The Sharpest Lives

Gerard woke up slowly, coming into consciousness about 10 minutes before he actually opened his eyes. Frank was the first thing that festered into his head when he awoke. He tried to remember everything they had done the night before in detail, basking in the warmth of his fluttery chest. Gerard didn’t feel Frank’s arms around him, and he was instantly afraid that he had dreamt up the encounter. When he finally did open his eyes, the first thing he noticed was that Frank was not in bed with him, and he could feel panic wash over him. As he looked hard, however, he realized he was not in his own bed. In fact, he was not in his room at all. Was this Frank’s room? It had to be. It wasn’t a dream. It was real. Gerard shot out of bed to look for his lover, stopping at the door to slip on a pair of boxers. He didn’t look to see if they were his or Frank’s, he was too eager to find him.
“Frankie?” Gerard called timidly from the hallway. He could vaguely remember how the apartment was set up from the short time he spent outside of the bedroom last night, but he wasn’t sure, and he didn’t want to startle Frank by loitering around his home.
“In here, Gee.” He heard Frank call from somewhere to his left.
He turned left and found himself in the living room, the open kitchen facing him. He saw Frank standing with his back towards him, in front of the stove. Frank was shirtless, in only his boxers as well. Gerard could smell fresh coffee, and what smelled like bacon coming from the room. He made his way towards Frank, nervous to see him in the daylight again. It had all happened so fast, they had just met. They had just become acquaintances, friends if you are grasping at straws. Gerard didn’t regret a second of it, he never even allowed himself to consider it. Should Frank get down on one knee right now and ask Gerard to marry him, he likely wouldn’t think twice before saying yes. Frank had this effect on him that made him crazy, reckless, giddy. He was hypnotic.
Gerard was terrified that maybe Frank had changed his mind. Maybe Gerard had pushed him, maybe Frank made a mistake. What if he asked him to leave? What if he never wanted to see him again? Gerard felt all of the blood drain from his face as he took timid steps into the kitchen. The tile floor was cold under his feet, helping to ground him and bring him back into reality.
Frank turned around and smiled at Gerard, face flushed.
“Good morning, sunshine. Or should I say afternoon.” He said softly, making his way towards Gerard. He gestured towards the clock hanging on the wall.
“It’s after noon? I haven’t slept that long in…god, months. I’m sorry.” Gerard answered.
“Don’t be. You needed your rest.” Frank winked and kissed Gerard on the lips, lightly. Gerard’s tension started to melt away and he could feel himself smiling back at Frank.
“I’m making you some breakfast.” Frank said, turning back to the stove with a smirk. “Smell good? “
“Yeah, really good. Smells like bacon.” Gerard stood behind Frank, wrapping his arms around his waist. Frank leaned in to the touch.
“It should. It’s not real bacon, its vegan, but I promise it tastes just as good. I made pancakes, too. I hope you like it, you seemed open to trying it. I thought about going out to the store and getting the real stuff for you, but I didn’t want you to wake up and think I had left.” Frank leaned his head back on Gerard’s shoulder, flipping a pancake in the process.
“You don’t have to do that for me. It smells great, I’m sure I’ll love it.” Gerard said. He was being honest, Frank could serve him dog food and he would eat it and thank him for it when he was done.
Frank turned the burner off and placed the last pancake on a plate, piled high with them. He grabbed two cups of coffee and placed them on the coffee table in the living room. He grabbed two plates and handed them to Gerard.
“Go sit down, baby. I’ll be over in a minute.” Frank said, placing a kiss on Gerard’s cheek.
Gerard giggled and made his way towards the living room. He sat down on Franks couch and took a moment to really look around the room. He had been in Frank’s apartment for about 12 hours and yet he had spent all his time in the bedroom (not that he was complaining). Now that he was getting a chance to see a peak into Frank, he wanted to see everything. His apartment was nice, fairly clean and well decorated. He had posters on the walls, neatly framed. He had two large bookshelves bordering the TV. Both bookshelves were completely full, one with books and the other with various movies. He could make out a few of the titles of movies, Shaun of the Dead, Inception, Psycho. All movies Gerard loved. He was reassured somewhat that maybe Frank wouldn’t think this a mistake. Maybe Frank saw their commonalities, too. Maybe Frank actually wanted him the way Gerard wanted Frank.
Frank walked over to the coffee table, sitting close to Gerard on the couch. He placed a pancake on Gerard’s plate, and one on his.
“There’s plenty if you want more, but if you don’t like it just let me know. I can make you whatever you want.” Frank said, smiling to Gerard.
Gerard spread some non-dairy butter on his pancake, and picked up a piece of fake bacon, wasting no time in shoving it in his mouth. He was starving, he realized, once food was placed in front of him. He took a bite of his pancake and, really, tasted no difference. The bacon was slightly less salty, but no less good.
“This is all vegan, Frankie?” Gerard really was in disbelief.
“Yup.” Frank said with a smile. “You like it?”
“It’s great. I can’t make out a difference.”
Gerard and Frank ate in silence for a few minutes, just enjoying each other’s company. Gerard was feeling at ease, even with the uncertainty of their relationship. He felt Frank shift closer to him, and he laid his head on Gerard’s shoulder.
“So, Gee. I want to talk about…last night.” Frank said. Gerard could tell he was nervous, and it made him nervous, too. This was it. This was where Frank tells him to get lost and that he was just a casual fuck. Frank didn’t want him. Frank didn’t like him.
“Ok…” He muttered out. He could feel his breakfast coming back up his esophagus and he was suddenly not very hungry.
“I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but…god, Gee. I’ve never felt like this before.” He said. He looked straight into Gerard’s eyes, staring into his soul. Gerard tried to read his expression and found himself start to shake.
“I…I’m sorry.” Gerard said under his breath.
“Sorry? For what, baby?” Frank cooed. He didn’t mean to scare Gerard. Fuck, he was screwing this all up. He was falling so fast for him and he had to tell him. He didn’t like spontaneous sex with “friends”. He didn’t want anymore “friends”. Frank wanted love, he wanted Gerard.
“I…don’t know. I’m sorry if I came on too strong. I just really, really like you. I can go.” Gerard said, feeling his eyes start to water.
“No, baby, no. I just…I’m scared. I’ve never liked someone this much before. I wanted to tell you how I felt; I wanted to tell you that…I want you to stay with me. I don’t want this to end. Please don’t let this be over.”
Frank knew Gerard had misunderstood him, and he needed to open the flood gates to bring him back. Gerard seemed so fragile, so delicate. He wanted to protect and coddle him. He wanted to keep him in his arms forever.
Gerard was surprised by Frank’s admission. He hadn’t been expecting it, he was positive Frank was rejecting him. He didn’t know how to respond, so he just kissed him. He kissed him soft, and then a little harder. Gerard was never good with words, he never really could put his feelings into sentences, and when he could he could hardly muster them out with any confidence. He was happy he could convey his thoughts with kisses this time.
Frank smiled around Gerard’s lips, pulling him into a hug. When they pulled away, Frank brushed Gerard’s hair from his face, looking at his glassy hazel eyes. He was beautiful, hair matted and face sleepy. He was purely Gerard, innocent Gerard.
“So…what does that make us?” Gerard inquired.
Frank considered this for a moment, he knew what he wanted, and he was pretty sure he knew what Gerard wanted. He just needed to confirm his suspicion.
“Boyfriends?” He asked quietly, unsure if he was moving too fast.
“Yes.” Gerard barely got out before planting his lips roughly back on Frank’s. They were boyfriends. Frank was his boyfriend. Fuck, he was under his spell and he never wanted to not be, ever again.
They stayed like that for a few hours, just cuddling on the couch, kissing and talking. They watched some bad TV and nodded off more than once. They stayed half dressed, a blanket covering them, Gerard’s head on Frank’s chest, sideways across the couch. They talked about movies and music, food and their family. They talked about what they like in a partner, and about past relationships.
This was the part Gerard was dreading, both needing to tell Frank about his past and to admit that he had kind of slept around. He was beginning to feel comfortable with Frank, but it was still hard. He heard Frank talking, but was thinking about what he was going to say next.
“…god he was such an asshole. Jamia was so happy when I dumped him. What about you? Worst boyfriend?” Frank giggled slightly, reminiscing about a simple relationship. Gerard’s worst relationship was anything but simple. It was why he left Jersey. It was why Gerard started cutting himself again for the first time in 6 years. It was why Gerard was afraid to get close to anyone. Until Frank, that is.
“Uh…well…” He stuttered. Frank sat up and looked at him, taking on a more serious stance. “It’s a little more complicated than yours.” He laughed nervously.
“You can tell me, Gee. What happened?” Frank murmured, caressing Gerard’s cheek and rubbing circles in his skin.
“I was 19 when I met him. I fell really hard for him. His name was Bert. He was so sweet at first. Always taking me places, telling me I was beautiful. He was gentle and kind in the beginning. We dated for about two months before he asked me to move in with him.” Gerard continued.
“Wow, that’s fast.” Frank rebutted.
“I know. I was young. I said yes, and moved in the next week. It was fine when I first moved in, but then Bert started getting angry. He would argue with me about little things; where I was, if I was late coming home from work, who I was with. He would make me feel stupid sometimes, yelling at me for trivial things, like a dish in the sink. I remember the first time he called me worthless, it was about three weeks after I moved in. I had forgotten to take the trash out the night before and he had to do it on his way out the door in the morning.” Gerard closed his eyes, remembering the feeling of Bert’s touch, his pull and his punch, the way he was screaming at him.
“When he got home, he pulled me up off the couch by my hair. He had never touched me like that before, he had never been violent. I was scared, but I fought back. I pushed him off, it was an automatic reaction. He grabbed me by my neck and pushed me up against the wall. He told me I was worthless and that no one but him would ever want me. He told me if I ever pushed him off of me like that again he would kill me.” Gerard could feel his eyes welling with tears at this point. Christ, Frank must think he’s an idiot.
“It’s ok baby, you don’t have to talk about it. That’s horrible. I’m so, so sorry.” Frank hugged Gerard gently, reassuring him.
“No, I want to tell you. I have to.” He answered, determined to get it out in the open quickly before he changed his mind. “It got worse from there. He would come home, find a reason to be angry and take it out on me. Sometimes he would hit me, sometimes he would just scream. I always preferred when he hit me, I could zone out, pretend I was somewhere else. But I could never ignore his words. He told me I was a dirty faggot and no one would love me like he did. I was stupid, and I believed him.” Gerard sighed. “I let him control me for two years, Frankie. Until I ran. I just fucking ran. I packed all my shit and left. I came here, to New York and I haven’t seen him since.”
Gerard felt like he was out of breath by the time he finished his anecdote. He felt strangely relieved, though, like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. He just hoped he wasn’t placing that weight on Frank.
“Baby…” was all Frank could say. He held him tight, stroking his hair and shushing him until he felt Gerard stop shaking. “I would never hurt you like that. Never.” He said.
“I know, Frankie. I can tell.” Gerard could tell.
Yes, he had made this mistake before. He never thought Bert would hurt him, but looking back into the past, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise. Bert got drunk often. Bert started fights at bars. Bert was just an all-around asshole. Gerard should have seen it coming, but he didn’t. He was willingly blind. Gerard’s friends saw it coming; they implored him not to move in with Bert, and begged him to dump him for a year before they eventually all gave up on him.
“I hadn’t cut myself in 6 years, Frankie. Not since I was a stupid teenager, and he made me do it again. And I’ve never been able to stop. I fucking can’t stop, Frank.” Gerard was sobbing into his arms now, scared.
“It’s OK, Gee.” Was all Frank could say. He didn’t know how to console him, so he just held him.
“Five fucking years I’ve been away from him, and I still can’t stop. I still hear him telling me I’m worthless and trash. I still hear his voice in my head.” Gerard cried.
“You’re perfect, Gee. I promise you that. He was wrong. So fucking wrong.” Frank was nearly crying himself. It was painful to see Gerard this way, so scared and honest.
They held each other in the dark, it was just after dusk and the only light in the room was the light from the muted television. Eventually Gerard’s sobs stopped and he calmed down, relaxing into Frank’s arms. They stayed like that until almost 8PM, when Gerard sighed and looked at his phone. Two missed calls from his mother, five texts from Lindsey and a sign that it was getting late.
He looked up at Frank, silently telling him that it was time for him to go. He didn’t want to say the words, he wanted to stay with Frank forever on the couch.
Frank nodded. He knew. The men made their way into Frank’s bedroom, picking through the discarded clothes from the night before. Gerard dressed haphazardly, taking his time, hoping he would find a way to stay. He couldn’t, he had work in the morning, but it was a nice thought.
Frank insisted on driving him home, he wouldn’t let Gerard call a cab this time (he also wanted to know where he lived, but he kept that to himself). They shuffled into the car, tired and disappointed that their lazy day together was ending. Gerard guided Frank to his house, pleasantly surprised that it wasn’t very far (within walking distance for Gerard. If it was cooler than 65 degrees, at least.)
Frank pulled into the small parking lot in front of Gerard’s building. He wanted to invite him up, Frank wanted to say yes, but they had to be alone some time. They couldn’t spend every waking moment together, they needed to slow down, and they both knew it. With a soft kiss on his lips, Gerard opened the passenger door and exited the car. He waved to Frank, a small smile on his lips. He made his way into the building, the heat enveloping him upon entry. It felt like fire on his skin, like he was burning alive. It was a good feeling. It was the spell Frank had him under, it made him feel like he was in flames. It was invigorating and all consuming.
Gerard unlocked his apartment door and slowly walked inside, feeling more alone than he had in a long time. But, he also felt more cherished, more valuable. And he could handle missing Frank if love was what he received when he was with him. It was worth every burn.

Notes

@crashintokate on twitter.

Anyone see the pattern in the chapter titles/where they originated from?

Comment if you know them all!