Defenceless.

Chapter 5.

The next day, as promised, we all met up at my house for a trip. I had nervously paced across the room for about two hours before everyone was supposed to meet up, replaying yesterday's scene in my head.

Will Izzy be pissed off with me? Upset? Will she even show up?

This is what I meant, about fucking people over unintentionally. I fucked Izzy over blindly.

When Izzy, Gerard, and Mikey showed up, they were all in the Gerard's car. He had probably picked Izzy up. I grab my duffel bag, walking outside, meeting them on my porch.

“So are you guys gonna tell me where we're going now?” I ask, making direct eye contact with Gerard, then Izzy. I was almost testing them, looking for signs of anger.

“You'll see when we get there.” Mikey shrugs, his mouth a thin line. I pull out a cigarette and lighter, watching everyone as I cup my hand to light up my cigarette.

Gerard doesn't smile, doesn't even look at me. He keeps his eyes trained on nothing in particular, anything but me.

“‘Kay….um, should we get going?” I ask, taking a drag from my cigarette. Izzy nods hastily, gravel crunching under her foot as she made her way back to the car.

I get into the backseat, putting my duffel bag by my feet. Izzy gets into the backseat, ignoring me as she goes. Gerard gets into the driver's seat, Mikey in the passenger's. I sigh, sitting back and staring out my window.

An hour into the car ride, and i find myself wondering why was i sitting in a car full of people who were angry at me, excluding Mikey? Why was Gerard even mad? How did I get here?

I know how. I gave Izzy a ride. I talked to her, tell her how I felt, what I thought, and it turned out to be meaningless, and useless.

I'm pulled out of my thoughts by a sudden tap on my shoulder, and a squeal of my name.

“Your nose, it's bleeding.” Izzy tells me, her voice high.

“Oh, hell,” I murmur, touching my finger to my nostril.

“Here,” Mikey says, handing me a wad of tissues. I thank him, nodding.

“Sorry, my nose bleeds a lot when I'm traveling. I thought I'd gotten over it though.” I explain, feeling awkward as blood rushes into the napkins.

“You didn't think to mention that?” Gerard says, more if a statement then a question. He rolls his eyes, annoyed.

“What, Gerard?” I demand, my voice firm.

“I'm just saying, you coulda said something.” He responds, his jaw set.

“I'm not asking about that. What did I do? Why are you even fucking mad at me? I get why Izzy’s mad, but you're being a dick for no reason.” I huff out, staring at him in the mirror. He doesn't return my gaze.

“I’m not mad at you.” Izzy states, setting her jaw.

“Bullshit.” Gerard says, his eyes filled with anger. Suddenly we're all arguing, none of us even able to hear the other. I hear a couple fragments of statements, nothing pleasant though.

“Shut up! Shut the fuck up! He’s bipolar Frank, He’s fucking bipolar! You know that!” Mikey yells suddenly, shutting us all up. I stare at Mikey, suddenly just now digesting the information. Gerard was acting like this, so different from yesterday, because he can't help it.

“I- I didn't think that...he was serious when he said it.” I offer pathetically, training my eyes on Mikeys.

“Yeah well, he was.”

“Don't talk about me like I'm not here.” Gerard states, sounding defeated. The sentence seemed to end the conversation, but I couldn't stand the silence.

I’m the first to give in, feeling irritated and squeamish by the silence.

“I’m sorry Izzy. I didn't know you would mind if Gerard and i…” I trail off, not knowing how to finish. Her eyes stay trained on mine, wide and surprised.

“I...thank you. I didn't think I'd mind if you and Gerard did...anything either. I'm sorry for leaving yesterday. I should have stayed and talked to you.” She responds, her hand resting on my shoulder. Gerard eyes look pained through the mirror, his lips pressed together.

“Izzy, I'm sorry.” Gerard says, not being very specific.

“Me too, Gee.” She says, nodding, sounding far away.

All I can think is I knew better. I knew better than to blindly fuck people over.
*
*
*
I fall asleep eventually, and when I wake, I'm the only one in the car. It's cold, and Mikeys door is open, but it's so dark I can't see anything outside. I carefully unbuckle, feeling confused. I groggily open my door, nearly falling out as I open it.

“Good morning sleeping beauty.” Izzy calls to me, grinning. She's sitting on a bench, a gas fired lantern sitting next her. I look around, seeing a tent pitched up, as well as a barbecue.

“Where the fuck are we?” I ask, dragging myself over to the bench.

“At a campsite in the Grand Canyon.” She replies nonchalantly. I raise my eyebrows, too tired to even question who the hell chose to come here.

“Where are Gee and Mikey?” I ask, leaning my head tiredly on her shoulder.

“Over here, Frankie boy.” Gerard calls, drawing my eyes to him.

“Don't call me that, please.” I responds, tightly shutting my eyes. I open them, feeling a headache coming on.

“Still mad?” Gerard asks, looking like a kicked puppy.

“What? No, no, of course not. Sorry. Blakely used to call me that.” I tell him, focusing the sentence on him since Izzy and Mikey didn't even know who Blakely is. He looked at me a second, as if trying to come up with something in response. I stare back, but he breaks our gaze, averting his eyes to the ground.

“You slept the hold time. That was an eight hour drive.” Mikey muses, his eyebrows raised.

“Now I won't be able to sleep the rest of the night.” I groan, pulling my head off of Izzy shoulder.

“We have beer. That'll help you sleep.” Gerard suggests. I bite my lip, debating it.

“I don't know. I'll probably end up doing something stupid.” I sigh, leaning forward. “How did you even get beer?”

“Same way I got vodka for the party. Fake I.D.” He shrugs, making me raise my eyebrows.

“Gerard Way, you are bad.” I respond, shaking my head. He grins, nodding a little.

“Well, I'm having one, even if no one else is.” Izzy announces, getting up from the bench, flouncing over to the cooler. She grabs the beer case, before carrying it over, back to the bench. She plucks one out of the case, before passing it to Mikey. Mikey takes one, before passing the six pack to Gerard. He takes one, before raising his eyebrows at me, silently questioning if I want one.

“You don't have to just cause we are.” Izzy says, using her nail to pop open her cap.

“I know.” I respond, shrugging, before taking one. We're all silent for a minute, sipping our beers, our minds nowhere in particular. I find myself staring at Gerard, a pang of something unidentifiable lurching through my stomach. His head was raised toward the sky, exposing his neck, outlining his jaw. My next breath comes out jagged, and all I can think is I'm not supposed to be feeling this. These feelings could ruin the only friendships I've had for a long, long while.

I force myself to look away, before downing the entire bottle of beer. Thank God I'm a light weight. I quickly take another, pop it open, but I don't finish this one off as quickly. I cradle the bottle in my hand, looking at Mikey. He’s staring at me, as if he knew what I was thinking. He looks sympathetic, his eyes wide, until he raised his bottle, as if toasting. I raise mine too, unbelievably relieved someone knew, how I was feeling, even if I didn't fully understand how he knows I'm feeling this way.

I feel the beer hit me after a couple minutes, and it's only a buzz, but it's enough to make me wanna go lie down.

I get up, announcing that I was going to sleep, before getting the tent. They had already set up four sleeping bags, so I picked one and laid down. I can't even bring myself to get inside the sleeping bag, I just lay down, and let myself drift.
*
*
*
When I wake, I'm surprised to find how hot I am. I briefly remember falling asleep without getting in the sleeping bag, but when I open my eyes, I know why I'm so fucking hot.

Izzy’s curled into my side, her arms slung around my neck. Gerard’s on my other side, lying half on top of me, his head in the crook of my neck. Mikey was nowhere in sight, to my relief. I look down at Gerard, taking in his features. His black inky hair stood out against my red shirt, unsurprisingly. He looked vulnerable, almost younger, but all the same attractive. I lean my head down, kissing his forehead. He stirs, making me panic, but to my relief he doesn't wake. I admire him for a minute, taking in his striking features.

I hear footsteps outside the tent, and before I can react, the tent's flap is unzipped and reveals Mikey’s face. He stares, unsurprised by our current position, but seemingly intrigued.

“Warm?” He asks, amused. I open my mouth, then shut it.

“I, um, guess.” I respond, confused. This entire week has been confusing.

“You like him.” He states simply, looking me in the eyes. I swallow, hard, looking intently at Mikey.

“I can't like him. Izzy and him...have a thing.” I respond, shaking my head. He draws his eyebrows in, losing his playful demeanor.

“Who said it was Gerard Izzy had a thing for?” He questions, his voice conflicted.

“Isn't that given?” I hastily reply, my mind whirling.

“Why would it be given? It's you she curled up to, not him.”

“I was the nearest person to her-”

“No, you weren't. Last night she was lying next to me. She moved next to you.” He responds instantly. I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. He stares at me expectantly, waiting.

“I think I'm gonna be sick.” I declare, feeling my stomach whirl. I gently, but quickly, removed Gerard off of me, as well as remove Izzy’s arms. I get up, sliding past Mikey, before rushing far from the tent. I drop to my knees, feeling my mouth water uncontrollably. Without warning, my stomach curls, and the contents of my stomach, which is next to nothing, invades my mouth and spills out onto the dirt covered ground.

I feel a hand on my back, surprising me. I hadn't heard any footsteps following me. I turn, relieved when it's Mikey’s face looking down at me.

“Are you okay?” He asks, sinking to his knees. I nod, wiping my mouth. My head pounds, and I can't help but lean over, onto Mikey’s shoulder.

“Does it bother you that much?” He asks, his voice gentle, as if speaking to a frightened child.

“What?” I ask, dazed.

“Hurting people.”

“Yes.” I respond instantly, knowing what question would be next.

“Why?”

“Right before my sisiter died, we got into a huge fight. It kills me thinking she died being angry at me.” I explain. I never expected to ever say it out loud, to anybody. I've never told anyone about Blakely. It didn't feel like a relief, like I thought it would, it felt like nothing. It felt like my words disappeared in the wind, never even reached Mikey’s ears.

But it did. He stares at me, his eyes wide, surprised. Suddenly, he throws his arms around me, tighter than any hug I've gotten in awhile. I return his hug, surprised, but somehow, in the bottom of my stomach, I feel pleased. I feel the walls, holding all of my feelings, my secrets, my hurt and isolation, crack. They weren't completely torn, but it was a start. A tear falls from cheek, and then another, and then there's so many I lose track.

“I've never told anyone that,” I choke out, clutching his shirt. He pulls away, smiling gently, with a hint of sympathy. We sit like that for a minute, listening to the trees rustle.

“What do i do about Gerard and Izzy?” I ask, my voice hoarse, making me cringe slightly.

“Be honest. It's easiest. Keeping it a secret is gonna hurt you most, and him, probably.” He answer, as if it's simple. Maybe it is.

“Should we head back?” I ask, avoiding looking at my vomit. He nods, standing up, before offering me his hand. I smile, thanking him.

We walk back in silence, our feet crunching beneath us. I ran further than I thought.

I hear his voice before I see him, and it sends a pang of adoration go through me. He turns, spotting me and Mikey. Him and Izzy were sitting at the picnic table, their eyes still tired from sleep.

“Hey. Where'd you guys go?” Gerard says, eyeing me. He could probably tell by my appearance that something was wrong. I look at Mikey, debating if I should tell him.

“I was, uh, vomiting.” I respond casually. Izzy’s head snaps up, taking in my jolting appearance.

“Are you okay? Are you sick?” Gerard asks, walking toward me. He presses his lips to my forehead, hastily, making my eyes widen.

“What are you doing?” I croak, confused. He pulls away, frowning.

“Checking your temperature. You seem alright.” He states, still eyeing me carefully.

“Maybe we should go to a hotel.” Izzy suggests. I frown, suddenly wishing I'd kept that to myself.

“We should. That was gnarly.” Mikey agrees, winking at me.

“Alright. Let's start packing shit.” Gerard responds, seemingly okay with leaving. I follow him inside the tent and we begin rolling sleeping bags up. Mikey and Izzy work outside the tent, loading the cooler and the mini barbecue into the trunk. I toss out sleeping bags in with them, then help Gerard take down the tent.

It takes us about thirty minutes to get everything in the car. Mikey looks up hotels, choosing a five star one (seriously Mikey), before we finally take off.

“How are we paying for this?” I ask, guilt pecking at my stomach. Izzy was driving, with Gerard in the passenger's, me and Mikes in the back.

“I told you, I've got a new job. We were originally going to a hotel, but Jay said it was too expensive. Now we have a reason.” Gerard explains, shrugging. Huh. Maybe me throwing up wasn't such a bad thing.

“Let me pay.” I offer, though it sounded like more of a demand.

“No.” Gerard says simply.

“Yes. You paid for the party shit and I'm pretty sure I drank at least two bottles of alcohol, it's my turn.” I reply firmly. I pull out my credit card out of my bag, slipping it into my pocket.

“You don't even have a job.” Gerard states, eyeing my pocket.

“Nope. But I do have college money that I have no intention of using.” I reply breezily. Gerard looks at me with an unidentifiable look, before responding.

“We'll split the cost.” He decides, his gaze dropping. I nod, giving in.

We reach the hotel after a short amount of time, unsurprisingly, in silence. Gerard and I exit the car, heading toward the office. The hotel was huge, and I suspected they probably had a big ass pool and a casino.

We reach the front desk, smiling politely at the girl behind it.

“Hiya, I'm Kayla, what can I do for you?” She asks, smiling at both of us.

“Hi, were looking for a hotel room.” He responds, smiling kindly.

“M'kay, I'll tell you what we have open. We're always low on rooms during the summer.” She states, clicking away on a computer. “We have a room with two beds, and a room with one bed. All the others are reserved.”

I look at Gerard, inwardly sighing. I look over at Gerard, waiting for him to answer. He does, after a second, but I'm too zoned to listen. I just stare at him, taking in his beauty, appreciating it.

“Frank?” He asks, looking over at me. I snap out of it, looking expectantly at him. “Card?”

I give a small ‘oh’ before handing it to him, feeling a little bit embarrassed. He smiles at me, before handing it to the girl.

“Alrighty, thank you. Second floor, on the third block, room 18.” She says, handing the card back to me, along with a key. I thank her, before me and Gerard exit the office. We head back to the car in silence, giving Mikey directs once we get back in. We make it into the room within fifteen minutes, with all of our things. The room had a small kitchen, a huge ass bathroom, and of course a bedroom.

“Alright, who's sleeping with who?” Mikey asks, eyeing us.

“I'll sleep with Frank.” Both Gerard and Izzy say at the same time. They snap their heads toward each other, locking each other in a challenging gaze. Mikey looked like he wanted to laugh.

“Frank, who do you want to sleep with?” Mikey asks, clearly amused. I glare at him, silently cursing him out. “Welp, I can't sleep with my brother. I do not wanna wake up to his morning wood. I call Izzy.”

“Fine.” Izzy supplies, throwing her bag on one of the beds. I awkwardly sit on the other bed, feeling kinda bad. Everyone's quiet for a while, getting settled. Gerard goes to get things out of the cooler in the trunk, and I find myself thinking about my sister. My elegant, light hearted, dead sister. I haven't been to her grave in a while, but every time I go, I don't want to leave.

“Did anyone bring bathing suits?” Izzy asks, suddenly, snapping me from my thoughts. I look up, surprised to find Gerard had return. We respond with a chorus of no’s, making her frown.

“Then were gonna hit up some stores. We're going to the pool.” She informs us, turning back to her phone. Isn't the whole reason were here because I'm supposedly sick? And were gonna go swimming? I guess no ones buying that. No one protests.
*
*
*
“You guys, the pool closes at ten.” Mikey calls from a beach chair, his voice neutral. The pool was huge, probably suited for a couple hundred people. It was nearly deserted now.

“What time is it now?” Gerard calls from behind me.

“Nine fifty three.” Mikey responds carelessly. Izzy dunks her head under water, swimming a couple feet over to the edge of the pool. She climbs out, signifying the end of our pool time.

Me and Gerard follow her after a minute, water dripping from our soaked bodies. Mikey was dry, unsurprisingly. He only got in the pool for about forty minutes.

Izzy leads the way back into the hotel, into the elevator. A blanket of silence falls over us, but not an awkward one. Once we're out of the levator, Izzy bursts into a run.

“Dibs on the shower!” She yells, holding up the key card. Gerard makes a noise of protest, running after her.

“Dear God, I feel like a mother.” Mikey sighs, grinning. I laugh, watching as Izzy nearly trips Gerard. He mocks being offended, before taking the key card out of her hand. He makes it there first, bursting into the room after unlocking it. Me and Mikey make it there last, unsurprised when we spot Gerard, still in his bathing suit, sitting on the kitchen counter.

“She won.” He says simply, shrugging. Mikey snorts, passing Gerard and going into the bedroom. I hop up on the counter, placing myself next to Gee. He smiles at me, the skin around his eyes crinkling in the corners.

“Your hair looks really hot when it's wet.” He states blandly, studying it. It takes effort not to blush at the comment, but I manage to keep a straight face.

“Thank you.” I reply, smiling back. He leans in, his breath slow and hot on my face. A warm, welcoming sensation enters my body, and I can't help but lean in. He places his hand on my thigh, right above my knee. I snap out of it then, looking down at my knee.

“Gerard-"

“I don't care about Izzy. I care about you.” He states, his eyes desperate.

“It's not that.” I shake my head, feeling sick.

“What is it then? Did-"

I never have a chance to tell him though. He had moved his hand up my thigh, and I bolted off the counter, staring at him. He looks at me, his eyes wide.

“Frank, is that…” He trails off, his voice brittle.

“It was..a scar.” I answer, feeling exposed.

“Did you do that to yourself Frank?” He asks gently, his eyes wide and gentle.

“No, God no. It was from- an accident.” That's all I say, all I offer. He just stares.

“Okay. You can talk to me if you want, when you're ready.” He responds in a whisper. I nod, not able to conjure up anything else to say or do.

(Is case there is any confusion, Frank did not want to feel a large scar on his thigh, and got freaked out when Gee touched it.)

“Okay, showers all your Gerard! Told you I'd be quick.” Izzy announces, flouncing into the room in a towel.

“You can go first, Frank.” Gerard offers, smiling at me. I thank him quietly, before turning into the bathroom. I sigh, turning on the water, hoping somehow it'll drown out my thoughts.
*
*
*
That night, we all go to bed at eleven. We had ordered pizzas and messed around after we all showered, but we were all pretty worn out. Gerard goes to smoke a cigarette just as we turn off the lights. It's a while before he comes back inside, and I'm pretty sure everyone else is asleep when he does.

I watch as he rids himself of his hoodie, before laying down next to me. He smells of shampoo and cigarettes, Like he does most of the time.

I reach for him, surprising myself. I wrap my arms around him, laying my head in the crook of his neck. He immediately wraps himself around me, melting into me instantly. I lift my head, pressing my lips to his passionately, feeling warm and tingly. He pressing his mouth to mine with equal force, his hands exploring my body, holding me tightly against him.

And he doesn't stop, for a long time.

Notes