Save yourself, I'll hold them back

This entire tour has been hazy, I don't remember the last time I was completely sober. My voice is hoarse from singing and my clothes smell like sweat and beer. Night after night, show after show, drink after drink and by the looks of things this ride isn't slowing down any time soon. We have a week home, not that there's much point going back to Jersey and then its back to the studio. I just need to get off that god damn bus. I tried a few drugs in art school, but I've been buying regular for about a year now, after my Grandma, the stress of touring and a combination of other things I'm just not all that good with coping these days.

I ordered my coffee with the last drop of enthusiasm I had left, payed and went to wait for my coffee at the other end of the counter. Frank ordered his shortly after, payed and came and joined me. "At least we don't have long until we go home I guess" Frank said, stuffing a few sachets of sugar into his pocket. he's been tiptoeing around me for weeks trying not to say the wrong thing and this small talk shit is getting old. "You know, you don't have to be like that Frank, walk on eggshells around me"
"I know" was all I got back before the barista handed us our coffees. "Come on, we have to drink these before we get back. The other guys will get shitty if the find out we didn't get them one" Frank said with a dry laugh, heading to the door. I follow him and descend back out to the busy street.

"Gerard, can I just say something?" he said, taking a sip of his drink. I take a few swigs of the hot liquid, steam from my mouth hitting the cold air. "Shoot dude" I said after a little while. His face becoming expressionless, opening his mouth to say something but then stopping himself "I uhh..." he said shakily. "I just think, over the last few months you haven't really stopped to find clarity in things.. do you know what I mean?.. Its just that you are rarely sober these days and you've lost a ton of weight. I only say this because I'm your friend and.. your.. you're brother is worried man" he said. Still looking at me, but now with concern plastered across his face. My heart sank.

"Frank."
he stopped and pulled a carton of cigarettes of his pocket and put one to his mouth. "Frank, he has nothing to worry about. I'm fine, I just need to recharge. I know I got a little out of hand but we're going home, its alright now" I say, completely lying to his face. I can't tell him whats been going on, what I've done. He lit his cigarette and took a drag. "You sure?" he said in a quizzical tone. I nodded and sipped our coffees in silence the rest of the walk back to the bus. I cant tell him the way I feel. If Mikey found out he'd be worried even more.

We threw our empty cups in a dumpster next to the bus. I pulled the door open and stepped inside. "where you guys been?" Ray said looking up before putting two aces on the small table in front of Mikey "Fuck you dude, that's cheating, I've got all the aces in the deck, you cant add cards from your own pack asshole" Mikey exclaimed. Throwing his cards at him. "Fuck you, these comic books are mine because you cheated" He pulled a pile of comic books towards him. Frank walked past me towards his bunk, chuckling at Ray trying to reason frantically with Mikey before he gathered up the rest of the comics.

I grabbed a beer and my bag and darted to the tiny bathroom, closing the door behind me. I pulled out my bottle of Xanax and put the beer and brown bottle on the edge of the plastic sink. I sat down on the closed toilet seat and pushed my hair off my face and looked up at the ceiling, my chest becoming tight. Everything Frank said is on repeat in my head. I rub my eyes and pull out the rest of my cocaine and set it down on the edge of the sink.

I racked up a few lines with my credit card and pulled a dollar bill out of my pocket before the door swung open, and frank walked in. "Shit dude, I didn't know you were.." his eyes locked on the sink and he stopped in his tracks, he squeezed in and closed the door, locking it behind him. "What the fuck are you doing?!" he said in a hushed but angry tone. My heart was beating three times as fast now. "Frank, wait..." before I could continue he scattered the lines an grabbed the bag. "You call this a little out of hand Gerard?!" he said opening the bag, he was about to tip down the drain when I grabbed the bag from him and clutched it tight, I frantically unlocked the door and lept outside and darted to the exit. "GERARD STOP!" Frank yelled chasing me, he pulled me back by my wrist, gripping my clenched fist. "DROP IT" He yelled.

I look over at my brother sat on the couch and my heart dropped as he looked up at me through his glasses with a confused look on his face. Tears filled my eyes and I stumbled backwards, "I NEED IT" I choke, tightening my grip. Mikey shot up from his seat "what the fuck?!" he reached over and pulled my fist out of Franks hand and pried it open. "DONT MIKES" I choked out, pulling my hand to my chest. I dodged past Frank and ran to the bathroom, locking the door and falling the the floor. "GERARD OPEN UP" Frank yelled, knocking on the door loudly. "IS SOMEONE GOING TO TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!" Mikey yelled.

"Mikey, he's got coke!" Frank yelled. "Gerard?!" Mikey called before knocking furiously on the door. "I need it" I said, my voice cracking. I grab my credit card up from the floor and pour the contents of the bag on the edge of the sink, sloppily racking lines. I find the dollar bill and roll it up and snort two of the four lines. All three of the guys yelling my name from outside. "Gerard, don't!" Mikey cried.

A little time passed and the bus got quiet. My head was pounding, I wiped my nose and got onto my feet, stumbling forward into the door. I put my forehead against the wood of the door, tears spilling to my cheeks. "I'm sorry" I sob. Drips of blood dropping to the floor from my nose. I wipe my nose, smearing blood across my face, merging with my tears. I unlock the door and search for my brothers face. Frank was sat on the edge of his bunk with his head in his hands. I walked past him and found my brother, his eyes blotchy from crying. As soon as he saw me he stood up and grabbed my face. "You could have talked to me, why didn't you tell me?!" he sobbed, wiping the blood from my face.

I collapsed to the floor, dragging him with me. "She's gone Mikes, she's just gone and I just cant do it anymore" I sob into his neck. This is the end, there's no more music, Frank seemed so angry, I doubt he'll even speak to me after this. I put the band in jeopardy. I sat up and pushed the hair off my sweaty face, wiping my tears away and looking and my kid brother who looked so disappointed in me. "I'll get clean, I swear" I say in a raised tone so that everyone could hear me, looking around.
Boy, I've really fucked it up this time,

Notes

Hello my lovelies,
I hope you guys are enjoying it so far. I'm subconsciously making it dark very quick.
updates soon! I'm not going to leave it so long in between chapters with the one.
y'all keep being y'all :)