Digital
Chapter 1
"But Mariko I want ice cream!" my little brother pulled me toward the ice cream parlor in the food court at the mall.
"I can't get you any ice cream little man, I haven't got any money. I came here to buy some nice clothes to wear for the audition, used all the money I had." I tried to talk him into at least getting a cheap Popsicle from the corner store on the way home.
"Maaarrriikkkoooo pleeaaasssee" Hikaru had already pulled me from the table to the ice cream line, "Hikaru!" one final big tug and his little hands slipped him my grip and he fell at the feet of some guy with black hair making him drop the cone he just got. The guy turned around and saw Hikaru clinging to his feet. "GAH, I'm so sorry!"
"Hey Mr, do you have any money? Can you give some to Mariko so she can get me an Ice cream!?" my brother bravely asked the guy. Embarrassed I went to pull him away but he swatted my hand away so I untangled his arms from the guy's legs and carry Hikaru.
The guy smiles and turns to Hikaru "Sure little guy, since you asked nicely" he pulls out his wallet and pays for another ice cream cone for himself and my brother. He looked at me," Make that three please" he said and handed over the money to the cashier.
"You know you didn't really have to do that, I was going to get him a cheap Popsicle from the corner store...I'll pay you back some how..." I muttered trying not to look into his hazel eyes. Meanwhile I had set Hikaru down and he went back to clinging to the guy's legs. I was about to retrieve him again when he stopped me" Hey, don't worry it's cool. I got this. You brother is adorable anyway. I'm Gerard by the way." He looked down at Hikaru and handed him his cone, them handed me one.
"Oh, ugh nice to meet you Gerard."
"Hey Gee I'm going to called you Gee, I like you! You bought me Ice cream! You should come to my house and play Spies with me!" Hikaru already had chocolate ice cream all over his face. I grabbed a napkin and wiped his face off. "You should go out with my sister! She's pretty isn't she?!"
"Hikaru! That's not how we talk to people we just met!" I scolded him.
Gerard chuckled brushed it off,"I'd love to play Spies with you bud, but you have to check with your sister first. Maybe she'd like to Hang out sometime...?" That last part was directed toward me obviously.
"Oh, um...sure. You'd probably have to make your own Spy Gadgets tough cause Hikaru doesn't like to share" I replied making myself sound completely oblivious that he'd just asked me hang out sometime or on a date or whatever.
"Actually I meant that last part as a serious question, we could meet up sometime; get some coffee or something?"
"Umm..unless you want a hyper 5 year old keep clinging to your legs the whole time then sure...And I actually have to get going... Gotta take this child here home to get him ready for school in the morning" I collected Hikaru and stood up, thanking Gerard for the ice cream.
"Well how can I reach you then?" He pressed
I've never been really one to know how to talk to guys let alone "flirting" or how all that is supposed to work. I wasn't exactly bullied in school, just ignored.
"Mmmmm, I could give you my number?" he handed me his phone and I texted random letters (ledsjsksoeodmdnsk) to my phone so I'd have his number, he also asked if I had a Twitter account so I did that as well.
"Hey wait...can I get a picture with you?"
" I hate talking pictures" I guess I'd better get used to taking pictures if I'm going to get anywhere in this acting job I have.
Gerard didn't care he just pulled out his phone again and stood next to me, there was a noticeable height difference too I probably only stood up to his shoulder. He cheesely said SMILE. I gave the most awkward widest grin/smile I could. He looked at the picture and said 'Perfect' before showing me,"GAH! That's terrible DELETE IT" I tried to snatch the phone away but again with the height difference I failed miserably. Gerard held it over his head as I practically climbed all over him to reach it. "Nope, Nuh uh. I'm keeping this"
"Fine, I guess do what ever you want. Hikaru come on time to go" I grabbed his hand and said goodbye to Gerard who was smiling at his phone, Hikaru was practically begged to hug Gerard goodbye so I let him do it anyway.
"Bye Gee. When are you going to to come play Spies with me?"
Gerard glanced at me before returning to Hikaru, "When Mariko decides to text me" he said and winked at me.
Once in the car I turned on the radio and Hikaru fell asleep so I had peace and quiet. "And now we have in for our afternoon request show, Welcome to the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance"
"When I was a young boy
My father took me into the city
To see a marching band
He said soon when you grow up ,would you be the savior of the broken
The beaten and the damned
He said will you defeat them, you demons and all the nonbelievers; the plans that they have made
Because one day I'll leave you a phantom to lead you in the summer, to join The Black Parade"
That sounded exactly like Gerard for a second there....
My phone rang and it was a notification for twitter, I opened up twitter to see a Gerard had already posted that terrible picture we took:
Gerard @gerardway:
Still waiting for @marikojames to text me. In the meantime here's a picture(SHE DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE WHO I WAS)
I parked the car in my usual spot in the apartment complex and pulled my phone out and typed up a new tweet to Gerard. First I turned around to take a picture of Hikaru;who was still sleeping in his car seat with his head all to the side and with his long eyelashes he looked even more adorable.
Mariko @marikojames:
@gerardway
Well Hikaru is still waiting for you to play spies with him, look he even fell asleep waiting. Such a shame.
Minutes later another tweet from Gerard popped up but I put my phone in my pocket. I got Hikaru out of the car and grabbed the bag of clothes I bought then tried to balance myself to up the stares carrying this child who seemed to always weigh a ton when he sleeps. I one-handedly held my brother while I unlocked the door to my apartment. I walked to Hikaru's room and lay him down in his bed and covered him up. I empty the bag from the mall of it's contents into the laundry basket so I can wash it later. My phone lit up again; another tweet.
Gerard @gerardway:
@marikojames Is that an invitation?
I sat down on the couch with my scripts for tomorrow audition and typed up another tweet.
Mariko @marikojames:
@gerardway Maybe, you were nice enough to buy my brother ice cream. It's funny I thought I heard you on the radio?
I picked up the script and barely looked at the title before I got another tweet. Man, does this boy literally have nothing better to do then broadcast our conversation for all of twitter to see?
Gerard @gerardway:
@marikojames Which one, the one you work for? BBC Radio 1 was it? Or was it the soundtrack from the movie you were in?
Wow,ok he really does his research.... I didn't think anyone would recognize me without any makeup on, messy hair, and not so expensive clothes. The movie I was in called "Chasing Arcane" was a really low budget horror movie about a girl who was mentally unstable who had hallucinations goes haywire and ended up murdering her family, the original actress cancelled the part and I ended up playing the main character. That one movie probably got about 3 stars at the max. Wasn't one of my favorites, also because the fake blood had stained my pale skin, no amount of scrubbing did any justice so when I came to work the next morning at the Radio Station one of the Sound Tech guy's thought I'd caught some kind of skin disease....
Mariko @marikojames:
@gerardway YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU WERE the GERARD WAY OF MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE. So I guess we're even. Have a nice day.
From then on I didn't get any tweet or text from Gerard, he was busy answered tweets for other people. Later he said he had a sound check at the studio in about an hour. It's like midnight, who has a sound check at midnight? Then again in my case, who shoots scenes for a movie at 2 in the morning till about 10 at night.
I focus on the script again, this one is actually for a TV series coming out in about three months. The part is a girl who gets kidnapped at a young age blah blah blah that's not important, all I need is something to do other than working at the Radio station every night.
I rehearsed the lines to my self, to the wall, to my cat Xya ,until I just couldn't keep my eyes open any more. I make sure the laundry was in the dryer before I changed and brushed my teeth then collapsed on my bed. I really need to clean my room too....
I check my phone and there was yet another tweet from Gerard. It's like two I'm the morning now; I checked the clock which said 2:56a.m. IT'S THREE. Three in the morning, what the hell does this guy do?
Gerard @gerardway:
@marikojames What I don't even get a Goodnight? Harsh.
You gunna be on BBC tomorrow?
I typed up another tweet with one eye closed and half an eye open,
Mariko @marikojames
@gerardway Sure whatever, goodnight then. Have an audition to get to in the morning. And no I have the day off.
I closed twitter and put my phone on the night stand. I fell asleep almost instantly.
*********
"Mariko.....MARIKO!" I woke up to Hikaru shaking me awake, he was rubbing the tears from his eyes, "I had another nightmare..."
"Hey there, come're" I lifted the blankets so Hikaru could lay next to me."It's ok, nothing's going to happen to you." I flatten his hair and kissed his forehead before falling asleep again.
"Mariko wake up!" Hikaru was as energetic as ever, he was jumping up and down on my bed like he did every morning."You're late Mariko, you're late! Now you can't go to your audition YAY!!" My eyes shot open and I rolled over look at the clock which read 12:34 p.m. SHIT I MISSED THE ENITRE AUDITION. The thing was at 9 and I over slept. Ugggh. There goes that, I'm not even going to try to call them to reschedule it, it wasn't even worth the trip...
I still had to get the BBC by 1 if I'm going to make it in time for my Radio show with Andrew. I scurry across my apartment, making sure Hikaru and myself get dressed correctly. I was pulling on my left shoe while I had my phone pressed between my should and my ear; trying to get a hold of Andrew to see if he can stall the show for a few minutes till I get there but he didn't even answer his phone.
"Hey, where are we going? Am I going to Ella's house again today? Are you going to go see Gerard? I didn't make you miss your audition just so you can wake up and go to work you know. You're not even supposed to work today. Lets go see Gee! PLEEEAAASSSEE" I stopped dead in my tracks in front of the door and kneeled down to Hikaru's eye level and put my hands on his shoulders, "Wait a minute Bud, what did you just say? You woke me up in the middle of the night so I'd over sleep and miss the audition just so I could go see Gerard" Hikaru nodded mischievously then smiles. For a five year old, he's pretty damn smart. NO WONDER.
"So are you going to call him over, or what?" Hikaru asked eagerly.
Hikaru did all this just to get me to get Gerard over here...
I pulled out my phone and dialed Gerard's number, I put the phone on speaker while it rang, then I put it up to Hikaru; telling him to tell Gerard to come over when he could. Gerard finally picked up the phone "Hello?"
"HI GEE!! It's Hikaru, remember? Can you come to my house and play games with me now? I think Mariko would like that. She even purposely missed her audition to use as an excuse you sooner" I mouthed 'cut it out Hikaru that's enough' then grabbed the phone from his hands," Unless you're busy...please say you're busy. I'm totally fine with that"
Gerard chuckled "I actually have nothing planned today, I'd be glad to come over"
Hikaru screamed in the background "I HAVE BLUE RANCH PATATO CHIPS, AND SWEET CHEDDER!"Gerard chucked on the other end of the phone at Hikaru's outburst. I ran my hand down my face and gave Gerard the address and the code to get into the gate of the apartment complex.
An hour later of sitting next to my window in my room and constantly checking to see if an unfamiliar car pulls up. There was a knock on the front door, Gerard was here. Hikaru beat me to the door but was too short to open it, so I did. I'd barely opened the door and he was already out the door; pouncing onto Gerard.
He wore plain black t-shirt, and fit snugly around his torso. "When did the bleaching happen?" referring to his silvery-blonde hair. I reached up hesitantly to run my fingers throw his hair, it was cut pretty short than his hair I'd seen yesterday. If I hadn't already seem him with shoulder length black hair I wouldn't have recognized him.
"Yesterday. I got bored, I guess?" He winked at me, I notice he still had yesterday's smudged brown eye liner on around his eyes which made him look even more gorgeous.
"Well there's a first, dying and cutting off all your hair when you're bored. Nice one"
I let Hikaru take Gerard by the hand and lead him into the house, then the living room where ever since I called Gerard he'd brought out all his 'Special Spy Gadgets' which consisted of a broken TV remote, a desktop computer mouse, a spoon, my old GameBoy; which doesn't even power on anymore no matter how much you charge it,a mirror, and some crayons.
Gerard and Hikaru immediately started searching for random objects to use as a Gadget. They came up with another spoon, crayon, magnet, laser pointer, shoelace and Gerard's phone.
I sat and watched them play until Hikaru begged me to join them, I declined. So Hikaru stood up and marched over to me, grabbing my hand in attempt to pull me off the couch and onto the floor which failed because I was pulling in the opposite direction and my strength was more than his.
"Gee, help me get Mariko!" Hikaru called Gerard for aid. Gerard grabbed my other hand, effortlessly pulling me and Hikaru off the couch and onto the floor.
I landed on Gerard's chest. I looked up and saw him smirking at me, "EW GEE! Don't kiss her, that's my sister!"
Hikaru came and shoved Gerard's face to the side "Get up Mariko"
Umm.....
"Chill out Hikaru, he wasn't going to do anything" I saw as I roll over off of Gerard and stand up. I fixed my shirt quickly before reaching my hand out to Gerard who was still sprawled out on the floor and staring at me,"Whoa whoa, what was that" He gets up and points to my hip, pulling up my shirt just a bit to reveal a small portion of the cluster of cuts visible over my jeans "That"
I pulled my shirt back down and turn back to Hikaru,"Mariko gets sad a lot." Hikaru said to Gerard,"Ever since Daddy died and Mum left Mariko gets sad"
Hikaru matched my mood as well then came to sit next to me. Gerard came and kneeled in front of me,taking my hands in his much larger ones. "That's not the only reason is it."
I only looked him dead in the eye and shook my head,"Why do you care, you're always Mr.HappyGoLucky for all I know"
Gerard frowned,
"There was a time where I used to do this to myself and stuff, but I’ve gotten over it. I mean people who do that have a problem and it’s not the right way to deal with it. It’s sometimes the easy way out, but it doesn’t mean it’s the right way.
Like, you should never want to hurt yourself. You should love yourself. When the band and I first started out I had a really big issue and a lot of my loved ones had a really big issue with the fact that I was totally in pain up there and there was a time when I tried to hurt myself offstage, but I got over that too."
"Stop."
Gerard shushed me,"I mean, I’m a person that goes through a lot of depression, and stress, and things like that. I’m generally happier these days. But I have, it’s normal, it’s completely normal to be depressed.You're beautiful but nothing is worth hurting yourself over, nothing is worth taking your life over.Do you understand me? Nothing." Gerard looked at me this time and hugged me tightly, though I didn't return the gesture I still accepted what he said. I didn't know what to say. Then again how does one follow up on something like that?
I don't want to rude and just shrug and say Get Over It. But I'm tired of stealing Hikaru's pencil sharpener blades all the time. I don't like when people comment on why I do it or tell me it's wrong to do it. I don't get upset because they see them, but when they speak up its irritating since most of the time people think I do this for attention. People wonder why I do it, to be honest it makes me forget what ever I was upset about, it replaces one form of pain for another;a more real and acceptable one. Anyone can say what ever they want, they can have their own perception on why they think people turn to self harm or why the ones who do have their own reason. I just can't muster up a sure fire detailed explanation. They can think whatever the fuck they want. Correct me, judge me, hate me. Where'd the fucks I give go?
The only Con about it is that the directors for the films I'm in always get irritated because they have to buy more makeup to conceal the scars and fresh ones with expensive makeup that you could barely ever find in my skin color.
"Tell me about what happened before you quit everything....?" I was almost scared to ask him. He nodded and sat down again. I like hearing stories from Gerard, he doesn't get emotional, he doesn't mind even talking about the past because he doesn't regret it. He looks you in the to make sure you're listening. Also when he's explaining something he uses his hand a lo: like a lot of gestures and junk. And the way he move his mouth when he talks is just, ugh. I need to stop thinking.
Gerard sighed dramatically"If it makes you feel better then sure, lets see...where to start.."
"I had a public meltdown. My parents were frequently calling Mikey,but being my younger brother he felt that he was in no place to lecture me about sobriety. We shared a lot of the same troubles" he says."But sometimes he's the older brother and sometimes I have to be." Things got particularly ugly at a gig I'm Kentucky a few summers ago, I was so hammered I'd wandered somewhere under the stage and tried to sabotage the band by refusing to sing or emerge from my hiding spot for the rest of the night."
"I overheard Frank say after the show he just wanted to put down his guitar and leave. He'd never felt that way about playing. A day or two later I celebrated a Killers concert in Kansas City by snorting an eightball of coke and vomiting in the street. My predawn crash left me sobbing in the tour-bus bank, racked with suicidal thoughts. But after a three-hour talk with our manager/ official best friend Brian Schechter, he convinced me that I needed to get clean." He shifted in his spot on the floor "But first there was a tour of Japan: After playing the Summer Sonic Festival in Osaka before a crowd of 10,000 which was My Chem's largest-ever audience I puked sake, beer and only god knows what else into a trash can for 45 minutes. Then,with vomit still on my shirt I told the band I'd swallowed my last drink. That night after we landed in Jersey I was in AA. And from then on with the willpower even Bruce Wayne would admire- I've been clean except for cigarettes and coffee ever since."
"Whoa...you make these sound like a scratch from a declawed cat" I pointed to the marks on my hips and arms.
"That's not the point, it doesn't matter what happened to me. I'm trying to get to you before you lose it and do something stupid. Self harm is just one step of many"
"Mariko I'm hungry! Make me food" ah, always count on Hikaru to ruin a moment or in this case get you out of a depressing awkward one. This is why I love you Hikaru.
"We'll I guess I'd better do fix you something to eat then. What do you want?"
"Ummmmm PIZZA please!" I agree and tell him to pick up his toys and put them in his room so him and Gerard can watch TV whilst I order the pizza.
30 minutes later, the pizza finally came; late. So we ended up getting it for free. Nothing beats free pizza. I tell Hikaru to to wash his hands so he can eat he politely screams 'yes ma'am as he scurries off to the bathroom to do so. "Wow, you have him trained well. He's very polite, in his own way of course but you're doing a good job raising him. He seems like the happiest little five year old in the world."
"He's dying."
"What? But he-"
"He has Mitochondrial Encephalopathy" I replied, I was expecting that reaction anyway.
"But I thought, he's just so...how?" Gerard stuttered and for the first time he seemed nervous to speak.
"It's a condition caused by mutations of the DNA in the mitochondria. Patients with the disease develop fatal symptoms, often causes seizures and headaches and in most cases Brain Disfunction. There aren't any known cures. The type of disease and drugs used for treatment determines how long the patient may live. Nevertheless, all individuals suffering from this condition will have a shortened life span. Nothing has worked for him. Except for this one treatment, but there was a limit on how long a patient can be on it and we used that up in the beginning." I said bluntly and plainly as ever, I'd recited that paragraph countless times.
"Hikaru has already shown signs that he is regressing and hasn't got much time. It's gotten to a point that I'm scared to leave him in the care of someone else while I'm at work.I made an appointment to put him in the hospital full time next month. K. Barely skid by on convincing them to let me keep him here with me until then. Im trying to keep him happy for as long as I can, I don't want him to be scared." I put the pizza box on the table as my eyes started threatening to burst into waterfalls. I still didn't want to accept that I'd be alone, that I won't have something to stay here for. But Hikaru came in singing some song he heard on the radio and hands still covered in soap.I glared at Gerard,silently telling not to speak of it in front of Hikaru.
"Mariko, I can't reach the water" it's funny because Hikaru never likes anything on his hands, he always wants them clean and free of any dirt. If he does get anything on his hands he'll sit there with his hands open and fingers spread widely apart whining for me to clean them off. I pick him up and hold him over the sink in the kitchen while I run the water for him to rinse off his hands.
Once done I set him down in his chair at the table. I offer Gerard some pizza and he takes it then sits down at the table as well. I do the same.
The day went by quicker than I thought. Hikaru had fallen asleep at Gerard's feet on the floor while watching Invader Zim on the TV. I went to lay him down in my bed this time in case something happens during the night, I turned on the closet light so he wouldn't be scared in the dark if he woke up. I slowly and quietly closed the door.
Gerard was on his phone in the living room when I came back"Hey do you want to come with me and the rest of the band tomorrow? You can bring Hikaru,I'm sure Frank cam keep up with him. But I think I should be going now if you're going to go to sleep?" I nodded
and promise to be here tomorrow around 5 p.m. so he can pick us up. Gerard offered to have a cigarette outside. We didn't stray away from the apartment door,in fact we sat on the step to the front door. Gerard lit a cigarette for me before handing it to me and I take a quick drag from it then rub my eyes.
"So what are you going to do? For Hikaru I mean, what have you got planned for him" Gerard blew smoke in the other direction.
"I plan on taking him to Disney World, at least one concert; he's as big of a fan of Bands as I am trust me, and just little things like taking him to midnight premieres of movies he wants to watch. Like I plan on taking him to see the new Superman movie that came out this year ." The coldness of the weather was getting to me given it is November. I started shivering plus I was barefoot. I wasn't about to make this cheesy and ask Gerard for his jacket since I am outside my house.
"Well I should get going now, promise you'll be here tomorrow?" He asked while getting his car keys out and standing up. I stood as well just on the step I was sitting on gave me the extra height to reach almost the same height as him and kissed his cheek. Gerard stood back, a noticeable blush was forming on his cheeks as he smiles. His eyes were as gorgeous as ever when he smiles; with his extra long eyelashes it adds more to it. I love it.
"Yeah,I'll be here.Don't worry. When I tell Hikaru I'm sure that he's going to make sure we stay here all day if we need to."
"Wait one more picture?" This time I didn't question him, again he opened up the camera and I step down off the step so that height difference was there. I liked that, because then he'd have to lean close to my face so he could fit into the frame of the camera.
"Perfect" This time the picture was actually quite cute. Gerard looked like a little Fangirl w
meeting her favorite band member with his grin.
Gerard hugged me goodbye then left. I went back inside to check on Hikaru. He was sleeping soundly just like when I left him. I changed into night clothes then crawled into my bed after shifting Hikaru's body over so I could lay down. I checked my phone again and sure enough Gerard already posted his picture which is a new record of quick for him.
Gerard @gerardway:
@marikojamesThis girl is pretty Rad.
"I can't get you any ice cream little man, I haven't got any money. I came here to buy some nice clothes to wear for the audition, used all the money I had." I tried to talk him into at least getting a cheap Popsicle from the corner store on the way home.
"Maaarrriikkkoooo pleeaaasssee" Hikaru had already pulled me from the table to the ice cream line, "Hikaru!" one final big tug and his little hands slipped him my grip and he fell at the feet of some guy with black hair making him drop the cone he just got. The guy turned around and saw Hikaru clinging to his feet. "GAH, I'm so sorry!"
"Hey Mr, do you have any money? Can you give some to Mariko so she can get me an Ice cream!?" my brother bravely asked the guy. Embarrassed I went to pull him away but he swatted my hand away so I untangled his arms from the guy's legs and carry Hikaru.
The guy smiles and turns to Hikaru "Sure little guy, since you asked nicely" he pulls out his wallet and pays for another ice cream cone for himself and my brother. He looked at me," Make that three please" he said and handed over the money to the cashier.
"You know you didn't really have to do that, I was going to get him a cheap Popsicle from the corner store...I'll pay you back some how..." I muttered trying not to look into his hazel eyes. Meanwhile I had set Hikaru down and he went back to clinging to the guy's legs. I was about to retrieve him again when he stopped me" Hey, don't worry it's cool. I got this. You brother is adorable anyway. I'm Gerard by the way." He looked down at Hikaru and handed him his cone, them handed me one.
"Oh, ugh nice to meet you Gerard."
"Hey Gee I'm going to called you Gee, I like you! You bought me Ice cream! You should come to my house and play Spies with me!" Hikaru already had chocolate ice cream all over his face. I grabbed a napkin and wiped his face off. "You should go out with my sister! She's pretty isn't she?!"
"Hikaru! That's not how we talk to people we just met!" I scolded him.
Gerard chuckled brushed it off,"I'd love to play Spies with you bud, but you have to check with your sister first. Maybe she'd like to Hang out sometime...?" That last part was directed toward me obviously.
"Oh, um...sure. You'd probably have to make your own Spy Gadgets tough cause Hikaru doesn't like to share" I replied making myself sound completely oblivious that he'd just asked me hang out sometime or on a date or whatever.
"Actually I meant that last part as a serious question, we could meet up sometime; get some coffee or something?"
"Umm..unless you want a hyper 5 year old keep clinging to your legs the whole time then sure...And I actually have to get going... Gotta take this child here home to get him ready for school in the morning" I collected Hikaru and stood up, thanking Gerard for the ice cream.
"Well how can I reach you then?" He pressed
I've never been really one to know how to talk to guys let alone "flirting" or how all that is supposed to work. I wasn't exactly bullied in school, just ignored.
"Mmmmm, I could give you my number?" he handed me his phone and I texted random letters (ledsjsksoeodmdnsk) to my phone so I'd have his number, he also asked if I had a Twitter account so I did that as well.
"Hey wait...can I get a picture with you?"
" I hate talking pictures" I guess I'd better get used to taking pictures if I'm going to get anywhere in this acting job I have.
Gerard didn't care he just pulled out his phone again and stood next to me, there was a noticeable height difference too I probably only stood up to his shoulder. He cheesely said SMILE. I gave the most awkward widest grin/smile I could. He looked at the picture and said 'Perfect' before showing me,"GAH! That's terrible DELETE IT" I tried to snatch the phone away but again with the height difference I failed miserably. Gerard held it over his head as I practically climbed all over him to reach it. "Nope, Nuh uh. I'm keeping this"
"Fine, I guess do what ever you want. Hikaru come on time to go" I grabbed his hand and said goodbye to Gerard who was smiling at his phone, Hikaru was practically begged to hug Gerard goodbye so I let him do it anyway.
"Bye Gee. When are you going to to come play Spies with me?"
Gerard glanced at me before returning to Hikaru, "When Mariko decides to text me" he said and winked at me.
Once in the car I turned on the radio and Hikaru fell asleep so I had peace and quiet. "And now we have in for our afternoon request show, Welcome to the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance"
"When I was a young boy
My father took me into the city
To see a marching band
He said soon when you grow up ,would you be the savior of the broken
The beaten and the damned
He said will you defeat them, you demons and all the nonbelievers; the plans that they have made
Because one day I'll leave you a phantom to lead you in the summer, to join The Black Parade"
That sounded exactly like Gerard for a second there....
My phone rang and it was a notification for twitter, I opened up twitter to see a Gerard had already posted that terrible picture we took:
Gerard @gerardway:
Still waiting for @marikojames to text me. In the meantime here's a picture(SHE DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE WHO I WAS)
I parked the car in my usual spot in the apartment complex and pulled my phone out and typed up a new tweet to Gerard. First I turned around to take a picture of Hikaru;who was still sleeping in his car seat with his head all to the side and with his long eyelashes he looked even more adorable.
Mariko @marikojames:
@gerardway
Well Hikaru is still waiting for you to play spies with him, look he even fell asleep waiting. Such a shame.
Minutes later another tweet from Gerard popped up but I put my phone in my pocket. I got Hikaru out of the car and grabbed the bag of clothes I bought then tried to balance myself to up the stares carrying this child who seemed to always weigh a ton when he sleeps. I one-handedly held my brother while I unlocked the door to my apartment. I walked to Hikaru's room and lay him down in his bed and covered him up. I empty the bag from the mall of it's contents into the laundry basket so I can wash it later. My phone lit up again; another tweet.
Gerard @gerardway:
@marikojames Is that an invitation?
I sat down on the couch with my scripts for tomorrow audition and typed up another tweet.
Mariko @marikojames:
@gerardway Maybe, you were nice enough to buy my brother ice cream. It's funny I thought I heard you on the radio?
I picked up the script and barely looked at the title before I got another tweet. Man, does this boy literally have nothing better to do then broadcast our conversation for all of twitter to see?
Gerard @gerardway:
@marikojames Which one, the one you work for? BBC Radio 1 was it? Or was it the soundtrack from the movie you were in?
Wow,ok he really does his research.... I didn't think anyone would recognize me without any makeup on, messy hair, and not so expensive clothes. The movie I was in called "Chasing Arcane" was a really low budget horror movie about a girl who was mentally unstable who had hallucinations goes haywire and ended up murdering her family, the original actress cancelled the part and I ended up playing the main character. That one movie probably got about 3 stars at the max. Wasn't one of my favorites, also because the fake blood had stained my pale skin, no amount of scrubbing did any justice so when I came to work the next morning at the Radio Station one of the Sound Tech guy's thought I'd caught some kind of skin disease....
Mariko @marikojames:
@gerardway YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU WERE the GERARD WAY OF MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE. So I guess we're even. Have a nice day.
From then on I didn't get any tweet or text from Gerard, he was busy answered tweets for other people. Later he said he had a sound check at the studio in about an hour. It's like midnight, who has a sound check at midnight? Then again in my case, who shoots scenes for a movie at 2 in the morning till about 10 at night.
I focus on the script again, this one is actually for a TV series coming out in about three months. The part is a girl who gets kidnapped at a young age blah blah blah that's not important, all I need is something to do other than working at the Radio station every night.
I rehearsed the lines to my self, to the wall, to my cat Xya ,until I just couldn't keep my eyes open any more. I make sure the laundry was in the dryer before I changed and brushed my teeth then collapsed on my bed. I really need to clean my room too....
I check my phone and there was yet another tweet from Gerard. It's like two I'm the morning now; I checked the clock which said 2:56a.m. IT'S THREE. Three in the morning, what the hell does this guy do?
Gerard @gerardway:
@marikojames What I don't even get a Goodnight? Harsh.
You gunna be on BBC tomorrow?
I typed up another tweet with one eye closed and half an eye open,
Mariko @marikojames
@gerardway Sure whatever, goodnight then. Have an audition to get to in the morning. And no I have the day off.
I closed twitter and put my phone on the night stand. I fell asleep almost instantly.
*********
"Mariko.....MARIKO!" I woke up to Hikaru shaking me awake, he was rubbing the tears from his eyes, "I had another nightmare..."
"Hey there, come're" I lifted the blankets so Hikaru could lay next to me."It's ok, nothing's going to happen to you." I flatten his hair and kissed his forehead before falling asleep again.
"Mariko wake up!" Hikaru was as energetic as ever, he was jumping up and down on my bed like he did every morning."You're late Mariko, you're late! Now you can't go to your audition YAY!!" My eyes shot open and I rolled over look at the clock which read 12:34 p.m. SHIT I MISSED THE ENITRE AUDITION. The thing was at 9 and I over slept. Ugggh. There goes that, I'm not even going to try to call them to reschedule it, it wasn't even worth the trip...
I still had to get the BBC by 1 if I'm going to make it in time for my Radio show with Andrew. I scurry across my apartment, making sure Hikaru and myself get dressed correctly. I was pulling on my left shoe while I had my phone pressed between my should and my ear; trying to get a hold of Andrew to see if he can stall the show for a few minutes till I get there but he didn't even answer his phone.
"Hey, where are we going? Am I going to Ella's house again today? Are you going to go see Gerard? I didn't make you miss your audition just so you can wake up and go to work you know. You're not even supposed to work today. Lets go see Gee! PLEEEAAASSSEE" I stopped dead in my tracks in front of the door and kneeled down to Hikaru's eye level and put my hands on his shoulders, "Wait a minute Bud, what did you just say? You woke me up in the middle of the night so I'd over sleep and miss the audition just so I could go see Gerard" Hikaru nodded mischievously then smiles. For a five year old, he's pretty damn smart. NO WONDER.
"So are you going to call him over, or what?" Hikaru asked eagerly.
Hikaru did all this just to get me to get Gerard over here...
I pulled out my phone and dialed Gerard's number, I put the phone on speaker while it rang, then I put it up to Hikaru; telling him to tell Gerard to come over when he could. Gerard finally picked up the phone "Hello?"
"HI GEE!! It's Hikaru, remember? Can you come to my house and play games with me now? I think Mariko would like that. She even purposely missed her audition to use as an excuse you sooner" I mouthed 'cut it out Hikaru that's enough' then grabbed the phone from his hands," Unless you're busy...please say you're busy. I'm totally fine with that"
Gerard chuckled "I actually have nothing planned today, I'd be glad to come over"
Hikaru screamed in the background "I HAVE BLUE RANCH PATATO CHIPS, AND SWEET CHEDDER!"Gerard chucked on the other end of the phone at Hikaru's outburst. I ran my hand down my face and gave Gerard the address and the code to get into the gate of the apartment complex.
An hour later of sitting next to my window in my room and constantly checking to see if an unfamiliar car pulls up. There was a knock on the front door, Gerard was here. Hikaru beat me to the door but was too short to open it, so I did. I'd barely opened the door and he was already out the door; pouncing onto Gerard.
He wore plain black t-shirt, and fit snugly around his torso. "When did the bleaching happen?" referring to his silvery-blonde hair. I reached up hesitantly to run my fingers throw his hair, it was cut pretty short than his hair I'd seen yesterday. If I hadn't already seem him with shoulder length black hair I wouldn't have recognized him.
"Yesterday. I got bored, I guess?" He winked at me, I notice he still had yesterday's smudged brown eye liner on around his eyes which made him look even more gorgeous.
"Well there's a first, dying and cutting off all your hair when you're bored. Nice one"
I let Hikaru take Gerard by the hand and lead him into the house, then the living room where ever since I called Gerard he'd brought out all his 'Special Spy Gadgets' which consisted of a broken TV remote, a desktop computer mouse, a spoon, my old GameBoy; which doesn't even power on anymore no matter how much you charge it,a mirror, and some crayons.
Gerard and Hikaru immediately started searching for random objects to use as a Gadget. They came up with another spoon, crayon, magnet, laser pointer, shoelace and Gerard's phone.
I sat and watched them play until Hikaru begged me to join them, I declined. So Hikaru stood up and marched over to me, grabbing my hand in attempt to pull me off the couch and onto the floor which failed because I was pulling in the opposite direction and my strength was more than his.
"Gee, help me get Mariko!" Hikaru called Gerard for aid. Gerard grabbed my other hand, effortlessly pulling me and Hikaru off the couch and onto the floor.
I landed on Gerard's chest. I looked up and saw him smirking at me, "EW GEE! Don't kiss her, that's my sister!"
Hikaru came and shoved Gerard's face to the side "Get up Mariko"
Umm.....
"Chill out Hikaru, he wasn't going to do anything" I saw as I roll over off of Gerard and stand up. I fixed my shirt quickly before reaching my hand out to Gerard who was still sprawled out on the floor and staring at me,"Whoa whoa, what was that" He gets up and points to my hip, pulling up my shirt just a bit to reveal a small portion of the cluster of cuts visible over my jeans "That"
I pulled my shirt back down and turn back to Hikaru,"Mariko gets sad a lot." Hikaru said to Gerard,"Ever since Daddy died and Mum left Mariko gets sad"
Hikaru matched my mood as well then came to sit next to me. Gerard came and kneeled in front of me,taking my hands in his much larger ones. "That's not the only reason is it."
I only looked him dead in the eye and shook my head,"Why do you care, you're always Mr.HappyGoLucky for all I know"
Gerard frowned,
"There was a time where I used to do this to myself and stuff, but I’ve gotten over it. I mean people who do that have a problem and it’s not the right way to deal with it. It’s sometimes the easy way out, but it doesn’t mean it’s the right way.
Like, you should never want to hurt yourself. You should love yourself. When the band and I first started out I had a really big issue and a lot of my loved ones had a really big issue with the fact that I was totally in pain up there and there was a time when I tried to hurt myself offstage, but I got over that too."
"Stop."
Gerard shushed me,"I mean, I’m a person that goes through a lot of depression, and stress, and things like that. I’m generally happier these days. But I have, it’s normal, it’s completely normal to be depressed.You're beautiful but nothing is worth hurting yourself over, nothing is worth taking your life over.Do you understand me? Nothing." Gerard looked at me this time and hugged me tightly, though I didn't return the gesture I still accepted what he said. I didn't know what to say. Then again how does one follow up on something like that?
I don't want to rude and just shrug and say Get Over It. But I'm tired of stealing Hikaru's pencil sharpener blades all the time. I don't like when people comment on why I do it or tell me it's wrong to do it. I don't get upset because they see them, but when they speak up its irritating since most of the time people think I do this for attention. People wonder why I do it, to be honest it makes me forget what ever I was upset about, it replaces one form of pain for another;a more real and acceptable one. Anyone can say what ever they want, they can have their own perception on why they think people turn to self harm or why the ones who do have their own reason. I just can't muster up a sure fire detailed explanation. They can think whatever the fuck they want. Correct me, judge me, hate me. Where'd the fucks I give go?
The only Con about it is that the directors for the films I'm in always get irritated because they have to buy more makeup to conceal the scars and fresh ones with expensive makeup that you could barely ever find in my skin color.
"Tell me about what happened before you quit everything....?" I was almost scared to ask him. He nodded and sat down again. I like hearing stories from Gerard, he doesn't get emotional, he doesn't mind even talking about the past because he doesn't regret it. He looks you in the to make sure you're listening. Also when he's explaining something he uses his hand a lo: like a lot of gestures and junk. And the way he move his mouth when he talks is just, ugh. I need to stop thinking.
Gerard sighed dramatically"If it makes you feel better then sure, lets see...where to start.."
"I had a public meltdown. My parents were frequently calling Mikey,but being my younger brother he felt that he was in no place to lecture me about sobriety. We shared a lot of the same troubles" he says."But sometimes he's the older brother and sometimes I have to be." Things got particularly ugly at a gig I'm Kentucky a few summers ago, I was so hammered I'd wandered somewhere under the stage and tried to sabotage the band by refusing to sing or emerge from my hiding spot for the rest of the night."
"I overheard Frank say after the show he just wanted to put down his guitar and leave. He'd never felt that way about playing. A day or two later I celebrated a Killers concert in Kansas City by snorting an eightball of coke and vomiting in the street. My predawn crash left me sobbing in the tour-bus bank, racked with suicidal thoughts. But after a three-hour talk with our manager/ official best friend Brian Schechter, he convinced me that I needed to get clean." He shifted in his spot on the floor "But first there was a tour of Japan: After playing the Summer Sonic Festival in Osaka before a crowd of 10,000 which was My Chem's largest-ever audience I puked sake, beer and only god knows what else into a trash can for 45 minutes. Then,with vomit still on my shirt I told the band I'd swallowed my last drink. That night after we landed in Jersey I was in AA. And from then on with the willpower even Bruce Wayne would admire- I've been clean except for cigarettes and coffee ever since."
"Whoa...you make these sound like a scratch from a declawed cat" I pointed to the marks on my hips and arms.
"That's not the point, it doesn't matter what happened to me. I'm trying to get to you before you lose it and do something stupid. Self harm is just one step of many"
"Mariko I'm hungry! Make me food" ah, always count on Hikaru to ruin a moment or in this case get you out of a depressing awkward one. This is why I love you Hikaru.
"We'll I guess I'd better do fix you something to eat then. What do you want?"
"Ummmmm PIZZA please!" I agree and tell him to pick up his toys and put them in his room so him and Gerard can watch TV whilst I order the pizza.
30 minutes later, the pizza finally came; late. So we ended up getting it for free. Nothing beats free pizza. I tell Hikaru to to wash his hands so he can eat he politely screams 'yes ma'am as he scurries off to the bathroom to do so. "Wow, you have him trained well. He's very polite, in his own way of course but you're doing a good job raising him. He seems like the happiest little five year old in the world."
"He's dying."
"What? But he-"
"He has Mitochondrial Encephalopathy" I replied, I was expecting that reaction anyway.
"But I thought, he's just so...how?" Gerard stuttered and for the first time he seemed nervous to speak.
"It's a condition caused by mutations of the DNA in the mitochondria. Patients with the disease develop fatal symptoms, often causes seizures and headaches and in most cases Brain Disfunction. There aren't any known cures. The type of disease and drugs used for treatment determines how long the patient may live. Nevertheless, all individuals suffering from this condition will have a shortened life span. Nothing has worked for him. Except for this one treatment, but there was a limit on how long a patient can be on it and we used that up in the beginning." I said bluntly and plainly as ever, I'd recited that paragraph countless times.
"Hikaru has already shown signs that he is regressing and hasn't got much time. It's gotten to a point that I'm scared to leave him in the care of someone else while I'm at work.I made an appointment to put him in the hospital full time next month. K. Barely skid by on convincing them to let me keep him here with me until then. Im trying to keep him happy for as long as I can, I don't want him to be scared." I put the pizza box on the table as my eyes started threatening to burst into waterfalls. I still didn't want to accept that I'd be alone, that I won't have something to stay here for. But Hikaru came in singing some song he heard on the radio and hands still covered in soap.I glared at Gerard,silently telling not to speak of it in front of Hikaru.
"Mariko, I can't reach the water" it's funny because Hikaru never likes anything on his hands, he always wants them clean and free of any dirt. If he does get anything on his hands he'll sit there with his hands open and fingers spread widely apart whining for me to clean them off. I pick him up and hold him over the sink in the kitchen while I run the water for him to rinse off his hands.
Once done I set him down in his chair at the table. I offer Gerard some pizza and he takes it then sits down at the table as well. I do the same.
The day went by quicker than I thought. Hikaru had fallen asleep at Gerard's feet on the floor while watching Invader Zim on the TV. I went to lay him down in my bed this time in case something happens during the night, I turned on the closet light so he wouldn't be scared in the dark if he woke up. I slowly and quietly closed the door.
Gerard was on his phone in the living room when I came back"Hey do you want to come with me and the rest of the band tomorrow? You can bring Hikaru,I'm sure Frank cam keep up with him. But I think I should be going now if you're going to go to sleep?" I nodded
and promise to be here tomorrow around 5 p.m. so he can pick us up. Gerard offered to have a cigarette outside. We didn't stray away from the apartment door,in fact we sat on the step to the front door. Gerard lit a cigarette for me before handing it to me and I take a quick drag from it then rub my eyes.
"So what are you going to do? For Hikaru I mean, what have you got planned for him" Gerard blew smoke in the other direction.
"I plan on taking him to Disney World, at least one concert; he's as big of a fan of Bands as I am trust me, and just little things like taking him to midnight premieres of movies he wants to watch. Like I plan on taking him to see the new Superman movie that came out this year ." The coldness of the weather was getting to me given it is November. I started shivering plus I was barefoot. I wasn't about to make this cheesy and ask Gerard for his jacket since I am outside my house.
"Well I should get going now, promise you'll be here tomorrow?" He asked while getting his car keys out and standing up. I stood as well just on the step I was sitting on gave me the extra height to reach almost the same height as him and kissed his cheek. Gerard stood back, a noticeable blush was forming on his cheeks as he smiles. His eyes were as gorgeous as ever when he smiles; with his extra long eyelashes it adds more to it. I love it.
"Yeah,I'll be here.Don't worry. When I tell Hikaru I'm sure that he's going to make sure we stay here all day if we need to."
"Wait one more picture?" This time I didn't question him, again he opened up the camera and I step down off the step so that height difference was there. I liked that, because then he'd have to lean close to my face so he could fit into the frame of the camera.
"Perfect" This time the picture was actually quite cute. Gerard looked like a little Fangirl w
meeting her favorite band member with his grin.
Gerard hugged me goodbye then left. I went back inside to check on Hikaru. He was sleeping soundly just like when I left him. I changed into night clothes then crawled into my bed after shifting Hikaru's body over so I could lay down. I checked my phone again and sure enough Gerard already posted his picture which is a new record of quick for him.
Gerard @gerardway:
@marikojamesThis girl is pretty Rad.
Notes
Oh, hey guys.This is just a little side project I had when I'm not writing stuff for #19 of Project Diclonius
-Pierre
Oh shit Gee isn't gonna be happy awwww noooo
8/15/14