Unspeakably Unique
Chapter Ten
F
I kissed him as the door swung shut behind us and he giggled, gently taking my hand. He led me upstairs, smiling to himself as he pushed a door open and tugged me inside. My chest tightened when I saw the bed, and Gerard stopped, glancing back at me.
“Frank? You okay?”
I took a step back, my fingers slipping from his.
“Frankie, we’re not gonna do anything,” Gerard said quickly, smiling at me comfortingly. “I just wanted somewhere a little more private to talk. We can sit on the floor if you like.”
I nodded shakily, swallowing hard. Gerard took my hand again, rubbing his thumb over my knuckles soothingly as he led me into the bedroom. He sat down on the carpet by the wall, pulling me down next to him. I shivered as I curled up with my back against the wall. Gerard smiled at me, stroking my cheek slowly. “Shh..you’ve been in here before, Frankie, why are you scared now?”
I shrugged and he sighed, fixing my hair gently. “Okay. Well, I promise there’s nothing to be worried about.”
I looked at him and took a deep breath, folding my hands in my lap in an attempt to stop them shaking. “What was it that you wanted to tell me?”
Gerard frowned, suddenly looking nervous. “Um. Well...it’s hard for me to talk about, Frankie, I-”
“You’ve never told anyone before,” I finished quietly. “Like I never told anyone half of the things I talk to you about.”
He gulped, looking guilty and anxious. “Y-yeah, but this is...d-different.”
I stared at him and he took a deep breath, rubbing his eyes. He looked down at the floor, avoiding my gaze. “Have you ever heard the term ‘intersex’ before, Frankie?”
I relaxed slightly, shaking my head. This was just going to be about his gender. I could handle this. But why was he so nervous?
“Sorry, Gerard, I haven’t.”
“Well..it’s used to talk about someone whose biological sex doesn’t fit into male or female. Medically speaking.”
I frowned, running a hand through my hair. “I don’t understand, Gerard. I’m not..I’m not good at this stuff..”
He looked at me and my eyes widened as a tear spilled down his cheek. I quickly dug in my pocket, tugging out a tissue and handing it to him. He smiled slightly and sniffed, wiping the tear away. “I’m okay. I’m just...this is hard.”
I nodded and kissed his forehead. “I know how that feels, Gerard. Take your time.”
“Thanks.”
Gerard stared at the floor for a while, gathering his thoughts. I waited patiently, holding his hand loosely.
“Okay. So you know about X and Y chromosomes from biology, right?”
I nodded slightly, smiling at him. “It’s a miracle that I remember, but I know what you’re talking about.”
He smiled nervously. “Well, for some people, that gets messed up. And they turn out...different.”
Light was beginning to dawn at this point and I squeezed his hand gently. “Okay.”
“I’m one of those people,” Gerard murmured, watching my face worriedly. “I have this thing they call ovotesticular disorder of sex development...and yeah. It’s a ridiculously long name.”
He laughed shakily, sniffing.
I smiled uncertainly and kissed his forehead. “I have no idea what that means.”
Gerard giggled, relaxing slightly as he leaned into me.
“But I won’t judge you for being different, Gerard. It won’t make you any less of a person to me, or any less attractive and kind and interesting. I’m...I just..can you explain a little more?”
He nodded, resting his head against my shoulder. “Yeah...I um. Well. I have male and female reproductive tissue, so...this is really weird to talk about.”
I chuckled and brushed my knuckles over his cheek. “Yep. I feel you. You can tell me it in more general terms if you like.”
Gerard shifted. “Okay. It’s different for pretty much everyone, I think...but my body can produce both types of sex cells, if that makes sense..”
“Like a hermaphrodite? Isn’t that something that only happens in plants?”
He giggled and shook his head slightly. “No, slugs are I think.”
We both laughed and I wrapped an arm around him tightly. “Okay, so maybe that was a stupid thing to say, but I’m trying really hard to understand..”
Gerard smiled and squeezed my hand gently. “I know, Frankie. But um. My genitals are uh...different. I don’t really have...the usual stuff.”
I nodded slightly, feeling very very much out of my depth. “Okay.”
“So I um...my doctor isn’t entirely sure, but he thinks I could carry a baby. And if they managed to extract some of my sperm, I could probably father a baby too. But uh..not easily.”
I ran my fingers through his hair slowly, humming softly. “That’s kinda cool.”
Gerard rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I guess. I just...I wish I was normal. I just...sometimes I really hate-”
“Don’t say that,” I interrupted gently. “You’re amazing, Gerard.” I nuzzled the side of his head, pressing a soft kiss to his temple. “To be quite honest, after the life I’ve had so far, I’m not really one to care much about genitals, or whatever else. If we can’t have sex in the way that I’m used to, that would probably suit me perfectly. If we ever get to that stage, anyway. And there are a lot of people like me, I’ll bet. That aren’t too worried about what’s in your jeans or those cat tights you like.”
“But-”
“Shh. I know it’s hard to feel good about yourself sometimes, I understand. But I want you to know that I think you’re flawless, Gerard. You’re unspeakably unique and I absolutely love that about you. I wish you'd told me sooner, but I know you were scared. I really care about you, Gerard.”
When Gerard had finished crying, I walked him downstairs and we served ourselves up bowls of ice cream, Gerard insisting on adding gummy bears to his. I rolled his eyes and helped him anyway, kissing his cheek. No one else was home yet, so we curled up on the couch together to eat.
“Gerard?”
He looked at me, giggling softly. “You have ice cream on your nose, Frank.”
I stuck my tongue out at him and wiped it off, then sighed. “Um. Can you tell me more about this intersex thing? I want to understand properly.”
Gerard smiled at me and shuffled closer. “What do you wanna know?”
I tilted my head slightly. “Well, I mean...you have both sets of hormones, right? How does that work?”
He sighed and bit his lip, thinking for a second. “Well. Um, how about I start from the beginning a little? Would that help?”
I nodded, stealing one of the gummy bears from his bowl. He slapped my hand gently.
“Okay. You know my birth mother left me at the hospital, right? Well, she left me because the doctors told her I was intersex. They said she’d have to raise me carefully or pay for an expensive surgery to ‘fix’ me.”
I pulled a face, shaking my head slightly. “You don’t need fixing.”
Gerard smiled at me, nodding. “Yeah, exactly. So my parents adopted me and decided to raise me super carefully. They didn’t think they were able to have children, so they looked after me really well..”
“Hold on. So where does Mikey fit in?”
He shrugged. “A couple months after they adopted me, Mum found out she was pregnant. She likes to say it was karma for adopting me, but my dad just rolls his eyes.”
I smiled, setting my empty bowl aside and rubbing Gerard’s knee lightly.
“Anyway. They raised me to make my own choices and they raised me as neither a boy or a girl. So I had dresses when I was little and I had jeans, I played with Barbies and action figures. Like every kid should, but that’s a whole other thing. When I hit puberty, I started to get periods and I started to develop breast tissue. I absolutely hated it. I was completely miserable, so my parents took me to a therapist.”
I watched him as he paused, poking at the gummy bears now swimming in melted vanilla ice cream. “Um. Yeah. So I went on testosterone. But I really liked feminine things and I liked my face the way it was and I didn’t really want a deeper voice, so I’m on a low dose. I have to keep taking it probably for the rest of my life, unless I get...other surgery. And I had surgery to remove my breast tissue. So..yeah. I like my body a little more masculine, but I also like to present more feminine, I don’t know. I guess I’m just-”
“Unique,” I said firmly, smiling at him. “Not weird or strange. Unique. I can’t imagine having to make those choices. Was it hard?”
Gerard nodded slightly. “Yeah, I was really scared and depressed for a while, but my family supported me really well and I got through it. I still have issues sometimes, but they’re mostly about other things..”
He said it dismissively, but I frowned. “What do you mean?”
He sighed and poked at his gummy bear soup. “I um. Can get really...controlling about my weight sometimes. I don’t really like the way I gain weight, because it distributes kind of strangely. Like I gain it in my thighs and belly a lot, but not really anywhere else? I don’t know. I’m doing okay now, but sometimes I just go through phases.”
I nodded and brushed his hair behind his ears slowly. “Okay. We can keep an eye on it together.”
Gerard looked at me and smiled, just staring at me.
“What?”
“I love how you said that so casually. That we’ll do it together. It was really sweet, like you didn’t even have to think about it.”
I frowned. “I didn’t. You’re my friend, and maybe something else to me as well, and I care about you. I’ll help you with anything.”
He set his bowl down on the coffee table and smiled at me. “Kiss me?”
I grinned and shrugged, looking away. “Maybe I don’t wanna.”
Gerard whined and shoved my chest. “Don’t tease me, Frankie! I was worried you wouldn’t want to be my friend after I told you..”
I turned my head to look at him, frowning. “Really? Is that why you were so nervous?”
Gerard sighed, nodding slightly. “Yeah. It’s kind of why I haven’t really dated anyone before, too. I usually push people away before it gets romantic because I’m scared of telling them.”
I cupped his jaw in my hands, smiling at him. “I’m not going anywhere, Gerard.”
I kissed him softly, tilting my head slightly as he deepened the kiss tentatively, his fingers tangling in my hair. He swung himself into my lap agilely, stroking my cheeks as I started to move my lips slowly, my hands running down his sides.
The front door slammed and Gerard jumped off me, giggling as he curled up on the couch next to me. I went bright red, looking up as Mikey walked into the living room, his backpack over one shoulder. He glared at me and opened his mouth to say something, but Gerard cut in first.
“I told him, Mikey,” Gerard said quietly, but the excitement in his voice was obvious.
“And?” Mikey was still glaring at me, but with slightly less aggression.
“And he thinks I’m flawless.” Gerard grinned, tilting his chin up almost smugly.
I felt like my face was about to melt off, but I smiled, gently taking Gerard’s hand. Mikey relaxed, but pointed a finger at his brother.
“Mum and Dad are gonna be pissed. Maybe refrain from making out with him seconds before they walk in the door.”
Gerard just laughed and Mikey rolled his eyes, winking at me as he walked upstairs. I bit my lip, taking a deep breath.
Gerard kissed my cheek. “He’s being silly, Frank, it’s alright. I’ll say I told you at school and they won’t be angry.”
I looked at him, chewing on my lip. “Um. Gerard, I don’t want to be your boyfriend.”
He blinked, then gritted his teeth and went to get up. I grabbed his arm quickly.
“No! Shit, I didn’t...that didn’t come out right...please sit down, Gerard…”
He sighed and shook me off, turning to face me but not sitting down.
“I don’t want to yet, Gee. I really really care about you and I need time to adjust to kissing you and liking you and spending time with you in a different way without...labeling it. I was sick of pretending to myself that I didn’t like you, but that doesn’t mean I’m ditching the idea of going slow with this. I need it to be slow, Gee.”
Gerard stared at me, then shook his head slightly, looking away. “I hate you.”
My breath caught in my throat.
“I hate you cause you want me to go slow and I just wanna spend all my nights with you. And I hate you cause you just came up with a really cute nickname and it makes me wanna cry..”
I relaxed immediately, smiling up at him. “Cuddle?”
Gerard grinned and nodded, curling up next to me and hugging me tightly. I wrapped an arm around him, holding him close to me.
Gerard was asleep, his head on my shoulder and his body curled up against mine. The tv was playing quietly. It was Saturday and Chris was out with Ricky, so I’d invited Gerard over to watch movies for most of the day, as he was sick and didn’t feel like doing much else. I heard the key in the door and covered Gerard’s ears as the front door swung open.
“Frank?”
“Shh!”
Chris walked into the living room and grinned at me. “Cute. I thought Ricky could come in and stay for dinner, is that okay?” he asked, keeping his voice down. I nodded.
“As long as Gerard can stay over.”
“Yes, but not in your room. You can sleep down here.”
I smiled, running my fingers through Gerard’s hair. “Okay. He’s not feeling well.”
Chris sighed. “Poor thing. I can go fetch some cold medicine if you like?”
I shook my head slightly. “I think it’s more of a tummy bug, he’s got stomachache and he’s super tired.”
“Okay. I’m gonna go start making dinner with Ricky, I’ll shut the kitchen door.”
I gave him a thumbs up and watched him walk out of the room. Gerard stirred slightly and I kissed the top of his head, stroking his cheek. His eyes opened slowly and he groaned softly.
“Are you feeling any better, Gee?”
He nodded, snuggling closer to me. “Mhm.”
“Does it not hurt so much?”
Gerard shook his head, closing his eyes again.
“I reckon you must’ve eaten something weird, then,” I hummed, stroking his cheek slowly. “At least you feel better now. Ricky’s staying for dinner, and Chris said you can stay overnight if you like.”
Gerard smiled sleepily and I kissed his temple. “I’m worried about you. Are you sure you feel okay?”
He nodded again, opening his eyes and lifting his head as he yawned. “I didn’t really sleep last night. I just need to catch up on a few hours.”
I tucked his hair behind his ears. “Why didn’t you sleep?”
Gerard gently pulled away from me to stretch, yawning again. “I dunno. Just couldn’t seem to drift off. I’ll be okay, seriously.”
“Okay,” I murmured, kissing him softly. He grinned and pulled me closer, letting me deepen the kiss slightly.
“Oops.”
I broke away from Gerard quickly, feeling my cheeks go red as I looked up at Ricky. He smiled.
“I came in at the wrong time, sorry guys. Dinner’s ready..”
Gerard looked at me as he left the room, his cheeks pale. “Does Chris know about this?”
I nodded quickly, pecking his lips again. “Yes, there’s nothing to worry about.”
I started to get up, but Gerard gently grabbed my leg. “Frankie?”
I frowned, stroking his hair. “What?”
“Did you tell Chris about me?”
I blinked and shook my head, stroking Gerard’s cheek. “No, Gee. You told me in confidence and I didn’t know if it was something it was ok to share or not.”
Gerard bit his lip softly. “I don’t mind him knowing as long as he doesn’t tell anyone else.”
“Okay, Gee. I’ll remember that, but we gotta go sit down at the table.”
I pushed my empty plate away and smiled at Chris. “Thanks, that was nice.”
Gerard looked up next to me, smiling sheepishly. “It was, I just..”
Chris shrugged. “It’s fine if you’re not feeling well, Gerard, I understand.”
Ricky smiled at me and I gritted my teeth. “Did you have a good day, Frank?”
I shrugged. “I guess. Most of my morning was dealing with Gerard throwing up.”
Gerard sighed, looking down at his lap. I rubbed the outside of his thigh lightly and he closed his eyes for a few seconds.
Ricky seemed at a loss of what to say and Chris was watching me. I stood up suddenly, making Gerard jump. “I'm gonna clear the plates.”
I started stacking plates, hurrying into the kitchen with them. I heard light footsteps behind me and Gerard rubbed my back slowly. “Are you okay, Frankie?”
“I'm not sure,” I answered honestly, starting to load the dishwasher. I glanced at him and found myself feeling glad that he was wearing a t shirt and jeans, then immediately feeling guilty.
“Frankie, calm down a second and take a few breaths. It's alright..”
He tried to touch my shoulder and I slapped him away, my breathing getting shorter. Gerard blinked and turned, walking out of the kitchen. I nearly dropped the plate I was holding. You fucking ruined it. He's walking away because you slapped him.
I almost started to cry when Gerard walked back in less than a minute later, followed by Chris, who walked up to me and put his hand on my shoulder. I jumped and tried to shake it off, but his grip was much firmer than Gerard's as he leaned down.
“Frank. You're having a panic attack, hon. Can you take some deep breaths for me?”
I shook my head, scratching at his wrist as I tried to pull his hand off my shoulder.
“Frank, calm down,” he said slowly, stroking my hair with his other hand. I dodged away, my breath hitching.
“Frankie,” Gerard spoke softly, gently pushing Chris away from me and taking his place. He cupped my jaw in his hands and kissed me, just briefly, then wrapped his arms around me tightly, cradling my head against his shoulder. “Shh, Frankie. Your Gee won't let anything hurt you. It's alright..”
He started to sway slightly, rocking me back and forth as I buried my face in his chest, trembling. “Come on, Frankie. Calm down, calm down. You're okay, you are. You wanna go upstairs to your room and sit in the quiet for a while?”
I nodded quickly, clinging to his arm as he broke away carefully, leading me upstairs. “Come on, Frankie..”
I stumbled in the hall and Gerard hummed softly, gently pulling me into my room and over to the bed. I crawled under the covers, hiding in the middle of the bed. I felt Gerard sit down on the edge and just laid there for a while, waiting for my breathing to get back to normal.
When I stuck my head out, my eyes widened. Gerard had his back to me, his shirt off. As I watched, he turned around, slipping one of my shirts on over his head. He spotted me and smiled. “Hey. I hope you don't mind if I borrow some pajamas.”
I shook my head slightly, sitting up. Gerard grinned. “Your hair is sticking up. It's cute.”
I flipped him off and slipped out of bed, tugging my shirt off. I walked past Gerard, grabbing a clean shirt from the drawer.
“Jesus.”
I blinked at him and he blushed. “Sorry, Frank. I didn't know you were that toned.”
I chuckled and shrugged, putting the shirt on before kissing his cheek. “Well. I am.”
“Good.”
Gerard turned away as I changed my trousers, then smiled at me as I shifted closer to him, wrapping an arm around his waist.
“Let's go downstairs.”
Chris had gone to bed, and it was just Gerard and I, curled up together in the sofa bed, watching tv practically on mute. Gerard shifted and snuggled up to my chest, throwing an arm around me. “Mmph.”
I smiled down at him sleepily, running my fingers through his hair. “Cutie. Are you tired?”
Gerard nodded slightly, yawning and trying to press even more of his body up against mine. I let my eyes slip closed, Gerard's quiet, rhythmic breathing slowly lulling me to sleep.
I kissed him as the door swung shut behind us and he giggled, gently taking my hand. He led me upstairs, smiling to himself as he pushed a door open and tugged me inside. My chest tightened when I saw the bed, and Gerard stopped, glancing back at me.
“Frank? You okay?”
I took a step back, my fingers slipping from his.
“Frankie, we’re not gonna do anything,” Gerard said quickly, smiling at me comfortingly. “I just wanted somewhere a little more private to talk. We can sit on the floor if you like.”
I nodded shakily, swallowing hard. Gerard took my hand again, rubbing his thumb over my knuckles soothingly as he led me into the bedroom. He sat down on the carpet by the wall, pulling me down next to him. I shivered as I curled up with my back against the wall. Gerard smiled at me, stroking my cheek slowly. “Shh..you’ve been in here before, Frankie, why are you scared now?”
I shrugged and he sighed, fixing my hair gently. “Okay. Well, I promise there’s nothing to be worried about.”
I looked at him and took a deep breath, folding my hands in my lap in an attempt to stop them shaking. “What was it that you wanted to tell me?”
Gerard frowned, suddenly looking nervous. “Um. Well...it’s hard for me to talk about, Frankie, I-”
“You’ve never told anyone before,” I finished quietly. “Like I never told anyone half of the things I talk to you about.”
He gulped, looking guilty and anxious. “Y-yeah, but this is...d-different.”
I stared at him and he took a deep breath, rubbing his eyes. He looked down at the floor, avoiding my gaze. “Have you ever heard the term ‘intersex’ before, Frankie?”
I relaxed slightly, shaking my head. This was just going to be about his gender. I could handle this. But why was he so nervous?
“Sorry, Gerard, I haven’t.”
“Well..it’s used to talk about someone whose biological sex doesn’t fit into male or female. Medically speaking.”
I frowned, running a hand through my hair. “I don’t understand, Gerard. I’m not..I’m not good at this stuff..”
He looked at me and my eyes widened as a tear spilled down his cheek. I quickly dug in my pocket, tugging out a tissue and handing it to him. He smiled slightly and sniffed, wiping the tear away. “I’m okay. I’m just...this is hard.”
I nodded and kissed his forehead. “I know how that feels, Gerard. Take your time.”
“Thanks.”
Gerard stared at the floor for a while, gathering his thoughts. I waited patiently, holding his hand loosely.
“Okay. So you know about X and Y chromosomes from biology, right?”
I nodded slightly, smiling at him. “It’s a miracle that I remember, but I know what you’re talking about.”
He smiled nervously. “Well, for some people, that gets messed up. And they turn out...different.”
Light was beginning to dawn at this point and I squeezed his hand gently. “Okay.”
“I’m one of those people,” Gerard murmured, watching my face worriedly. “I have this thing they call ovotesticular disorder of sex development...and yeah. It’s a ridiculously long name.”
He laughed shakily, sniffing.
I smiled uncertainly and kissed his forehead. “I have no idea what that means.”
Gerard giggled, relaxing slightly as he leaned into me.
“But I won’t judge you for being different, Gerard. It won’t make you any less of a person to me, or any less attractive and kind and interesting. I’m...I just..can you explain a little more?”
He nodded, resting his head against my shoulder. “Yeah...I um. Well. I have male and female reproductive tissue, so...this is really weird to talk about.”
I chuckled and brushed my knuckles over his cheek. “Yep. I feel you. You can tell me it in more general terms if you like.”
Gerard shifted. “Okay. It’s different for pretty much everyone, I think...but my body can produce both types of sex cells, if that makes sense..”
“Like a hermaphrodite? Isn’t that something that only happens in plants?”
He giggled and shook his head slightly. “No, slugs are I think.”
We both laughed and I wrapped an arm around him tightly. “Okay, so maybe that was a stupid thing to say, but I’m trying really hard to understand..”
Gerard smiled and squeezed my hand gently. “I know, Frankie. But um. My genitals are uh...different. I don’t really have...the usual stuff.”
I nodded slightly, feeling very very much out of my depth. “Okay.”
“So I um...my doctor isn’t entirely sure, but he thinks I could carry a baby. And if they managed to extract some of my sperm, I could probably father a baby too. But uh..not easily.”
I ran my fingers through his hair slowly, humming softly. “That’s kinda cool.”
Gerard rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I guess. I just...I wish I was normal. I just...sometimes I really hate-”
“Don’t say that,” I interrupted gently. “You’re amazing, Gerard.” I nuzzled the side of his head, pressing a soft kiss to his temple. “To be quite honest, after the life I’ve had so far, I’m not really one to care much about genitals, or whatever else. If we can’t have sex in the way that I’m used to, that would probably suit me perfectly. If we ever get to that stage, anyway. And there are a lot of people like me, I’ll bet. That aren’t too worried about what’s in your jeans or those cat tights you like.”
“But-”
“Shh. I know it’s hard to feel good about yourself sometimes, I understand. But I want you to know that I think you’re flawless, Gerard. You’re unspeakably unique and I absolutely love that about you. I wish you'd told me sooner, but I know you were scared. I really care about you, Gerard.”
When Gerard had finished crying, I walked him downstairs and we served ourselves up bowls of ice cream, Gerard insisting on adding gummy bears to his. I rolled his eyes and helped him anyway, kissing his cheek. No one else was home yet, so we curled up on the couch together to eat.
“Gerard?”
He looked at me, giggling softly. “You have ice cream on your nose, Frank.”
I stuck my tongue out at him and wiped it off, then sighed. “Um. Can you tell me more about this intersex thing? I want to understand properly.”
Gerard smiled at me and shuffled closer. “What do you wanna know?”
I tilted my head slightly. “Well, I mean...you have both sets of hormones, right? How does that work?”
He sighed and bit his lip, thinking for a second. “Well. Um, how about I start from the beginning a little? Would that help?”
I nodded, stealing one of the gummy bears from his bowl. He slapped my hand gently.
“Okay. You know my birth mother left me at the hospital, right? Well, she left me because the doctors told her I was intersex. They said she’d have to raise me carefully or pay for an expensive surgery to ‘fix’ me.”
I pulled a face, shaking my head slightly. “You don’t need fixing.”
Gerard smiled at me, nodding. “Yeah, exactly. So my parents adopted me and decided to raise me super carefully. They didn’t think they were able to have children, so they looked after me really well..”
“Hold on. So where does Mikey fit in?”
He shrugged. “A couple months after they adopted me, Mum found out she was pregnant. She likes to say it was karma for adopting me, but my dad just rolls his eyes.”
I smiled, setting my empty bowl aside and rubbing Gerard’s knee lightly.
“Anyway. They raised me to make my own choices and they raised me as neither a boy or a girl. So I had dresses when I was little and I had jeans, I played with Barbies and action figures. Like every kid should, but that’s a whole other thing. When I hit puberty, I started to get periods and I started to develop breast tissue. I absolutely hated it. I was completely miserable, so my parents took me to a therapist.”
I watched him as he paused, poking at the gummy bears now swimming in melted vanilla ice cream. “Um. Yeah. So I went on testosterone. But I really liked feminine things and I liked my face the way it was and I didn’t really want a deeper voice, so I’m on a low dose. I have to keep taking it probably for the rest of my life, unless I get...other surgery. And I had surgery to remove my breast tissue. So..yeah. I like my body a little more masculine, but I also like to present more feminine, I don’t know. I guess I’m just-”
“Unique,” I said firmly, smiling at him. “Not weird or strange. Unique. I can’t imagine having to make those choices. Was it hard?”
Gerard nodded slightly. “Yeah, I was really scared and depressed for a while, but my family supported me really well and I got through it. I still have issues sometimes, but they’re mostly about other things..”
He said it dismissively, but I frowned. “What do you mean?”
He sighed and poked at his gummy bear soup. “I um. Can get really...controlling about my weight sometimes. I don’t really like the way I gain weight, because it distributes kind of strangely. Like I gain it in my thighs and belly a lot, but not really anywhere else? I don’t know. I’m doing okay now, but sometimes I just go through phases.”
I nodded and brushed his hair behind his ears slowly. “Okay. We can keep an eye on it together.”
Gerard looked at me and smiled, just staring at me.
“What?”
“I love how you said that so casually. That we’ll do it together. It was really sweet, like you didn’t even have to think about it.”
I frowned. “I didn’t. You’re my friend, and maybe something else to me as well, and I care about you. I’ll help you with anything.”
He set his bowl down on the coffee table and smiled at me. “Kiss me?”
I grinned and shrugged, looking away. “Maybe I don’t wanna.”
Gerard whined and shoved my chest. “Don’t tease me, Frankie! I was worried you wouldn’t want to be my friend after I told you..”
I turned my head to look at him, frowning. “Really? Is that why you were so nervous?”
Gerard sighed, nodding slightly. “Yeah. It’s kind of why I haven’t really dated anyone before, too. I usually push people away before it gets romantic because I’m scared of telling them.”
I cupped his jaw in my hands, smiling at him. “I’m not going anywhere, Gerard.”
I kissed him softly, tilting my head slightly as he deepened the kiss tentatively, his fingers tangling in my hair. He swung himself into my lap agilely, stroking my cheeks as I started to move my lips slowly, my hands running down his sides.
The front door slammed and Gerard jumped off me, giggling as he curled up on the couch next to me. I went bright red, looking up as Mikey walked into the living room, his backpack over one shoulder. He glared at me and opened his mouth to say something, but Gerard cut in first.
“I told him, Mikey,” Gerard said quietly, but the excitement in his voice was obvious.
“And?” Mikey was still glaring at me, but with slightly less aggression.
“And he thinks I’m flawless.” Gerard grinned, tilting his chin up almost smugly.
I felt like my face was about to melt off, but I smiled, gently taking Gerard’s hand. Mikey relaxed, but pointed a finger at his brother.
“Mum and Dad are gonna be pissed. Maybe refrain from making out with him seconds before they walk in the door.”
Gerard just laughed and Mikey rolled his eyes, winking at me as he walked upstairs. I bit my lip, taking a deep breath.
Gerard kissed my cheek. “He’s being silly, Frank, it’s alright. I’ll say I told you at school and they won’t be angry.”
I looked at him, chewing on my lip. “Um. Gerard, I don’t want to be your boyfriend.”
He blinked, then gritted his teeth and went to get up. I grabbed his arm quickly.
“No! Shit, I didn’t...that didn’t come out right...please sit down, Gerard…”
He sighed and shook me off, turning to face me but not sitting down.
“I don’t want to yet, Gee. I really really care about you and I need time to adjust to kissing you and liking you and spending time with you in a different way without...labeling it. I was sick of pretending to myself that I didn’t like you, but that doesn’t mean I’m ditching the idea of going slow with this. I need it to be slow, Gee.”
Gerard stared at me, then shook his head slightly, looking away. “I hate you.”
My breath caught in my throat.
“I hate you cause you want me to go slow and I just wanna spend all my nights with you. And I hate you cause you just came up with a really cute nickname and it makes me wanna cry..”
I relaxed immediately, smiling up at him. “Cuddle?”
Gerard grinned and nodded, curling up next to me and hugging me tightly. I wrapped an arm around him, holding him close to me.
Gerard was asleep, his head on my shoulder and his body curled up against mine. The tv was playing quietly. It was Saturday and Chris was out with Ricky, so I’d invited Gerard over to watch movies for most of the day, as he was sick and didn’t feel like doing much else. I heard the key in the door and covered Gerard’s ears as the front door swung open.
“Frank?”
“Shh!”
Chris walked into the living room and grinned at me. “Cute. I thought Ricky could come in and stay for dinner, is that okay?” he asked, keeping his voice down. I nodded.
“As long as Gerard can stay over.”
“Yes, but not in your room. You can sleep down here.”
I smiled, running my fingers through Gerard’s hair. “Okay. He’s not feeling well.”
Chris sighed. “Poor thing. I can go fetch some cold medicine if you like?”
I shook my head slightly. “I think it’s more of a tummy bug, he’s got stomachache and he’s super tired.”
“Okay. I’m gonna go start making dinner with Ricky, I’ll shut the kitchen door.”
I gave him a thumbs up and watched him walk out of the room. Gerard stirred slightly and I kissed the top of his head, stroking his cheek. His eyes opened slowly and he groaned softly.
“Are you feeling any better, Gee?”
He nodded, snuggling closer to me. “Mhm.”
“Does it not hurt so much?”
Gerard shook his head, closing his eyes again.
“I reckon you must’ve eaten something weird, then,” I hummed, stroking his cheek slowly. “At least you feel better now. Ricky’s staying for dinner, and Chris said you can stay overnight if you like.”
Gerard smiled sleepily and I kissed his temple. “I’m worried about you. Are you sure you feel okay?”
He nodded again, opening his eyes and lifting his head as he yawned. “I didn’t really sleep last night. I just need to catch up on a few hours.”
I tucked his hair behind his ears. “Why didn’t you sleep?”
Gerard gently pulled away from me to stretch, yawning again. “I dunno. Just couldn’t seem to drift off. I’ll be okay, seriously.”
“Okay,” I murmured, kissing him softly. He grinned and pulled me closer, letting me deepen the kiss slightly.
“Oops.”
I broke away from Gerard quickly, feeling my cheeks go red as I looked up at Ricky. He smiled.
“I came in at the wrong time, sorry guys. Dinner’s ready..”
Gerard looked at me as he left the room, his cheeks pale. “Does Chris know about this?”
I nodded quickly, pecking his lips again. “Yes, there’s nothing to worry about.”
I started to get up, but Gerard gently grabbed my leg. “Frankie?”
I frowned, stroking his hair. “What?”
“Did you tell Chris about me?”
I blinked and shook my head, stroking Gerard’s cheek. “No, Gee. You told me in confidence and I didn’t know if it was something it was ok to share or not.”
Gerard bit his lip softly. “I don’t mind him knowing as long as he doesn’t tell anyone else.”
“Okay, Gee. I’ll remember that, but we gotta go sit down at the table.”
I pushed my empty plate away and smiled at Chris. “Thanks, that was nice.”
Gerard looked up next to me, smiling sheepishly. “It was, I just..”
Chris shrugged. “It’s fine if you’re not feeling well, Gerard, I understand.”
Ricky smiled at me and I gritted my teeth. “Did you have a good day, Frank?”
I shrugged. “I guess. Most of my morning was dealing with Gerard throwing up.”
Gerard sighed, looking down at his lap. I rubbed the outside of his thigh lightly and he closed his eyes for a few seconds.
Ricky seemed at a loss of what to say and Chris was watching me. I stood up suddenly, making Gerard jump. “I'm gonna clear the plates.”
I started stacking plates, hurrying into the kitchen with them. I heard light footsteps behind me and Gerard rubbed my back slowly. “Are you okay, Frankie?”
“I'm not sure,” I answered honestly, starting to load the dishwasher. I glanced at him and found myself feeling glad that he was wearing a t shirt and jeans, then immediately feeling guilty.
“Frankie, calm down a second and take a few breaths. It's alright..”
He tried to touch my shoulder and I slapped him away, my breathing getting shorter. Gerard blinked and turned, walking out of the kitchen. I nearly dropped the plate I was holding. You fucking ruined it. He's walking away because you slapped him.
I almost started to cry when Gerard walked back in less than a minute later, followed by Chris, who walked up to me and put his hand on my shoulder. I jumped and tried to shake it off, but his grip was much firmer than Gerard's as he leaned down.
“Frank. You're having a panic attack, hon. Can you take some deep breaths for me?”
I shook my head, scratching at his wrist as I tried to pull his hand off my shoulder.
“Frank, calm down,” he said slowly, stroking my hair with his other hand. I dodged away, my breath hitching.
“Frankie,” Gerard spoke softly, gently pushing Chris away from me and taking his place. He cupped my jaw in his hands and kissed me, just briefly, then wrapped his arms around me tightly, cradling my head against his shoulder. “Shh, Frankie. Your Gee won't let anything hurt you. It's alright..”
He started to sway slightly, rocking me back and forth as I buried my face in his chest, trembling. “Come on, Frankie. Calm down, calm down. You're okay, you are. You wanna go upstairs to your room and sit in the quiet for a while?”
I nodded quickly, clinging to his arm as he broke away carefully, leading me upstairs. “Come on, Frankie..”
I stumbled in the hall and Gerard hummed softly, gently pulling me into my room and over to the bed. I crawled under the covers, hiding in the middle of the bed. I felt Gerard sit down on the edge and just laid there for a while, waiting for my breathing to get back to normal.
When I stuck my head out, my eyes widened. Gerard had his back to me, his shirt off. As I watched, he turned around, slipping one of my shirts on over his head. He spotted me and smiled. “Hey. I hope you don't mind if I borrow some pajamas.”
I shook my head slightly, sitting up. Gerard grinned. “Your hair is sticking up. It's cute.”
I flipped him off and slipped out of bed, tugging my shirt off. I walked past Gerard, grabbing a clean shirt from the drawer.
“Jesus.”
I blinked at him and he blushed. “Sorry, Frank. I didn't know you were that toned.”
I chuckled and shrugged, putting the shirt on before kissing his cheek. “Well. I am.”
“Good.”
Gerard turned away as I changed my trousers, then smiled at me as I shifted closer to him, wrapping an arm around his waist.
“Let's go downstairs.”
Chris had gone to bed, and it was just Gerard and I, curled up together in the sofa bed, watching tv practically on mute. Gerard shifted and snuggled up to my chest, throwing an arm around me. “Mmph.”
I smiled down at him sleepily, running my fingers through his hair. “Cutie. Are you tired?”
Gerard nodded slightly, yawning and trying to press even more of his body up against mine. I let my eyes slip closed, Gerard's quiet, rhythmic breathing slowly lulling me to sleep.
Notes
I hope this chapter is alright :)
The next chapter will have a little smut in which I am terrible at writing so please excuse that. Chapter 12 will also have some smut and chapter 13 is 99% smut so if you're not really a fan of smut (or of my smut lol) then I suggest you skip 13.
Logan <3
@LoganMai
great thanks
4/20/18