Franks p.o.v

My fingers trembled as I buttoned my dress shirt up, but I tried to ignore the anxiety that coursed throughout my entire body. I looked at myself in the mirror, feeling disappointed that I was already teary eyed. I paused a minute, trying to steady myself. I felt like I was gonna vomit.
I continued getting ready, putting on a coat and dress shoes, and finally walking out of Gerards room. He sat at the kitchen table, speaking quietly to Mikey until he noticed I was standing there.
Both him and Mikey got up silently, following as I made my way out of the door. I grabbed my keys, unlocking my car and getting into the driver's seat. Gerard got into the passenger's seat, and Mikey in the back.
I out the key into the ignition, but did not turn it. I couldn't. I didn't know why, but I physically couldn't make myself.
“Frank?” Gerard asked quietly, looking concernedly at me.
“I can't.” I whisper, shaking my head.
“Why?” Gerard asked gently, putting hi hand on my arm.
“I don't know.” I respond, still whispering.
“Do you want me to?” He asked, his voice soft and understanding. I nod, feeling the lump in throat grow.
I get out of the car, quickly walking around to the passengers side, briefly passing Gerard. I get in, trying to calm myself.
“I love you.” I spoke, my voice shaking. He looks over at me, smiling gently.
“I love you too, my beautiful, brave boy.” He responds, taking my hand in his as he begins driving. I smile weakly, before turning my attention out the window. I keep my eyes on the sky, trying so hard not to cry. Why was I so damn weak? I felt so small, so useless. I wish some one could tell me how to feel, what to say, just to fucking get through this.
About ten minutes later we arrive at the church. I looked dreadfully at the building, my heart beating ten times faster then normal. I force myself to get out, trying to look as stony as possible.
I start to walk, not checking to see if Mikey and Gee are behind me. I reach the big, white doors of the church, taking a deep breath before pushing them open.
They were all staring, every single one of them, waiting for something, as if I was gonna lose it.
There were at least fifty people there, some of them family, some friends, and some were my father's work partners.
I made my way through all of them, going to greet my mother in the first row, feet away from the casket. Sounds of quiet conversation filled the room, and it annoyed me. I wanted them all to be quiet.
I greeted my mother with a hug, nothing more, nothing less. We sat down after that, a mutual understanding that we didn't want to talk. I knew Gerard and Mikey were nearby, probably talking to Kendall or something.
Eventually, a priest called the room to a solemn silence, and everyone began to sit. Gerard, Mikey, and Lyric came to sit down with me and mom, but everyone else steered clear of us.
The priest began talking, but I couldn't make out a lot of the words. My common sense, my knowledge was vacant right then, until the words “loving father,” were cast out.
Everything seemed to snap back into reality right then, and it was all clear.
My father was a coward.
He wasn't loving.
He left us.
“....And may our beloved rest in peace.” The priest finished. Next was his best friend, Kenneth. He was an alcoholic, abusive prick, who I’d hated since I was young. He treated his wife very badly, even smacked her around a couple times, until she finally left his ass.
That poor fucking woman.
“Frank was….He was my best friend. He was such a great guy, and I loved him dearly.”
Lies. You didn't give a fuck about him.
“He’ll be missed dearly. Everything will be so different without him, and I can't image how hard this is for his kids.”
Shut up, shut up, shut up. You don't know anything.
“I will always keep him in my memory…”
Lying motherfucker. You’ll forget all about him but next month, just watch you fuck.
I stopped listening then, because if I didn't, I would have punched something or just left all together. Finally, he stopped talking after that. Now it was my turn.
All eyes were on me as I walked up to the podem. I stood there dumbly a minute, looking out at everyone, absolutely speechless.
Then it all came rushing back. His damn memories. Him yelling, getting high, lying, fighting, fukcing, screaming, crying, laughing, smoking.
And I snapped.
I fucking snapped.
And it case you didn't catch that,I snapped.
“None of you knew him. At all. I can safely say that, Because I, his first born son, didn't even know him. I knew he was a druggie and an alcoholic, and a liar, but I didn't know him. And I don't ever want to. Even the thought of him makes me want to vomit. He was a shitty father, and an even shittier friend, so Kenneth, fuck you, you liar. He was just as bad as you, but at least he didn't smack around his wife. Oh, and Mrs. Priest over there? You didn't even know him. I don't want him to rest in peace, I hope he burns in hell. He left us. And I can safely say I won't give a fuck in a year, because I hardly count him as my father. Let alone a human being.” I finish, feeling numb. Gerard stares at me, open mouthed, as does everyone else.
I don't wait for a real reaction though, just go back to my seat. They all keep their eyes on me though. No one says anything for a minute, until finally, the priest returns to the stage. He speaks for a minute, before he announces it's time to pay our respects.
I sit there, staring straight ahead as everyone makes their way toward the casket. I feel stares on me as they all pass me to get to his casket. I feel someone take a seat next to me and I immediately know it's Gerard. I move my hand across the seat, my hand seeking his as I move it slowly toward him. He grabs my hand, rubbing the back of it with his thumb gently.
Soon, every one finishes their goodbyes and it was time to carry the casket out. I rose from my seat, and did Gerard, Frank, Mikey, Kendall, and a boy who looked vaguely familiar. I think he’d been talking to Mikey earlier, but I wasn't to sure. We all grabbed a side of the casket, lifting it up at the same time.
It was fucking heavy, and it fuckin hurt. I gritted my teeth and continued, trying hard not to get too agitated. We slowly carry the casket down the aisle, ignoring the stares of everyone. I tried my best not to look up until we were outside, mere feet away from the back of the limo they were storing the casket in.
When we finally reach the limo, getting it in was a whole other story. I just did as Kendall directed me to, but it was harder then it seemed, especially since we had to lower it a bit to make it slide it properly.
Once we were done, I step back a little, watching as the limo drives away.
And suddenly i'm not agitated at all. I’m sorry. I’m guilty and my inside fill with sadness, the kind you can't rid yourself of easy. The sadness of feeling small.

Notes

This is short and terrible, I'm fucking really sorry.

xxx