All of the Stars

I watched him sleep for the while that he was away in it. He stirred a lot when he slept, he even talked a few times. There was even a point where he sounded like he was crying. But I never let go of him, I couldn't even if I wanted to. It seemed like he was glued to my side, his fists clinging to the cotton of my shirt while his head buried itself into my chest. Frank woke eventually and budged himself away from where he lay on his back again, respiring deeply as he mindlessly stroked Sweet Pea who decided to curl up on his chest.

I didn’t bother him. It seemed as though he didn’t want me around at the moment, which was completely understandable. This poor man was hopelessly in love with a teenager who was going to be ripped away from his grasps within two days time. God, it was so fucking pitiful. And sad. One would even say tragic, maybe. I did feel bad for him. I couldn’t help but feel like I completely caused his self-doubt. I ran scenarios through my head a million times over. If I never pursued anything with him, maybe if I just left after he told me he had feelings for me and acted like it never happened. Perhaps we wouldn’t be in this mess where I somehow ended up miles away from my family and home while a search party was out for blood on us. This could have all been avoided. Even if we had just been more careful, we could still be in Jersey. I could’ve been in a vocal lesson, getting ready to sing the national fucking anthem for my ass-fuck school.

I rotated my body onto my side to face Frank. Sweet Pea was now falling asleep on his chest, his eyes were still emptily fixed on the white ceiling above the bed. I only stared at him. What was I supposed to say? Or do? It was seriously evident that he caught wind of my situation, he knew perfectly well that I wouldn’t know how to handle a moodswing like the one he was throwing into my hands. I mentally slapped myself. It was insensitive to call how he felt a moodswing, anyone normal person would definitely be upset if they were thrown into something like this.

My eyes flickered across the unlively complexion of his snowlike face, “Frank?”
I watched him still, he sighed and blinked his eyes slowly a few times as his fingers still scratched at the dog’s grey neck, “Yes, sweetheart.”

I exhaled in relief, thankful that he wasn’t actually ignoring me. I scooted closer to him so my face was nuzzled into his shoulder. I choked on my words for some seconds because to be bluntly honest, I couldn’t figure out how to talk to him right then. Even though he hadn’t really done anything, it still felt like he was being difficult. Conceivably, I might have just been uptight and over anxious about what was going on inside of Frank’s head. I decided to shut my thoughts out and outstretched my hand to his tattooed one that was lazily placed on the back of Sweet Pea’s head and twined our fingers together. I bit my lip harshly before mustering up my words, “Just...are you alright? That’s like, a really dumb question but I get worried, ya know? I don’t want to have to worry about you because I don’t want you to be upset in the first place.”

“I’m not upset.” He replied blandly, “I feel numb, Gerard.”

My heart dropped into my stomach like a two hundred pound stone. “Oh.”

He shook his head then squeezed my hand tightly, “Please don’t worry about me. I’m fine.”

“I don’t think you really are fine, Frankie.” I replied.

“I like when you call me that.”

“Don’t avoid what I’m trying to say.”

“I really don’t want this to be any more depressing than it already is. We left Jersey to be happy and...this is anything but happy. I’m sad, Gee. Because this is the beginning of the end. We’re gonna go back, we have to. And we’ll be separated.” He spoke that as if he had no emotion. That scared me.

“Can we just not think about it then? Or talk about it?” I asked sheepishly, leaning up to kiss the scorpion on his neck,

“We can try.” He barely said above a whisper.

I nodded. “Tell me a story.” I asserted lightly.

He scrunched his nose, “About what?”

I pondered, “You’ve been in love before.”

“Um, yes?”

“Tell me about one of those times.” I whispered.

I felt him let go of my hand where he then proceeded to carefully lift Sweet Pea off his chest and place her down on the floor in which she decided to scurry to God know’s where, he afterwards laid back down to wrap his arms around me, bringing me as close as I could possibly be to him. “His name was Zacky.” He started slowly, “ We were married.”

That didn’t phase me. I had expected it. I read somewhere that divorced people are usually the most tired and emotionally vulnerable to love, which Frank was. I’d noticed that from day one. I cleared my throat and blinked my eyes harshly, “What..what happened?”

“He uh, had lung cancer.” Frank said almost too nonchalantly.

“I’m so sorry, Frankie.” I told him quietly and he tightened his grip around me.

He chuckled bitterly. “Ironic kinda, huh? You’d think I’d despise cigarettes for that sole reason, but after he passed, they attracted me even more for some dumbass reason. To the point where my lungs are just a few cigarettes away from being just as fucked as his were.”

“Do you still love him?” I mentioned, not really expecting an answer. I felt Frank tense and he went silent for what felt like forever.

“No.” He finally said, “It was three years ago, I’m better about it now. There was a time where I couldn’t even hear his name or I’d be fucked up for weeks. I’d drown myself in weed and bottle of Jack Daniels, some nights. But, I’m able to openly talk about it now, which is kinda cool I guess. He’d like you, honestly. You two are almost exactly alike. Not looks wise, but the way you act. Similar interests.”

I nodded against his chest, “How did you meet him?”

A tiny smile stretched itself across Frank’s face, “He was a cashier at this fucking Walmart that I always went to. He helped me find a movie I was looking for in their sale box and when he bagged it up for me, he slipped his Goddamn phone number in on the receipt.”

I felt myself smiling along with him, watching his face light up when he thought back to that time made me sad but so content filled at the same time. I couldn’t imagine the pain he felt when Zacky passed away, there must’ve been such a hole in heart for the longest time. I couldn’t wrap my mind around losing someone that important to you. I couldn’t wrap my mind around losing someone as important as Frank.

“I have you now.” He sighed happily and pulled me over top of him so our faces were just centimeters away, “Zacky would be happy for me, that I found someone as remarkable as you, honey. And finally stopped being depressed over him. You’re my light.”

I grinned at him but that was soon cut off when he crashed his lips onto to mine. I was taken aback by the kiss. I stumbled my lips a little, almost jolting away until I felt his strong arms keep me gently in place. I kiss him back, place my hands on the bed beside both sides of his head. We pressed into each other more, moving our lips quickly and tenderly until our mouths opened against one another’s and our tongues joined together. This kiss wasn’t like any of the others we had. There was a desperation in it; a solid urgency and mind-numbing want, but at the same time it was so filled with emotion and passion that was so serene and pure.

I almost felt as delicate as a flower when he flipped us over and laid me down only slightly roughly, never disconnecting our lips. He pressed himself against me again, rocking his body along mine, trying to get closer and closer. A million butterflies swelled up in my stomach along with a warmth inside me that was beyond the shallowness of my soul. His lips left mine, but I still felt them. He stared down at me, our noses brushing. “Perfect, you’re just so fucking perfect.” He mumbled and kissed me again. It was opened-mouthed, deep, warming. It was intense, so intense that when his hand slipped up my shirt I was more than a little shocked, but I didn’t stop him. His hand ran all over my upper body, across my tummy, to my chest and my collarbones until he was tugging at the hem of the cloth and daring to slip it over my shoulders.
I made a slight noise against Frank’s mouth, giving him a go ahead. He pulled away from me for a only a millisecond to tug my shirt over my head, leaving my upper body completely exposed and me a little self concious. I wasn’t the skinniest person, anyone could agree with that, so being completely topless in front of someone that I was constantly trying to impress was more than a tiny bit scary. He stared down at me for a moment, his eyes going wide and his eyebrows raising. “You’re truly beautiful.” He told me in such a hushed and genuine tone that I could feel my heartbeat ten times faster. He leaned down again, but instead of kissing me, he attached his soft lips to my neck where he kissed every inch of it. Up and down my jaw, across my adam’s apple, to the base between my collarbone where he began to nibble and suck. I’m sure there were a series of embarrassing noises erupting from my throat as he kept biting everywhere, since I knew he was marking every place he could manage.

I lifted my hands to his tattooed lovehandles that were protruding from his shirt that was slowly riding up as he leaned over my writhing body. My fingers slowly curled around the bottom of his shirt, gently pulling it off of him leaving us both shirtless. He stopped for a minute, noticing how my eyes wandered around the ink displayed across his olive skin, there was so much for me to take in. My fingertips traced over the birds that was imprinted across his hips, set on either side of the start of his happy trail.

“Frankie,” I breathed, my fingers still cascading over his chest that was covered in art.
“What do you want me to do, sweetheart? Anything you want it’s yours.” Frank whispered against my ear, I placed my hands on his cheeks and brought him to look me in the eyes. I looked at him with such need, scared to tell him what I actually wanted. I bit my bottom lip and stroked his cheek with my thumb, trying to keep myself from stuttering when I started to speak.
I kissed him passionately, tenderly, letting his face hover just above mine as I whispered, voice shaky, “Take everything I have, please.”

He pursed his lips and pushed my hair out of my eyes with a trembling hand, “I...are you...really?”

I nodded forcefully.

“I don’t have anything...to..ya know. I just...that’s a big decision, Gee. That’s a special thing-”
“A special thing that I’m giving to you, okay?”

“I..I don’t have condoms or-”

“You’re clean, correct?”

He nodded, his hazel eyes glazed over and blown with lust.

“So am I.” I replied, “Take a risk, Frank. That’s all we’ve been doing since we’ve met, why stop now?”

He exhaled deeply, only to reconnect his lips to my chest we kissed about every centimeter of it. Before I could comprehend what was happening, his lips were just above the top of my jeans and his hands were tearing my jeans right off my legs.

“Fuck,” He groaned, running his hands over my bare thighs, “Fucking look at you. Look at your Goddamn gorgeous stomach and you’re adorable fucking thighs. God, you’re a miracle, you really are, Gerard Way.”

Soon enough, there was a tightness in both our boxers and we were both stripped of our clothing. We clung to each other, not leaving an inch untouched. There were the awkward moments that were mustered because of me due to me being the biggest virgin to ever walk the face of the earth. But he helped me, cooeing me and taking me under his damn wing where he made me feel special, appreciated, beautiful.

“Baby, are you sure?” He asked me a million times over.

“Positive.” I answered.

And I was positive. He’d just about given all of himself to me, so it was my decision to return the favor. It was so endearing and remarkably passionate. I was letting him see me at my most vulnerable state, where he could take everything from me and give it back all at the same time. I didn’t give a shit if it was illegal at that point, I trusted this person more than I had ever trusted anybody, and to say I was in love with him, that wasn’t wrong. Because Hell, this wouldn’t be a cliche love story if I said anything otherwise. Then the time came where it was all taken from me, where I sucked on his fingers and the first bit of complete virgin filled pain set itself in my body. But he got me through it, shushing me and telling me it was all perfectly okay as his slim digits moved in and out of me, slowly and surely. I don’t think his lips ever left mine unless he was whispering sweet-nothings to keep me calm.

I smiled at him and kept kissing me, again and again and he barely stopped kissing me the entire time.

I wasn’t going to lie, it did hurt like a fucking bitch, but Frank made it so much better than it could have been. He went slow. He was careful. He didn’t rush anything. He never got carried away even though I could tell by his kisses that he wanted to. After awhile of slow and steady, the pain in my lower half began to subside and, while it was still there, I got used to it. I was too lost in the way he touched me and how he moaned, or how the bed rocked under us to even notice. He sped up ever so slightly and that was when everything good in the world came back and flashed before my eyes, where the pleasure became almost unbearable. It just kept building and building with every minute he was in me.

For a little while, after it was all done and over, we lay there, barely speaking with the bed sheets pulled up to our waists. He held me as I lay on him, my head on his chest, feeling it go up and down with every breath he took. I wanted to stay there forever. Just with him. Nobody else to bother us. Nobody to search for us or judge us. Just him and I. Forever.

“You’re the stars in my sky.” Frank was the first to speak.

I simpered. “You’re nicotine in my fucking cigarette.” I propped myself up on my elbow and looked down at his smiling face, his sweat ridden hair stuck to his forehead, I just, I loved him and his dumb face so much.

Loved.

I couldn’t. Not yet. Not that soon.

My thoughts were jumbled. They were telling me to get over the fact that I loved him and I needed to stop denying it. I ran away with this person after all, he compared me to the stars. He compared me to everything he’s ever thought of beautifully and everything he’s ever loved. But it was so fucking dangerous. I was naive. I didn’t really even know what love was. Yet, I loved him. We’d taken everything from each other, there was nothing more that we could do.

“What are you thinking about, lovely?” Frank asked me tenderly.

“I don’t know. Everything. An unspoken thing.” I sighed.

“An unspoken thing.” He mumbled to himself. I nodded,

“I have an unspoken feeling towards you.” I told him, “I’m too scared to say it.”

He looked at me, sternly somehow only nodding and giving me a knowing look. That fucker knew exactly what I wanted to tell him. “Gerard.”

“Yeah.”

“I love you too.”

Notes

we only have about two chapters and an epilogue left and i am cryin cause the ending is not happy sorry. but theyre extra long chapters that are like 4000 words so thats a plus??? and sweet pea stays relevant bc shes a king
anyway im sorry i havent been responding to comments bc usually i just post then dont look at the website until i post again cause im a busy gal but like, i rlly do appreciate all of your comments theyre like the highlight of my day cause ily all
take care of yourselves and give me comments cause im greedy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx