How to Change the Past

I watched Mikey get dressed for work, still laying in bed lazily. “We have to keep a close eye on Gerard,” I said quietly. He glanced at me.
“Why?”
“He seemed off when I saw him yesterday. He was wearing the same clothes as the day before, and he looked super tired. You just learn to spot these cues.”
“How long’s it been since his last one?”
I grabbed my phone, looking at the calendar. “Almost a month, that's really good for him.”
Mikey nodded, tugging his shirt on before kissing me gently. “I gotta go now, are you gonna be okay?”
I nodded, yawning. “I need to catch up on some sleep.”
“Okay Frankie, you do that.”
I watched Mikey leave, blowing him a kiss. As soon as the door shut behind him, I rolled onto my back, grabbing my phone. I was checking Facebook when it rang, Gerard's name popping up on the screen. I answered the call immediately, putting it on speaker as I sat up.
“Hey Gee, everything okay?”
“Jerry’s in my apartment,” Gerard mumbled, sounding tearful.
“Fuck,” I muttered, getting up and starting to get dressed. “Are you okay? Where are you?”
“I'm in the bathroom.”
“Okay, sweetie. What can you see?”
“I can't see anything, I shut them out.”
I took a deep breath as I buckled my belt. “Okay. What can you hear?”
“They're all shouting, Frankie,” Gerard whimpered softly. “They're screaming at me. They wanna kill me.”
“Don't listen to them, Gee. I'm coming over and I'll make them go away, I promise.”
“B-but they're so loud!” He sobbed quietly, and I heard a thud.
“Gee, sweetie, take a deep breath. Are you in the bathtub?”
“N-no..”
“Okay, so turn the tap on as far as it'll go, and listen to the water, alright? I'm walking now, I’ll be there in five minutes.”
“I'm scared, Frankie..”
“I know, Gee,” I said quietly, weaving in between people. “You're okay, it's gonna be okay.”
He screamed suddenly and I started running, sprinting down the sidewalk.
“What's going on?”
“They've broken the door down!”
I finally saw his building, running up the steps and fumbling with my keys as I unlocked it. “It's okay, Geebear, I'm coming inside now, I'm coming, sweetie.”
I took the stairs two at a time, trying not to listen to him sobbing. “Fuck,” I mumbled to myself, nearly dropping my keys as I unlocked the door to his apartment and hurried inside, making a beeline for the bathroom. The door was shut, but unlocked, so I opened it and sighed. Gerard was curled up in a tiny ball in the corner, hugging his knees.
“Gee?” I called softly. He looked up, tears pouring down his cheeks. I walked over and sat down on the floor next to him, pulling him into a hug. “It's okay, Gee. It's okay. There's no one here but me, you're safe now.”
He shifted against me, lifting his head again. “I'm so scared,” he whispered softly, staring at nothing.
“It's okay, Gee, really.”
Gerard sat up slightly, looking at me blankly. He suddenly grabbed my cheeks, kissing me deeply. Shocked, I pulled away quickly, hitting my head against the wall behind me. Gerard stared at me for a couple seconds, his eyes wild and scared, then he ran out, slamming the door behind him. I sat there for a while, then picked up my phone, dialing Mikey as I left the bathroom and walked straight to Gerard’s front door.
“Hey, Frankie. Everything okay?”
“No,” I sniffed. “Gerard's having an episode and I really can't handle this right now, can you come over to his? He just needs a hug and calming down, I just can't...I can't..”
“It's okay, Frankie. I'll leave here in like five minutes, I'll be there in ten. Are you heading home?”
“Y-yeah,” I whimpered. “To m-mine.”
“Alright. I'll see you there in a little bit. I love you.”
“Love you too.”

By the time Mikey got home, I had had four scotches and most of a bottle of wine. I was curled up on the couch, watching reruns of How I Met Your Mother and crying. I couldn't face Mikey after that kiss, not without some - correction: lots - of alcohol in my system.
He sat down next to me and just hugged me, gently pulling the bottle of wine out of my unresisting hand. “You're gonna have a massive hangover soon, little one. Silly Frankie.”
I sniffed, grabbing onto his shirt as I crawled into his lap, feeling sick and exhausted. “I just wanna sleep forever,” I slurred, slumping against his chest. Mikey sighed and rubbed my back, carefully standing up. “Shh. Let's get you to bed, then. You look tired, sweetie. Come on..”
Mikey carried me to my bed, laying me down very gently and kissing my cheek. “I love you, Frankie. Even when you're blind drunk. Get some rest.”
“‘Ove you too,” I mumbled, my heavy eyelids already slipping shut.

I was in the park with Gerard, watching the trees shift in the wind and staring up at the sky. We were laying on our backs in the grass. He broke the silence first. “Frankie?”
“Mm?” I hummed, not bothering to move.
Gerard turned on his side to face me. “What do you think love is like?”
I frowned, shifting. “I dunno, Gee. Why?”
“There's this girl..”
I shut my eyes for a couple seconds. There was always a fucking girl.
“I kissed her, but it didn't feel like kissing the other people I've kissed.”
I wasn't really listening anymore, but shifted onto my side so I could watch him. The gnawing feeling in my stomach got stronger as I stared at him, at his lips as they moved.
“She's not that cute, but-”
“Gerard, I'm gay,” I said quietly, suddenly.
Gerard blinked, and for a split second, he almost looked scared. “Really?”
I nodded slightly. “I like guys.”
“Oh. Okay. That's cool,” he smiled. “Does that mean you don't wanna hear about my problems with girls anymore?”
I laughed and shook my head. “Nah. It's fine, go on.”
He started to talk again and my stomach got tight. What had I expected? Had I thought he'd jump up and cry out ‘me too! I'm gay too!’ and kiss me like in some stupid movie?
Some small part of me had, but now I was in this moment, in this reality, where Gerard liked girls and he wanted to talk about one. I couldn't care less, I told myself, but it wasn't strictly true. I cared because I hated that girl, the girl that made him feel the way I wanted to make him feel.
“Frank?” Gerard was looking at me worriedly. “Are you okay?”
I touched my cheek and looked at my wet fingers, then sniffed. “Fuck. I'm sorry, I just...I've never told anyone that I'm gay,” I lied smoothly.
Gerard smiled. “That's okay. You're still my best friend.”

Mikey was there when I woke up, sitting up in bed next to me, holding my hand.
“Mikey?” I mumbled, squinting at him. He brushed the back of his hand over my cheek absentmindedly.
“You were crying in your sleep, Frank.”
I struggled to sit up, rubbing my eyes. “I’m sorry, Mikey, did I wake you up?”
“No, but you were talking about Gerard, what happened?”
I flinched and watched his face nervously, unable to tell if he was angry, upset, or just worried.
“What did I say?” I asked softly, trying not to start shaking.
“You were just mumbling his name, and you said you loved him a couple times. Are you really that worried about him? I thought you said all this was normal.” I heaved a long sigh, holding the heel of my hand against my aching forehead. “I’m just tired, Mikey. With Paul and you, and now Gerard getting worse again, I’m just having trouble handling stuff as normal.”
Mikey frowned, stroking my cheek slowly. “What do you mean, with me?”
I leaned against him and ran a hand through my hair. “I love you, Mikey, so so much, but being in a serious relationship again is very difficult for me, you have to understand that.”
He rubbed my shoulder slowly, sighing. “I’m trying to understand, and it’s hard for me too. But I love you, and I’m not going anywhere. You don’t need to worry, and I’m here for you if you’re ever too tired. You just need to talk to me a little more, yeah? I love you.”
Mikey tried to pull me into a kiss, but I gently pulled away, feeling sick.
“Not in the mood?” He smiled sadly, stroking my cheek. I shook my head quickly and he got up. “I’ll go get you some breakfast, okay? You sit tight.” I watched him go, then sat up and rummaged through my cupboards, pulling out an old photo album that was falling apart at the seams. I lifted it onto my knees, flicking through the pictures, all the pictures I’d taken of Gerard, and all the ones of both of us. I tugged out one of them, my absolute favorite. It was after he’d started to develop the psychosis, I could clearly see it in his face, but he was laughing, looking past the camera to me. His smile was carefree and something about the look on his face always made me feel loved. I tucked the photo away in the cheap novel lying next to my bed and shoved the album back where I’d dug it out from just before Mikey walked over, handing me a plate. “Pancakes and bacon, a big glass of water, and a coffee. My favorite hangover cure.” I smiled and thanked him quietly, carefully taking the plate. “You’re the best, Mikes, thank you.”

Gerard was laughing, grinning at me as I snapped the picture. “You're making me look like an idiot!”
He giggled, sticking his tongue out at me. I chuckled and set my camera down on the step by his front door.
“At least you're smiling,” he murmured as he walked over to me, sitting down next to me. He touched my hand lightly and I jerked away, covering the bruise on my arm with my other hand.
“You're nearly done with your sophomore year of high school, Gee. Doesn't that feel great?”
Gerard smiled, letting me change the subject as he wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “Yeah. How does finishing your freshman year feel?”
“Only one of four,” I muttered grimly.
“You'll be out before you know it,” Gerard sighed, rubbing my shoulder. “I promise. And whatever’s going on at home...you're always welcome here.”
“I don't want to talk-”
“You've made that perfectly clear, Frankie, it's okay. I just wish I could help.”
I turned my head to look at him and he smiled at me, resting his forehead on mine. “We’re in this together, Frankie. Forever.”

Mikey was gently shaking me. I scrambled out of bed, sobbing as I stumbled towards the bathroom. I heard Mikey running after me, but slammed the door in his face, falling to my knees in the middle of the floor. “F-fuck!”
I buried my face in my hands, rocking back and forth desperately as I cried, my whole body shaking. I had had that bruise on my arm for nearly three weeks.
I coughed, spitting blood onto the white tiles in front of me. “Fuuuck..”
“Frank Anthony Iero, open this fucking door right now or I'll call Gerard and he’ll kick it in!”
“Fuck off!” I screamed, the clenching pain in my chest almost overwhelming. I couldn't breathe through the heavy sobs, my head felt light.
I could hear Gerard singing, his voice soft and sweet, as it had always been. “I don't love you like I loved you yesterday.”
I sobbed again, my whole body shaking as more blood dripped from my mouth and off my bottom lip. “G-Gee..”

Gerard was singing to me, holding my hand tightly. The doctor was stitching the wound on my chest, and I couldn't look down, so I stared into Gerard's eyes instead. His hand cupped my cheek, his thumb running over my jaw over and over again. “You're okay, sweetie. I've got you. I wish you'd tell me, Frankie. You're only sixteen, you don't deserve this.”
I felt the hot tears course down my cheeks and tried to look away, but found I couldn't. I knew that if I broke eye contact now, I'd break down. Gerard was the only thing holding me together.

Notes