I sit quietly in the small cafe, Gerard sitting at my side, holding my hand tightly. I had managed not to completely freak when I left the house this morning, but I wanted him close just to feel safe.
“I love you.” He murmurs softly, taking a drink of his black coffee. I looked wide eyed at him, my breathe being absolutely taken away from me. He, too, gets a shocked look on his face when he realised what he just said.
“I-Um-”
“Frank!” I hear, making me snap my head towards the door. My brother stands there, a relieved grin on his face, as if he hadn't actually expected me to come.
“H-hey,” I respond, getting up and opening my arms. I realised I didn't know if he could touch me without me freaking out. I didn't care though, I wanted to be able to hold my little brother.
He reached me, clutching onto me. I held my breathe for a second, waiting for the nausea, the panic. It didn't come though, so i let myself melt in his arms. I held my little brother so tightly that it made me question when his muscles grew even bigger and when he began to smell so damn clean.
“Jesus. You're so much...different.” I say, looking sadly at him. A look of pain crossed his face before he nodded, solemnly agreeing.
“You are too…” He says quietly. I nod along, not doubting for a second he was right.
“It's okay though, because we’ll make up the time.” I state, trying to smile. He lightened up at that, smiling and agreeing.
“Hey Gerard.” He says kindly as he sat down, holding his hand out to shake.
“Hey Kendall. How you been, man?” Gerard greets, smiling happily at him.
“Hanging in there. How about you?” He asks politely, his eyes happy.
“Good. Great, actually. Your brother makes me insanely happy.” gerard states cheesily, making me blush uncontrollably.
“I’d hope. You guys are like, attached at the hip.” Kendel chuckles.
“Speaking of attached at the hip,” I begin, smirking. “Where’s Lyric?”
“Family brunch.” He says simply, still smiling. I nod, looking happily at him.
“I...just, can we be real for a second?” Kendall asks, looking seriously at me.
“Uh, yes?” I answer nervously, fidgeting with his sleeves.
“I fucked up. Obviously. Something happened to you, to which I still don't know, and I gave up on you. That was wrong, so fucking wrong, and i'm dying of guilt. Something happened to you, and I skipped out because I could only see how it affected me. We stopped talking, and urs my damn fault. You were hurting and I wasn't, so I make you feel that those feelings were invalid, and they’re not Frank. They’re not. I was wrong and I love you so much. And I understand if you can't forgive me.” he announces, sadness filling his big, green eyes.
“I don't-” I begin, stopping myself to gather my thoughts.
“I love you too. I don't know how to feel about this all, but it wasn't just you. You tried for a while, you didn't just bail. I completely shut you out, and that was wrong of me, but I’m ready to open up now.” I rush out, looking in his sad eyes.
“I- Can I ask questions?” He questions, still looking at me. I breathe in deeply, nodding, mentally preparing myself.
“What happened?” He asked quietly, looking softly at me.
“Can we go home for this?” I respond, looking pleadingly at him.
“Mom and Dad's house? Or...or Gerard’s house?” He asks, looking embarrassed for a moment.
“Oh, uh, I meant Gerard’s.” I say, blushing a little. I looked over to Gerard, noticing the way he was grinning. I lean in a little, signifying that I wanted a kiss. He immediately obliged, his lips seemingly soft on mine.
“You guys are so married.” Kendall laughs, making me blush. “Anyway, yeah, let's go.”
And with that, we're all leaving, each of us caught up in one and others prosperity.
*
*
*We all sat on Gerard’s (well, and mine I guess) bed, getting comfortable considering we just got there.
“Okay, where were we?” Gerard asks, setting his hand on my thigh. The gesture seemed so natural I didn't even catch it until I found Kendell smiling it, as if he was happy for us.
“Uh, what happened to me. Right. Well, do you remember my, um, ex?” I ask awkwardly, looking at my hands. He nods, looking at me to continue. I suddenly grab Gerard’s other hand, just wanting to be close to him.
“He-he-”
“Take your time, my love.” Gerard whispers, kissing my temple. I nod, calming myself.
“He raped me.” I whispered, shutting my eyes. Everything seemed to go quiet for minute, making me nervous. I felt nausea begin to take over, but I refused to let myself vomit. I could handle this. I needed to.
Suddenly I’m engulfed into two strong arms, and I immediately hug back.
“I’m so sorry,” Kendall breathes, his voice sad and hoarse. “I love you, oh god, i’m so sorry. I love you. I should’ve been there.”
“Its okay, im gonna be okay now.” I whisper, fully believing my words. He nods, trying to control his breathing. We sit like that for a while.
When he does he looks directly at Gerard, and some how surprises me.
“Thank you. For taking care of him.” He breathes, making me notice the tears in his eyes. Gerard looks at him in surprise before grabbing my hand again and smiling.
“My pleasure.” He says seriously, making me grin a little. Kendall laughs a little, wiping his eyes.
“Can we stay together tonight? I don't care where, where ever your comfortable, if that's okay with Gerard and all.” Kendell says, looking hopefully at me.
“Of course. I think Mikey’d like to meet you anyway.” I say, nodding eagerly. He breaks out into a smile, hugging me again.
*
*
*
We spend the entire night laughing and having fun even though all we had was the pleasure of each other's company. Mikey loved Kendell as did Kendall Mikey.
The entire night I just felt...happy. He didn't cross my mind once and neither did it. I was fine with the people I loved and I was fine with me.
For once, since it had happened, I was perfectly fine. I was more then fine, i had prosperity.
I was okay for the first time in months.
*
*
*
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
I'm not okay
You wear me out
Forget about the dirty looks
The photographs your boyfriend took
You said you read me like a book, but the pages all are torn and frayed
I'm okay
I'm okay!
I'm okay, now
(I'm okay, now)
But you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the truth
I mean this, I'm okay!
(Trust Me)

Notes

Your a smexy waffle.




That felt very personal, huh?