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Bury me in all my favorite colors

Cancer chic

I was back in New York and Mikey and I were on our way to see our grandmother. My stomach was turning, anxious about whether she would realize I hadn't slept in almost three days. I had done a lot of things I wasn't proud of but I wasn't really proud of anything these days.

'So who's the extra ticket for anyway? Got a date or somethin?' Mikey asked as we stepped out of the elevator.

'Just a present for someone.' I said, putting the ticket back in my pocket for now. I could tell he wanted to ask more questions but I stopped, spotting Lana.

She was walking, which was a good sign. I had only ever seen her in her wheelchair or on the bed and even though she looked fragile as always, there was even a hint of a glow on her cheeks.

'Tell grandma I'll be right there.' I told Mikey and he gave me a confused look but just shrugged and disappeared into the room. 'Hey Lana.' I greeted her and she smiled.

'Hey yourself. You look like shit.' she replied, looking me up and down. 'A bold statement coming from me, I know. But you really do.' she sounded almost concerned.

'Yeah, just got back from tour. Haven't gotten much sleep. Umm, how are you?' I said, trying to change the topic.

'I'm good. Might be able to go home soon. Well, they said they would let me go home for the weekend just to see how it goes and then I need to gain a few more pounds before they release me for good.' Lana said.

'That's awesome! This weekend?'

'Yeah. Why, you wanna party?' she joked and I pulled out the ticket, handing it to her.

'Something like that.'

Her eyes widened as she looked at it. 'Oh cool, you got tics for the Pumpkins. Lucky bastard. Well, enjoy. Just know that I hate you forever.' she said, trying to give it back to me and I laughed.

'It's for you, silly. Thought you might like to come with me. And Mikey. And then you could maybe not hate me forever.'

'Thought I might? I might? I do! Gerard, that's...so nice of you.' I could tell there was a 'but'. 'But - I can't take this.'

She looked sad and I was confused. 'Why not?'

'Dude, look at me. I only just got rid of that shitty wheelchair. I can't go to a concert!'

'I'll make sure you're okay. I can look after you. Plus, those are seats. Good seats, you can sit down and still enjoy the show.'

'You should take someone else. Someone you don't have to look after. You know, a girl you have a crush on or I don't know, someone to have fun with. I'd just be a burden and a total party pooper.' she was still holding the ticket out for me but I refused to take it.

'You're not a burden! Jeez, Lana, come on. You're being a party pooper if you don't take this. Honestly, I promise it'll be fun. And I don't mind looking after you, you think I'd invite you if I did?'

She was still hesitating but a smile crept across her lips and I knew she had finally accepted my gift.

*

It was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for me. I pressed the ticket to my chest, still smiling as I walked back to my room with Gerard.

'Well look at you two!' Elena smirked as we entered and I squealed, running over to my bed.

'Gerard is taking me to see the Pumpkins!' I smiled, holding up the ticket. Mikey looked at Gerard, obviously surprised. I could feel the awkward tension immediately and my smile faded slightly.

'Oh. You're coming with us?' Mikey asked, clearly uncomfortable with the arrangement. Maybe Gerard didn't think of me as a burden but his brother apparently did.

'That's wonderful. Aww Gerard, that's so sweet of you.' Elena said and I tried to ignore the weird feeling that was making me regret my decision. I noticed the look Gerard gave his younger brother, warning him not to say anything else in front of me.

'Yeah, I can't wait. We're gonna have a blast.' he then said, smiling at me and I smiled back, hoping that it wouldn't turn out to be the worst night of my life.

Of course Elena had to make a big deal about it, telling the nurses that I 'had a date with her grandson' and I sighed, annoyed at her but unable to ruin her good mood by trying to stop or shush her. She probably just did it to tease me anyway since there was no way she'd be as delusional as to think that it was an actual date and Gerard had invited me because he had the hots for me or something. Ha! If anything, he had the colds for me. Maybe, if I was a normal, healthy girl and he was a normal, happy guy and we had met in a club or a bar, I probably would have flirted with him, just to make him blush. He was cute, not exactly my type but cute. Most importantly, he was a nice guy. Unlike his brother.

My appetite was back and despite the disgusting hospital food, I gained more weight. Being as underweight as I was, every gram counted. As scared as I was to leave the hospital, I was motivated, gulping down the thick, sweet Ensure drinks without complaining like I usually did. I kept myself busy writing, things that I would probably never show to anyone but it didn't matter since I wrote them for no one else but me. My mother called from Paris, letting me know that she had bought me a Chanel purse, the one I had always wanted. Wow, she sure knew how to deal with her guilt, I thought. I talked to Greg and he apologized for leaving, actually apologizing for my mom's behavior but I told him not to worry about it. I also told him that I would be able to go home for the weekend and he immediately gave me the number of his personal assistant.

'Call him and tell him what you need. He'll get it for you. Groceries, toiletries, whatever you need, just let him know. I don't want you to come home to a cold, empty apartment. He can get the keys from your concierge, stock your fridge, bring some flowers.'

'What about strippers? Can he get some strippers?' I joked and Greg laughed.

'Sure! Or he could strip for you, I do pay him enough.' he replied. I really liked Greg. He was just really chill and charming. Kind of George Clooney-ish but slightly older, more gray. How he thought my mom was the right woman for him, I do not know. My guess was that she must be very skilled in the bedroom since her character was too flawed to keep a guy like him.

I thanked him and began compiling a list of things that I wanted and needed, trying to think economically since I would only be at the apartment for two days. Junk food, I thought. Lots of junk food. Chocolate. Cookies. Croissants. Fresh fruit, strawberries and lychees, preferably. And ginger ale. I loved that stuff. Flowers - a good idea. Daisies were my favorites. I could think of so much more but I didn't want to go overboard. I would save that for when I left the hospital for good.

*

Mikey hadn't talked to me ever since I had invited Lana to see the Pumpkins. I didn't understand why it was such a big deal, it wasn't to me. But I let him be, hoping that he would calm down and change his mind until the show.

I stayed with my parents for the rest of the week, wrapping up and moving some of my stuff that I hadn't taken to the apartment yet. It was mostly old comics, books, old drawings and sketches, Star Wars shit and other memorabilia that I had collected over the years. I found stuff that I had totally forgotten about, stuff that made me sad and stuff that made me smile looking at it, remembering events and emotions attached to it. The comic I had written and drawn for my first girlfriend and which she hadn't wanted anymore when she dumped me for another guy. The replica of Sting, the famous sword from The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings, a Christmas present from Mikey. My first guitar, ticket stubs, clothes, including my Batman onesies that I had been looking for and thought I had lost on tour. Letters, postcards, boarding passes. My mom accused me of hoarding when I had only one bag of trash, not willing to let go of the rest which was filling up my car.

'I'm a collector, not a hoarder. You have your creepy dolls and I have my stuff. At least I keep it in boxes, not on display.' I said, loading the last box into the trunk.

'You have no room for all this, honey.' my mom argued and she was right.

'I'll make room.'

'I think you just don't want to let go. But eventually, you'll have to.' I felt like she wasn't just talking about my things anymore.

'Well, not yet, mom.'

'Stay for dinner?' she asked but I shook my head.

'Thanks but no thanks. Maybe next time.'

I couldn't think of anything worse than sitting at this kitchen table right now. Not able to make small talk with my parents, knowing that everything we said would just be said in order to avoid the obvious. That soon, we would have to clear out my grandmother's things. I doubted that my grandpa wanted to hold on to anything, he had already detached himself from her, drinking heavily, playing poker all night with his friends. I didn't want to accuse him of anything but I was almost certain he was having an affair too and had been for a while. And I couldn't help but hate him for it. Cheating on his dying wife, only visiting her when no one else had time. It was disheartening but I didn't have the guts to confront him about it. At least it all made sense now. Her teaching me to respect women, to treat them well because she wasn't respected or being treated well. She deserved better. She deserved so much more. I wish she had time to move on, maybe get another chance at being happy, find a better man.

I finally backed out of our driveway, leaving behind the place that now had nothing left for me anymore.

*

Being back in my apartment was strange. I wasn't scared that something would happen to me, the hospital had given me a bracelet with a button I could press that would alert paramedics and Dr Miller instantly in case of an emergency. They had given me my medication for the day and had packaged and labeled the dosages for saturday and sunday neatly for me to take on my own. Jason, Greg's PA had stocked my fridge with everything I had requested, a beautiful bouquet of daisies was placed in the middle of my dining table and the room temperature was perfect. As I entered my bedroom, a single golden balloon was floating around, a little note attached to its string.

'Lana-
We hope you enjoy your first weekend back at home.
To many more to come.
Love,
Mum & Greg'

I knew my mother had nothing to do with this but it cheered me up nonetheless.

Still, as I sat in front of my dressing table, running my fingers over the weird fluff on my head that I refused to call 'hair', I couldn't help but feel scared. And I hated that feeling. I hated feeling weak. I had always told myself not to be weak. Even if the strength had gone from my body, I still had my mental strength. Now that I was getting better, I had to get over the fear. I didn't know how but this was what I wanted, what I had prayed for. There was no way that I would give up now. I owed it to myself. And in a weird way, I also owed it to Elena.

I had absolutely nothing to wear for the show. All the pretty clothes I had back at my apartment were way too big, I had basically lived in leggings and oversized shirts and sweaters for the last months. It was also way too late to order something online and then there was the thing on my head. Gerard had given me his number and I was so close to calling him, telling him I couldn't go after all. For some reason though, I couldn't do it. As much as I hated the idea of wigs and dressing up, not really feeling well enough to do it yet, I hated the idea of looking like shit even more.

Gerard picked me up at 7pm the next day and I tried my best to ignore it as he surveyed me from head to toe. Not that I cared what he thought, after all, I didn't mean to impress him or anyone else. My bald head was hidden under a black beanie as always but I had found a dress that looked good despite being too big. The oversized shape made it look kind of grungy and combined with black tights, boots and a leather jacket, everything looked styled. And lo and behold, I had also put on make-up, opting for my favorite red lipstick that I used to wear on nights out in Paris.

'You look...nice.' Gerard said and opened the car door for me. I knew he was lying but I didn't call him out on it, it must have been hard for him to make an effort and so I accepted his compliment.

'Yeah? Thanks. It's the new version of heroin chic. I call it cancer chic.' I joked and he rolled his eyes at me.

'Ha ha.' he said and jumped in the drivers seat.

Sometimes I felt bad for making these tasteless jokes, knowing that he hadn't learned how to deal with it all yet and probably wouldn't ever. But why avoid the unavoidable? I liked Gerard and although we didn't know each other that well, we were both aware of our coping mechanisms already. Including the acting. He knew that I didn't actually think my tasteless jokes were funny but simply the only way for me not to break down and cry every time I was made aware of my illness. I liked Gerard because he let me be, unlike everyone else who constantly told me that it 'wasn't funny' and that I should 'stop joking about it', even though on the inside, he probably felt like breaking down and crying as much as I did.

'Where's Mikey?' I asked.

'He's meeting us there.'

'Hmm. Is he really okay with me coming?' I wanted to know.

'Do we really need his permission?' he asked back, looking at me with a smile.

I already hated myself for letting him make me feel special.

Comments

So good!!!

Jackie Jackie
4/10/18
@Nichole Unfiltered
thank you so much! :) I'm glad you liked it, your feedback means a lot.
the_girl the_girl
10/21/13
All I can say is wow, this story was truly AMAZING! You're such a creative and talented writer, and I can't wait to read the sequel!
@thisbitchcray:P
enjoy it while you can
the_girl the_girl
10/13/13
We shall thank the Gods for this plentiful amount of smut
Funghoul'sGirl Funghoul'sGirl
10/13/13