If You Marry Me, Would You... (Frerard)

Frank frowned. After his boyfriend stormed out of the house and slammed the door behind him, the younger was left confused and a little shocked.

Whatever Gerard was thinking about at that night couldn't be good, he knew, and it was probably even worse than he thought.

But he didn't have time to figure it out, because something already caught his attention...

His eyes wandered across the floor until they landed on the small drawer in the older's drawing desk.

When the other man entered the house and walked into the bedroom, he opened that drawer, quickly put something inside and shut it, probably not noticing the younger as he stood at the doorstep, seeing every move.

And Frank wondered, what if...

No. He wouldn't open that drawer. It was Gerard's private property. Frank couldn't open it without the man's permission. That would be wrong.

But... Gerard had been keeping so many secrets. What if this drawer was going to help Frank realize some of the things he was going through? Even if just a little fraction?

The young man shook his head, from where he was leaning against the door frame, his arms folded.

And he continued to stare at the drawer.

What did Gerard put in there? Where did he get it from? The two have been together all day, they went back home straight from the hospital, they sat in the waiting room together for hours. What did that-

That's it. That's fucking it, Frank needed to open that drawer.

It was so wrong, yet it felt so necessary. Gerard might be keeping something dangerous in there, and he wouldn't let Frank in with anything he was going through.

So the younger walked across the room, hesitant yet determined to know what the fuck was wrong with his boyfriend.

He didn't care that Gerard was a vampire, he didn't care that the man had a crazy brother who liked to torture Frank and hurt him, he didn't care that he sounded like a nosy girlfriend.

He didn't care that he couldn't understand a thing from what was going on around him. Gerard was keeping too much away from him, and Frank couldn't stand it anymore.

So, with a slightly shaky hand, he reached forward, took the small handle, and pulled the wooden drawer open.

Paper. That was the first thing he noticed.

The drawer was full of small paper notes, white as snow, folded and stacked together.

'Strange,' Frank thought.

After a few minutes of just staring into the pile of papers, he decided to grab one, unfolded it, and looked inside.

All he could think about as he read was: what the fuck?

xoxoxoxo

A figure.

That's what he was. A figure. A person. A man who stood in the middle of the dimly-lit alley, glaring into the air as he leaned against the brick wall and waited.

You could clearly see his emotions radiating from him. His body was shaking with anger, his eyes were wet with tears of self-hatred, his lower lip was quivering with sadness and guilt.

His mind was flooded with thoughts. Memories, feelings, past experiences, people he met, guys he fucked, people he loved, people he didn't like.

All his life prepared him for this moment. He didn't know that yet, but he felt something. He felt everything.

And he waited.

There was one thing he was waiting for, a man, and if there was one thing he was sure about, was that this man knew he needed to be there, in that alley.

They both knew they needed to talk.

The older man didn't know if he was in any state to talk. He was so overwhelmed, so mad and afraid and disappointed and guilty and dangerous.

But it was necessary.

He closed his eyes and took a deep, shaky breath, and then looked around in silent search for any other living soul.

'Come out of your shadows', he thought to himself, as if the other could read his mind. 'Come stand up to me like we both know you can do. Come destroy everything like you've always done. Come and take me.'

"I can hear it all, baby!" A voice suddenly called from the end of the alley.

Gerard slowly looked up, still panting with quieted rage, his eyes dark from his wrecked heart and storming emotions.

Their gazes locked.

Gerard could see it all. Jonathan did too. They knew each other so well.

Footsteps.

It was slow. Calm. After all, only one of them was defeated. Only one of them should've been hesitant.

That's how it worked in war. One wins, one loses, both sides get a little destroyed.

It's only a matter of who gets more destroyed sooner.

They were standing in front of each other. Gerard scraped his nails slowly over the bricks he was leaning against, trying his best to contain himself, to take control of his body... at least for now.

But, what was he supposed to do? What was he supposed to say?

They needed to have a talk, but talks need to be made through words, not only thoughts.

And even though Jonathan could always tell exactly what Gerard was thinking, some words needed to be said out loud.

Yet... nothing came out. Neither men said a word, or looked away, or attacked.

They were waiting. Waiting to see who will be the first one to speak up.

Until then, it was quiet...

Gerard broke down. That's it. He had no idea what to do, what to scream. He didn't know if he should cry or hit or fall, so he did the first thing that came into mind.

And his screams were what violated the heavy silence.

"YOU SON OF A BITCH! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU AND DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU KNOW! HOW FUCKING DARE YOU DO THIS TO HIM?! BOB DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO YOU! YOU SICK, TWISTED, HEARTLESS MOTHERFUCKER!"

And then he was pouncing at Jonathan, grabbing his neck, his eyes shifting into red as he let himself lose hold of himself.

Fuck it, fuck everything, he was lost, and broken, and nothing mattered anymore.

He just needed something to do, a way to express his rage over Bob's condition and his own life.
"Wow, wow, hey!" Jonathan exclaimed, struggling against the other man, who growled and scratched at him, trying to take him down.

Like anything he did could ever take Jonathan down...

The younger man suddenly gave him a stern look, right as Gerard was leaning over him, both still standing, his hands tight around Jonathan's neck, and in a swift move and a growl, he grabbed the older's arms forcefully and ripped him off of him.

Gerard yelped. Jonathan used the short moment of shock that held the other to turn him around slam him against the brick wall, Gerard's face hitting the material with a pained noise.

Jonathan bound his wrists behind his back, as he used the other hand to keep Gerard's face pressed up against the wall.

The elder was still struggling, trying to free himself from the other's hold, hissing and growling lowly, completely lost and desperate in his vampire mode.

Jonathan knew that state very well, how Gerard was when he was like this...

He also knew how to control it.

"Stop fighting!" He ordered sternly, and the other let out a furious huff and continued to squirm and scratch, yelling curses and assaults at him, his voice blurred out by his anger and energy, the energy he needed to release before he collapsed.

"Fucking- let go!" He tried, kicking his foot in attempt to hit Jonathan, but he couldn't see anything or aim properly at the moment.

"No! Fucking stop fighting and I'll let you go!" Jonathan shot back, and after realizing that Gerard wasn't in the right mind and couldn't understand a thing the younger would say to him, he spun him around and pinned his wrists above his head, continuing to try and shut him up.

The older man kicked helplessly, literally acting like a trapped animal, now closer to hitting Jonathan, so without a warning, the other nudges his legs apart with his foot and stuck his knee into the older man's crotch.

"UH FUCK!" Gerard screamed, throwing his head back in pain and hissing as Jonathan put more pressure onto his balls.

"Quit that shit and I'll stop," the younger growled at him, and when Gerard opened his eyes slightly, he noticed the fire in Jonathan's, as they burnt glowing red, and his heart was now filled with fear.

He shut up, gulping heavily as the other's knee continued to hold him back, rubbing slightly up and down, which had him panting even more and squirming with discomfort.

"You wanted to fucking see me," Jonathan started quietly, moving one hand to hold Gerard's face harshly, forcing him to look into his eyes. "You're seeing me," he spat, "now, fucking talk, or I'll walk away and leave you here in your own tears, because you've been crying for the past fifteen minutes."

That's when Gerard noticed the wet stains on his cheeks and below his eyes.

Those were tears of fear. Now, that his vampire mode began to fade, he certainly felt that fear.
Jonathan looked at him firmly, slowly taking control of Gerard, as always...

"What do you want?" He growled, when it seemed like Gerard was ready to let out actual words.

"I-I want you to- to stop," he panted out between broken gasps and trying to blow on his hair so it will get off of his sweaty face.

Jonathan didn't bother moving it for him.

But Gerard could see something changing in the other's eyes. They were shifting back into their original color, deep ocean mixed with green, swirling around in his sparkling orbs as his gaze bored holes in the older's face.

His mouth was twitching. Gerard frowned, as he watched his lips tug up to the smallest smirk, which almost triggered him again, but he was too helpless to keep on struggling.

He had already admitted defeat anyway.

"Is that so?" Jonathan whispered, his hand tightening around Gerard's wrists as the other one joined.

The elder let out a weak breath, and ever-so-slightly, nodded his head, as his weight was almost fully leaned over Jonathan's hold.

Because he knew the younger would hold him up.

"I want you to... to stop hurting everyone," he continued, his voice still raspy with the aftereffect of his vampire mode.

Jonathan only stared at him, in his tired hazel eyes, the tiredness he worked so hard to mask.

"Stop torturing me, stop hurting the people I love, stop getting in the way of my relationship. Stop everything," Gerard said, wanting to avert his gaze to the floor, but the other's eyes held him hostage.

He couldn't look away.

"You want me to stop?" The younger raised a sarcastic eyebrow, seeing all the defeat in Gerard's eyes.

He won. He knew he did. Gerard's pupils screamed it, every nerve in the older's body begged him to notice.

And he did.

Gerard nodded softly, eyes watering up once again, and he looked like a wounded wolf in the younger man's eyes.

He took this as an opportunity to test Gerard's limits.

"You want me to cut it out? To stop making your life a living hell, stop teasing you, stop fucking with your mind all the time?"

He needed to hear this. He needed to hear Gerard say it.

When all the elder did was whimper softly, Jonathan frowned, and pinned him harder into the wall with his knee.

"Fucking answer," he growled lowly.

Gerard gasped, as his crotch throbbed with unwanted pressure, and exhaled slowly.

"I-I do," he whispered, his eyes showing complete pain and misery as he looked up at Jonathan, fighting back the sobs.

The younger smirked, this time more clearly, and kept Gerard trapped between his strong body and the brick wall.

This was the moment he had been waiting for, for so long.

Everything he knew he needed to do, everything he wanted to do to the older man was about to happen, so, so soon.

He was done waiting.

Jonathan leaned in closer, his cold breath ghosting over Gerard's skin, making him tremble weakly and swallow.

Then he whispered huskily in his ear.

"You want me to leave little Frankie alone?"

Gerard's breath hitched. The pressure on his crotch was beyond painful now, his wrists probably red from how hard Jonathan was gripping them, and the younger man's words sent bad chills down his spine.

He just knew everything was about to go horribly wrong.

"Y-yes," he forced himself to speak, his voice barely a whisper, as he hung his head in defeat.

This was it. Something was about to happen.

"How bad?" The young man pushed, wanting to see him shatter and break. Those moments were so delicious and perfect, the young man wouldn't give them up for the world.

He was going to use every bit of this, every fraction of fun, every broken breath the older let out, as he was in such a submissive hopeless condition.

Jonathan could do anything. He could bend him over and fuck him senseless right there and then, he could beat him up to where the older couldn't walk or breathe, he could choke him until his skin turned blue, could burn him alive and hear his beautiful screams.

So much pain he could cause him...

But he went for a different option, one that will give him so much pleasure on the way, one that would satisfy him for good.

The older's voice was what cut off his fantasies.

"I-I just want you to let him be," he said, already hiccuping quietly with choked off sobs. "Let him live his life without having to be in so much d-danger. Let him be happy, don't do a-anything to him. Just don't hurt him."

"Mmh, are you going to beg, honey?" Jonathan murmured in his ear, just barely taking off from the pressure he worked on Gerard, but the older felt it very well, and let out a small sigh.

He turned his head a little, so his cheek was pressed to Jonathan's, and intentionally started grinding softly against his thigh, just enough for the other man to feel. He knew what the younger wanted to hear and how he wanted to hear it. So he was going to give it to him.

With a shaky breath, and a lick of his lips, he leaned a little closer and whispered in his ear.

"Please."

Jonathan smirked, putting even less pressure against Gerard's crotch.

"Please," the older continued, panting. "Please. Please. Please. Please, I beg of you. I don't know what else to do. I want Frank to be safe, and you're putting him in danger. I want you to leave him alone."

"Oh baby, you always knew how to beg," Jonathan grinned, his teeth scraping Gerard's neck, which made him shiver violently, but the younger held him in place before speaking up again. "And you know what? You convinced me. I won't hurt little Frankie."

Gerard almost sighed in relief. Well... if it wasn't for the odd note in Jonathan's voice.

Of course it couldn't be that simple.

He was proven right several seconds later.

"On one condition."

He frowned into the other man's hair. Condition? What condition could he possibly have for Gerard?

The scenarios that ran through the older's head caused Gerard to swallow and sweat even more, and Jonathan grinned into his neck as he pressed closer.

Very slowly, Gerard pulled his head away, lining their faces together, their noses almost touching, and looked up at the other man.

Jonathan wasn't smiling anymore, and he wasn't sure if it was good or not. He looked in the younger's eyes, searching for the answer somewhere deep in the ocean blue, mesmerizing, familiar flare.

Eventually he built up the courage inside him to ask.

"W-what kind of c-condition?"

Then the slight smirk was back.

Everything stopped.

Jonathan's movement on his crotch froze, his hands stopped pressing Gerard's wrists into the wall, simply holding them, their gazes were stuck together.

He didn't want Jonathan to talk. He knew whatever the younger was going to say would be bad. Yet he knew he had to hear it, if he ever wanted this nightmare to end...

But... nothing prepared him for what he heard once the young man parted his lips.

"Leave him, Gerard."

Gerard's eyes widened. He stopped breathing. Everything went dark.

He didn't hear properly, right? There was no way those words left Jonathan's mouth, and reached Gerard's ears.

It had to be a mistake...

Right?

Three words. Three words that echoed through his ears, a thousand times over and over again.

This wasn't happening. This couldn't be the condition Jonathan was giving him.

And the only thing Gerard could manage out of his mouth in a weak tone and broken voice was:

"What?"

"You heard me," Jonathan replied simply. "Leave him. Leave Frank. Break up with him. That's the only condition I'm gonna give."

Gerard froze. His world fell apart, every single piece of his sanity left him, leaving a horrible void that he wanted to fill so bad...

But how?

"N-no," he choked out, suddenly finding it in himself to get anything out.

Jonathan raised his eyebrow a little.

"No," Gerard said again, more firmly. "This can't be your condition! No! I won't accept it! Fucking let me go!"

He was angry again. The younger man could feel him flex in his hold, fighting against his body in attempts to get him off of him.

Jonathan was a little surprised, but he didn't let it show. He must admit, he knew the older wasn't going to take it too well, and judging by the tears that streamed down his face, as he turned red with desperation, anger, effort and emotions, it was far worse than the young man thought.

Not that it mattered much. Gerard could deny all he wanted.

But at the end of the day, he was the one who wanted Jonathan to stop. He wanted him to leave everyone alone, to let them live in peace.

And that was the price.

He held him tightly, preventing Gerard from pulling away, pressing onto him with every inch of his body.

He knew how much Frank meant to Gerard, and it made him so fucking content to see the older man in this state, lost in this situation with no way to escape.

Gerard was a physical and emotional wreck, as reality sank in, and he watched as his whole world fell apart, crashed and burnt, and he was left with nothing in his hands but darkness.
Because he knew he had to accept that choice, his only choice, just to keep the man he cared about safe.

"Do it," Jonathan gave his final word, ignoring the heavy sobs that left the other, his eyes and nose leaking as his face flushed red.

He lost all his power, going limp in the other's hold, finally accepting the condition, and now all he could do was cry.

He didn't care anymore. The other had seen him cry before, not this heavily, but he had. Gerard allowed Jonathan to hold him against the wall, he allowed himself to break down, the salty water soaking his skin, his nose tugging upwards awkwardly with every quiet sniffle.

It was a lost case. He had no chance of getting away from it. It would be the end of him, but it would give Frank the chance. The chance to live his life without the walking disaster that Gerard was.

Frank didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve all the danger, the confusion, the pain. He deserved to be happy, have a life, build a family.

Gerard and his shit would only prevent this from him.

So he accepted the deal.

The older man sniffled again, his head hanging, and he allowed the last few tears to fall before slowly lifting his head, locking eyes with the man who watched him all through his breakdown, and gave the final nod of agreement...

And Jonathan let go all at once.

Gerard could finally stand again, feeling his knees shake beneath him as his crotch still stung and his wrists throbbed slightly, but he didn't give a shit about any of them.

"Can you..." He began, looking anywhere but at the other man, "Can you go?"

The younger man smirked, putting his hands in his pockets with a short "of course", before he was walking away, letting Gerard head back home, to what he knew would be the worst night of his life.

He ran.

There were a lot of reasons for why was running, and this fast.

One reason, he had all that energy to unload, fueled up by everything that had happened.

Another reason, was that he wanted to see Frank already, see his boyfriend and figure something out for the last time.

Another reason... he just wanted to get away from that damn alley.

xoxoxoxo

"Meet me at 2a.m. in the alley."

"Glad to see you had the guts to kiss him in our alley. Funny to see how reckless you can be, over and over again.
But it will make you fall, Gerard. It will make you fall so hard.
YOU WILL BLEED."

"So hot baby, just as I remembered you. Too bad that pretty mouth around your body didn't belong to me.
Oh well, there's always next time ;)
Xoxo"

Frank was more than confused by all these notes.

If he thought it would bring him some information or relief, he was very wrong.

These notes couldn't be from the same person, he knew. The handwriting was different, and the use of words.

Why did some of the notes have "xoxo" on them? It seemed like someone was hitting on Gerard...

Frank used the little knowledge he had about the people in his boyfriend's life to guess who it was.

And the scary note, the one with the threat in it. It must've been from Michael. And the first one had the same handwriting, meaning Gerard went to see him somewhere in the past.

The paper felt fresh. Why would Gerard go to see his psychopath brother while he was putting them in such great danger?

Was it even real? Was everything real? What did this all mean?

And the love notes? Was Gerard just receiving and ignoring them, or was he going out behind Frank's back and fucking someone else? Why would he keep them if he ignored them?

All those nights he went out, came back, didn't say a word, denied...

It all made sense to Frank now.

And the hurt on his face was more than clear if you looked at him.

xoxoxoxo

Gerard was standing right outside the house, facing the front door, not moving because of the mess he was.

His mind was once again flooded, this time, with things he was going to say.

There wasn't an easy way to do this. There couldn't be. He would have to get it done with, set Frank free no matter what the other's reaction would be.

But how could he be strong enough?

He couldn't. He knew that if he let any of his pain out, let any of the regret he was feeling show, it would all go to hell, he would have to tell Frank everything, he wouldn't be able to let him go...

Frank would never leave him.

Gerard shook his head. He needed this, he needed to be strong for himself, mask it all, not let anything out, not even for a moment...

Just so Frank could be safe.

xoxoxoxo

"Come meet me in the alley at 1a.m. and don't be fucking late. I'll be waiting there."

That one was definitely from Michael, meaning Gerard had went out to see him more than once.

It was so overwhelming, finding out even a bit of all that the older man was doing, hiding from his boyfriend for so long...

The last note he read made him want to throw up all over the bedroom floor, filling him with a sickening blur that caused his stomach to flip.

"I know I'm a bit late, but a rumor came to my ears, about you and little Frankie lacking lube.
So I bought you some. Don't worry. That one's on me. You can thank me later Baby ;)
Have fun xoxo"

Frank's choked on his breath. What the fuck?! Someone bought Gerard fucking lube, and more than that, they knew so much about his SEX LIFE?

Frank didn't know what to think anymore. He wasn't sure if he should be angry or disappointed or embarrassed.

Although, most of all, at that moment, he felt hurt. Hurt that this was what Gerard was keeping from him for so long, that this was Gerard's dark secret.

He was seeing his brother, he had someone dirty-talking to him, sending him lube.

They were being watched.

It made the young man feel so ashamed, and stupid, and betrayed.

How could the man he cared about so much do this to him...

"Frank."

There was someone at the doorstep.

The younger was so deep in his emotions to notice the other man opening and shutting the door, walking along the corridor and standing there.

He turned around, eyes wide with surprise, the notes still in his hand.

Gerard knew that it was over. The young man knew about what he had been doing lately.

But he couldn't let his feelings show. Not now.

"Gerard, what... what is all that?" Frank whispered.

"Frank..." The older began coldly, leaning against the door frame, his eyes dark and emotionless, because that was the only way of keeping himself up. "We need to talk."

No. He didn't want to talk. He wanted to get it over with, just smash the walls, shatter the glass and have it falling to his feet.

And then he would cry.

"Gerard?" Frank asked concernedly, seeing his boyfriend's indifferent face.

He turned around slowly, still holding the notes, looking deep in Gerard's eyes... and seeing nothing.

"This isn't working, Frank," the older man spat it out without thinking twice.

That's it. That was the only way to do it. No other option, no escape.

"W-what?"

The surprise on the younger's face, which quickly shifted into confusion and slight dread, was enough to almost break Gerard down.

He held himself though. He could do this. It was for the best.

"Us," he shot quietly, not sounding angry, or anything really. Just... talking.

"What? G-Gerard, what do you mean? What is happening?"

"You know damn well what is happening."

The older narrowed his eyes, but kept his tone calm.

"Wha-Ge-Gee, you-you can't, why would you- but, I-"

"Frank, stop this," he said, leaving the doorstep and walking into the room. "You know we're not a good couple. Cut it out."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Frank pressed, searching for the answers he wasn't going to get. "Gerard, where the hell did you go and what happened to you there?"

"Nothing Frank, I'm telling you the truth now. We need to cut the crap."

No he wasn't, he wasn't telling the truth. They both knew it.

But Frank didn't need to know that Gerard knew.

"No, YOU need to cut the crap! You're not making any sense Gee, please, stop it, you're scaring me," the younger said, his voice shaky, as he stared at his boyfriend marching slowly towards him.

"I am making sense. I'm making perfect sense. You need to realize it too, Frank." He stopped there, in the middle of the room, several feet from the other. There it is, time to get it all out. "I mean, look at all that had happened lately. We've both been cold, and distant. You didn't trust me. We've been having meaningless sex, like all my one-night-stands, and your ex-boyfriends. What do you think is gonna come out of this?"

"EVERYTHING!" Frank exclaimed. He couldn't believe this. He couldn't believe that Gerard had actually said it, that he blamed Frank for not trusting him, that he called Frank a one-night-stand, compared himself to all of Frank's ex's. "Our sex wasn't meaningless!" He continued, fighting against the tears that threatened to come. "I felt something there! You felt it too! We're a couple, for fuck's sake! We care about each other! What the hell happened, that makes you just walk in, all cold and shit, and start telling me that you don't want a relationship with me, that it wouldn't work?!"

"I'm just facing the facts, Frank," the older replied coldly. "Time for you to do the same."

"SHUT UP!" Frank yelled. "Fucking hell, this isn't you! What happened to you? What happened to my Gerard, the one that wouldn't say all this?"

"I'm. Not. Yours," Gerard growled lowly, pushing away every inch in his mind that screamed at him that this was wrong. "And I think you need to leave. For the sake of us both."

Frank's eyes widened again. The notes fell from between his fingers, and suddenly he was walking over to Gerard, standing in front of the man and looking up at him.

"What? You're-you're kicking me out?" He whispered, offended more than he'd ever been in his entire life.

"I'm telling you to leave. I don't want you anymore," the older man replied, simply and quietly, folding his arms and waiting.

There was a short silence, where the young man considered whether he should hit the man or kiss him passionately.

"WHAT?" Frank exclaimed, now angry, "Why the hell would you say this?! Only a few hours ago, we were sitting in the waiting room of the hospital, together, holding hands, and now you're telling me you don't want me? Give me my Gerard back!"

"I am Gerard, the only Gerard you see in front of you, and I'm telling you the whole truth," he said.

"So... you were lying? All this time? All those things you were doing, behind my back, all the people you've met, everything, you... you were just thinking of me as a useless piece of shit?"

No! Of course he didn't! Of course he fucking didn't! He cared for Frank, he wanted Frank, he didn't want anyone else!

If only the words would just come out...

But they couldn't.

He had to keep going until it was over.

"Yes."

That word burnt him more than it burnt Frank. It was such a lie, such a painful lie.

He didn't know how he managed to keep talking to the younger man like this.

Maybe because he knew it would solve all the problems. It would set Frank free and give him happiness, safety.

Gerard was doing it for him.

"No," Frank whispered, breaking his thoughts, "You're lying. I can see that you're lying. You would never do this to me. You care about me, please, just tell me you care about me!"

The young man sounded so desperate. He wanted to get Gerard to tell the truth, to say this was all just a joke and he truly wanted Frank.

But... it didn't happen.

And that fact made Frank so fucking angry.

Gerard didn't expect what happened next. It shocked him, almost making him break his mask.

"YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH!" The young man screamed, grabbing Gerard by the front of his shirt and smashing him against the nearest wall. "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? WHY ARE YOU HURTING ME SO MUCH? FUCKING STOP!"

Gerard kept his cold expression. He allowed Frank to do with him as he wished, allowed him to shake him and hit his chest and look up at him with watery eyes as he spoke brokenly.

"STOP IT, OKAY? CUT IT OUT, STOP BEING SO COLD! I'M SORRY IF I DID SOMETHING, I'M SORRY IF THIS IS ALL BECAUSE OF ME, BUT JUST SAY SOMETHING! SAY ONE THING, PLEASE!"

The older man stared at him, blankly.

Frank stopped shaking him eventually, only stared at him pleadingly, tears slowly making their way down his pink cheeks.

His words were quiet again, as if he was afraid to speak them, because he didn't want them to be true.

"Is this t-true?" He asked. "I-is it my fault? Am I the reason why you're doing this?"

"I don't want you as my boyfriend, Frank. I don't see why I need to justify myself to you," Gerard answered, giving him the slightest glare, just to get his words as clear as they could get...

Even though they weren't true.

"But you... but you do," Frank whispered, his lower lip quivering, and now he was letting himself cry freely, leaning over Gerard, wrapping his hands around his neck like a small child seeking shelter, protection.

But Gerard didn't give him that shelter. All he did was stand there, unmoving, his hands at his sides, as the young man sobbed into his chest.

He wanted so badly to hug him, to just wrap his arms around the younger and kiss him and tell him it will be alright.

He couldn't though.

Not ever.

"Just say... just say something..." Frank sniffled into the older's shirt, fisting it in his hand, shaking with how this was all too much for his fragile body to handle.

"Go," Gerard said, and it was like a dagger to Frank's heart, which caused him to tighten his grip on Gerard's shirt and press his nose into where his heart should be.

"I don't want to go," he cried in a whisper, and then lifted his head and looked into Gerard's eyes, the older's feelings being perfectly suppressed.

"You have to. I don't want you here," he replied.

"No, but..." Frank took a deep breath, leaning so his breath was hitting Gerard's lips, and the elder wanted to kiss him so bad, he wanted to crash his lips to the younger's, taste every inch of him, shove him on the bed and then doze off next to him after rough passionate sex, just like it should have been.

Instead, he was standing there, with Frank right in front of him, the younger clearly struggling to get the words out.

"I told you to go," he pressed.

"No, I..."

Frank gulped, his hazel eyes boring holes into Gerard, deadly spaces, that he would never be able to fill...

"I love you."

Then there was a moment.

That short moment, in which the walls fell down, and Gerard's eyes widened to where he thought they couldn't get any bigger.

Wh... wha... what did Frank just say? Did he just... no. This couldn't be happening. Not now. Please, PLEASE not now.

Gerard was quick to put his mask back on, his eyes returning to their original size, his mouth closing shut, and the cold expression back to his face.

Frank noticed that moment though. The older man wasn't quick enough. He didn't make it to let it slip away.

And the younger's heart swelled with the tiny hope that maybe, just maybe, he could get his Gerard back, finally hear him say a word.

And indeed, the elder parted his pink lips slightly and spoke up...

If only those were the words Frank wanted to hear.

"Take your money with you when you leave."

The young man's eyes widened with utter shock.

This? This was what Gerard chose to say to him, at such a moment? This was what he chose to tell Frank in the last time they're talking to each other?

No. This couldn't be true, now he knew it. No one could be this fucking heartless, especially not Gerard, to say such a thing.

Frank's fingers tightened on the older's shirt, to a level where he was almost ripping it from the man's muscular torso, he glared at him deeply, using all the venom and the fire and hurt, shooting at Gerard everything he felt at that moment...

Before letting go.

He left the fabric that covered his boyfriend's chest... well... ex-boyfriend, stepped backwards, and just like that, in a blink of an eye... he was gone.

Gerard watched with cold eyes as Frank bolted out of the room, hearing the front door open swiftly and slamming shut.

And then there was silence.

That heavy silence that only hung when a person was truly alone, as he was beginning to realize exactly what he just did, what he just said.

He was alone. Gerard was left alone after he kicked out the love of his life, into the outside world, leaving Frank vulnerable and heart broken.

But what else was he supposed to do?

The younger would be safe now, right? Jonathan promised that he would leave him alone, let him stay alive, not damage him like he did to Bob.

And now, Frank most probably hated him. Gerard hurt him so much, he could just see it in his eyes. Now the younger would never want to come back, and that was for the best.

It was for the fucking be-

Oh god no, this was too much, Gerard couldn't justify his way out of it.

The older man broke down. That's it. Frank was gone. He didn't have to pretend anymore, to act like it didn't matter to him at all.

Gerard fell.

Every single force that held him up, emotionally and physically, was gone, and he practically collapsed to the floor, into the pile of notes he received in the past few months, a sweating crying mess, as he curled up in himself to a fetal position, and screamed his lungs out for his love, his only love, that now slipped away and ran out the door.

It was over. Everything was over, and he wouldn't be able to build himself up again.

Ever.

He cried. The tears were ripped out of him, soaking the rug underneath him, as Gerard covered his face with his hands in shame, not wanting to see or feel anything right now.

But he could see. He could see it all. He saw just how stupid he was, how every step in his life led him to this, how he couldn't get his old life back...

Actually, it was the life he never had.

What WAS he all this time?

He was a whore. A fucking slut, the world's bitch, that "everything he cares about concludes with something being shoved up his ass", as his brother's figure from ten years ago described him.

And he was right. He was so damn right, it burnt Gerard's heart even more.

He was a slut, a useless, arrogant slut, never thinking forward.

Just like that night in the alley, just like the first time he met Jonathan, just like every guy he fucked on his bed, just like every time he lied to Michael about "going to a friend's house".

What good did it all do? How did it help him, in any manner?

He was broken now. The "porcelain doll" that was him, as Jonathan called him all those years ago, was shattered to pieces, a castle made of glass that someone brought down with the heaviest hammer there is.

And it was over.

All that was left of him was his shaking form and the screams that left him, calling out his love's name, the love he let go, so Frank could be, at last, safe.

Was it worth it though? Was it worth all the pain, the unbearable clenching of his heart everytime the boy's face appeared in front of him.

"Frankie," he whispered to himself, trying to reach out, with his eyes still closed, and touch the boy's delicate face.

So perfect... so perfect... every feature and curve, the way his mouth stretched with a smile that reached all the way to his glimmering hazel eyes, the way his body moved with Gerard's as if they were one person, the way his voice was so soft when he spoke, his laughter...

Everything about him, everything that used to belong to Gerard, was suddenly gone now.

And would probably never be back.

He couldn't believe he broke Frank's heart. He didn't even mean it in the first place. He just wanted to do something good, instead leaving himself breathless, and hopeless, and afraid.

The worst part, though, was that he couldn't even chase after him. He couldn't run after the younger, take him in his arms and tell him he loved him too, loved him so much, make love to him all night long under the moonlight, hold his small body, cradle him and rock him gently until he fell asleep to the sound of Gerard's voice singing softly, dance with him to the tune of an old love song on the radio as they made breakfast together, watch him as he played guitar, completely concentrated at what he was doing, his fingers moving so delicately, as if they were dancing along the strings, hug him tightly no matter where they were, lift him up and spin him around whenever something good happened to them, stand next to him in a fancy suit as the two exchanged rings and vows, adopt a few cute kids, three maybe, wake up next to his beautiful husband every morning, smile at him and confess his feelings all over again like a shy flustered teenager.

He couldn't have that.

Frank was gone.

xoxoxoxo

The young man ran across the street, the wind that hit his face stinging, his tears-filled face feeling dry.

He was overwhelmed, so hurt and sad and angry and broken at the same time.

But he didn't have time to process it all right now, because a certain question bothered him the most.

Where was he supposed to go now?

He wanted to get away, get away from everyone, and everything.

He couldn't come back to Gerard, he couldn't go to Livvie, Bob was in a coma, where the fuck would he...

He stopped. Stopped, in the middle of an unknown street, his hand on his mouth, as his eyes widened.

Then he was digging in his pocket for his phone, fishing it out and looking down at the screen with tired blurry eyes.

He searched for the last contact he added, finding the number he was looking for soon enough, and with trembling fingers, he dialed it.

It rang.

Not many rings passed before a familiar friendly voice was heard at the other side of the line, and the words he spoke were quiet and slow, nothing but a cold, shaky whisper.

"K-Kelly? I-I need a place to crash."

Notes

oops.