You never know

It had been 37 days. 37 days of being trapped in my own personal hell. I was able to keep track of how often I was fed, I looked forward to the tasteless mush that was pushed through my door once a day because it meant I had survived another 24 hours. They kept me alive but only just, I was losing weight and was constantly thirsty because they always gave me a little less than I needed. I think they hope it will weaken my mental state enough for them to actually get through to me. I knew it was working but I couldn’t let them see how truly weak I had become. Everything was blurred and it was even a struggle to remember my own brothers face. I missed the desert and the freedom it gave me.
I have what I can only describe as conversion therapy once a week, things were bad enough when they were trying to brainwash me into someone other than Party Poison but they somehow found out I was gay and that doesn’t fit into their cookie cutter mold of the perfect citizen. Normally the thought of trying to change someone from being gay would have made me laugh but I’ve seen the damage these evil fuckers can do and although I would never admit it I’m pretty fucking terrified.
Currently, I'm sitting in my cell, I have no idea what time it is but I’ve been fed today so I guess its probably the afternoon. I don't have therapy for another two days which means I'm stuck with my own thoughts for company and when you're confined to a cell and only allowed out every 3 days for an hours therapy session that's pretty much your worst nightmare. I've learned that distractions don't work anymore. At first, I would distract myself by thinking about Fun Ghoul and how happy I am that he made it out alive and how that alone made this all worth it. Eventually, my isolation ruined those thoughts, when I think about Fun Ghoul I think about all the things I left unsaid, how I never told him just how much I liked him because I knew it would mess up our friendship. My head would fill with self-depreciating thoughts of how even if I was good enough for him it would never matter due to the tiny problem of him being the definition of a macho heterosexual male. I tried to think about my brother to stop myself from going crazy over thoughts about Ghoul but that just made me feel guilty. I knew how angry he would be with me for sacrificing myself. The fights we used to have over how reckless I was with my own existence were legendary, he would accuse me of not caring if I left him behind and I would plead with him to understand that I just wanted to be the hero everyone wanted me to be and anyway it didn't matter because I was immortal and really nothing could kill me. Mikey would scoff because he knew how ridiculous it was to claim nothing could kill me, we witnessed death constantly and everyone around me felt it was only a matter of time before I was ghosted.
I let my head fall back against my cell wall with a heavy thud. I missed my red hair. Not long after I woke up they shaved my head which I secretly think is the worst thing they've done to me but most people would probably disagree after all my vanity was legendary. It was growing long again almost reaching my eyes but now it was the dull brown color I was born with and it's driving me nuts. I haven't had my hair its natural color since escaping to the desert when I was 15 dragging my little brother along.
With nothing better to do, I sit and replay my last moments of freedom over and over in my head. I can still smell the stench of burning flesh that comes from killing with blasters and while it used to be accompanied by the euphoric feeling of winning a battle and surviving with my killjoys now it's the last thing I remember before Korse grabbed me. I knew I could distract him enough for my crew to escape. Korse hates me more than anything, I'm the one thing he hasn't been able to kill and it infuriates him. I made eye contact with Mikey and nodded towards the door before I was pushed up against a wall. I struggled against him while watching my crew walk out the door towards the trans am. I had looked Korse in the eyes as he shot me and I silently thanked some god that I've never believed in, that my crew made it out.

Notes

Hey so I'm actually looking for a Beta to help with this fic and also to probably motivate me to write more idk but if your interested let me know??? Thanks for reading it means a lot!!!!!