The Sharpest Lives

“Hey Mikes.” Gerard said, cheerfully.
It was a Thursday, rainy and cold. Gerard walked to Mikey’s after work; it had been since last Friday at the bar where he met Frank that he had last seen him. Gerard and Mikey were close, not talk every day close, but every time they saw each other they always picked up where the left off. After Gerard left for New York, Mikey was lost without him. He was finishing his senior year in high school and he had never been without his brother’s guidance, as flawed as it may be. Once he graduated, he found a community college in the city and moved in with Gerard. He would never tell Gerard that it was because he missed him, he liked to let him think it was because of this specific school he wanted to attend. Gerard knew, though. He missed Mikey, too.
“Hey man. Haven’t seen you for a few days.” Mikey answered, opening the door to his apartment to allow Gerard inside.
“Yeah, been busy.” Gerard giggled, blushing.
“Apparently so.” Mikey said with a chuckle. Mikey had always been supportive of Gerard and his indiscretions. Even through Bert, Mikey stayed by his side. Mikey supported him, and never made Gerard feel bad or guilty for his choice of partners. At his worst, Mikey would act indifferent. Nothing ever seemed to get under Mikey’s skin, nothing ever bothered him. Sometimes it was incredibly frustrating for Gerard, but he loved him just the same.
“How’s Alicia?” Gerard questioned. Mikey had been seeing Alicia for about 6 months. They met at work and started dating not long after. Gerard liked Alicia, she was sweet and caring. She was funny. She brought out the best in Mikey. If Mikey screwed this up, Gerard might literally kill him.
“She’s good. Traveling right now. She’ll be back on Saturday.” Mikey seemed so nonchalant about being without Alicia. They didn’t live together, but they spent most of their free time with one another. Yet, Mikey was perfectly content being alone. For being the younger brother, Gerard was certainly envious of Mikey’s maturity.
“So, I heard you hit it off with Frank pretty quickly.” Mikey said, sitting down at the kitchen table. Gerard joined him.
“From who?”
“Uh, Lindsey, duh.” Mikey snickered
“Of course.” Gerard rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I really like him. I think we’re like a “thing” now.”
“You? A boyfriend?” Mikey seemed surprised, like Gerard couldn’t get a date or something more than a fuck.
“Hey, I take offense to that.” Gerard joked. “But, yeah, I mean I really like him, and he likes me and we talked about it and we want to try this.”
“You sleep with him yet?” Mikey always did know how to get to the point. No tact.
“Mikey!” Gerard gasped, sounding a little more effeminate than he meant to.
“So that’s a yes.” Mikey said, firmly.
“Oh my god.” Was all Gerard could say through gritted teeth, face red.
“Moving on…” Mikey said. “Tell me about him. How old is he, anyway? He looks like 18. Please tell me he’s older than 18.” He rambled on.
“Yes, Mikes, he’s 24.” Gerard rolled his eyes, again. “Why would I date an 18 year old?”
“Why would you date a lot of the guys you have.” Mikey said, eyebrow cocked on one side. Gerard knew what he was alluding to. He better not bring him up.
“Let’s not talk about that right now, Mikey.”
“Look, I just want you to be happy, Gee. You deserve to be treated right. I’m protective, what can I say.” Mikey said standing up from the table and walking towards the fridge.
“I know. “ Gerard sighed. He was supposed to be protective of his little brother, not the other way around. Sometimes he felt like a real failure.
Mikey grabbed two beers from the fridge, cracking them open and handing one to Gerard. Gerard went to grab one, mindlessly. His left arm outstretched towards his brother. Mikey grabbed Gerard’s arm tightly before he even had a chance to react. He turned it over and grunted.
“Come on, Gee. Really?” Mikey said bitterly, taking a drink.
Gerard just looked down at his feet. Mikey was a great brother. He was funny and caring. But sometimes he just didn’t understand. This was one of those times.
“What do you want me to say, Mikey?”
“Nothing, Gerard. Just fucking stop that shit, I hate it.” Mikey spat. His words were cold, and they cut through the air like a knife.
“Oh yeah, let me just stop. Oh look at that, I’m cured! Thanks, Mikey! When’d you get your medical degree?” Gerard shouted right back at him, sarcastically.
“Don’t act like you can’t just get rid of the razor blades, Gerard. Just throw them out! It’s that simple!” Mikey was furious at this point. He was tired of seeing Gerard hurt himself. It hurt him, too. He couldn’t understand it, as much as he tried. It made no sense to him, but Gerard had always been abstract.
“Try telling that to an alcoholic, Mikey. “Oh just throw out the booze and you’ll be all better!” That makes no fucking sense!” Gerard stood up from his chair, visibly shaking. He hated this. He hated when Mikey acted like this.
“That’s different! That’s an addiction, a sickness. This is just…fuck, I don’t know Gerard. Just stop!” Mikey bellowed.
“Don’t you think I would have if it was that easy?” Gerard sobbed. He couldn’t help himself at this point, Mikey could be so rash in his words.
“Honestly, Gee? I don’t know.” Mikey said fairly quietly compared to how he had been shouting. It was an admission he hadn’t been meaning to make, but sometimes he wondered if Gerard just wanted the attention this brought him.
Gerard just stared at him, pain in his chest. His bones ached, his muscles screamed. His brother could be so hard headed. He knew he loved him, but he could be goddamn unfeeling at times.
“Fuck you, Mikey.” Was all he said before he stormed out, slamming the door on the way.
Gerard ran down the stairs, tears streaming down his cheeks. Mikey had always given him shit about cutting himself before, but he had never acted like Gerard was doing it for the attention. That was something Gerard never expected him to say. How could he say that? Did he really think that or was he just trying to hurt him? If it was the latter, he succeeded.
He started to walk home, slowly, in the rain. How fitting, he thought. It was early February now, and New York City was beginning to thaw out from a mild winter. There were puddles everywhere, both from rain and from dirty, melted snow. The leaves that had fallen in autumn were beginning to show on the ground, having been hidden for months by a white blanket of snow. They were soggy and brown, and Gerard longed for the snow already.
Gerard felt his phone buzz in his pocket. Apprehensively, he pulled it out. It was only Frank, and he sighed with relief. He really didn’t want to talk to Mikey, Lindsey or god forbid his mother right now.
“Hey :)” Frank texted him.
“Hey.” Was all Gerard said back, obviously acting distant, even obvious through text message.
“How was your day?”
“Was fine until I got to Mikey’s.” Frank had this effect on Gerard where he said his thoughts unswervingly to him without thinking. It was like he was an extension of his own mind, and he actually felt comfortable talking about his problems with Frank.
“Why? What happened? I need to beat him up? ;)” Frank sent.
Gerard giggled, wiping at his face, clearing any remaining tears.
“Lol, no Frankie. He’s just a jerk.”
“Are you still at his house?” Frank asked.
“No, I stormed out, crying like a baby. I feel so stupid but Mikey can just be so ugh idk.” Gerard said. He meant it, and he couldn’t seem to find any other words to describe his thoughts at the moment. He wanted to explain it to Frank, but he didn’t know how.
“Aw baby, you’re not stupid. Want to tell me what happened? Where are you?” Frank questioned, he was starting to get worried.
“I do, I just don’t know how to explain it. I’m walking home right now. I’ll call you when I get in.” Gerard sighed, and turned the corner, pocketing his phone. He wanted to talk about it, but he didn’t want to bother Frank. He decided he would call him when he got home, and if Frank seemed receptive, he would spill his guts. He fell back into self-loathing and walked forward. He still had about 10 minutes until he was home, and the rain wasn’t helping him be any less apathetic about the whole situation.
He didn’t hear his phone buzz in his pocket again, and he assumed Frank wasn’t interested. Whatever, he supposed.
Gerard turned the corner into his complex about 10 minutes later, now thoroughly wet and in full brooding mode. He was looking at his feet, thinking about how much he hated himself, as he approached the door, when he heard a familiar voice.
“Hurry up, Gee; I’m freezing my ass off!”
“Frankie?” Gerard looked up and started to shuffle towards him faster. “What are you doing here?”
“I thought you needed someone to cheer you up.” Frank said, extending his arm to take Gerard’s in it.
Gerard smiled, how could he have thought Frank didn’t care?
“How did you get here so quickly?” Gerard asked, opening the complex door with his key code.
“I drove here right after you texted me that you had left crying.” Frank smiled at him, genuinely concerned.
Gerard just blushed. Such a simple act, yet it meant more than anything any partner had ever done for him. They ascended the steps, hand in hand. He unlocked his apartment door and flicked on the light. He realized that Frank had never seen his apartment, only where it was located. He was nervous. What if he didn’t like it? It wasn’t nearly as tidy as Frank’s, and quite honestly, not as interesting.
“Home sweet home.” Gerard said, arms outstretched as if to present the place.
Frank followed him in the door, taking in the sight before him. Comic books and graphic novels, literally everywhere. Three on the coffee table, one on the couch, an entire shelf full of them. Frank plucked the one from the couch up and turned it over to read the back. It was one he had never seen before, but would have definitely picked up at the bookstore had he seen it.
“This is so cool, Gee.” He said, reading over the back cover.
“I edited that one, just came out last month. It’s pretty good. Guy’s a new writer, but he’s definitely going somewhere.” Gerard said, slipping off his coat and sitting down on the couch. Frank followed suit, sitting next to Gerard, book still in hand.
“Do you buy all the books you edit?” He questioned.
“Usually, unless they’re really terrible.” Gerard laughed. “Keeps me in business, plus I like to see the finished product. It makes me feel like my work actually means something.” Gerard said, taking the book in his hand.
This particular graphic novel had taken an especially long time to edit. Not because there was anything wrong with it or it was poorly written, but because Gerard found himself entranced in actually reading it. He got caught up in the story so many times he had to remember to focus himself and do his job.
“That’s really cool, are these all ones you’ve edited?” Frank gestured to the bookshelf.
“No way, only about half of them are. The ones on the top shelves are my favorites, ones I grew up with and read over and over again. The ones towards the bottom are the ones I’ve worked on. I used to keep them separate, but I ran out of space.” Gerard giggled.
Gerard stood up from the couch. “Want something to drink?”
“Sure.” Frank replied.
Gerard grabbed two soda’s from the fridge, handing one to Frank.
“Wait, is soda vegan?” Gerard asked, feeling embarrassed.
“Well, for starters, I’m vegetarian, not vegan.” Frank laughed. “And yes, root beer is vegetarian.”
“What’s the difference between vegan and vegetarian?”
“Vegan means no meat by products whatsoever. That means all sorts of things, like no jell-o, no gelatin coated medicine, etcetera.” Frank trailed on.
“Wait, jell-o has meat in it?” Gerard puffed.
Frank just laughed. “No, silly. It has gelatin in it, which is made from animals.”
“I will never think of jell-o the same again…” Gerard laughed at the absurdity.
“So tell me what happened with Mikey.” Frank said, sitting back comfortably on the couch, motioning for Gerard to lean back on him.
Gerard complied, laying into his chest, feeling his warm body pressed up against his back.
“I just went over there to see him. It had been since last weekend, you know, on Friday since I saw him, which is kind of a while for us.” Gerard sighed. “It was fine at first, but then he grabbed at my arm and started yelling at me.”
“Aw, baby.” Frank rubbed Gerard’s shoulders.
“He told me to just get over it basically, and then he made it seem like I was just doing it for the attention.”
“It’s not that easy to just get over it.” Frank said.
“Right? I just don’t know how to make him see that. He cares about me, I know that, but he does a shitty job showing it.” Gerard let out a nervous chuckle.
“He just doesn’t understand it, he loves you, but he’s confused.” Frank said. “You do want to stop eventually, right?”
“Of course. I just…it’s been so long I don’t even know how I would. It’s part of my life, every day.” Gerard said quietly.
“Well, it will take time, but I want to help you get through this, if you want to.” Frank said, now stroking Gerard’s hair.
“Really?” Gerard sat up, and turned to look at Frank.
“Mmhm.” He answered. “Want to know a secret?” Frank asked, taking Gerard’s hands in his.
Gerard nodded.
“Well, for the past two years, I have been seeing a therapist every Tuesday. I’ve never cut myself, personally, but I have certainly hated myself. I’ve wanted to die, and I’ve wanted to feel pain. Seeing someone who has no bias in my life has really helped me get over that.” Frank revealed.
“I would have never thought you would need to see a therapist, Frankie. You seem so…put together, normal. Happy.”
“I wasn’t always, Gee. I still struggle sometimes, but my therapist helps me understand those feelings. I think she might be able to help you, too.” Frank smiled at Gerard, hoping he would take his advice. He was worried about him, and hoped that maybe talking to someone who knew how to interpret what he was feeling could be the start of getting Gerard healthy.
“I’m scared. What if she thinks I’m crazy?” Gerard said, knowing this was probably a silly thought, but he couldn’t help but wonder.
“She see’s many, many patients, all likely much more crazy than you, Gee.” Frank winked at him.
“Ok. I’ll try it. If you think it will help. I’ve seen therapists before but…”
“I do. And if it doesn’t, that’s OK, too. I’m still here, and I’m not going anywhere.” Frank pulled his boyfriend into a hug, kissing his head.
The two ordered Chinese food, and watched reality TV for the next two hours. Gerard was content in Frank’s presence. He knew he would need to leave soon, but he was happy living in the moment, something he rarely allowed himself to do. Gerard’s head was always two steps ahead of him, agonizing over the future and the worries it would bring. Frank helped to pull him back to the ground, and into reality. Even if therapy didn’t work, Frank was helping more than anything ever had, just by being here.
The boys made plans for the next night, Friday night, to go out to dinner somewhere Frank liked. This place apparently had the best vegetarian food, and plenty of non vegetarian food for Gerard, as well. It gave them both something to look forward to when they were both disappointed they had to depart from one another.
Before Frank left, he wrote the therapists name and number on a post it note and handed it to Gerard.
“Call her when you’re ready. There is no rush.” Frank kissed him on the lips, sweet and lovingly.
“Thank you, Frankie.” Gerard said.
Frank just smiled at him, and kissed him one last time before turning down the hallway of the apartment building and out the heavy steel door towards his car. Gerard watched him go from his living room window, turning his car on and pulling out of the parking lot.
Gerard stared at the piece of paper for a while, mulling over what he would do. Frank said there was no rush; he could wait a while. He could call next week. No. He had to call now, before he changed his mind. He knew he needed to call and schedule an appointment. Maybe Frank was right, it would help. But, Gerard just didn’t know if he was ready to give up his habit. Did he even want to? He didn’t know, but he knew he had to try, for Frank.
He picked up his phone and dialed the number. There was no answer, not surprising, considering it was 9 o’clock on a Thursday evening.
“Hi, this is the office of Dr. Elizabeth Foster, licensed psychologist. Our office is closed right now, but please leave a message and we will return your call within 24 hours. Thank you, and have a nice day.”
“Uh, Hi. My name is Gerard Way and I wanted to set up an appointment with Dr. Foster. I was referred by a current patient, uh Frank Iero…” Gerard continued, asking them to call him back and leaving his number and availability before hanging up. He hoped this would work, he really did. He wanted it to, for Frank. If Frank could do this, he could too. Maybe this wouldn’t be just another band aid; maybe this would be a cure. Maybe Gerard could actually be happy.
He went to bed that night with a lot to think about, Frank being the most prominent. He wondered if Frank was thinking about him, too.
Oblivious to Gerard, Frank too lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling. The only thing on his mind tonight was Gerard. Gerard seemed to always be on his mind now, swimming in his head, popping up every few minutes just to make him smile. Both men fell asleep that night with a smile, and each other in their dreams.

Notes

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