18th Floor Balcony (Frerard) (Reupload)

Frank was having a cigarette on the balcony. He looked out at the setting sun and felt the slight breeze of the impending autumn season coming. He blew the smoke out and watched it curl in the air. He thought about the last few months and how so much had changed. After Gerard’s surgery, things were a little rough. Georgia had warned both Frank and Mikey that Gerard might get depressed for a bit. A bit was an understatement, though. Gerard spent most of May and into June doing literally nothing. Finally Mikey read Gerard the riot act and Frank stopped trying to get him to do anything in order to show him how much he was hurting them.
By mid June, Gerard started to come around again. It was not instantaneous of course, but little by little Gerard started to change his behavior. He resigned and started talking to Georgia. It really did help him to get past what Marco did to him. Soon he was alright with being touched and held, even if he could not fully feel anything anymore, he knew it was there. By mid July, he had started joining Frank and Mikey on trips to their old watering hole. Gerard sat in the shallows and relaxed in the shaded sun with his body half-submerged and the feeding tube well clamped, and his arms equipped with floaties. Frank was so expert at it all by now, Gerard was never worried. He watched Frank and Mikey splash in the deeper waters like he and Frank used to. Frank felt bad, but the look on Gerard’s face hold him that it was not bothering him at all. If fact, the look on his face was...puzzling when he looked at him and Mikey.
Frank also found a program that allowed Gerard to continue his love of art. With an outlet now, Gerard was feeling in much better spirits. He has also turning out some amazing computer generated art. Frank loved that Gerard had gotten that part of him back. It truly made him happy.


“Frankie, you coming? Movie is about to start,”
Frank turned and saw Mkey in the doorway. He was leaning against it and smiling. The setting sun flooded Gerard’s room and it covered Mikey in hues of orange and reds. Frank smiled back as he put his cigarette out and dropped the butt into a can that was kept on the balcony for him.
“Yeah, Mikes. I’m coming,” Frank walked through the room to the door. Mikey held out his hand for him. Frank raised an eyebrow, but then said fuck it and took it as they made their way to the living room and Gerard.

_ _ _
It was October now, and Frank was really happy with Gerard’s progress. The machine he gave him had allowed him more freedom both in the hospital bed and the wheelchair. It was nice to see how excited being even a little independent would make him. Frank also noticed that Mikey was more relaxed now.
“Looks like that machine is working just well for Gee, even though he can’t really talk anymore...or eat, either,” Mikey frowned a bit, the sad image of Gerard hooked up to a tube through his stomach to feed him stuck in his head.
“Don’t look at what he can’t do,” Frank replied. “Look at what he can do, Mikes,”
“Good point,” he nodded. “At least he can do what he loves doing, despite his impediments,”
“Yes, and even if he can’t do it with his lips, his eyes smile,” Frank grinned. Mikey smiled back, taking Frank into a tight hug as he tried to hold back tears. Frank, of course, hugged him back.
“Thank you...for everything,” Mikey said.
“There is no need to thank me. I am just doing what is right by my friends,”
“I know, and I really appreciate it,”
Frank hears a sound and looks over at Gerard calling him.
“Duty calls,” Frank pats Mikey on the shoulder and then heads over to Gerard. “What’s up, Gee?”
“I’m cold,” the machine spoke, saying what Gerard couldn’t get out of his lips.
“I’ll get you a blanket then,” Frank left the room. Mikey walked up to his brother and touched his cheek.
“I’m really glad Frank got you this. I remember how upset you were at first because of the cost, but it has really been helpful, huh Gee?”
“Yes, it really helps. It’s a blessing,” Gerard replied, the computer reading the words he typed out with his eyes.
“You are the blessing in our lives, Gee,” Frank said, returning with the blanket and placing it around Gerard’s shoulders and covering his lap. “There, is that better?”
“Yes, thank you.You are a blessing in my life, too,” the computer spoke, mimicking his speech.
“You are still too sweet for your words, Gee,” Frank yawned and stretched. “I’m going to take a shower now,” Frank turned away and headed down the hall. Mikey turned to Gerard, smirking when Frank left into the bathroom.
“Hey Gee, Frankie’s birthday is at the end of the month. Do you know what you want to get him?”
“Hmmm…,” Gerard looked down, deep in thought. It wasn’t long before his eyes brightened up. “I’ve seen Frank eyeing that one Fender in the music store. He was going on about how much he would love to have it, since he plays. It looked a bit pricey, though,”
“I think we can afford it, Gee...especially for Frankie. He really deserves it. He has done so much for us in the last few months. Sometimes I think we will never be able to pay him back,”
“I know, Mikey. I don’t understand how we got so lucky,”
Mikey got a bit of a far off look on his face, like he was remembering something.
“Sometimes I think he is a bit of an angel...well, with tattoos. And smokes, drinks, and swears…,”
“He’s a blessing in disguise, Mikey,”
“Yeah,” Mikey smiled with a bit of a dopey grin.
“How about if we make a trip to that music store tomorrow and get Frank his gift?”
“Sure, and we can stop at the bakery and order him a cake, too,”
“That’d be wonderful, Mikes,”
“We have not been out together since the summer. This will be nice,”
“I’’m sure it will be…,” Gerard said nervously. It had been rare for him to step out into the public eye, especially when he started to get knee-deep in the worsening of his illness, so it still made him a little nervous doing so, despite going out more and more as of recently.
“What are you two talking about in here?” Frank walked out in his pajama pants and a towel around his neck.
“Oh...nothing, Frankie,” Gerard replied uneasily. Frank looked at the brothers. They both had a guilty face on. He smirked and moved closer.
“Oh...nothing, huh?” He circled around them.
“Why are you doing that?” Gerard asked, following Frank as he circled around Mikey.
“I’m investigating,” Frank noticed that Mikey wouldn’t look at him. “Mhmm, just as I thought…,”
“What?” Mikey asked. Frank got really close and whispered in Mikey’s ear.
“...you Ways are up to something,”
Frank backed up and did the “I’m watching you” line and finger movement from Monsters Inc. as he slowly backed out of the room. When he was gone, Mikey let out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding.
“He is scary when he wants to know something. How the hell did you keep anything from him in high school, Gee?”
“Trust me, it was hard...very hard…,”
Mikey closed his eyes because Gerard used a good description word right now.
“Yeah, I believe it,” he said. The clock rang at that moment, and on cue, Gerard yawned. “I think it’s time for bed, Gee,”
“Yeah, I’m tired. You just read my mind, Mikes,”
Mikey followed Gerard to his room. He helped him into bed and tucked him in. He headed down the hall to his own room. As he passed Frank’s, the door was open and Frank did the finger motion of “watching you” again. Mikey shivered and then went in his room, closing the door behind him.

_ _ _
“I feel so bad, Gee,” Mikey frowned, sitting there with his favorite pizza, refusing to eat it. It tasted like cardboard because his brother couldn’t enjoy it with him. “You love pizza, and this was always our favorite place to go…,”
“Don’t feel bad because of me. I don’t wanna be a burden on the two of you. Go ahead, enjoy yourself!” Gerard insisted. Mikey still looked down at the pizza.
“Maybe we could box it up and I can eat it later with Frank?”
“Mikey, there’s no shame to feel eating in front of me. I ain’t jealous. It is what it is,”
Mikey sighed and picked up the pizza. He took a small bite. He had to admit, it tasted really good.
“You know you like it, Mikey...you know you do,” Gerard teased.“Yeah, I do,” Mikey smiled back.
“See? Don’t feel bad about me. You and Frank shouldn’t worry about me so much,”
“We love you, Gee...so it’s kind of hard not to,”
Gerard blushed a bit, feeling warmth in his heart, as well as butterflies flutter in his stomach. They both really loved him...and he used to take all that for granted. It made him feel terrible because of it. He had to say something.
“Mikey...I’m so sorry about how I used to be. I know I was in a really dark place in my life, but that was no excuse for me to be such a shithead to you guys. I’ve got it made compared to some others. I’m so thankful for all you and Frank have done for me. I wish there was a way I could show it,”
“You’re doing fine, Gee,” Mikey touched Gerard’s arm. “You go out with us more now and you are making art again, plus you’re going to therapy. I could not ask much more of you, neither of us could,”
“You sure about that?”
“Yeah, I am,” Mikey said. He quickly finished the pizza. He was really hungry, much more than he thought.
“How about we go and get Frank’s gift now?” Gerard asked.
“Sounds good to me,”
After Mikey paid his bill, they set off and took a bus to the local music store, where they found soon-to-be Frank’s new Fender on display in one of the windows. It looked glorious, to say the least. They went inside and pointed it out to the man that worked behind the counter, who took it down and rang it up at the register.
“So...you want it delivered...on Halloween?” he asked after hearing Gerard and Mikey’s request of delivery date.
“Yes please,” Mikey said.
“Are you guys having a party or something?” the guy scratched his head in wonder.
“No, it’s for someone’s birthday,” Gerard said.
“Oh, it’s a gift! Well then, we can wrap it for you guys,”
“That would be great!” Mikey smiled.
“He’s gonna love this. It’ll knock his socks off!”
“Yep,” Mikey noddded. He was really excited to see Frank’s face. An alarm went off on his phone. “Oh shit, Gee. We gotta get you home to take your pills,”
“Oh, right!” Gerard’s eyes widened a bit. He couldn’t miss his medication. Doing so would be fatal. They all finalized everything with the shop and then left for home.

_ _ _
“Happy birthday, Frankie!”
Frank smiled as he sat at the table. The cake was perfect and just the right size for the four of them. He was really surprised that they invited his Nonna too. Rosalie made an Italian feast for them all, and Frank felt bad that Gerard couldn’t enjoy it like they could, but a quick smile and dismissal wave by him told Frank to stop worrying. After dinner, they had cake, and then it was present opening time. Nonna had made Frank several pairs of new scrubs in this awesome fabric with little cute skulls on it. This was when Frank got his best scrubs. She also, shockingly, gave him a gift certificate for his favorite tattoo shop.
“I may not like those things, bambino...but you tell the story of your life with them, so who am I to judge?” she said.
“Grazie, Nonna,” Frank smiled at her. He had been itching for a new tattoo his life of late too.
“Okay, Frankie...our present now,” Mikey stood up. “Gee and I will go get it,”
“You’re gonna love it, Frankie!” Gerard shook in his seat a bit, barely able to wait to see the look on Frank’s face when he’s soon to open up his new Fender. Frank watched as Gerard wheeled out with Mikey and then returned with a large and long wrapped box on his lap.
“What the fu...uh…,” Frank looked at his Nonna and mouthed sorry.
“It’s okay, bambino. I won’t slap you on your birthday,”
“Open it, Frankie!” Gerard demanded.
Frank reached over and pulled the box into his lap. It was heavy on one side. He looked at Gerard and Mikey as he gasped.
“You didn’t…,”
“We did!” Gerard smiled.
Frank tore at the paper and gasped at the cardboard box and it’s writing underneath. He couldn’t believe it was finally in his hands, just for him. He knew just what it was.
“Holy fuck you guys!”
He ripped the box open and then pulled the bubble-wrapped item out. Frank dropped to his knees as he gently laid the gift on the floor. He could see the shine from the white body through the plastic covering. He carefully opened it up and then, in front of him and gleaming in the evening light, was the Fender guitar he had been admiring for years. Frank was at a loss for words.“Well? What’s the verdict?” Gerard asked.
“The verdict is that you guys suck so much and I hate you both,” Frank replied jokingly. Tears were streaming down his face. He touched the body of his prized possession lightly. “I can’t believe you went and did this. I mean...how...why…,”
“Because you deserve it, Frankie,”
Frank got up and hugged Gerard, first being careful of the wires, tubes, and his computer. He kisses his cheek, making him blush a bit.
“Thank you, Gee,” Frank whispered to him. He then moved and pulled Mikey into a bone-crushing hug that lifted him off the ground.
“Frank, you’re crushing me!” Mikey grunted, Gerard beside him laughing a little under his unmoveable lips. Frank turned to kiss Mikey on the cheek, but Mikey turned at the last minute and got his lips instead, time around them seeming to be put on pause. Gerard gasped. Did they really just do what he thought they just did? Yes, they did...they fucking kissed! Gerard felt something inside of him when he saw his brother’s lips collide with his beloved caregiver, something he’s felt before...it was jealousy. They look so happy together. After all, Gerard was sure Frank would undoubtedly choose to be with someone able-bodied, rather than someone unable to take care of himself. Gerard frowned inside, wishing he could be so worthy and in Mikey’s place. His whole world around him was crashing down in front of him, along with his high hopes and dreams.
“Oh god...I’m sorry!” Frank let go of Mikey so fast that he dropped him. “Shit, sorry...I...I’ll be…,”
Frank ran out of the kitchen. Mikey looked up from the floor, the event that just took place barely sinking into his head.
“What just happened?” he asked. Gerard sighed, staying silent. He shook his head, his eyes full of envious discontent.
“I think my grandson is having a panic attack,” Rosalie said worriedly. Mikey gasped, running right to Frank’s aid. Gerard, being unable to do the same, sat still as the love he could never have fell apart. A single tear ran down his eye as he turned away and retired to his room, wishing he could slam the door and never come out.
“Frank, look at me,” Mikey held on to Frank, both his hands on the shaking boy’s shoulders. Frank was shaking so hard that he thought he was going to bring the wall down.
“I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I…,” he stuttered.
“Frank, listen to me!” Mikey raised his voice a bit, his grip firm. “You’re okay, just breathe!”
“Ch-ch-ch-che-e-e-ated-d-d-d-d…,”
“Frank, please! Stop it! Calm down...please! Frank, stop it!” Mikey screamed, feeling himself starting to panic as much as Frank. Giving in, he pulled Frank into an embrace, holding him tightly as his body shook.
“He hates me! He fucking hates me!” Frank blurted out, and then passed out in Mikey’s arms.
“No he doesn’t, Frank! What makes you…,”
Mikey was at a loss. He couldn’t ask Gerard for help because...Mikey shook his head of that thought. Maybe he couldn’t help Frank physically, but he might know what Frank was babbling about. Mikey carefully put Frank in his bed and closed the door. He went back to the kitchen to find his brother.
“Where’s Gerard?”
Rosalie looked at Mikey and pointed down the hall. Mikey went to Gerard’s room, knocking on the door that was already open. He wanted to still show common courtesy, despite all that had just taken place. He walked in quietly.
“Gee? Can you…,”
Mikey saw that Gerard was on the balcony. He was looking out into the October night sky. Mikey could hear kids running around house to house and laughing down below, trick-or-treating in their colorful costumes. Mikey walked over and put a hand on Gerard’s shoulder.
“Gerard?”
“Frank…,” the machine said as tears ran down Gerard’s face.
“No, Gee. It’s Mikey. I can get you...well, no I can’t, because he passed out. But...I mean, I can try to help you. Pretty sure I can work the hoyer lift okay to get you in bed,”
“Just leave me alone, Mikey,”
“Why, Gee? What’s wrong? I don’t understand! You and Frank are both freaking me out!”
“I said leave me alone! I don’t wanna talk!” Gerard visibly shook in his seat as his breathing grew heavier with rage.
“Fine! I’m gone then! You don’t wanna talk, and Frank is making no sense! Some fucking birthday this is!” Mikey growled. He stormed across the room and out the door, slamming it.
The last thing Gerard wanted to do was talk to anyone, especially Mikey. Why did he get so lucky? Why does he get to be with Frank while Gerard sits there and suffers? Why does Gerard get taken advantage of and raped, while Mikey gets to live a normal and healthy life? It just wasn’t fair. Why him? What did he do to deserve all this? Why can’t the disease just kill him off now? It’s not like no one would care, anyway. At least he’d be dead and gone, so no one would have to put up and deal with his useless and suffering self. Gerard told himself all of this as he broke down, his sobs blocking out the sounds of the laughing and running children down below. He hadn’t cried this hard since that day he learned he was ruined by the hands of Marco, and he hoped that this day would be the last day he’d cry. Maybe he would get lucky and die tonight.

Notes