Bury me in all my favorite colors

'Are you sure you don't want me to stay?' I asked my grandma for what seemed like the hundredth time. Another short tour in Europe was coming up and I was visiting her one last time before leaving.

'No, honey. But thank you for the flowers, they're gorgeous.' she breathed in their scent before looking down at the daisies I was still holding. 'Are those for Lana?'

'Yeah. I think daisies are her favorites, right? I thought I'd give them to her since she's going home today.' I said and she nodded, beaming at me. Despite the fact that she looked so ill, she was still radiating strength and beauty.

'Yes. Yes, they are. She's gonna love them.' she pulled on my sleeve, motioning for me to bend down and I did. She kissed my forehead, wiping my black hair out of my face. 'Now go. I'm tired and need to rest.'

'Alright. I love you, grandma. See you as soon as I get back.' I whispered, kissing her cheek, hugging her for a moment.

'I love you too, Gerard.'

Lana was outside in the family waiting room, filling out her release forms there instead of the room in order to give us privacy. It was kind of weird that we were both leaving today and I felt bad for my grandmother, now not having either of us. But Lana had promised to visit her as often as she could and the doctors had already found a new roommate for her too. She looked up as I sat down next to her, extending the flowers.

'Happy release day.' I said, hoping that her smile would make me feel better about leaving, even if it was just for a brief moment.

'Aww, thank you! How do you know I like daisies?'

'I saw them at your apartment the night after the Pumpkins show.' I answered and she smiled, biting her lip. It was kind of adorable and it did make me feel better.

'Wow, Elena was right, you really are attentive.'

'Oh yeah, what else has she said about me?' I wanted to know.

'A LOT. But don't worry, nothing too embarrassing. She showed me those pictures of you though...when you were younger...and like, completely naked.'

'She did WHAT now?' I blushed and she laughed, slapping me on the arm.

'I'm just shitting you. Your face was priceless though.'

'Ugh, motherfucker.' I muttered, glaring at her and she pouted. I couldn't be mad at her even if I wanted to.

We had developed a casual friendship, although at times I could tell that she tried to push me away. I wasn't hurt by it and I knew about her motives, she had mentioned Paris and possibly returning there once the clinical trial would be finished so it was only logical that she wanted to keep me at an arm's length. And after all, I probably couldn't even be the friend she needed. Lana hugged me tightly, almost as though she didn't want me to leave. It was only three weeks later when my mother called me that I realized why.

'Honey, I'm so sorry. Grandma passed away this morning.'

*

I had tried to call him, taking the time difference into consideration but his voice mail was the only answer I got. After weeks of pretending, the day to face reality had finally come. The stage lights had been switched off and I didn't expect to see him again in the dark.

The morning Elena had died, I was at the hospital. Although I couldn't say goodbye to her anymore, I sat outside her room, praying. I prayed for her to not be in pain, I prayed for her to not feel alone, for her to feel the love her family and friends had for her. I prayed, even asking God to spare her, give her some of my time, just so Gerard could be here with her when she left. I prayed, thanking the higher powers for sending her, sending me a friend although it was under the worst circumstances. When her daughter and her husband, Gerard's parents, left the room, their faces were blank. I stood to give them my condolences and they handed me two letters. One addressed to me, the other to Gerard.

'Please give this to him. I know he won't take it from me.' Donna said and I just nodded, swallowing hard in order to keep my tears under control. 'Thank you.' she put her hand on mine and left.

I knew him and Mikey were coming back home immediately after getting the news, cancelling the rest of the tour but he never returned my calls, never replied to my text messages. An invitation to Elena's funeral arrived but it had probably been sent by Mrs Way. Despite the fact that I was feeling indifferent about seeing Gerard, I didn't have second thoughts about going. After all, I knew this would have happened sooner or later, I knew the minute I wished Gerard and I could be friends that it wasn't possible and now it was obvious why. But knowing all this didn't prepare me for the pain. I had lost two friends at once and I felt sick thinking about having to look into his eyes at the funeral. Those already sad eyes, even sadder now.

Did I even have a right to be here? Feeling out of place, I took a seat in the very last row, receiving a few weird looks for wearing a beanie on such a nice, hot summer day. It was eerie, being amongst the living in a place of the dead. To me, both of them familiar. I couldn't see Gerard or any other faces I recognized but they were probably right at the front and I was scared to face him right now.

The service was beautiful but I was glad to leave the cemetery. The wake was held at the Way's house and I had baked carrot cake. 'His favorite. Here's the recipe. If you are well enough, make it for him. And don't cheat and just buy one, he will know.' Elena's letter had said. I honestly thought about just leaving the cake with the letter to him and driving back to New York but I couldn't chicken out now. I had to do this, for Elena. For Gerard.

'Lana, I'm glad you could come. Thank you.'

'Thank you for inviting me.' I replied, surprised when Don, Gerard and Mikey's father, pulled me into a brief hug.

'I hope you're doing alright, you look better.' he said and I nodded, when I spotted Gerard out of the corner of my eye. He was coming down the stairs and immediately stopped when he saw me, turning around to head back up.

I felt my heart breaking.

*

It had nothing to do with Lana. I wasn't mad at her. My pain and anger were too rational and I knew that blaming her even in the slightest wouldn't help. Not to mention that it wouldn't be fair. The reason I couldn't face her wasn't the death of my grandma. It was the fact that I was stoned and drunk and I didn't want her to see me like that. I didn't want her to think I was weaker than she already thought I was. Everyone thought I was just traumatized, numb from the pain. Truth be told, I couldn't differentiate anymore. Was it the pain? Was it the pills? Was it the vodka? I had opted for vodka because it didn't give me the obvious stench of alcohol and it was easy to fill in a plastic bottle or glass, pretending it was water. The only one I couldn't fool was Mikey. Which didn't matter as he was in a similar state of intoxication.

Lana had followed me in the attic, I knew it before I saw the doorknob turn and I cursed myself for not locking the door.

'Can I come in?' she asked, standing there, not able to look me in the eyes.

'At your own risk.' I answered, my voice croaky and she entered, shutting the door behind her. I noticed she was holding a plate. 'I'm not hungry though.'

She came over to me, placing the plate on the stacked boxes in front of me and I recognized the smell instantly. Carrot cake. I smiled weakly.

'I know you probably don't want to see me. So I'm just here to give you this and then I'll leave.' she pulled out an envelope and handed it to me, my name on it in my grandmother's handwriting.

'Why wouldn't I want to see you?' I asked, staring at the letter.

She was quiet for a while, nervously shifting from one leg to the other. 'Gerard...I'm so sorry.' I looked up at her, seeing the tears in her eyes. 'I wish she was here instead of me.'

I understood. Lana felt guilty. Guilty for still being alive. My troubled mind couldn't quite grasp why but I saw it on her face, her pale, pretty face.

'Don't say that.' I took her hand and pulled her next to me. 'Don't ever say that. Don't even think it.'

She laced her fingers through mine, squeezing my hand and for the first time in days, I felt something. It scared me and I grabbed the bottle, guiding it to my lips but she stopped me, taking it from me. I wanted to protest but she just shook her head.

'If I'm not allowed to punish myself, then neither are you.' she whispered.

But you have no idea what I did, I thought. If you knew, you'd want me to punish myself. You'd know what an awful person I am and you'd probably encourage me to. I don't deserve your sympathy just like I didn't deserve my grandmother's love.

'I was high on coke getting my dick sucked by some girl I didn't know when my mother called me from the hospital. Don't tell me I'm not allowed to punish myself. I escaped. I ran. Filled my mind and body with bullshit while my grandma had to suffer. I deserve to be in pain. And not even that is enough.' I muttered, ashamed of admitting it but I had to admit it to someone. I was scum. Lana shouldn't feel guilty for being alive. Not when I was the one who really should have died suffering.

*

Nothing I could say would make him feel better, so I didn't say anything. His confession hurt, but I was hurting for him, not because of him. I knew he was a good person and I wish I could make him see. Make him see him through my eyes, through Elena's. See him as this wonderful, passionate, inspirational, talented, beautiful person that he was. Make him feel special, like he had made me feel when I felt ugly, weak and insecure.

'You wanna come back to my place?' I asked because it was the only thing I could think of.

I almost expected him to say no but instead, he nodded, standing up and stuffing the letter in the back pocket of his black jeans. He fell asleep in the passenger seat as we drove back into the city. Gerard looked so peaceful and I hoped that the haunting thoughts would at least leave him alone in his sleep.

It had gotten dark and my stomach was growling but neither of us moved from the couch. We had been sitting there in silence for what felt like days and he had sobered up enough to cry. He didn't even bother wiping away the tears, they just rolled down his cheeks, dropping down his chin onto his shirt, forming a wet patch on his chest. My hand, which he had been holding the entire time, felt like pins and needles but I didn't want to let go until he let go.

'Can I stay here tonight?' he asked, breaking the silence.

'Of course. You can stay as long as you want. I have a guest bedroom.' I replied and he sniffed.

'I don't want to offload all this shit on to you. You got enough to deal with.'

'It's okay. Just promise me, no more drugs and no more booze. I rather have you offload all your shit on to me than see you like this.' he finally looked at me, his eyes red and puffy and I reached for the box of Kleenex on the table, handing him a few tissues.

'Promise.' he said, wiping his face dry and blowing his nose.

Maybe it was naive of me to make him promise. I had no idea how serious his habit was and I didn't ask. For today, he had dealt with enough. I got up, walking into the kitchen to get some water and a piece of cake and when I turned around he was standing there, leaning against the counter.

'You thought I would hate you. That's why you kept me away. That's why you didn't let me be your friend.' Gerard said and when I didn't respond, he knew he was right. I handed him the cake which he put down next to him.

I couldn't tell if I felt relief at his words. Hating me could have possibly helped him.

'I thought...I thought, even if you didn't hate me, you wouldn't want to see me again. That you would finally see me like your brother sees me, as a reminder of everything bad that happened to you in the last few months.' he stepped closer, cupping my face with his hands and I shivered at his touch.

'Oh Lana. Sweet, silly Lana. You're the only good thing that happened to me in the last few months.' his thumbs stroked my cheeks and his glazed eyes stared into mine.

I felt like fainting when he kissed me, his lips tasting of his salty tears.

Notes

SIGH, this was tough to write.