Fantastic Bastards in Monroeville (Frerard)

Frank’s been acting a little different today; not in a bad way, but still a way to make me curious. He was really giddy when he got up and showered, and is now all smiles and giggles as we got our breakfast in the cafeteria. Today it’s pancakes, sausage links, and fresh fruit. I’ll try to eat the pancakes and fruit, but avoid the sausage, I said to myself. I’ve been improving with eating more food, despite how difficult it truly is. I swear that I gag every time I put food in my mouth, and chewing and swallowing is just as hard. I know that I’m getting fatter with every mouthful of food I put in my body, but I’m doing this for Frank. I promised him I would eat more, and I’m doing just that. Maybe Dr. Levin was right. Maybe I do suffer from some form of body dysmorphia. If everyone is saying I’m skinny as a twig and I see myself as a fatass, then something must be wrong…
I looked over at Frank, who was talking under his breath and still smiling and giggling as he walked to a table to sit at with his tray of food. I joined him, as I did, I saw Brendon pass by us as he sat down with Pete and Patrick at another table. I smiled and waved, and he did the same back to me. It was good to see him not crying this time. I diverted my attention back to Frank, who laughed and grinned as he shoveled his pancakes into his mouth.
“What’s so funny, Frank?” I asked, taking a bite of my fruit and holding back my urge to gag.
“Nothing. I got great news!” Frank announced.
“Really? What is it?”
“My dad is gonna come visit me today! He told me through the chip implanted in my head that he’s finally got time off work to see me!”
I smiled, even though deep down I felt sad for Frank. Based on the bit of information I’ve heard from Bob, Frank’s dad doesn’t seem to be involved with his own son. If anything, he was an abusive piece of shit. But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe Bob lied about Frank’s dad beating him into a coma and being absent. If that’s so, what’s with the giant scar on the side of his head? I do know for a fact that Frank doesn’t have a chip implanted into his head, though. Knowing that that is a lie is just plain old common sense. I didn’t wanna be the one to burst Frank’s happy bubble, so for now I’ll just go along with Frank’s delusions.
“Really? That’s great!” I said, fake smile still on my face. “I can’t wait to meet him,”
“I know, right? I really want you to meet him,” Frank replied, finishing up his tray of food in record time. I haven’t even touched my pancakes. It was at that moment I heard a commotion stir up in the room. I looked up to see some attendees tending to Ray, who rocked back and forth with his hands over his ears, his eyes filled with utter terror. I sighed deeply, feeling bad for the poor guy. Ray’s been having these episodes so frequently that I swear it’s tiring the staff here. Now I see why he’s being transferred to Kingwood.
After eating my fruit and a bit of my pancakes, I gave up forcing myself to eat and followed Frank to group in the day room. We sat down next to each other as we waited for the others to join in. When everyone (except for Ray) sat down, Dr. Haycraft came in and sat with all of the patients, clipboard in her hand.
“Well good morning, everyone!” she sang. “Well, you guys know the routine. Say your name, how you’re feeling on a scale of one to ten, why you feel that way, and why you’re here. Who would like to go first?”
Next to me, Frank shot up his hand quickly after Dr. Haycraft spoke, a huge-ass smile on his face. I’ve never seen someone so eager to go first in group.
“Me, me, me!” Frank exclaimed. Dr. Haycraft laughed.
“Okay, Frank. You go first,” she said.
“Yay!” Frank exclaimed. “So my name is Frank, and on a scale of one to ten I’m at a ten, and...I’m here because my mom sent me here, and I don’t know why,”
“That’s great that you’re feeling good, Frank! Can you tell us why you’re feeling at a ten today?” Dr. Haycraft asked.
“It’s because my dad is gonna come see me today!” Frank said, glee in his voice. “He finally got time off work so he can come see me today, and I’m really excited about it!”
“Oh, here we go again,” said Jimmy, rolling his eyes, Bob next to him shaking his head in disapproval. Frank immediately saw this, and the expression on his face dramatically changed from happy to angry.
“Oh, fuck off! You’re just jealous that no one comes to visit you!” Frank yelled, his voice laced with venom.
“Now, Frank...we don’t use that kind of language here,” Dr. Haycraft said firmly.
“Your dad is not gonna come see you. He never will. Your dad is dead!” Bob said mockingly, laughing as he spoke. “Your dad beat you into a coma. He doesn’t love you!”
“Enough, Bob!” Dr. Haycraft yelled, trying to contain the conflict that was unfolding, but was clearly failing at doing so. Thanks, Bob and Jimmy.
“Fuck you, Bob! My dad told me he’s gonna come see me! He told me himself he will!” Frank said, no longer the happy self he was minutes ago.
“Let’s change the subject and move along, okay?” Dr. Haycraft suggested, a few patients nodding in agreement. At that moment, Frank began to lose his steam, sinking back into his chair and no longer having a look of hostility on his face. I put a calming and reassuring hand on his shoulder, squeezing it. When I was sure Frank calmed down, he turned to me and nodded, smiling a bit.
I tuned out for the rest of group, not listening to what everyone else had to say. I really don’t give a shit about anyone except for Frank, and maybe Brendon too. I decided to listen to him when it was his turn.
“My name’s Brendon. I’m at a six. I’m here because…,” he paused, his eyes looking like he’s thinking long and hard of what to say. “...because I’ve been depressed and suicidal since I lost him…,”
Dr. Haycraft nodded silently. I’m assuming she knows who Brendon’s talking about. Surely she has some notes about what Brendon’s always crying about...at least, I think she does. I’m still a little happy that Brendon isn’t crying like he usually has been doing since I first got here. He’s healing.
“Can you tell us why you’re at a six?” Dr. Haycraft asked.
“Because...I think of Ryan, and even though I miss him, there’s nothing I can do but look at the good times we’ve had, and knowing that I have those memories makes me happy,” Brendon said calmly, smiling a little.
“Thank you, Brendon,” Dr. Haycraft said, turning her attention to me since I’m last in the circle. “Gerard?”
“Yeah,” I replied. “My name’s Gerard. I’m at a five. I’m at a five because...I guess I’m just in a neutral mood. I’m here because…,” I paused, thinking of how to put my words together. I opened up my mouth when I think I found the right way. “...because I am depressed and suicidal, and suffer from an eating disorder,”
“Thank you, Gerard,” Dr. Haycraft said, writing down some notes on her clipboard. “Well, that wraps up our group for today. You’re all free to go. Our next group will be at ten,”
Everyone, including me and Frank, got up from our seats and headed out of the day room, while some stayed behind to watch t.v or do whatever else they wanted to do. I dunno what I’m gonna do to pass the time til next group. I’ll think of something.

_ _ _
I ended up doing some artwork with my new sketchpad and watercolors to pass the time until it was time for us to gather up for our next group. The entire time, Frank would not shut up about him seeing his dad. If only I could tell him the truth, but I can’t. The last thing I wanna do is break his heart. I barely know the truth about Frank’s dad myself. After all, Bob is the kind of guy that enjoys pushing people’s buttons. Maybe Bob’s lying? I hope so.
Frank and I walked to the day room and sat down next to each other. When everyone else came in and sat down, Dr. Haycraft came in and took a seat, clipboard in her hand as the usual.
“Welcome, everyone. Why don’t we go around the room introducing ourselves? Just say your name, and...your favorite color, to break the ice!” she said, smiling. I tuned out as the usual, not listening to the other patients say their names and favorite colors. I did, however, pay attention to Frank. My full attention was on him when it was his turn.
“I’m Frank and I like...green!” he said happily. He then turned to me as everyone’s eyes became focused on me. I was next.
“My name’s Gerard, and I like…,” I paused. I never knew what my favorite color is. I never cared to think about it. I quickly looked up at my long red hair and decided to just go with that. “My favorite color is red,”
“Just like your hair!” Dr. Haycraft laughed. “Alright. We’re gonna talk about depression today and how to cope with it. I’m sure a lot of you in this room have struggled with it, so we’re gonna discuss just that,”
Ugh, really? We’re gonna talk about something that I struggle with pretty much every day? I’m surprised that I’ve been able to get out of bed and shower every day since I got here. There were some days where I was unable to do that. I guess that’s progress, though. Maybe the new medication I’m on works, after all.
“With that being said, is there anyone that’s willing to share their experiences with depression? You don’t have to if you don’t want to. Just say what you’re comfortable with saying. Any volunteers?” Dr. Haycraft asked, looking around the room. A few seconds later, a hand went up. It was Brendon.
“I’ll go,” he said.
“Good, Brendon. Go on ahead,” Dr. Haycraft smiled.
“Okay...so I’ve pretty much struggled with depression since I was a teenager. I was diagnosed with it when I was in high school. There were some days where I couldn’t get out of bed because I had very low energy and motivation. I also didn’t keep up with my personal hygiene, so doing stuff like showering and brushing my teeth was rare. I also cut out a lot of people from my life. I didn’t talk to anyone because I felt like everyone secretly hated me. I was also suicidal a lot. I always thought of ways I could off myself. I just felt worthless and hopeless all the time. Even when I had Ryan in my life, my depression was still a struggle…,”
Brendon held his hand over his mouth, his face contorting to a look like he was ready to cry. Meanwhile, my mouth just hung open. Brendon did a perfect job of describing his struggle with depression. I can relate 100 percent. I feel the need to say something. Kudos to Brendon, man.
“I can relate,” I said, everyone’s head turning to me. “Brendon, you described exactly how it is for me. I’m surprised that I’m able to get out of bed and shower everyday. I guess I’m doing that because I don’t want anyone to give me a hard time about it. But anyway, good for you. I don’t think anyone here can better describe depression better than you,”
“Thank you,” Brendon said, sniffling a little as he wiped at his eyes.
“Thank you for sharing, Brendon. That was very brave of you,” Dr. Haycraft said, writing down some notes in her clipboard, like the usual. Suddenly, someone scoffed. We all looked over to see who it was. It was, of course, Bob. He shook his head in disapproval.
“Got something to say, tough guy?” I asked in the most intimidating tone I could pull off.
“Get over yourselves. Depression is just a way for people to get attention. Just get over it!” Bob said. It was at that moment I was ready to pummel Bob’s face like I did before. I growled, sitting up from my seat. I felt someone place their hand on my shoulder. I look to see that it was Frank, a look on his face pleading with me to not start another fight. As much as I wanna punch Bob in the face for what he just said, I really don’t wanna go back to solitary confinement. I sighed and sat back down, giving Bob the dirtiest look I could give someone. I wasn’t finished talking, though. I wanted to say more. I wanted to get my point across to everyone.
“Depression isn’t just a way to get attention. It’s much more than that,” I said. “It’s like this big black hole that you’re stuck in. On the outside you might be fine, but on the inside you’re dying inside. You want everyone around you to let you know you’re okay, so you just fake a smile for them. Depression is something that needs to be treated professionally, and...that’s why I’m here. That’s why Brendon’s here. That’s why a lot of people in this place are here…,”
I think I just swept everyone off their feet (except for Bob, of course). Everyone except for Bob looked at me with their jaws dropped to the ground, including Dr. Haycraft. I think I did a good job explaining what depression is like, to say the least. I got my point across to everyone.
“Gerard, that’s…,” Dr. Haycraft said shakily. “That’s a perfect description for depression. Thank you,”
“You’re welcome,” I replied. Next to me, Frank smiled at me. I returned it, feeling a little accomplished.

_ _ _
After group, we had an hour of free time, then lunch. Today it was fish n’ chips with coleslaw. I only ate the coleslaw since fried foods are really bad for you. I gave my fried fish and french fries to Frank. After that, visiting hours came around, and that’s when the wait began for Frank’s dad to show up. I knew he wasn’t gonna show up. Anyone should know that. At least, I was almost positive that Frank’s dad wouldn’t show up, assuming what Bob said is true, which I hope isn’t. If it is, then Frank’s dad is a piece of shit and deserves nothing but the worst to happen to him. I so badly wanna tell Frank the truth, but I just can’t…
I felt my chest constrict when I saw two familiar people walk into the day room. The first one is a woman with permed blonde hair, the second is a tall man with glasses and graying hair. I know who these people are, and I didn’t expect them to see me--it’s my parents. I didn’t know what to say them. I can’t even speak. They haven’t spoken to me since I tried to kill myself. What was I supposed to say to them anyway? I definitely wasn’t prepared for this.
“Hello, son,” my mom said, looking at me blankly. I could tell she wasn’t thrilled to be here, and neither was my dad.
“Hi, mom...hi, dad,” I said to my parents, my voice shaky. It wasn’t long before things became awkward, all three of us standing in silence. I so badly wanna disappear.
“I think we should talk, Gerard. We should find a place to sit,” my mom said, breaking the silence.
“Oh...yeah, sure,” I said. I walked mom and dad to the cafeteria, where we all sat down at a table. I wish Frank was around. I would feel less on edge then and I would introduce him to mom and dad to show them that I’m making friends. I just hope he’s okay.
“We have a lot to discuss,” my dad said, with zero emotion in his voice. I just gulped, my whole body visibly shaking. I know I shouldn’t be like this in front of my parents, but for the life of me, I can’t calm down, and I don’t know why.
“Like what?” I asked reluctantly.
“What you’ve done to us!” my mom nearly exclaimed, making me jump. “Do you not realize the amount of damage you’ve done to us?”
I didn’t know what to say; not only because I was almost scared shitless, but because I genuinely didn’t know what my mom had meant. I didn’t know how I affected them by me trying to off myself. My parents are very distant people, and the truth is I don’t have much of a relationship with them. Mom spends her days either at her job at a hair salon or at home sitting on the couch watching tv, while dad is mostly either at work at his office job or out drinking with his friends at bars. It’s not that I outright hate my parents or anything, it’s just that they really don’t want anything to do with me or Mikey, I guess.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said. “What do you mean by--”
“You mean you don’t know? Your little incident costed us thousands of dollars! Why would you do that to yourself?” dad said, raising his voice. “Why didn’t you tell us anything? Why didn’t you turn to us if you felt so depressed?”
I sighed deeply. I did what I did to myself because I lost Lindsey, someone that meant the whole world to me, and no one could help me. It’s not like my mom and dad ever cared for me anyway. They were more worried about work, t.v shows, and going to bars, so who would think I would turn to them when I was hurting and depressed and suicidal?
“Because…,” I stuttered. I breathed in and out deeply, then regathered myself. “Because you’re never there when I needed you guys. You were both either at work, watching t.v, or hanging with your buddies at the bar,”
Mom and dad looked absolutely floored, their eyes wide with shock and jaws hanging down to the floor. They looked at each other, then back to me. At that moment, Frank walked into the room and smiled when he made eye contact with me. He rushed over to our table and looked over at my shocked parents.
“Mind if I sit with you guys?” he asked. Right now may not possibly be a good time, but I love having Frank around me. Besides, I need him right now. I am too scared to face my mom and dad at the moment.
“Who are you?” my dad asked, a disgusted look on his face as he looked at Frank up and down.
“I’m Frank. I’m a friend of Gerard. Nice to meet you two!” Frank said, smiling. He was clearly oblivious to the situation that had taken place.
“Can he leave? This is supposed to be between me, you, and your father!” my mom hissed, clearly annoyed. I shook my head.
“No. He can stay if he wants,” I said firmly.
“Ugh...fine,” mom sighed, turning to Frank. “Since you’re staying, I assume you’re aware of what Gerard’s done, right?”
Frank looked down and bit his lip, looking deep in thought. He then turned to me, then back to my mom, nodding his head.
“Yes, ma'am. I’m aware. He tried to kill himself...but he failed, thankfully,” he said.
“But you do know what him attempting suicide costed us, right?” my dad asked, exasperated. “Gerard’s little episode has put us in so much debt! Me working overtime isn’t enough to cover it! Not only that, but he could have died! We were worried sick about him!”
“Bullshit,” I spat. “All you care about are your friends you see at the bar. You’re barely ever home anyway. You never check in with me to see how I’m doing. You just don’t care, and neither does mom,”
“We do care! Why do you think we came to see you?” mom asked, dishonesty radiating from her.
“You came here to guilt trip me! The first thing that came outta your guys’s mouths is the fact that me being sent here costed you a lot of money!”
Suddenly, it was as if the whole room was put on pause. Everyone was so quiet that you could hear a pin drop. I looked at my mom and dad, who both looked mortified. They were defeated by my words. I have shot them down.
“Oh, Gerard…,” my mom whimpered, tears leaking from her eyes as she began to cry into her hands.
“Now look what you’ve done, Gerard!” my father hissed, reaching over to my mother’s aid. “Are you happy now?”
“Leave him alone! He did nothing wrong!” Frank said angrily, giving dad a dirty look. “You’re the ones that failed him by ignoring him. You didn’t bother to do anything when he was hurting! You’re the ones that should be ashamed!”
I looked over at Frank in shock. I couldn’t believe he said that...but he did! Mom and dad also looked at him, completely stunned. My father shook his head, putting a supporting hand on mom’s shoulder.
“I think we should leave,” he said bitterly. My mom nodded, still in tears. “You and Frank have got a lot of nerve to talk to us like that,”
“Whatever,” I spat, crossing my arms. I wanted nothing to do with them. My own mom and dad deep down didn’t care for me, despite trying to convince me that they did. They’ve never been there for me in my times of trouble. I bet they don’t even care that I tried to kill myself. All they cared about was the money, and they only came here to guilt trip me. Hell, if I ended up dying, I’m sure that they’d be happy that I won’t be a bother to them anymore. Mom and dad stood up, preparing to leave me and Frank behind.
“Don’t bother calling us, Gerard. We’re gonna tell Mikey about how you’ve treated us. Goodbye,” dad said before he walked out the door with mom. They walked down the hall and left out the door that lets the staff and visitors in and out, leaving just the two of us together. I turned over to Frank, who still looked like he was fuming with anger.
“They had no right to talk to you the way they did,” he growled. He breathed out deeply, losing his steam. “Sorry, Gee,”
“It’s...it’s fine,” I sighed. Deep down, there was a part of me that regretted treating my mom and dad the way I did during our little visit. It’s not that I hate them or anything like that. Maybe I was too harsh on them. After all, they’re the ones that raised me and put a roof above my head, amongst other things. Maybe I shouldn’t have done what I did to them. It’s too late for that now, though. They probably hate my guts now. I slammed my fist down on a table, the loud bang echoing throughout the room. “Goddamnit,”
“Gee…,” Frank said, putting a hand on my shoulder. I turned over to him. I shouldn’t be lashing out in front of him. He doesn’t deserve it.
“Sorry…,” I said, deciding that we should go sit down somewhere, probably in the day room. “Let’s get outta here,”
“Okay,” Frank said, following me to the day room. We sat down on one of the couches and watched a hockey game on the t.v. I turned and got a good look at Frank. His head was down as he muttered under his breath, like he was talking to someone. It wasn’t long before he looked back up at me, a frown on his face.
“I don’t think my dad is coming to see me…,” he said, looking defeated. “He must’ve gotten busy with work,”
“Oh...I’m sorry,” I said, feeling sad for Frank. All he wants is to see his dad…
“But you know what? I don’t think my dad is gonna come to me...I gotta come to him,”
Wait...what?
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“I gotta find him, and you’re the one that’s gonna take me to him!” Frank said, smiling. “We gotta get outta this place somehow and find my dad!”
I really don’t know what to say. Frank wants me to help him find his dad. He wants me to escape with him. This isn’t right, but I don’t wanna tell him that. If Bob’s right about Frank’s dad, then I don’t want Frank to know the truth about him. I just smiled at him and nodded. I can’t let him know the truth about how I feel.
“Okay, Frankie,” I said. Frank’s smile grew wider as he hugged me tightly, squeezing me in his embrace. I hugged him back, rubbing his back. I know what I’m going to do.
I’m gonna find out the truth about Frank’s father.

Notes