Someone Out There Loves You After All (Gerard Way)
Chapter 27: In Which My Repressed Issues Surface
My eyes opened once more to darkness and I sniffed, trying to pretend I didn't have tears running down my face after having the same dream that reminded me my Dad had died and that it was all my fault.
"Lyric, are you okay?" I sniffed again when I heard Gerard's voice, he'd either been awake the whole time and listening to me crying in my sleep or my sleep talking had woken him up and he'd started listening because of that.
"Yeah, I'm fine." I wanted to wipe my face, I could feel that there were tears coating my cheeks but I couldn't do a thing about it and they slowly grew cold while I sat in the already cold room that seemed to have gotten even colder while I was asleep.
"I heard you crying about your Dad," he whispered quietly, leaning against me so I could feel him and get the reassurance he was there, "I know you're not okay. Why don't you talk to me about it?" He suggested, I really didn't want to talk to Gerard about Dad, I was worried he'd think it was my fault my Dad as much as I still did.
Ever since October last year when he was killed in the giant car pileup I believed it was my fault he'd died. I'd said I hated him, wished he wasn't my dad and that I wanted him to die on his way back from work, as impossible as it sounded I felt like whatever was up in the sky, God, Zeus, whatever, I felt like it'd heard me and killed Dad because of me.
I don't think I'll ever stop believing that it's my fault no matter how many people tell me it's not whether it's psychologists, friends or my Mum, I'll always blame myself and nothing can change that but I've managed to be swayed on my firm belief that everyone in the world knew what happened and blamed me for it.
It was because of Gerard that I stopped thinking that.
He loved me unconditionally and he'd told me on multiple occasions. He'd smile at me and no matter what mood I was in I'd always feel better and he honestly made me feel like I was a better person. When he was around I wanted to paint more and I wanted to smile more, that's what made me know he loved me, I've never felt like that around anyone else before.
Ever since that time (what feels like, long, long ago) when I woke up crying and pleading for my Dad to come back he's been there to comfort me. It's happened a fair few times since then, me waking up and crying and pleading in the middle of the night and there's not a thing I can do about it but now, unlike before, I can go to sleep afterwards.
Gerard pulls me close, wraps his arms around me and sings until I stop crying. Sometimes it'll be Stay Awake (as he likes to call the song) or Famous Last Words, lately when it happens he hums a tune I've never heard before. He tells me he hasn't come up with the words yet but he knows the song's called The Light Behind Your Eyes and that he's still trying to write lyrics to go with it.
"I don't think you really want to hear. You won't think of me the same afterwards." I murmured, imagining the worst possible situation of me telling Gerard what happened, the worst thing that can happen is him not wanting to be around me anymore which probably wouldn't be that bad since there's a high chance we won't leave this place alive.
"You know my deepest, darkest secret that I never imagined telling anyone outside the band about. I'd be a hypocrite if I were to judge you for whatever it is. Did you think of me differently after you found out I cut?" He asked and I thought for a moment, I didn't think of him as anything else other than himself although I was glad that I finally got the reason behind him constantly tugging on his sleeves and covering up his arms which he'd stopped doing even out in public.
"No, I'd never do that." I told him, being completely honest, I'd be a horrible human being if I were to judge him for something like cutting, I loved him before it and I'll continue to love him for long after knowing.
"See, there's nothing you can tell me that will ever make me think of you as anything but the girl who saved my life and makes every day worth living." I smiled and leant my head against his shoulder, wanting to be able to properly cuddle him, to be wrapped up in his arms and snuggling in our bed back at the apartment.
"Have you ever said or wished someone was dead?" I asked him, hardly raising my voice, I was afraid for him to hear but knew he deserved to know, we've been together for four months and this might be the last time we'll ever be able to be alone together.
"I have a little brother and the loudest group of friends in existence, I have a lot of experience in that category."
"But did you ever really mean it? Did you ever really want them to be dead even if it was just for a tiny, tiny second?" I couldn't imagine Gerard being the kind of person who'd wish someone was dead, he's just too nice, sure he might joke about it around the band but he'd never say it while being serious.
"No." I knew that'd be his answer even before I asked.
"I once told my Dad that I wished he was dead and I wished he'd die on his way home from work. I meant it, it was only for a couple of seconds and I was so angry at him. I know it sounds ridiculous but I wanted to go to a concert and he couldn't take me because he had to go to a meeting at work so I wanted to go by myself and he wouldn't let me so we got into a fight and I said 'I hope you die on your way home, I hate you and I wish you weren't my dad and I wish you were dead' and then I stormed up to my room." My voice had dropped to a whisper and my start started to hurt, I those words were permanently etched into my brain, like some kind of tattoo that would forever remain on the inside of my head.
"He left for work, I painted for a while then Mum came upstairs and told me to get back in the clothes that I was originally planning on wearing to the concert. I got dressed, went downstairs and sat on the couch with Mum. I didn't know if she was gonna give me permission to go to the concert by myself or if she was going to take me there but after a while she got up and made a call while I turned on the news. She said things like 'where are you' and 'you were supposed to be here' so I got the idea that Dad was going to come home and take me to the gig." I bit my lip when I finished each sentence, other than the one time I'd talked to Mum about it I'd always kept this to myself, even when I'd gone to psychologist Mum had only given them a rough idea of what happened.
"I heard on the news that there was a car pileup on a highway and I was worried because I knew Dad took that highway to get home and Mum told me not to worry because Dad should be ahead of the crash. We waited longer and after a while there was a knock on the front door and I answered it, there was two police there and they said they wanted to talk to my Mum. I let them in and then I went upstairs. I knew why they were there and I knew it was all my fault. I cried and I cried. A car had swerved off an overpass and crashed through the barrier and tumbled onto the highway, my Dad's car was the one hit by the car from the overpass. They say he died instantly." By the end I wasn't sure if I was talking to Gerard or myself, I was just talking regardless of whether or not anyone was listening, I'd opened up the verbal floodgates and couldn't close them no matter how hard I tried.
"It was all my fault that it happened and it's still my fault. For a couple of months after he died I would dream about what I said to him every single night. I'd have nightmares where we'd be standing in the hallway and I'd be begging him to say but he'd say 'but you want me to die, I have to leave for work to die on my way back' then he'd leave. No matter what I say or what I do he always leaves and that's the worst part, I can never take back what I've said and each time I know that if I never said it in the first place then it wouldn't have happened, he'd still be alive." The room was so still and quiet that I could hear Gerard breathing and I swear that I could hear his heartbeat as well.
"I was really depressed and Mum started sending me to psychologists. I was handed a limitless amount of prescriptions for antidepressants and other pills. My friends stopped calling me because I'd always say 'I'll call you back' but I never did. Then in about early December Mum came into my room, sat on my bed and handed me this piece of paper, it looked really official and hand a logo in the corner. Earlier in the year before anything bad had happened I sent this application into a really renowned art school in New York that was accepting foreign students on scholarship. The piece of paper was my acceptance letter into the school. I didn't want to go there anymore but before I knew it Mum had arranged things with the school and my aunt and I was on a plane to America." Listening to myself talk it sounded like I could turn my life story into a book or a movie, I've had enough things happen and there's so many ups and downs that it's like a teen sitcom or something.
Gerard didn't say anything and I took that as a chance to add one final thing.
"I'm really lucky to have Dayna. When I first came to America I had no idea about anything and I was still dealing with depression. When she decided to be friends with me I was just this really quiet, brightly coloured girl who sat in the back of the classroom, listening to music and crying every now and then. All the kids thought I was weird, everyone except for her. I've considered killing myself a couple of times since I first arrived here and whenever I felt like it I'd call Dayna and even if I hadn't talked to her in the past week she'd still listen. She's the best friend I've ever had," I smiled, hoping she was alright, "so, what do you think about my big secret?" I asked, lifting my head from Gerard's shoulder and praying that he didn't hate me now like he should.
"I love you and no matter what you say or do I'll never change what I think about you. I never realised that we're so similar though. I've been through almost the exact same thing as you, except I would have killed myself if it wasn't for you. You're my guardian angel." Gerard kissed my head and I closed my eyes, the moment was perfect, even though we were bruised, broken, tired and hungry we were together and happy.
The sound of something clicking and before either of us knew what was happening the room was flooded with a bright light that turned my closed eyelids red.
"Good, you two are awake." I slowly opened my eyes at the sound of a familiar voice, it belonged to one of the two guys who I'd originally met in the subway, they were in the room and probably here to murder Gerard and I.
I know that the first thing I should have probably looked at in this situation was the pair that were going to end my life but instead I focused on Gerard and only Gerard. He looked tireder than I was used to, dark circles underneath his eyes but that was the least of his problems at the moment.
His white hair had patched of a crusty red in it, patches of blood. Dried blood ran down the side of his head from a large cut, a huge bruise ran over his cheek and the was a cut in his eyebrow but no matter how beat up he was, he was still my Gerard and as I looked at him he gave me a smile ignoring the pain he would have received from the split in his lip.
I love him, more than I could possibly love anyone else in existence.
One of the goons leant down behind Gerard and with the flash of a switchblade his wrists were free and he was being hauled up off the ground by the arm which caused him to visibly wince before acting as if he felt nothing. I felt a tugging on the rope that bound my wrists before I was also pulled up, holding in a gasp through clenched teeth when a blinding shot of pain flashed through my ribs and feet at the same time, having broken things hurt, a lot.
"Guess what, time for you two to get your sentences." The taller man who'd punched me out in the parking lot back at the musical hall said, holding me tighter by the arm and pulling me out of the room, the man holding Gerard following.
We were pulled down a dimly lit hallway, most parts of my body aching from a mixture of bruises, cuts, fractures and breaks. I kept my teeth gritted the whole time, refusing to give either of the thugs the pleasure of knowing they'd caused me pain and judging by Gerard's silence he was doing the same thing.
I wanted to kick and scream, I wanted to put up the fight of my life but I was afraid to. If I only had me to worry about I'd be fine, worst case scenario is that I die but I know that they'd have no qualms about shooting Gerard and if I were to start anything there'd be a bullet in his head the second they cocked their gun.
As we reached the end of the hallway the man holding me took a step forward and pulled the door open. Sprawled out in front of me was a giant interior of a warehouse, boxes sat everywhere, fancy looking cars, goons in different states of dress and smack in the middle was a huge table seating at least thirty people all of them looking like you'd expect from the mafia especially the man sitting at the head of the table.
A big cigar hung from the side of his cruelly twisted mouth and gun sat on the table in front of him, one that looked like it should do some serious damage.
When he noticed we were dragged into the room he stood up and clapped his hands together looking satisfied but not in the normal kind of way, like a predator. I've owned a couple of pets and the exact look on his face was the one you would recognise on a cat when they realise they've cornered a mouse.
"Ah, the infamous pair, nice to finally see you two in person and not through the marks on my men." He had the New Jersey accent that you'd hear from any old fashioned gangsta movie and I can honestly say that I wasn't as surprised as I probably should have been but then again the only thing I could focus on was Gerard who was thrown to the floor with a groan shortly before I was thrown too.
"You would not believe the grief I've had trying to find you two. I've never had anyone, I repeat anyone stay hidden for as long as you two have. I've had my men on the streets everyday, asking questions, we almost gave up for a minute then pop! We find ya." I struggled a bit but having my hands untied meant that I could finally move over to Gerard and using my new range of motion I helped him to sit up on his knees like me.
"Do we get a medal?" I asked in response to the man at the head of the table, deciding that if I was gonna die I might as well go out like I've lived, as a sarcastic bitch.
"Oh, we got a wise ass do we?" I gave him the bitchiest smile I could possible manage and stood up, ignoring the pain in my toes and crossed my arms over my chest, not caring how bloody and horrible I must look.
"The wise ass, in the flesh. Now I've got a very full plate so lets get to the motherfucking point shall we?" I cocked my head to the side as the man walked around the table, most of the people who were still seated were looking at me with mildly horrified expressions, as if they couldn't believe I was talking to him as I was.
"Alright, I can respect a tight schedule." He came to a stop with in front of me with his arms crossed as well and I kept the defiant smile on my face, not planning on changing the look until I died.
"You don't get to stick around no more. You've gotten yourself caught up in my business and I can't afford that and your little boyfriend, fuckin' white hair Saint Nick here is gonna say bye-bye too. You've blabbed to him and he's shot one of my men so he gets the same treatment, like putting a horse down." There was no fucking chance I was going to let anyone hurt Gerard, over my dead body and it was very likely gonna turn out like that because he still has a message to spread while I've experienced everything I need to in life, I can die happily.
"Fine, shoot me now then." I held my arms open, challenging him to get his gun and try to shoot me, I had a pretty good guess that he was the sort who liked to be dramatic so he'll probably put the gun between my eyes, talk a little, I can take that chance to grab the gun and start shooting everyone in sight.
"Ha, no. You're pretty and you've got quite the spirit as well, you don't get the same as him. I have a refined gentleman's club in Puerto Rica and a blue eyed, fair face like yours could get me a lot at money. Plus it'll be interesting to see if you've still got the same attitude by this time next year." I was disgusted, what kind of human being must it take to sell another person as if they were an object and without even needing to think about it I know what the kind of place is I'll be sent to.
"Trading a seventeen year old, classy. I'll warn you that I've got a lot more in me than what's on the surface so don't be too shocked if you have any customers reporting lost genitalia." I smirked and imagined how quickly a place would lose its reputation if all of a sudden there was gossip of a crazy green haired person who was known for biting or ripping off bits and pieces.
"I'm sure you won't keep that attitude for long when it's your friend who's copping your punishments." He had an even smugger expression on his face and I felt my hands ball into fists, not liking the thought that anyone I cared for was in danger.
"A shot, willowy, redhead who likes to yell a lot? My boys brought her in an hour or so ago." I clenched my jaw, God-fucking-damn it Dayna, how the fuck could you have let them catch you? What I told her to do was so fucking simple.
"Trust me, she's as feisty as I am." I forced a grin and stood up taller, I wasn't going to let him see that he was getting to me and the fact I was now calculating how on fucking earth I was going to get both my best friend and my boyfriend out of here.
"I'm counting on it. I'm bored now, this conversation is over I've got a meeting to get back to. Take Whitey and dispose of him and Sassy back to the room, do whatever you want to her. She'll be getting the same treatment from the Puerto Rican population soon anyway." The man snapped his fingers then turned away and walked back to the table while I quickly went to Gerard, taking the brief chance I could get to talk to him and say what I needed to say.
I threw my arms around him and pulled him close, resting my face in his neck as he hugged me back, even tighter.
"Gee, we might die but I love you so much and I want you to remember that no matter what. I'm gonna try to get us out of this and I don't want you to do a freaking thing, cooperate and don't say a word but when it comes to it I want you to stall, stall as long as you fucking can and I promise I'll try as hard as I can to get to you." I whispered, talking quickly and knowing he understood me by his small nods, good because I don't have the time to repeat everything.
I drew back and smiled at him, knowing this might be the last time I'll ever see him.
"I love you." I told him, trying to hold back my tears before he kissed me back, it was quick but rough and determined.
"I love you too." He tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear and smiled before we were pulled apart and we were dragged down the same long hallway once more, him being pulled into a different room this time.
Within a couple of seconds I recognised the all too familiar scream off Dayna repeating my name over and over. She had a voice like a fucking foghorn and I've learned recently that she can scream flat out for an entire hour which is gonna come in handy since I'm going to need something that can cover up another noise.
"Dayna!" I yelled, knowing that the second she realised I was in the hallway she'd get louder and stay at that level of loud until I showed up.
"Lyric!" She yelled back, the sound of banging coming from the room next to the one I was being led to, that'll save me some precious time knowing I won't have to run around looking for her when there's things I have to do.
The man holding me by the arm shoved me into the same room Gerard and I had been in earlier and I landed on the concrete floor barely managing to throw my arms out in time to catch myself then rising to a kneel. I noticed for the first time that the man who'd thrown me in here was the same one who'd almost killed Dayna, wonderful, this is gonna make what I'm about to do even sweeter.
He closed the door and locked in before turning around and viciously grinning at me, loosening his tie and undoing the buttons on his sleeves before pushing them up to his elbows. I could tell he was ready to hurt me in one way or another and I couldn't help but be thankful I have a lot of issues and are more than willing to take them out on people when I need to.
Slowly as if he were trying to scare me he lay the objects of his pockets on a wooden box then walked over and as copied exactly what I'd learnt from the self defence Mum had taught me over the years, I lay down on the floor so he'd have to lean down to pull me up.
"Dayna!" I screamed, loud enough that she'd be able to hear me and scream loud enough to stop any sound from escaping this room into the hall.
The man leant over me and I pulled a face, appearing as defenceless as possible as he reached for my arm and in the split second of him leaning down to grab me I threw my fist up, hitting him hard in the throat then kicking my leg up and landing a blow right between his legs.
He immediately fell to the ground, gasping for air because of the kick to the balls and not getting any because of the punch in the throat. I got up as fast as I could being able to move quicker than before because of the adrenaline pumping through my veins and taking the pain of my injuries away.
Refusing to let myself feel queasy about what I had to do I lifted my heavily booted foot and after closing my eyes, brought my foot down on the mans throat. The sounds of gasping increased and I turned, walking away and not looking at the man who would be dead on the floor in a couple of seconds, Dayna's flat out screaming covering any dying sounds he was making.
I picked up a switchblade from the box by the door, a mobile and a wallet, I shoved the objects into my pocket with the exception of the switchblade that I kept open in my hand as I unlocked then opened the door and walked into the hallway. I reached around the door and locked it again before tugging it shut.
If anyone tried to go in they'd see it's locked and something was 'happening' in there.
The room Dayna was in was to the immediate left and I quickly went to it, opening the already unlocked door as let out another series of screams. I closed the door and stepped out from behind a serious of boxes so she could see it was me and not one of the random goons that did God knows what to any other poor victim brought here.
"Hol-" I waved signalling for her to stop saying whatever she'd started, if her tone changed or she stopped screaming and started talking that would prove something was happening and I really didn't need that.
Not saying anything and trying to remain quiet I walked over to her, crouched down and started cutting the ropes holding her against a pole with the switchblade. It only took a couple of seconds before she was standing and stretching her legs, I noticed she had a bandage around her right thigh and asked her how her leg was.
"Not bad, got to a hospital, believe it or not. They bandaged me up, turns out the bullet went right through and I'm drugged up on pain pills so I don't have fuckin' any problems at the moment." She said quietly, knowing she couldn't raise her voice too loud or we could get in some incredibly severe trouble.
"Good, as long as you're alright." I gave her a brief hug and while peering over her shoulder noticed a valve very clearly labelled as 'gasoline', I smiled as an evil thought popped into my head, changing what was originally a rescue mission into an objective of destroy everything.
The seconds I released the hug I went over to the valve and turned it, a brown tinted liquid that smelt like gasoline pouring out and forming a puddle on the ground, this is gonna work even more perfectly than I thought.
"Can you run?" I asked Dayna as we went to the door and she nodded, "alright, I have to get Gerard but there's something I have to get done and I don't have the time so I need you to do it. You saw that valve in there?" She nodded again, "go to all the other rooms except for that one down the end of the hall and turn anything on and if there's nothing to turn on, use this and stab a hole in a pipe." I handed her the open switchblade and she nodded for the final time.
"I-I'll try." She said shakily.
"Do it fast and when you're finished get outside and get as far away from here was possible because the second I get Gerard out this place is gonna turn into nothing but a mushroom cloud. I'll see you soon, I promise." I opened the door and we went into the hallway, her running further to the left and me taking the right, running to where I saw Gerard get taken.
I was lucky and there was only one room in the turn I needed to take meaning there was only one place Gerard could be. Now I just need to hope and pray that nothing bad's happened to him yet and that there's not too many people in the room, as long as there's under three and a weapon is within reach I should be fine.
I reached the door and took a couple of breath, clenched my jaw then slowly twisted the handle, opening the door enough to peek in. There was a series of boxes stacked up high, forming a makeshift wall the blocked anyone from seeing what was behind it but it didn't get rid of the distinctive noise.
Gerard was babbling at the top of his lungs, talking about anything and everything and at the moment he seemed to mainly be focusing on cats, talking about random breeds and by the sound of it, making up his own.
I slipped into the room then closed the door and clicked the lock before sneaking over to the stack of badly put up boxes and started climbing them. Judging by where Gerard's voice was directed it seemed that the thug or whatever I was supposed to call him was standing on the opposite side of the wall so I just climb to the top and jump on him, problem solved.
As I climbed I held my breath, I was terrified to breathe or make any sound that would cause the man holding the gun to pull the trigger and end Gerard's almost un-understandable rant about why cats were a benefit for the eco system. My heart was pounding in my chest as I reached the top of the stack and looked over, yep, there's a guy there and he's holding a gun, that's the one, okay.
I can do this.
Gerard stopped his babble from a brief second when he realised where I was before continuing it once more, now at twice the speed as I mustered the courage to do what needs to be done.
How is it that I can brutally murder someone but when it comes to tackling a guy I suddenly freak the fuck out?
I can't afford second thought, I need to do this now.
I looked at Gee then at the man and in a split second, threw all my weight at him. We both hit the concrete ground which would have hurt if I didn't have adrenaline pumping at a million miles an hour through my veins.
We wrestled for a second me, trying to push him down so I could get up and grab the gun (wherever the hell it was) and him trying to do the same which resulted in neither of us getting anywhere.
Just as it seemed I was about to lose the upper hand and cop a hit the sound of a shot rung out through the huge room and a spatter of something warm splashed against my face as the man who was attempting to sit up collapsed.
Half. His. Head. Was. Missing
I shakily stood up, looking at the exposed brain tissue and gagging, not liking the sight and wanting to get as far away from it as possible which also meant being tackled by a near overwhelming urge to peel my skin away to get the blood and brain splatter from my face and bare arms.
Dear God I've got the pieces of another human being on me.
The whole thing was over in seconds, literally seconds and it made me want to throw up.
A part of me entered a state of auto pilot and I leant down, patting the pockets on the (what was now) a dead body and hoping the man was a smoker. Once more I got lucky and found a high power lighter and took a second to look at it, this was going to be the most important part of the whole event.
Like the room Dayna was in there was a long pipe with the line 'gasoline' on it and I walked over, turning on the tap and watching fuel spill across the floor, quickly turning into a huge puddle that would ignite easily. I mouthed what I needed to do as I ripped the bottom of my singlet, all the way around until I had a long strip of fabric and hardly anything to cover the upper part of my body.
I lay one end of the fabric in a place where it would soon be dipped in fuel making sure it ran towards a reasonably places window that would need to be smashed to get out of.
Finishing what I needed to get done in auto pilot I became the normal horrified me once more and stumbled across the room to Gerard who was cradling his left hand against his chest and holding a rather shotgun in the other with his mouth partially open in an expression of pure shock.
"Gee, we need to go." I told him, tugging on his arm and although it took him a couple of seconds he listened and nodded before following me to the window which neither of us were equipped to break with any parts of our bodies like you see in movies.
"Hang on." Gerard said and then with his good arm he swung the gun at the window that smashed on impact, shattering and falling over the floor, small jagged parts being left that he smashed out as well.
"Okay, Gerard, you get out first." I ordered, pushing him on the shoulder which caused him to throw the gun out the window so it landed on the surprisingly plant surrounded outside with a muted thud.
"No you." He insisted, not seeming like he wanted to budge but I was stronger thanks to the leftovers of my adrenaline rush and he wasn't in much of a state to put up a fight so I easily managed to shove him through the window enough for him to get out.
Gerard landed on the ground with a pained groan and I leant out enough to say probably the clearest thing I've come up with today, "get far away, I'm gonna blow this place up." I hoped that he'd be smart enough to listen as I moved over to the strip of fabric I'd laid out, lighter at the ready before setting it on fire and running to the window as it quickly ate up the material, now praying I'd be able to get far enough away before this thing went off and killed everyone in the building.
When I reached the window I dived, literally dived. I had no intention of waiting around to see if the whole gasoline line went up or not but it didn't take me long to fine out.
The second I hit the ground I was up and running again, grabbing Gerard who was waiting by the line of trees that expanded into a forest and running for out fucking live, a flash of red off to the side slowly taking shape as Dayna when she ran closer to us.
None of us had any idea where we were going other than the direction of far fucking away from this building.
We ran as fast as we possibly could and in seconds, mere seconds there was a loud boom that made my ears pop and ring and quickly after my vision went white.