay. He made me feel special, something no one had ever done before. He made everything better, like nothing could touch me.

And not only that, Gerard made me feel better than any of my razors ever had. I'd never wanted once to cut when I was with him, and now that he was mine, I didn't need my razors at all. My one stupid relapse was my final relapse; I had Gerard and now, no razor could ever compare.

If anyone had to have found out about my scars, I’m glad it was Gerard.

“Thank you, Gerard.” I looked up into his eyes expectantly, waiting to see his response to all of this.

He kept holding onto me like he never wanted to let go, and truthfully, neither did I. After a moment, Gerard responded saying, “I’m going to keep you safe,” as he pulled me back into his warm embrace. “No matter what, I’m going to keep you safe.” I gently rested my head against his chest, hearing his slow, rhythmic heartbeat. I just let him hold me close, his warm body flush with mine.

He wasn’t trying to fix me, he wasn’t trying to make me stop. He was just being Gerard. He wanted me to know that I wasn’t alone, that’d he’d be there for me when no one else was, like he had been since I first moved here. And for all his effort, he was doing a damn good job. And even after all the time I’d spent trying to avoid Gerard and all the effort I put into preventing this very thing from happening, I couldn’t stop myself from giving into him. I felt his hand come up and trace along my jawline. I had no more tears left, Gerard had taken them all away.

It was nice to be touched by Gerard like this. He was delicate with me, his artist’s hands softly holding me, gently but with the strength that told me that everything was okay now. It was nice to have someone handle me so carefully, like I was fragile and important and could break at the slightest touch. It was nice to feel like I mattered to someone, like I was loved, and it was even better knowing that that someone was Gerard.

Notes

It's finally happened; Gerard finally knows. This is NOT the end of the story, so don't worry, there will be another update next week. Have fun reading, let me know whatcha think, and I see y'all back here next week!!