I Hate You, I Love You

{feeling used but i’m still missing you}

He was sitting on the side of the bed, his bare back towards me. It was quickly covered with his black shirt hugging his body. I wanted to reach out and touch him, but we weren’t romantically involved. Just sexually. I craved his touch, his breath on my neck, everything about him. I sat up and started to get dressed myself.

It was getting close to two in the morning and I had to get home anyways. It wasn't until I was fully dressed did he turn around and face me, as if on queue, but there was no words exchanged between us. I was starting to feel knots in my stomach; regret. I was so weak to him, every time he called or texted I was right over, for a quick lay. Something that either lasted five minutes or an hour, depending on the last time he got laid.

I almost didn't care when I didn't get off, because he had called me, no one else, to help him. But that didn't stop me from feeling used every time. I felt like I belonged in the trashcan with the used condom. He walked towards me, and I was half hoping he was going to kiss me, but he gave me a small smile and walked past me to the door.

{and i cant see the end of this, just want to feel your kiss, against my lips.}

I followed him down the hallway to the front door. We walked past his brother’s room along the way, and I could hear music playing on his stereo, but knew that he was asleep, he always fell asleep with music on. It wasn't like I was a stranger here, these were my best friends, I was at their house almost everyday. I had known them since we were all kids.

We reached the door, and he paused before turning around, and he stared in my eyes. I wanted him to say something first, make the first move, say ‘fuck it’, and finally ask me out. But that wasn't the case. He kissed my cheek and unlocked the door. “Goodnight Cory, thanks for.. Well, yeah,” he blushed and looked down.

“Yeah, goodnight Gerard,” I said with a half smile and walked out the door. Gerard shut if behind me and I walked over to my car that was crooked in the driveway. It was raining, so by the time I got there, I was a little soaked. I got in and turned on the heater as I looked up at the house. Tears started to stream down my face. Every time, the same awkwardness. I just wanted to be with him, I had for so long.

There was just no changing his mind, we had talked about it before. Well, it was more him telling me the “rules” of what was going on. It was basically friends with benefits, but it was on his time. Which was usually 12-3 in the morning. He didn't want anyone knowing, so I came over when the guys were asleep. Gerard can’t drive, or he would ideally come over to my house. I always hoped that our relationship could become more if he was at my place. There would be less scared of someone finding out, maybe we would walk around, half naked, and he would just realize that this is what he wanted. But, that was never the case.

By the time I got home, my eyes had dried and so had the skies. I got up to my apartment and kicked my shoes off and shed my jacket. I checked my phone and saw that I had a text from Gerard.

“So I’m thinking that maybe you shouldnt come over tomorrow. I need some time to process and prioritize things that are going on in my life. My work, art, and music to name a few. I hope you understand.”

I dropped my phone on the couch and ran to my bedroom to cry. My best friend didn't want me in his life anymore, it was finally happening.

I couldnt sleep, just kept reading Gerard’s text over and over. I didn't text him back, what was I supposed to say? It wasn't something that was open for discussion, he clearly made this decision on his own, and if I knew him at all, he had been thinking about this for a while. He knew this while he was fucking me tonight.

{and now all this time is passing by, but i cant seem to tell you why it hurts me every time i see you}


Six months. Gerard made it clear, to me only, that I wasn't allowed at their house. We came to an agreement that I could come over if he wasn't there, or if he said it was okay. I was basically losing my best friend and I had no idea why. I didn't know what changed. Mikey, Frank, and Ray, our best friends, started just coming over to my place if they wanted to see me.

When I did see Gerard, he didn't talk to me, he wasn't cold or mean about it, he just didn't want to talk to me. He didn't seem interested in our conversations, especially if I was involved. I felt like I did something wrong, even though I was submissive. I basically let him have his way with me, and Gerard was throwing me out like day old food.

I eventually just threw myself into my work, asking for and receiving extra hours. I was working almost 12 hour shifts and working five to six days a week. Sometimes seven if they needed me. I stopped seeing my friends, I stopped seeing Gerard. Sometimes we would see each other at the coffee shop, but we didn't talk, he just gave me a small smile and walked away. It was those days that I missed him the most, because I missed him the most those days. It hurt me every time he popped into my life. I wondered if he missed me. It didn't feel like he did, I was the only one that missed our friendship.

I just wanted things to go back to normal, I regretted sleeping with him the first time. That day, over a year ago, I was hoping that it was going to turn into more. It was what I wanted for a few years prior. We were both drunk and alone in my apartment. He started to touch me more, and for longer periods of time, rubbing me every now and then. That turned into neck kisses which turned into groping and then clothes being ripped off. I wanted to either go back in time, and change things, or somehow tell myself to never sleep with him. Even though that was what 21 year old me wanted, and had wanted since freshman year of highschool. Friends with benefits never worked, I was realizing that now, and realized that doing it with your bestfriend was the worst thing.

They always say that dating your best friend is ideal, but not when the best friend doesnt feel the same way.

{realize how much i need you.}

Notes

Thanks for reading!