Chapter 3.

I hadn't seen Gerard since yesterday, but today was therapy, so I’d imagine he’d be there.

Izzy had texted me after I’d left Gerard’s, asking me how I felt about the party and telling me about some guy she’d met. I’d faked interest, but really my mind was elsewhere.

I’d thought a lot about Gerard’s life. I didn't know what I’d do without my parents around, let alone with a bunch of siblings to take care of. His family was barely holding on.

I’d sat up half the night feeling shitty about their situation, even though it wasn't even my business.

I went to sleep around four in the morning, and drifting in and out of sleep until about eight, until I couldn't stand to laying my bed anymore.

I texted Izzy, feeling anxious when she doesn't respond. I slipped on my shoes and went downstairs, calling out a good bye as I rushed out the door.

I knew I was acting like a spaz, but I couldn't help it. I barely even knew Gerard, and here I was freaking out about his home life.

I unlocked my car, quickly getting in and starting the engine. My tires skidded as I pulled out of my driveway and down the street, waiting about five seconds at the stop line before lurching forward.

Maybe I wasn't freaking out because it was Gerard’s home living situation. Maybe it was because people actually lived like that, people other than Gerard. I mean, I’d heard of people living lives like that, but I’d never actually seen it up close.

If I wake Izzy up right now, she's going to be pissed. I should bring coffee, or doughnuts, or some shit so she doesn't get pissed off. Fuck, maybe Mcdonalds?

I quickly find a Mcdonalds, ordering a couple things off the breakfast menu and some coffees, before rushing off to Izzy’s.

I get there in record time, even with the small detore. Dammit, is anyone even gonna be awake?

I take my chances and walk up to the door, knocking three times before stepping back. Nothing happens for a minute, until Izzy’s brother, Andres, answers.

“Frank? Damn, its early, I thought you were the mailman with a package or some shit.” He grunts, his air a mess. It was obvious he had just woken up.

“Sorry man, I didn't mean to wake you up. Is Izzy here?” I ask, fighting to keep my voice even.

“Yeah dude, I think she’s still asleep. You go wake her if you want.” He responds, stepping back to let me in.

I’d met her brother on several occasions now, most of them on good terms. The first time he was pissed Izzy met another guy, until he realized we were just friends.

I knock on Izzy’s door, calling out her name. She answers on the fourth knock, her hair a complete mess. She was on a tank top and some sort of female boxer short looking things.

“Frank? Are you okay? You look like hell. Why are you up so early?” Izzy questions, tilting her head. She steps back, patting her bed, motioning for me to sit. I open my mouth, willing myself to explain, just to tell her that my mind won't shut up, but the words don't come.

“I brought breakfast.” I finally utter out, raising my hand to show her the bag and the coffees. She frowns, nodding and setting them on my dresser.

“Thanks Frank.” She says gently, her voice genuine. “Did you sleep at all?”

“Not really.” I answer quietly, shrugging. “I went to bed around four, but I kept waking up. I didn't want to stay at my house when I finally couldn't stand being in my bed.”

She nods, pushing her hair back.

“Do you want to lie down? Gerard and Mikey are supposed to be here at ten. Do you want to sleep until then? We can go out afterward, or we can stay here and hang out.” Izzy offers, scooting over back under the covers. I nod and crawl next to her, slipping under the covers.

She smiles at me, rolling her body on her side and pushing an arm over my chest. She closes her eyes, making her entire face look peaceful as it begins to go slack. I close mine to, setting one of my arms over hers.

The last thing that registered in my mind was the smell of ocean breeze shampoo. Izzy’s smell.
*
*
*
“No, I did not sleep with him, Mikey! Jesus. Me and Frank aren't like that.” Izzy says, her voice squeaking. I had pretended to be sleep since Izzy answered her bedroom door, revealing Mikey and Gerard.

It wasn't that I wanted to listen to their conversation, I just really didn't want to talk to anyone.

“Why’s he here? Did he spend the night?” Gerard asks, not rudely, but more so curiously.

“He showed up at like, eight this morning. He was freaking out. He was shaking, and he wouldn't talk. He looked really, really fucking tired. I told him to go to sleep until you guys got here.” Izzy explains, her voice sympathetic. They were all quiet for a second.

“Should we wake him up?” Gerard asks, his voice soft. I keep my eyes firmly closed, showing no reaction o their words.

“I guess. I don't know.” Izzy says, sitting down on her bed. Her weight on the bed caused my body to move a little.

I pretended to wiggle a little, yawning as I stretched, taking that as a good time to pretend to wake up.

I pop my eyes open, slinging an arm across my face. The lights were making my eyes throb with pain.

“Izzy?” I grunt, my voice rough.

“Yeah?” She responds, her voice gentle.

“Will you turn the fucking lights off before my head explodes? Please?” I beg, lifting my arm a little she look at her. She nods and jumps up, rushing to the light switch, turning it off in a swift movement.

“Thank you.” I murmur, sitting up in the bed. I look up at her, seeing her face twisted in worry. Gerard sat in Izzy’s bean bag, his face blank, but his eyes concerned. Mikey stood by Gerard, leaning onto Izzy’s dresser, his poker face perfectly intact.

“You look like you got hit by a car.” Gerard states, raising his eyebrows.

“That would probably feel better than this.” I respond, reaching for the pocket of my hoodie. “Can I smoke in here Izzy?”

“Yeah, course.” She nods, sitting down next to me. My stomach felt painfully upset, probably from the lack of sleep. I quickly put a cigarette between my lips, lighting it up.

I take a long drag, leaning my head back onto the wall.

“You look like shit.” Izzy states bluntly. I laugh bitterly, nodding.

“Yeah, this happens sometimes I guess. Sorry. I shouldn't have shown up here that early. I'm not sure why I did, I mean, I’ve always managed on my own before.” I respond, keeping my voice monotone.

“Don't be sorry. You can come over whenever you want. I want you to come over when this happens, okay? I can help.” Izzy said, grabbing my hand and lacing it with her own. I nod and smile, which probably looks more like a grimace.

I clear my throat, composing myself as best as I can.

“So, what are we doing today?” I ask, flickering my eyes to look at all of them.

“Well, normally we go down to the train tracks and mess around until it's time for therapy.” Izzy responds, leaping up from her bed. She pulls her drawers open, pulling out some clothes of her own.

“You're gonna be hot in that. Do you want me to see if Andres has anything for you to wear?” Izzy asks, leaving the room before I could answer.

“Why does she bother asking?” Mikey chuckled, staring after her. She comes back a second later, carrying a red t-shirt and black skinny jeans.

“Skinny jeans?” I question, never having recalled Andres wearing them.

“Yeah, he used to wear them when he was younger. You two obviously aren't the same size, so I had to grab some old clothes that you'd fit in.” She explains, tossing me the clothes.

“Don’t hate on skinny jeans Frank, you just don't know what's it's like living on the other side of things.” Mikey says, playfulness evident in his voice.

I snort, shaking my head. “The other side?” I laugh, raising my eyebrows.

“Actually I think skirts are the other side.” Izzy murmurs, looking through her closet.She pulls out a black dress and a pair of black vans, inspecting them before throwing them on her bed. “Turn around.”

“Very classy.” Gerard remarks playfully.

“You know me.” She retorts, snickering. I smile, looking to the wall behind me. I felt undeniably grateful I had people to joke around with for once. I wonder how long it’ll last.
*
*
*
I sat on top of the train tracks looking down beneath me. My legs hung off the side of the tracks, right above the passageway to the tunnel beneath the tracks.

Izzy sat next to me, cigarette in hand, looking down at Gerard, Mikey, and Mikey’s girlfriend.

“He likes you, you know.” Izzy says suddenly, Gerard and Mikeys voices in the background, nearly drowning her out.

“Who? Gerard?” I ask, furrowing my eyebrows. She side glances me, a ‘duh’ look on her face.

“Yeah. I don't mean romantically, but I mean, he could if he knew you better. He treats you different then most people. He listens. Gerard’s a complication guy, with a complicated life, and he doesn't want more people to add to it. But it's different with you.” Izzy murmurs, staring at Gerard. I blink, not really sure how to respond.

“I...I mess up a lot of things. He shouldn't like me. You shouldn't either.” I reply, flickering my eyes down to my lap. She sighs, and shifts her body, lying her head down on my shoulder.

“Frank, you are a good person. I’ve only been your friend for a week, but I know you better then I know anyone.” She says quietly, gripping onto my shoulder. Were quiet for a minute, each of us lost in thought.

“You two okay up there?” Mikey calls, his voice echoing off the tunnel.

“We met in therapy,” Izzy calls back. “What do you think?”

Mikey laughs, as does his girlfriend. I flicker my eyes open, looking down at the three of them. Gerard stares up at me, his face blank. I stare back, studying him closely. He stands there for a moment, just looking at me, only turning away when Mikey asks him a question.

“What time is it, Izzy?” I ask, brushing my cheek ogist her head. She sits up, grabbing her phone.

“3. We should get going, we have to drop off Alicia.” She says, carefully standing up. I nod, getting up after her. We climb down the old rusty ladder that leads up to the trains tracks, being careful not to fall.

“C’mon ass hats, time to go.” Izzy announces, linking arms with Alicia. They walk ahead of us in the green field, back to the car, talking quietly.

Me, Mikey, and Gerard walk in silence, the only the sound being our feet padding on the ground as we walk. I grab my cigarettes, putting one between my lips and lighting it up.

“Cigarette?” I offer, looking at the both of them. Gerard takes the cigarettes, pulling one out and handing it to Mikey, then taking one of his own. I hand him the lighter, putting the cigarettes back in my pocket. He hands me the lighter a second later, smiling at me.

“Thanks Frank.” He says, making Mikey nod, agreeing with the statement. I just nod, keeping quiet. The car comes into view, looking lonely on the side of the rode

“So, do you really think you need the group therapy, or are you just going because your mom made you?” Mikey asks, his voice monotone.

“Uh, neither. I had a choice. I wanted to, for my mom so she would stop worrying about me. I don't think I need it.” I explain, shrugging and then taking a long drag of my cigarette. “Why do you go? I mean, I know Gerard does because he has court order, but your not just going because of him, right?”

“I think it actually helps me cope. I went with Gerard to his first session and I just kept going with him.” Mikey explains, his voice giving away no emotion.

“When did Izzy start going?” I ask, flickering my eyes over to her.

“She started a couple weeks after us, after Gerard told her about it. It's not exactly the kind of group she needs to be in for her ‘problem’ but it got her brother off her back.” Mikey responds. Gerard nods along, as if confirming.

We finally reach my car, each of us getting into it. Gerard takes the driver's seat, and everyone else gets in the back. I turn my key in the ignition, starting the car up. I turn the my music up, blasting Cage the Elephant at full volume, and check for any cops before I speed down the highway at seventy miles per hour.

Once we got into an area with more cars I slow down and go the speed limit, being more cautious. Gerard begins to go through my cds, nodding in approval every once in awhile. At one point he finds a taylor swift cd, holding it up in question. I stare at it a moment, feeling all my emotion drain out of my body. I turn down the music, getting ready to explain.

“Tay tay swift, Frank?” Izzy asks, snickering. I bite my lip, memories flashing through my head.

“That was my sisters.” I say, my voice hard. I look back at the road, holding the steering wheel tightly. I kept my face straight, emotionless.

“‘Was’?” Alicia repeats in a question tone. I just nod, watching as my knuckles go white around the steering wheel. They stay quiet, waiting for some other kind of response, but when none come, Gerard turns up the music, obviously feeling bad for bringing it up.

We reach Alicia’s house about twenty minutes later, each of us calling out good byes. Mikey kisses her before she goes, his eyes following her as she goes in the house.

Slow conversation starts up as I start driving again, although I don't engage.

Instead, I think about my sister. We’d looked nothing alike. I took after our dad, the whole italian look, and she had taken after our mom. She had brown hair and blue eyes, though her skin was still tan.

She liked a lot of different music. Classic rock, Punk, pop, even Taylor swift. She was the most open minded kid I knew.

After about ten minutes of being lost in thought, I pull into the parking lot of the counseling center. I pull into an empty spot, turning off the car, before getting out. We were at least fifteen minutes early, so instead of going inside, we stop outside the doors. Mikey and Izzy engage in a conversation about god knows what, leaving me and Gerard to stand awkwardly, staring at each other.

“Frank,” He begins, his voice gentle. “What was your sister's name?”

“Blakely. Blakely Harper Iero.” I answer quietly, staring down at my shoes.

“That's a beautiful name.” He responds, smiling a little.

“Yeah, it was. She was beautiful. She used to want every one just to call her Bee, thought it made her sound cooler. But she was only fourteen and listening to the misfits and Metallica, as if she could get any cooler.” I chuckle, smiling a little bit. The smile fades quickly though.

“She sounds wonderful. I wish I’d have gotten to meet her.” He responds, his voice so soft that a lump formed in my throat.

“She would have liked you and Izzy.” I whisper, my voice shaking. I look up to his voice, his eyes a beautiful pool of liquid hazel. He stares at me, catching me in a trance. He grabs my hand, startling me for a minute. I close my eyes, feeling calm at he steps closer to me. We stay like that for a minute, his body so close to mine, I could feel the warmth from his body, his hand in mine.

“C’mon guys, it's time to start.” Mikey interrupts, making me flicker open my eyes. I nod, letting go of Gerard’s hand and open the door. I enter the building, the three of them behind me. We make our Way down to Helen’s room, Unsurprised when half the seats are taken.

We have spread out, considering there weren't enough seats open for all of us to be next to each other. Me and Izzy end up next to each, while Gerard and Mikey sit four seats to our left. Everyone from last week was there, with one exception of the girl with the sky blue hair.

Helen comes in, and we introduced ourselves like we did last week, even though there aren't any new people. After we finish, she makes an announcement, her pressed into a gentle smile.

“I'll be starting one-on-one lessons, and I think it would be beneficial for some of you to join. I have the sign up sheets with me, and you can grab them after class if you want.” Helen smiles, holding up the signup papers. Izzy looks at me, raising her eyebrows.

“Are you gonna do it?” She whispers, looking me in the eyes.

“I don't know, maybe.” I respond, shrugging. Did I need it? No. Would it make my mom happy? Yes. Did I want to? Fuck to the no, but I did want to help my mom believe I was okay.

“I think you should.” She says, glancing away. I looked at her, completely shocked.

“I don't need it.” I counter, baffled. She looks at me carefully, shrugging. I grit my teeth, frustrated.

I didn't need it. I was fine.

Notes