Finding Frank

His smile was the best thing about him. That and his personality, though it was easier to see his smile. You could see it to its full potential when we were watching slasher movies and I cowered away because something was too brutal. Or whenever we'd listen to entire records together, sitting on my bedroom floor. Or even when we'd sit on the roof of our shared duplex all night practically, smoking his mother's supply of cigarettes and pointing out different constellations alongside the stars. The running theme here is that Frank had a great smile that I adored very much. Unfortunately I haven't seen it in years. Almost twelve to be exact.

When the Iero family moved in next to me, I was only four and so was Frank. Mikey was still only just a baby so I couldn't play with him like I wanted. Frank, on the other hand, would be a pirate with me, he would play tag with me and tackle me to the ground when he caught me. It was lovely to have someone to keep me busy while I was growing up, someone who understood me at all points of my life. We both grew up at the same pace and always got each other. He was always there for me and vice versa. I never felt judged as long as Frank was around. I remember one time feeling terrified that I would be looked down upon but Frank didn't care. That was when I was coming out to him back when I was 13. Frank being the first person I came out to, I had no clue what to expect. I was expecting it to go horribly but it didn't.

I paced back in forth in my room as Frank sat on my bed, watching me closely with furrowed brows and his head cocked to the side. I sighed heavily and stopped in the middle of my room, turning to face Frank. I felt like I was going to throw up. I knew Frank wouldn't ever judge me for anything so small, but I was still terrified, I had never actually said these words before. I took in another long and deep breath, letting it out slowly and looking down at Frank.

"I- I'm... I'm gay," I blurted out, watching Frank's reaction.

He sat up, correcting his posture was he looked over me, shrugging his shoulders and raising one eyebrow. He looked like he was searching for more, but I didn't have any more to give him, that was it, that was what I needed to tell him.

"Is that it?" He asked and laughed softly.

Frank rolled his eyes and laughed softly, heaving himself up and off the bed, moving over to hug me tightly. I laughed nervously and smiled, hugging Frank back just as tight, pressing my face into the crook of his neck, breathing against his warm skin. He rubbed my back gently, getting my anxiety to slowly fade away as he did so.

"You made such a big deal of it, I thought you were going to confess to murder, or something," Frank joked, pulling back and holding me by the shoulders to get a better look at me. "I think I'm gay too," He announced shortly after with a shrug.

I laughed and nodded at him, sighing happily. I was still shaking from all the nerves but I wasn't scared anymore, I felt happy and at peace knowing that Frank accepted me. I was overjoyed that we could be open and honest with each other, even about something along the lines of something as confidential as sexuality. I just kept close to Frank, leaning forward again to hug him tightly.

After that night, my feelings towards Frank changed. Not in a bad way, of course, but I felt different towards him. It took me a year or so to realize that I had a crush on him. At first I was terrified, not knowing how I could be crushing on my best friend. One night I decided to admit it to him. We had a very similar chat to that night when I came out, talking it through and in the end, Frank admitted that he liked me back. After that, we unknowingly had one more year with each other until Frank would move away. We called ourselves a couple, and we really enjoyed the title. The two of us thought we were going to be together forever, as it felt like we were meant for each other, all until Frank moved away.

I could very clearly remember when my world came crashing down on me. It was June 5th, 2005 when Frank and I were sitting on the roof during one peaceful summer night. I leaned into him, resting my head on his shoulder as we were looking over the sky. Something was wrong, I could sense it. Frank's mood was tense, he wasn't being carefree like he always was before. That night he kept to himself, responding with quick, monotone, one word answers. We had been sitting in silence for about five minutes when it grew to be too much for me to bear.

"What's up?" I finally asked, sitting up and staring down at Frank's body as he laid on the roof. "Why are you acting so weird tonight?"

Frank sighed and stared up at me, slowly heaving himself up and sitting upright as well, biting at his lip. I scooted back towards him so my body was pressing up against his, wrapping an arm around his shoulders for comfort.

"My parents... They've been fighting a lot lately." Frank stated and glanced down, his breathing deep.

Of course I knew that, his parents never really liked each other for as long as I could remember though when I just rolled my eyes at that, Frank stopped.

"No, they've finally decided a divorce would be best," Frank added and looked up at me.

I frowned and rubbed his back to comfort him, shaking my head. I promised him that it would be okay, that the divorce would be for the better, and he'd still get to see both of his parents. He simply smiled at me and nodded, pressing a soft kiss to my cheek, saying a small, "Thank you."

Within a month or so, Frank Senior moved out of the duplex and to a small apartment in Albany, New York. Afterwards, Linda announced that she couldn't afford to pay rent for their duplex anymore so she made the decision to move Frank to the other side of the country to Seattle, Washington. When Frank told me the news, I felt my entire body go numb. I suggested to my parents that Frank move in with us, though they weren't budging on letting that happen. Frank promised me that we'd keep in touch, though we were only fifteen and it was only 2005, I wasn't sure how we'd manage that. Neither of us had our own computers or cell phones or anything of the sorts, though Linda promised she'd shoot my parents an email of their new phone number when they got settled down. It was September when they moved away. Through the last four months of 2005, I was waiting for that email, wondering how long it could take for someone to move in and be settled. I would pester my parents on a daily basis, asking if they'd gotten an email yet. My mom or dad would just frown and shake his or her head, patting my back and saying it might come within the next week or so. Twelve years later and I still haven't gotten that email. Even now, my heart still ached for him.

Recently I've been feeling super nostalgic. Maybe it's because of the fact that I'm getting old, though my parents tell me twenty-seven is not old, and I really just want to hold onto my childhood but I've been missing Frank more than usual lately. It should be easy to get a hold of someone you've lost nearly a decade ago in this day and age, but I wasn't someone who had any kind of social media. I liked to separate myself from the world. That needed to change though, and it was going to. Maybe separating myself and pushing everything else away wasn't such a great idea if I wanted to find Frank.

Notes