A Certain Kind of Death
Two
Gerard watched porn.
She had discovered glossy magazines featuring big-breasted women under his bed one night as she groped around for her stud earring.
"So, Score magazine, huh?" she laughed, waving an issue in each hand.
"What? No!" Gerard shrieked as he jumped from his bed to wrestle them from her grip. "Those are so not for you to see!" She gave up the magazines and her search for the earring, taking a seat on the edge of Mikey's bed as he stuffed them back out of sight. She imagined what Gerard did when he was alone with that reading material. What did he think of? What turned him on? Was she ever on his mind... like that?
She plopped herself back next him in bed on her side, a hand supporting her head. He looked straight up at the ceiling with a deep blush evident across his cheeks, determined to ignore her staring and giggling. They'd only been dating a few days, so she hadn't yet delved deep into his sexuality, but it had very much caught her interest. It'd been just a day before that he'd pinned her to the wall and made out with her until her knees buckled. She thought back to her high school days, when she'd envied Barb Giordano for holding his hand in the halls, and now here she was, embarassing him in his room.
*~*~*
"Just please talk to me," she pleaded, treading behind him as he walked away. He looked like he hadn't showered in days.
"Look, I just like to have a few beers, okay?" he snapped. "Stop hovering."
"Gerard, I just wanted to know how you were. You said you'd call when you got back from New York, and it's three days later, and I was worried..."
"Look, I just need to be by myself right now. I have to figure myself out."
"You're drunk. You're not figuring anything out," she said flatly. "Did the meeting go wrong? Is that why you're acting like this?"
"I'm not talking about this right now."
"Whatever it is, you know you can talk to me," she let out, taking his hand. He snorted, rolled his eyes, and pulled it away.
"I'm not trying to be an asshole, Steph, but the last person who could possibly understand me right now, is you." It was as good as a slap to the face. She felt her throat clench, the threat of tears at how coldly he was acting. It was true that she wasn't chemically imbalanced like him, wasn't constantly trying to get out, wasn't desperately itching for something more, with the exception of helping him be happy. Gerard liked damaged, scarred things, and she was too whole for him. Maybe he resented her for it. "I'm meeting some friends in that bar-" he pointed across the street "right now. Kind of an all guys thing, so I'm gonna go, and then, uhm... you know, I'll just see you later."
And he stumbled across the street, narrowly escaping getting hit.
*~*~*
She had thought that maybe if she got to know him, she would realize she didn't really like him that much after all, and her freshman crush on him would go back to being a private joke between her and Mikey. But she had been so wrong. It became worse than a silly crush, turning into a full blown infatuation. Her days were filled with him being there at some point or waiting for him to be. She liked his nasally voice, his lectures on comic books, and his painted nails. He was polite even to the people calling him a girl, laughing it off and wearing more eyeliner.
It was surprising how she enjoyed her time with him so much, even if they would sometimes just sit and paint orks for his collection while listening to new albums or watching cheesy movies. Even if her parents thought he was a bizarre man and his friends thought she wasn't bizarre enough. He was looking at her then, his hazel eyes full of purpose, unblinking. She could not remember what they were saying, just that the next minute he had taken her face between his hands, and kissed her full on the lips. She'd always been terrible at initiating things, in contrast to Gerard, who was impatient, and dove headfist into them.
"I really like you," he confessed. "I hope that wasn't too rude."
*~*~*
The snow gleamed white under the sun as she made her way to the edge of the meadow. It was Pemaquid Point, a lighthouse in Maine her parents liked to visit with her as a child. The salty air brushed her face as she felt the edge of the cliff drawing her in, but she was afraid to look over. A presence seemed to hold her back, her hand warming as if someone had taken hold of it.
"Don't look down," it said, and the sound was like liquid gold, musical. It made her body warm, made everything look brighter. "Stay here. You'll both live a tainted life forever if you go back."
"Go back?"
"You're dying. This is your cliff. This is where you decide to jump or not."
"I'm not dying," she answered.
"He'll damn you forever."
"I'm not dying," she repeated angrily. She drew her hand back and lost all warmth, feeling the icy air pierce through her like a knife. Beneath her, crashing violently against the cliff, was a dark grey sea. A dizzying sensation overcame her as the tips of her feet aligned perfectly with the last bit of earth keeping her from the fall. Truthfully, she had never felt more peace and an aversion to jumping, but she could not stay. She had parents, friends, many unlived years, and she intended to live them all loving Gerard Way.
"Don't defy your fate," it told her softly."You won't find peace in life."
"I get options, I make choices. Fuck my fate." She slipped off the edge, hurling headfirst into the raging waters and into a world of pain.
She had discovered glossy magazines featuring big-breasted women under his bed one night as she groped around for her stud earring.
"So, Score magazine, huh?" she laughed, waving an issue in each hand.
"What? No!" Gerard shrieked as he jumped from his bed to wrestle them from her grip. "Those are so not for you to see!" She gave up the magazines and her search for the earring, taking a seat on the edge of Mikey's bed as he stuffed them back out of sight. She imagined what Gerard did when he was alone with that reading material. What did he think of? What turned him on? Was she ever on his mind... like that?
She plopped herself back next him in bed on her side, a hand supporting her head. He looked straight up at the ceiling with a deep blush evident across his cheeks, determined to ignore her staring and giggling. They'd only been dating a few days, so she hadn't yet delved deep into his sexuality, but it had very much caught her interest. It'd been just a day before that he'd pinned her to the wall and made out with her until her knees buckled. She thought back to her high school days, when she'd envied Barb Giordano for holding his hand in the halls, and now here she was, embarassing him in his room.
*~*~*
"Just please talk to me," she pleaded, treading behind him as he walked away. He looked like he hadn't showered in days.
"Look, I just like to have a few beers, okay?" he snapped. "Stop hovering."
"Gerard, I just wanted to know how you were. You said you'd call when you got back from New York, and it's three days later, and I was worried..."
"Look, I just need to be by myself right now. I have to figure myself out."
"You're drunk. You're not figuring anything out," she said flatly. "Did the meeting go wrong? Is that why you're acting like this?"
"I'm not talking about this right now."
"Whatever it is, you know you can talk to me," she let out, taking his hand. He snorted, rolled his eyes, and pulled it away.
"I'm not trying to be an asshole, Steph, but the last person who could possibly understand me right now, is you." It was as good as a slap to the face. She felt her throat clench, the threat of tears at how coldly he was acting. It was true that she wasn't chemically imbalanced like him, wasn't constantly trying to get out, wasn't desperately itching for something more, with the exception of helping him be happy. Gerard liked damaged, scarred things, and she was too whole for him. Maybe he resented her for it. "I'm meeting some friends in that bar-" he pointed across the street "right now. Kind of an all guys thing, so I'm gonna go, and then, uhm... you know, I'll just see you later."
And he stumbled across the street, narrowly escaping getting hit.
*~*~*
She had thought that maybe if she got to know him, she would realize she didn't really like him that much after all, and her freshman crush on him would go back to being a private joke between her and Mikey. But she had been so wrong. It became worse than a silly crush, turning into a full blown infatuation. Her days were filled with him being there at some point or waiting for him to be. She liked his nasally voice, his lectures on comic books, and his painted nails. He was polite even to the people calling him a girl, laughing it off and wearing more eyeliner.
It was surprising how she enjoyed her time with him so much, even if they would sometimes just sit and paint orks for his collection while listening to new albums or watching cheesy movies. Even if her parents thought he was a bizarre man and his friends thought she wasn't bizarre enough. He was looking at her then, his hazel eyes full of purpose, unblinking. She could not remember what they were saying, just that the next minute he had taken her face between his hands, and kissed her full on the lips. She'd always been terrible at initiating things, in contrast to Gerard, who was impatient, and dove headfist into them.
"I really like you," he confessed. "I hope that wasn't too rude."
*~*~*
The snow gleamed white under the sun as she made her way to the edge of the meadow. It was Pemaquid Point, a lighthouse in Maine her parents liked to visit with her as a child. The salty air brushed her face as she felt the edge of the cliff drawing her in, but she was afraid to look over. A presence seemed to hold her back, her hand warming as if someone had taken hold of it.
"Don't look down," it said, and the sound was like liquid gold, musical. It made her body warm, made everything look brighter. "Stay here. You'll both live a tainted life forever if you go back."
"Go back?"
"You're dying. This is your cliff. This is where you decide to jump or not."
"I'm not dying," she answered.
"He'll damn you forever."
"I'm not dying," she repeated angrily. She drew her hand back and lost all warmth, feeling the icy air pierce through her like a knife. Beneath her, crashing violently against the cliff, was a dark grey sea. A dizzying sensation overcame her as the tips of her feet aligned perfectly with the last bit of earth keeping her from the fall. Truthfully, she had never felt more peace and an aversion to jumping, but she could not stay. She had parents, friends, many unlived years, and she intended to live them all loving Gerard Way.
"Don't defy your fate," it told her softly."You won't find peace in life."
"I get options, I make choices. Fuck my fate." She slipped off the edge, hurling headfirst into the raging waters and into a world of pain.
@Maila Yasmin
It's been a while, but thank you! :)
10/21/17