You never know

Therapy was nauseating. They always had some new technique to try change who I am and become another one of their mindless citizens or worse a brainwashed exterminator. They were barbaric like that. If they ever succeeded they knew I would be able to kill a lot of killjoys, they knew how many people depended on me in the desert, people who wouldn’t know what to think as I shot them.

“Hello Gerard, how do you feel today?” Marie asked me in her established non-confrontational tone.

I hated Marie. She was tiny and pretty and the only person I detested more was Korse. I took pleasure in the fact that she feared me, I could see it in her eyes. I was everything she had been taught to fear. I was nothing but a terrorist to her and I could see how hard it was for her to be in the same room as me.

“I’m fucking fantastic Marie, yourself?” my smirk turns to pain as the metal bracelet they kept around my arm electrocuted me.

“Now Gerard you know that cursing isn’t allowed you’re only hurting yourself.”
I gritted my teeth and glared at her.

Today's tactic was a personal favorite of mine association electrocution. Marie showed me pictures and I would say the first word that came to mind. It was always the same, pictures of my crew, my brother or pictures of the propaganda photos BLI have plastered everywhere showing the happy lives of their citizens. It was always a painful session but I could never give them the satisfaction of saying what they wanted to hear. I delighted in the disgusted face that Marie would make before schooling her expression into one of disinterest whenever I would associate Ghoul’s picture with “fuckable” before immediately being electrocuted.

After the fourth electrocution, there was a tapping coming from behind the two-way mirror that looked into the room. Marie sighed and up to leave the room, fortunately leaving the door open so I could hear her conversation.

“This isn’t working. Nothing is working he's just as much Party Poison as he was the day we caught him.”

Marie really needed to work on whispering. I couldn’t hear whatever the person she was talking to said just that they spoke quick and angry. When Marie came back into the room she was flushed and I could tell she was trying hard to keep her annoyance under control.

“A pleasure as always Marie,” I told her as I was escorted back to my cells long as they couldn’t tell I was losing my mind everything would be fine. I just had to wait for my opening.

I hadn’t been to therapy for almost two weeks and I was beginning to think that maybe therapy was keeping me sane. Not speaking to another human for weeks on end does things to a man. The walk to therapy was most likely the only chance I had for escape and now it had been ripped from me. I completely, doomed to rot here until they decided what they wanted to do to me. I tried to think about what the worst-case scenarios would be. Death would be too easy I was the most wanted rebel in the whole desert they would make me suffer.

I could only imagine what they wanted to do to me. The terrorist who was trying to destroy their peace in the of dangerous freedom and liberation. Probably a lobotomy just to make sure had no sense of who was before. To take away my individuality and free will was a fate worse than death in my eyes and they probably knew it.

I’ve found myself to be wandering off more and more in my head with each passing day. I catch myself speaking, having conversations with the people I know I'll never see again. When I realize what I’m doing I'm forced to think about my friends and it physically hurts. It's getting hard not to resent them on some level. A lot of bad thoughts run through my head about them. They escaped and I'm stuck here and left to die? Why haven't they tried to rescue me? Do they even care how much I’m suffering at the hands of these people?

Notes

I really hope you all enjoy this chapter and I want to thank my wonderful beta @SaskiaK who has been endlessly kind and helpful. I can't wait to see where this story takes us!! x