Hurt Me More

Gerard's pov
I woke up with my throat and eyes burning. My heart felt like it was going to fly out of my chest any second. My lungs felt like they were going to collapse as I gasped for air.

"P-please make it stop... p-please..." I sobbed into my blankets.

Everything hurt and I wanted it all to end. All the bad memories, all the bad thoughts, all the bad dreams. I wanted it all to just end so I wouldn't feel this pain anymore. Years of feeling this way is finally catching up to me.

Shakily taking a few deep breaths I tried calming down but it didn't seem to work. More loud sobs left my lips and more tears came. Crying into my blanket I wrapped my arms around myself. It was two in the morning, the only light came from the nightlight.The shadows felt like they were coming closer making me whimper in fear. Curling in on myself I started rocking back and forth. Debating if I should call for Frank but I didn't wanna feel even more helpless than what I already was.

I waited for hours, sobbing into my blanket as time went on my sobs only got louder. I wanted to scream I felt so depressed. My arms started itching as I thought about things. Trying to work out in my head how to block out everything.Sitting up I pulled my sleeve up and traced the scars running up and down my arm. Some were old, new, self inflicted, some were made by others, some from my parents, uncle, my dads friends...

My heart squeezed and my head began to spin as more memories flowed into my head. I sobbed angrily as more tears came, if that was even possible.

I bit down hard on my arm, drawing blood that flowed into my mouth. The iron tang of the red liquid made me feel queasy but I kept biting myself until there was three large bite wounds. All of them bled and stung.

"This is what you deserve..." I mumbled to myself as I watched my blood drip down my arm. Some of the red liquid got onto the sheets but most of it got on the onesie I was in.

~~~~~
Light filled the room and the sun began to rise but I didn't notice. I stared blankly down at my arm that stopped bleeding awhile ago. When the pain from my arm started to fade I clawed at my stomach making some of my old cuts rip open.

The stinging pain made me feel dirty, useless, even more ashamed at myself. But it was the only thing in my life that I could control. I could hurt myself when I wanted to, I can control that and that gave me just the slightest bit of control over my life.

Tears still slid down my face as I pitched my stomach. Digging my nails in before pulling away, holding my bloody hand up to my face. I almost smiled when I saw the blood. Red staining my milky pale skin.

"Good morning, sleepy hea- Oh my god, Gerard!" Frank said when he saw me. "What happened?! Are you okay?" Frank asked, running over to the crib as he picked me up quickly.I stayed quiet as he ran into the bathroom and got wet towels. He started cleaning my face and hands that had blood on them as well.

"Please, Gee, tell me what happened." Frank said a little more calmly this time. I didn't wanna talk so I stayed silent. Letting him clean my face and hands off. He went to take off my onesie but I snapped out of my haze and started to panic.

"Let g-go." I whimpered, struggling in his grasp as he held me tightly. "P-please don't h-hurt me." I sobbed, thrashing around weakly.

"Shh Gee baby, it's okay, I'm not gonna hurt you." Frank said softly, rubbing my back as he whispered soothing things into my ears.

"P-please let go." I sobbed, not listening to what he was saying. I felt trapped and scared and I needed to get away from him before he saw what I did.

"I need to clean you up, Gee." He said calmly. "I promise I won't be mad."

"N-no." I chocked out as I tried pushing away from him again. "F-Frank, please l-let me do it myself." I begged, finally going limp against his chest. The room fell into silence as Frank rubbed my back.

"Okay but I will be standing outside the door. If you need anything just call for me." He said before kissing my forehead and then walked out of the room. I shut the door and saw that there was no lock which made my heart jump into my throat.

What if he opens the door and sees?

Shaking my head I quickly got my cloths off and got into the shower. My muscles slightly relaxing under the warm water. I stood there for a moment, almost forgetting that I had to clean up.Taking a rag I gently started cleaning the blood around my wounds. Wincing in pain every time I touched my skin. I refused to cry again so I bit my lip and kept cleaning until the blood was all gone.

Getting out of the shower I saw that Frank had laid out some cloths. An oversized sleep shirt that went to my knees along with some sleep pants that were way to big to even stay up do I decided not to wear them. I put on some boxers that fit loosely but they would have to do. These cloths were different that the baby cloths Frank made me wear.

"Are you all done?" Frank called makes me jump in fear before remembering it was just him.

"Y-yeah..." I said, my throat burned from all the crying.

"Aww, don't you look cute." Frank chuckled making me blush and smile slightly. My mood was already getting a bit better just because of him. My stomach growled loudly making me blush even more. "Wanna eat some breakfast and maybe have a bottle?"

I nodded my head timidly and felt the overwhelming need to be held. Taking a few deep breaths I slowly lifted my arms up and made grabby hands up at Frank. It felt odd doing this when I wasn't acting like a baby but I felt safe in Frank's arms. Frank chuckled and picked me up, rubbing my back as I rested my head against his chest. Nuzzling against him I sighed sleepily, realizing I really didn't get any sleep at all last night.

"Is baby tired?" He asked, I nodded and fought sleep as he made a bottle and sat down on the couch. Cradling me he fed me the bottle as he rocked me to sleep. "Sleep, baby, you're safe."

Notes

Not Edited