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Mibba

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Bury me in all my favorite colors

Eventually, he would hate me.

My brother wasn't okay with Lana coming to the show with us. Not in the least. He had gotten angry with me for wanting to bring her, someone who reminded him of our dying grandma, to a place where he just wanted to have fun and forget about it all. I didn't blame him. But I didn't blame myself either for still inviting her. It was mostly my own selfishness that had given me the idea. Doing something nice for someone else in order to make myself feel better. Doing something nice for Lana to make my grandma feel better because she liked Lana. And of course, doing something nice for Lana to make Lana feel better because...hey, maybe I wasn't so selfish after all. I could have asked someone else, some girl, maybe the one I had met at Ray's party, I must have had her number somewhere still. I could have gotten high, I could have gotten laid, just like Mikey probably would tonight. I could have avoided all the drama with him. Damn, I wish I were more selfish.

'You want something to drink? Water or Coke or somethin?' I asked as we entered the venue, looking around for the bar or stall with the shortest line.

'Sure, water's fine.' Lana said and followed me but I stopped her.

'Nah, you sit down, I get it for ya.' I walked her over to a bench and sat her down, convinced she would roll her eyes at me again but instead she smiled and thanked me.

I returned with the drinks and we made our way to the 100 level where our seats were located, silently praying that Mikey wouldn't be a complete jerk to Lana tonight.

Luckily, he had also brought someone and was pretty much ignoring us as we found him a few seats away from ours. He barely acknowledged us and I sighed, taking off my jacket.

'I don't mind if you wanna sit with your brother.' Lana said and looked around her, clearly uncomfortable.

'I think I'll be fine right here.' I replied and sat down next to her.

The support band started playing a few minutes later and people were taking the rest of the seats and filling up the general admission area. A group of girls arrived, taking up almost the entire row in front of us. The second I saw the look on one of their faces as she spotted Lana, I knew something was about to ruin our good mood. Sure enough, the girl snickered, nudging the girl next to her as she pointed at Lana and whispered something in her ear. Now they both turned around, giggling and I could feel Lana shifting in her seat, looking down at her hands, trying her best to ignore them.

'Nice haircut.' one of the girls laughed and I cursed my grandma for teaching me to always be respectful towards women. These fucking bitches. I shot them an angry look which one of them noticed and again, whispered something to her friend and they giggled, sitting down.

I looked over at Lana, who swallowed hard while adjusting her beanie, obviously holding back tears. I wanted to say something to comfort her, or even take her hand but instead, I got up, my drink in hand. A large Pepsi. Over-priced, since it was the Garden, after all. But I could get a new one. With a broad smile on my face, I emptied the entire cup over the girl's head.

'Yeah? Nice outfit.' I said, a wonderful, satisfying feeling rushing through me as she screamed, jumping out of her seat, her clothes drenched in soda.

*

'THE LOOK ON HER FACE! It was almost better than seeing the Pumpkins!' I giggled as we left the venue. I couldn't even remember the last time I had had that much fun.

'I wish I had gotten more Pepsi. That's the only regret I have.' Gerard snorted and lit a cigarette, blowing the smoke in the opposite direction.

I laughed so hard I was starting to get dizzy and he threw away his cig, grabbing my arm to steady me.

'You ok?' he asked, looking worried but I continued giggling, almost like a drunk person.

'I'm fine.' I said, more serious when I realized he was truly concerned about me, not letting go of me although I was trying to convince him there was nothing wrong with me.

'I'll take you home.' Gerard muttered and I nodded. 'Are you okay to walk? I can give you a piggy back ride if you want.'

'Umm, nah.' I smiled. 'But thanks. And thanks for standing up for me. It was very...noble of you. You could have just ignored them.'

'I couldn't have, though. I fucking hate bullies. Especially girls bullying other girls. These bitches will never be as strong as you are. Or as pretty. They can cake themselves with make-up all they want, they're still ugly on the inside. Just know that.' I would have hugged him but I didn't but the night was still young.

His words were touching although I knew he didn't really think I was pretty. That wasn't me feeling sorry for myself, it was just the truth, I wasn't pretty, not anymore, and no one could ever think so. The fact that he still told me I was, being so sincere, in order to make me feel better about what had happened, meant a lot to me though.

We were back in front of my apartment building and I felt kind of sad that we had to say goodbye already. It was nice, spending time with Gerard and I got the feeling that a little bit of the sadness in his eyes had disappeared, even if it was just for a couple of hours.

'Are you gonna be alright on your own?' he asked.

I wasn't sure. I hated the idea of being on my own in my apartment again but I couldn't just ask him to come upstairs. It would sound kind of desperate and I didn't want him to get the wrong idea and feel uncomfortable. He'd probably do it because he pitied me and I didn't want that.

'Sure. Yeah.' I answered, grabbing my purse from the backseat.

'I'll walk you upstairs.' he offered and I was glad.

Every other girl would have gotten excited now, every normal girl would have gotten her hopes up, knowing that the guy would most likely kiss her goodnight or even more. But let's not kid ourselves, I thought. Even if I wanted that to happen, Gerard was just being polite, wanted to make sure nothing happened to me, which was lovely of him. Although it made me aware of the fact that it was just that. And that every boy I met was always just gonna feel the need to look after me, care about me as a friend maybe, but never more. In a way I wished I could be more like those girls at the show. Minus the shitty character, obviously. But I was sure guys were attracted to them, with their long, shiny hair, toned, tan skin and pushed up boobs, their legs looking endless in their short skirts and high heels. I hated feeling sorry for myself, especially in Gerard's presence.

'Nah, it's okay. Don't worry. You've looked after me enough for one night.'

'I don't mind. Just glad you enjoyed yourself. Maybe you can come to one of my band's shows next?' he asked, getting out of the car while I was looking for my keys.

'Maybe. Once I feel good enough to not need a babysitter.' I said, unlocking the door and letting him in.

'Stop that.' he said, his voice louder all of a sudden. I looked at him in surprise. 'I didn't feel like babysitting you. Stop thinking that the only reason I invited you is because I feel sorry for you.'

*

'Why did you invite me then?' she asked and I shoved my hands into my pockets as we entered the elevator.

'Because...I wanted to. I knew it would distract us both from everything shitty for at least a couple of hours.'

I watched as she pressed the button for her floor and leaned against the mirrored wall of the elevator.

'Fair enough.' she muttered and I felt stupid.

I didn't say anything until we got off on her floor.

'My grandma is gonna die soon, isn't she?'

'Yes.' was all she responded with, obviously unable to lie to me and I would have called her out on it anyway.

She let me into her apartment, closing the door behind me. I was grateful for her honesty and it wasn't like I hadn't known the answer to my question anyway.

'I'm sorry.' Lana said as she sat down on one of the barstools in her kitchen.

'Me too.'

'Why you?'

'Because I fucked up the good vibe.'

'Was gonna happen sooner or later.'

I joined her, sitting down next to her. I tried picturing her with hair, knowing she was a natural blonde and I wondered what it must have felt like to lose all her hair.

'Is she scared? Were you scared?' the question was stupid. Who wouldn't be scared?

'Not of dying, no. Of leaving people. Leaving them behind.' she replied and faced me, causing me to look away.

'I know it's selfish but I'm scared of being left behind, too. She's my everything, you know?'

When Lana took my hand I felt even more selfish. There I was, a 26-year old guy, being comforted by a girl with cancer. But then I realized - my grandmother was her best friend too. And soon we would both lose her.

I stayed a little longer, knowing that Lana didn't want to be alone. When she yawned and I noticed her eyelids getting heavier, I said goodbye and to my surprise, she hugged me, the feel of her skinny, fragile body against mine making me hold back a shiver. I was almost afraid of hurting her as I returned the hug, putting my arms around her tiny waist for a brief moment. She thanked me when I should have been the one thanking her.

As I had expected, Mikey was at home when I entered our apartment, grabbing a coke from the fridge, the high heels at the door telling me that there was most likely a girl waiting for him in his bed.

'So you had fun with the cancer girl? I take it she didn't let you in her panties.' he smirked.

'You're such a fucking asshole, Mikey.' I growled, taking off my shoes, just throwing them anywhere angrily. 'What the fuck is your problem? And by the way, her name is Lana.'

'Don't worry. If you're persistent, I'm sure LANA will eventually let you pity fuck her. Maybe your dick will cure her?'

I had never punched my brother but right now, I was feeling the urge stronger than ever before. How was this guy even related to me?
The only thing I could do was take a deep breath and walk into my room. He was hurting, I knew that but it was no excuse for his behavior. I was the only one who got to see this side of him. To everyone else, he was the introverted, shy, sweet kid and ironically, I was the 'angry one'. But unlike him I only took my anger out on myself. Which wasn't healthy either but at least I wasn't blatantly hurting the ones closest to me.

I slammed the door shut behind me, walking over to my bed to get one of the little orange bottles from the nightstand. After swallowing a few pills, I waited for the numbness to take over.

*

Like a teenage girl, Elena wanted to know every little detail about my weekend when I returned to the hospital on monday, particularly my saturday night with her grandsons. I told her, leaving out the fact that Mikey had been rude and that Gerard and I had also talked about her and the things he had confided in me. I didn't want to make this any harder for either of them.

When I mentioned the incident with the girls at the show, her face brightened up like never before, she was obviously proud of him, proud that he had had my back.

'Are you gonna go out again soon?' she asked, smiling. Oh dear. I knew it. She totally wanted to hook me up with Gerard.

I laughed, shaking my head. 'Maybe. He's cool.'

She raised her brows, a smirk on her lips as if she expected me to give in and admit that I had fallen deeply in love with him and was already pregnant with her great-grandchild. I rolled my eyes and opened my laptop in order to get away from the conversation.

'He's a good kid, you know. Thinks too much, his mind is always busy. He's too hard on himself sometimes. Very attentive, knows what's going on before you do. Gerard is gonna be a good friend to you.' she emphasized the word 'friend', 'If you let him. You gotta let your guard down. Stop bullshitting, is what he always says. Stop bullshitting, grandma, I know you're sad. Stop bullshitting, I know you're scared.'

Stop bullshitting, an autobiography by Gerard Way?

'I'll try.' was all I could say.

It was funny how, within just a matter of weeks, he became such a big part of my life. Mostly due to Elena's stories which I'm sure if Gerard had known she was telling, he would have disapproved. At first I thought that the more I knew about him, the more I would had wanted to be his friend but that wasn't the case. Not because of him, on the contrary, it was simply because of myself. It wouldn't be a healthy friendship anyway. He would lose his grandmother and while now, I was someone he could talk to about it all, instead of his grandma, once she was gone, I'd be the one person reminding him of her, reminding him of his loss. I'd be the one who had survived, the one who still had time, while for Elena, the time had run out. Eventually, he would hate me and he wasn't even aware of it yet. So no, as much as I wanted to try, I couldn't let my guard down with Gerard.

Notes

Comments

So good!!!

Jackie Jackie
4/10/18
@Nichole Unfiltered
thank you so much! :) I'm glad you liked it, your feedback means a lot.
the_girl the_girl
10/21/13
All I can say is wow, this story was truly AMAZING! You're such a creative and talented writer, and I can't wait to read the sequel!
@thisbitchcray:P
enjoy it while you can
the_girl the_girl
10/13/13
We shall thank the Gods for this plentiful amount of smut
Funghoul'sGirl Funghoul'sGirl
10/13/13